Kathleen From The Bronx
01-09-2008, 09:33 PM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Ron, Fezzie..... Whew! Am I glad that you guys are back... Am I everrr..... Oh I totally forgot to tell you; you are responsible in a large part for the ole gal's mental health..... I mean, believe me, I've said it before... I know I am selfish! Everybody needs a little time away...as the ole song says....You deserve a nice vacation and holiday times, certainly.....but I missed yez!
Toward the end there I was just pacing my cell back and forth, back and forth.....breaking only to secretly sharpen stolen objects into shivs....or perhaps stealing underwear from the laundry for elastic from that underwear....and braiding it into a kind of super-powered bow to fire my weapons. Isolation brings about deadly inventiveness, after all..... or um... at least in my case....
Oh not everyday was filled with cunning plots for mayhem and escape! One Friday I ripped a button off of my jumpsuit and threw it against the cinder-block walls sending it flying this way and that.... Button and I would play a game of hide and seek! This would go on for hours..... I'd always find 'im..... "You can't hide from me, button!" I'd scream..... When you guys came back on Monday it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't a prisoner in solitary confinement... I was in my apartment all along..... I coulda left whenever I wanted! Maybe I should copy Fezzie's New Year's resolution to get out more, hey? Ahhh, the mind plays tricks.... Well, I hope when we move Brian is not too pissed when he sees that I had started to chisel a tunnel outta here, when we take down that tapestry...... Hm..
Heh, heh.... yeahhhh.... I didn't really do any of that fellas. I was just thinking about prison activities since you guys had been talking about death row and all that...the death penalty...lethal injection.... Sure, that's it...yeah!
Tough-on-crime Fez Whatley was throwing down the death penalty for like.... EVERYTHING! Ron asked him, "What about beating someone to death with a bowling pin?" Fez answered, "DEATH!" Ron asked, "Well how bout if you kick somebody to death?!" Fez said that that would result in a death sentence too.. Ronnie then posed the question to Fez, "What if I forced you to fall off a ladder?" He added, "You were on the ladder and I needed it.... and I know your balance! You'd probably fall anyway!!" Fezzie showed no mercy though. Hey man, it's like.... these things are ACCIDENTS. Accidents will happen! I can understand if the crimes were premeditated, but sometimes things come up.....
I was thinking.... Many people get into trouble with the law because of crimes of passion. I realized that most of my violence would be crimes of annoyance. I never plan on being annoyed..... It just happens..... Accidents..... Smothering people while crying out, "STOP breathing like that...Stop that nose-whistle!!" is just happenstance...... Lunging at strangers wailing, "WHY would anyone put mayonnaise on that?!!" is never planned....... I am sure that many lives have been spared cause the aggravating antics happening before me are on T.V. and not in real life. Sadly many T.V.s have perished. Well....... I'm doing my best to stay out of the slammer.
You know man, I have had lots of nightmares where I am on my way there. It's usually some kinda huuuuge misunderstanding where I haven't killed anyone, I just helped hide a body... or something friendly like that. After one such dream, I woke quite relieved that it wasn't all real....yet I was very annoyed at myself..... cause dream-me, after being sentenced, had worried, amid all the other reactions like, "Oh no!" and, "My life is OVER!" that in the slammer I really was gonna look like like garbage....WHAT kinda shampoo those girls are using?! What kinda no-priority-havin bullshit is that??!! Vain..tsssk.
I guess that all ran through my consciousness because I've seen so many prison documentaries and shows on T.V. I've noticed that once men enter prison they get themselves into the best shape of their lives, form quick friendships with others of similar interests, and get some nice tattoos for themselves. Women, on the other hand, all suddenly develop dry, brittle hair, their skin goes to shit, and they rock a dead-eyed stare. Yikes, baby. Yeah, the ole bird tries to keep it peaceable-like.....I can't end up in the cage! If, God fuhbid, I ever ended up in joint.... for whatever reason..... if the point is to make me feel bad about myself and experience deep remorse... all that it would take for that to happen would be to make me live in an orange jumpsuit... it's not my color..... and take away conditioner makin my hair dry as a nest..... Forget it, I'll BEG you to kill me!
Well anyway, the point is: Yay! You're back! I have less bad ideas now! I'll spare you the splainin..... It would just be another episode of , "When Left to My Own Devices..." I had started rating my levels of angry outburts on a scale of actors'....and determined that mine fall into the George C. Scott neighborhood. It's over now... It's over.... Thank God.
