Kathleen From The Bronx
02-16-2008, 08:00 AM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
You're damn right I was eavesdropping.... What else was I supposed to do?? I was sitting in the hotel bar- yeah, you know me... the ole gal has done some time in every two-bit hotel lounge from here to Pocatello..... Nah, this was a classy joint, a nice establishment... Yeah, so exactly.... I stuck out like a sore thumb....
I always think I'm gonna get kicked out of places for under-dressing. It's a worry I have..... That somebody in charge will emerge from the back, angrily grabbing waiters by the collar screaming in their faces, "Who let this gypsy in here??!" Then I'll find myself being hurled out the door, into the gutter...my crystal ball and all....
This is precisely why, as I was sitting there, I was pretending to look busy... I made no eye-contact, like I was deep in thought, writing feverishly.... like a busy person with a job.....but I was eavesdropping alright....
See, here's what happened.... I was on the road with my ole man, he had him a job in Palm Beach... After days and days of beautiful, perfect weather I had the thought that I felt a weee bit guilty....that I was havin it so sweet while my comrades toiled, ice-fishing in the Northlands.... in the bitter cold......on the frozen tundra of Central Park..... screaming to the heavens, "Al Gore is a rambling, drunk liar! Take back that Nobel Prize!"
That thought of feelin guilty must have summoned down the monsoon rains of February? Monsoon Rains of February...is that a song by Gordon Lightfoot?
Oooh maybe I just sang it like it was one of his tunes...and maybe I'm just out of my fuckin mind.... and maybe I really just wanted to bring up Gordon Lightfoot. NICE name.. (snickers)....
Oh but also I bring this up, I guess, cause for some reason which escapes me now, Ronnie B. started singing some Gordon Lightfoot song the other day.... and I fuckin laughed and laughed and found it just bloody delightful... Damn, but why did that happen!??! Oooh me old mind ain't what it used to be....but I loved that singin and I shall treasure it's memory! No they can't take that away from me.... the time Ronnie B. sang a lil Gordon Lightfoot... (stares off into the distance wistfully).....
Oh, but anyway...... With that crazy weather coming down, stranded in some hotel in the tropics without my Brian to calm me.... I was a lil freaked out.. no, no.... I was a-petrified by news reports of tornado watches and the like. This one's a bok-bok chicken.
So, I had this idea that I would hang out in the hotel bar.. I had seen people in there with their laptops and shite. I thought, "I'll go there and act like I'm workin too... and drink....and not worry so much about Brian driving his truck into some tornado.." I thought I wouldn't freak out so much in public; like one of those deals where divorcing parents bring their kid out to dinner at some fancy place so that when they drop the bad news, the kid won't scream and bite, or whatever.
Anyway, I did take my notebook full of notes of the funny things you people had been saying all week...... I was lookin over them, over my gin and tonics.... and listening to the conversation of these two middle-aged guys at the end of the bar..... Oh buddies, sometimes I can't believe my luck! This conversation was just chock full o' really aggravating points of view and lame anecdotes...and corny jokes... It was amazing! And it just went onnn and onnnn....not unlike a Gordon Lightfoot song, where you just catch yourself wondering, "How long is this gonna take?!?!?" and "Jeeeezus Pete, can these guys die already??!!"
Yeah, it's probably fucked up that I silently mock others to ease my own anxieties.. I'm sorry.
.... but look, this one cat was talking about how he hadn't seen a movie in over a year, but if he was gonna recommend one good film, "It would have to be The Secret of Roan Inish."
I wondered to myself.... "The movie with the seal baby??? Baby floated away one day, but he comes back a seal....? Hmmm.... Yeah, I don't know man....."
Uh huh, their discussion was triflin'..... at one point, Roan Inish's biggest fan starts talking about the books that he's been reading lately... works by Dostoevsky, some by Hemingway, and then also for some reason, The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.... Then he was saying how this one woman he knew was such a snob because she didn't laugh at his joke about Steinbeck's, The Grapes of Wrath, when he said.... "But I STILL haven't figured out why those grapes were so darned angry!"