I'm feeling much more focused and full of purpose already! Feeling much more concentrated and engaged....especially since Ronnie announced that he was putting together a task force in order to achieve his New Year's resolution.... to stalk and kill Osama Bin Laden! As you well know, I of course wanted in. I was a little confused however when I received my classified instructions in that manila folder... In bold letters I was ordered to, "Stay home and wear a burka."
How is THAT gonna help!?! Well, he's the man with the plan.. I just wanna be there for the, "Osama Bin Laden's Head-on-a-Stick Tour," when Ron brings it around to the different schools..
Oh, here's something..... Somewhere buried in the back of my mind I knew that Joe Pesci had a lil singing career.... but I really must have forgotten that! Thankfully, the other day I was reminded when you guys were talking about random celebrity's forays into the world of singing. I must have forgotten that Little Joe Sure Can Sing....Ahhh and it made me chuckle, it did! Who doesn't want to imagine Joe Pesci crooning, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You," right to them!? I know right.... Swoooon... That man's a prince!
Anyway..... have I mentioned that I am terrified of pregnancy? Oh yeah. Very much so...... You know, I can't even remember exactly when I learned the way things worked...... Sure, I remember early information from my playground friends, and how my mother was trying to explain it all to me years after that...and how I was putting on my socks at the time and saying, "OK! I got it! Alright.... so I'm gonna go now,".... but...... I always seemed to have some grasp on it that it was up to the woman to pull it all off........ I mean, there were certainly enough pregnant women around, growin up.....So..... it's not like I ever felt deep disillusionment that the cartoon explanation of the stork bringing the baby was false.
It's just that, besides hearing about the varying descriptions of excruciating pain during childbirth, even at this ripe ole age, I am STILL hearing new and scary aspects from women I know.... Wow. Ron was saying that men don't have anything with which to compare the experience...... "It's worse than being shot.....and we've all been shot!" AND it's not as though I have been avoiding such enlightenment! As with everything else that frightens me in life, I study up.... for just in case......
I did laugh today when East Side Dave said to Ronnie B.... after more childbirth talk... "Some of your advice doesn't help!!! Some of the things you say do not help!!!" I laughed cause Ron responded, "OH no.... They help ME! They help me.....They make me laugh knowing that you are scared."
Dudes, I was a bit freaked even to hear about the under-water birth in scuba gear, in a shark cage...... I mean... sharks.... yikes! Maybe that fear of sharks would lessen the pain of it all... You'd get distracted from it? You got your mind on other things.... like a great white's cold eyes.....like doll's eyes..... and its great white head smashing into your suddenly flimsy-feeling cage..... Shit. I am not even scuba certified yet! That's another thing..... Brian wants me to learn how to scuba dive too.... I'm like, "Really? Snorkeling isn't enough?" I like the snorkeling...... I don't have to worry about,"the bends." I just want you to know..... If anyone is gonna forget what they're supposed to be doing, and fuck up, and get the bends, it's this one over here. That's not the power of positive thinking at work... Then he's tells me.... "Kathleen, Jerry Garcia could scuba dive," and then I think, "Hmmmm.... OK...... well maybe."
I don't want you to misunderstand. I definitely want some kids.... but.... you gotta recognize..... If Brian and I go out to get a pizza to take home I'm like, "You carry that in, OK?" cause I can't even trust myself to safely take dinner into the house! I don't wanna be held responsible! Yeah, I have a problem worrying that I can't be responsible for ANYTHING... Well, all that being said, I had been reading about the documentary by Abby Epstein and Ricki Lake.... and of all things.... hearing about natural childbirth with a midwife doesn't scare me as much...overall..... I dunno...... That doesn't really make sense... but it doesn't freak me out as much...... In any case, I was really interested in that interview.... It was cool to hear.
I found it fascinating....though.... later that night I did mention that I think we should just think about having really fulfilling pets instead. "And our English bulldog can wear a little hockey jersey! Right??! I mean is that cute, or what???! He's our lil tough-guy!"
Well anyway.....as usual I know that I'm leaving a lot of stuff out! I just wanted to write to you real quick and say that I'm so happy to hear you guys live again...... It felt like 2008 was starting for real, for real....... I missed yez! I start to feel out-of-sorts, ya know? Well as you can proably tell... I'm feeling much more sane and balanced already.... Yeah.... better already :0) OK, I'll talk to ya later....