Oh man, so that's what's people are talking about, I heard em... these are the exchanges I hear when you are not on the radio. At one point one of those guys said, "Young lady, what are ya writing? Caught you laughing there?" and I looked around like, "Who me??" lookin for a young lady.... and so then I responded that I was takin notes on their conversation. That dude laughed, I guess, cause he thought it was a joke.... I laughed cause I knew that it was straight-up true....
Oh, but if he caught me laughing it was probably at that part in my notes where I skribbled down what Ron had been saying about Heather Mills, "Why do you need all this money? You're buyin shoes one at a time!!!" and then later, "Hop yer ass outta here!!"
Yeah, I would have rathered that I might eavesdrop on one of your conversations instead....
Oh yeah, I get it... You're a national radio show.... but I do like to think of it as eavesdropping sometimes..... for fun! To keep things spicy! Sometimes I'll act like I'm hearin some kinda delicious gossip so I can shriek and cover my mouth with my hand in shock, "My word! Ookie cookie???!! You don't say!"
Ookie Cookie.... listen, wow..... Of course you know that I am an arm chair anthropologist.....sittin in armchairs observing and tryin to keep things all culturally relative.....but.... dudes, whatever that coming-of-age-in-Long-Island, male-bonding ritual was about..... My theory was, "EWWWWWW!!!"
I will admit I have heard of that ill shit before, but I always was mad skeptical about it... like, "WHO would DO that!?!" Oh Pitzy.... Ohhh nooooo.....
Man, as much as I try to shield my sweet innocence, (which is the name that I have given my mind), ....shield it from all the horrors.......I still saw the image of the cookie, in my mind's eye....
Sweet innocence, MY ASS!
Goddammit. You know, now this means that I will never again be able to enjoy any of those iced oatmeal cookies ever again... the one's that my mother in law is so fond of buying from the Acme...... No sirs, and ma'ams, cause in my head... the ookie cookie looked too much like that one.... And so I bid adieu to yet another delicious baked good... Farewell to Foodstuffs.....a melancholy tale..........
Nah, I mean seriously, those oatmeal joints are not that good anyway... not gourmet, baby.... It's just one of those things, sometimes you find your self in a situation that calls for you eatin half a box of cookies, and knowing that, you don't want your options reduced. So, now you understand while I feel so robbed.
OK, lemme just take this opportunity to get up here on this mountain and bellow, "FEZ! YOU DO NOT HAVE SUNDOWNERS!!! Sundowners....downers... downers," Ahhhhh, listen to that echo! Nice....
Well, look.... I toldya Fezzielou, that Sundowners thing was a misdiagnosis! That's some dementia shit.... Wait. Did you forget all about that email message? Whoa...whoa whoa whoa.... Uh...damn, that's not a good sign..
.....but what'd I tell ya, don't worry, right? Yeah... Sides, Ronnie had some great solutions for that fear of the dark of night that you are experiencing..."I have an idea, why don't you get a flashlight for yourself??!" and, "What about a miner's hat???" See, there's a couplea quick-fixes right there! I was gonna add that, in that vein, you might also consider a spelunker's helmet... only because, "spelunking," is a fun term to repeat...and it's another opportunity to wear a helmet and to strap a light source to your head...... BUT.... then I thought that the mere mention of spelunking could possibly conjure images of caves and bats..... so that might not be helpful..... after all.... I don't like to think about the bats that fly in the night either......
OK.... just do the miner's hat thing, like Ronnie said...... even though this week he had to yellingly remind all the callers, "Do NOT do what I say or ask any advice of me!! All these calls are gonna get me fired and sued!" Wait, then Ronnie.... What am I sposed to do with all these ether-soaked rags?
Ahhh, in any case... Many big happenings this week, huh? Fezzie got his head shaved to pay off his Super Bowl bet with the Z-Man..... They were just a-"Shavin heads and takin names," Ron said..... Also, as an added touch, a Sheep was shorn in ceremonial fashion. "What a fascinating local custom!" I wrote that down in my field notes....