Signed,
kathleen from the Bronx :):):)
Ron, Fezzie..... Whew! Am I glad that you guys are back... Am I everrr..... Oh I totally forgot to tell you; you are responsible in a large part for the ole gal's mental health..... I mean, believe me, I've said it before... I know I am selfish! Everybody needs a little time away...as the ole song says....You deserve a nice vacation and holiday times, certainly.....but I missed yez!
Toward the end there I was just pacing my cell back and forth, back and forth.....breaking only to secretly sharpen stolen objects into shivs....or perhaps stealing underwear from the laundry for elastic from that underwear....and braiding it into a kind of super-powered bow to fire my weapons. Isolation brings about deadly inventiveness, after all..... or um... at least in my case....
Oh not everyday was filled with cunning plots for mayhem and escape! One Friday I ripped a button off of my jumpsuit and threw it against the cinder-block walls sending it flying this way and that.... Button and I would play a game of hide and seek! This would go on for hours..... I'd always find 'im..... "You can't hide from me, button!" I'd scream..... When you guys came back on Monday it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't a prisoner in solitary confinement... I was in my apartment all along..... I coulda left whenever I wanted! Maybe I should copy Fezzie's New Year's resolution to get out more, hey? Ahhh, the mind plays tricks.... Well, I hope when we move Brian is not too pissed when he sees that I had started to chisel a tunnel outta here, when we take down that tapestry...... Hm..
Heh, heh.... yeahhhh.... I didn't really do any of that fellas. I was just thinking about prison activities since you guys had been talking about death row and all that...the death penalty...lethal injection.... Sure, that's it...yeah!
Tough-on-crime Fez Whatley was throwing down the death penalty for like.... EVERYTHING! Ron asked him, "What about beating someone to death with a bowling pin?" Fez answered, "DEATH!" Ron asked, "Well how bout if you kick somebody to death?!" Fez said that that would result in a death sentence too.. Ronnie then posed the question to Fez, "What if I forced you to fall off a ladder?" He added, "You were on the ladder and I needed it.... and I know your balance! You'd probably fall anyway!!" Fezzie showed no mercy though. Hey man, it's like.... these things are ACCIDENTS. Accidents will happen! I can understand if the crimes were premeditated, but sometimes things come up.....
I was thinking.... Many people get into trouble with the law because of crimes of passion. I realized that most of my violence would be crimes of annoyance. I never plan on being annoyed..... It just happens..... Accidents..... Smothering people while crying out, "STOP breathing like that...Stop that nose-whistle!!" is just happenstance...... Lunging at strangers wailing, "WHY would anyone put mayonnaise on that?!!" is never planned....... I am sure that many lives have been spared cause the aggravating antics happening before me are on T.V. and not in real life. Sadly many T.V.s have perished. Well....... I'm doing my best to stay out of the slammer.
You know man, I have had lots of nightmares where I am on my way there. It's usually some kinda huuuuge misunderstanding where I haven't killed anyone, I just helped hide a body... or something friendly like that. After one such dream, I woke quite relieved that it wasn't all real....yet I was very annoyed at myself..... cause dream-me, after being sentenced, had worried, amid all the other reactions like, "Oh no!" and, "My life is OVER!" that in the slammer I really was gonna look like like garbage....WHAT kinda shampoo those girls are using?! What kinda no-priority-havin bullshit is that??!! Vain..tsssk.
I guess that all ran through my consciousness because I've seen so many prison documentaries and shows on T.V. I've noticed that once men enter prison they get themselves into the best shape of their lives, form quick friendships with others of similar interests, and get some nice tattoos for themselves. Women, on the other hand, all suddenly develop dry, brittle hair, their skin goes to shit, and they rock a dead-eyed stare. Yikes, baby. Yeah, the ole bird tries to keep it peaceable-like.....I can't end up in the cage! If, God fuhbid, I ever ended up in joint.... for whatever reason..... if the point is to make me feel bad about myself and experience deep remorse... all that it would take for that to happen would be to make me live in an orange jumpsuit... it's not my color..... and take away conditioner makin my hair dry as a nest..... Forget it, I'll BEG you to kill me!
Well anyway, the point is: Yay! You're back! I have less bad ideas now! I'll spare you the splainin..... It would just be another episode of , "When Left to My Own Devices..." I had started rating my levels of angry outburts on a scale of actors'....and determined that mine fall into the George C. Scott neighborhood. It's over now... It's over.... Thank God.
I'm feeling much more focused and full of purpose already! Feeling much more concentrated and engaged....especially since Ronnie announced that he was putting together a task force in order to achieve his New Year's resolution.... to stalk and kill Osama Bin Laden! As you well know, I of course wanted in. I was a little confused however when I received my classified instructions in that manila folder... In bold letters I was ordered to, "Stay home and wear a burka."
How is THAT gonna help!?! Well, he's the man with the plan.. I just wanna be there for the, "Osama Bin Laden's Head-on-a-Stick Tour," when Ron brings it around to the different schools..
Oh, here's something..... Somewhere buried in the back of my mind I knew that Joe Pesci had a lil singing career.... but I really must have forgotten that! Thankfully, the other day I was reminded when you guys were talking about random celebrity's forays into the world of singing. I must have forgotten that Little Joe Sure Can Sing....Ahhh and it made me chuckle, it did! Who doesn't want to imagine Joe Pesci crooning, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You," right to them!? I know right.... Swoooon... That man's a prince!
Anyway..... have I mentioned that I am terrified of pregnancy? Oh yeah. Very much so...... You know, I can't even remember exactly when I learned the way things worked...... Sure, I remember early information from my playground friends, and how my mother was trying to explain it all to me years after that...and how I was putting on my socks at the time and saying, "OK! I got it! Alright.... so I'm gonna go now,".... but...... I always seemed to have some grasp on it that it was up to the woman to pull it all off........ I mean, there were certainly enough pregnant women around, growin up.....So..... it's not like I ever felt deep disillusionment that the cartoon explanation of the stork bringing the baby was false.
It's just that, besides hearing about the varying descriptions of excruciating pain during childbirth, even at this ripe ole age, I am STILL hearing new and scary aspects from women I know.... Wow. Ron was saying that men don't have anything with which to compare the experience...... "It's worse than being shot.....and we've all been shot!" AND it's not as though I have been avoiding such enlightenment! As with everything else that frightens me in life, I study up.... for just in case......
I did laugh today when East Side Dave said to Ronnie B.... after more childbirth talk... "Some of your advice doesn't help!!! Some of the things you say do not help!!!" I laughed cause Ron responded, "OH no.... They help ME! They help me.....They make me laugh knowing that you are scared."
Dudes, I was a bit freaked even to hear about the under-water birth in scuba gear, in a shark cage...... I mean... sharks.... yikes! Maybe that fear of sharks would lessen the pain of it all... You'd get distracted from it? You got your mind on other things.... like a great white's cold eyes.....like doll's eyes..... and its great white head smashing into your suddenly flimsy-feeling cage..... Shit. I am not even scuba certified yet! That's another thing..... Brian wants me to learn how to scuba dive too.... I'm like, "Really? Snorkeling isn't enough?" I like the snorkeling...... I don't have to worry about,"the bends." I just want you to know..... If anyone is gonna forget what they're supposed to be doing, and fuck up, and get the bends, it's this one over here. That's not the power of positive thinking at work... Then he's tells me.... "Kathleen, Jerry Garcia could scuba dive," and then I think, "Hmmmm.... OK...... well maybe."
I don't want you to misunderstand. I definitely want some kids.... but.... you gotta recognize..... If Brian and I go out to get a pizza to take home I'm like, "You carry that in, OK?" cause I can't even trust myself to safely take dinner into the house! I don't wanna be held responsible! Yeah, I have a problem worrying that I can't be responsible for ANYTHING... Well, all that being said, I had been reading about the documentary by Abby Epstein and Ricki Lake.... and of all things.... hearing about natural childbirth with a midwife doesn't scare me as much...overall..... I dunno...... That doesn't really make sense... but it doesn't freak me out as much...... In any case, I was really interested in that interview.... It was cool to hear.
I found it fascinating....though.... later that night I did mention that I think we should just think about having really fulfilling pets instead. "And our English bulldog can wear a little hockey jersey! Right??! I mean is that cute, or what???! He's our lil tough-guy!"
Well anyway.....as usual I know that I'm leaving a lot of stuff out! I just wanted to write to you real quick and say that I'm so happy to hear you guys live again...... It felt like 2008 was starting for real, for real....... I missed yez! I start to feel out-of-sorts, ya know? Well as you can proably tell... I'm feeling much more sane and balanced already.... Yeah.... better already :0) OK, I'll talk to ya later....
Signed,
kathleen from the Bronx :):):)