Now Fez and Sheepy are goin around like two Fordham Baldies...Yeah, I dug that you guys brought up that gang from The Wanderers.....Fordham Baldies make me laugh....No, no... I'm not issuing some kinda disrespect like, "Fordham Baldies! Hah... I laugh in their faces!"
... My mother said that they really existed though.... and that one time when she was in elementary school in the South Bronx, somebody was spreading around this rumor sayin that everyone had to be very careful because, "The Fordham Baldies are coming...." My mother said that she and her friends were just scared to death.... and ran home right after school... Hmm. Erg, well, that story went nowhere but I uh guess it was just funny to me cause when I heard that story I pictured whispering, whispering in the hallways.... "The Fordham Baldies are coming, the Fordham Baldies are coming!!" ...and all were gripped with fear...... Ahhh well...
On Monday's show when Ronnie B. was talking about the time that Jimmy Breslin came in to the show and didn't want to leave, he said, "I had an aunt and a grandma like that; they'd hold your hand so you couldn't get away while they talked to ya.... I remember thinkin, 'Oh lemme get outta here before I hear the words, BATHTUB GIN, again!' "
Hey, I know that feelin! I had a couple of great-aunts just like that..... and as I listened to them tell me whatever tales about the old country and someone's cousin Mike, and possibly, "When the Irish first came to this country, there were these signs, 'No Irish Need Apply,' " now and then they'd interject the stories with, "Ahhhh yer grand, yer grand....."
SO! I know I'm rambling, I'll let go of your hand and let you get away.....FOR NOW. It's just that I got a train to catch....... I'll write about all the rest before the weekend is through...ooOOooh like after I listen to The Night of 100 Podcasts on Sunday night....
.. Ahhhhh yer grand, yer graaand.......
Signed,
kathleen from the Bronx :):):)
You're damn right I was eavesdropping.... What else was I supposed to do?? I was sitting in the hotel bar- yeah, you know me... the ole gal has done some time in every two-bit hotel lounge from here to Pocatello..... Nah, this was a classy joint, a nice establishment... Yeah, so exactly.... I stuck out like a sore thumb....
I always think I'm gonna get kicked out of places for under-dressing. It's a worry I have..... That somebody in charge will emerge from the back, angrily grabbing waiters by the collar screaming in their faces, "Who let this gypsy in here??!" Then I'll find myself being hurled out the door, into the gutter...my crystal ball and all....
This is precisely why, as I was sitting there, I was pretending to look busy... I made no eye-contact, like I was deep in thought, writing feverishly.... like a busy person with a job.....but I was eavesdropping alright....
See, here's what happened.... I was on the road with my ole man, he had him a job in Palm Beach... After days and days of beautiful, perfect weather I had the thought that I felt a weee bit guilty....that I was havin it so sweet while my comrades toiled, ice-fishing in the Northlands.... in the bitter cold......on the frozen tundra of Central Park..... screaming to the heavens, "Al Gore is a rambling, drunk liar! Take back that Nobel Prize!"
That thought of feelin guilty must have summoned down the monsoon rains of February? Monsoon Rains of February...is that a song by Gordon Lightfoot?
Oooh maybe I just sang it like it was one of his tunes...and maybe I'm just out of my fuckin mind.... and maybe I really just wanted to bring up Gordon Lightfoot. NICE name.. (snickers)....
Oh but also I bring this up, I guess, cause for some reason which escapes me now, Ronnie B. started singing some Gordon Lightfoot song the other day.... and I fuckin laughed and laughed and found it just bloody delightful... Damn, but why did that happen!??! Oooh me old mind ain't what it used to be....but I loved that singin and I shall treasure it's memory! No they can't take that away from me.... the time Ronnie B. sang a lil Gordon Lightfoot... (stares off into the distance wistfully).....
Oh, but anyway...... With that crazy weather coming down, stranded in some hotel in the tropics without my Brian to calm me.... I was a lil freaked out.. no, no.... I was a-petrified by news reports of tornado watches and the like. This one's a bok-bok chicken.
So, I had this idea that I would hang out in the hotel bar.. I had seen people in there with their laptops and shite. I thought, "I'll go there and act like I'm workin too... and drink....and not worry so much about Brian driving his truck into some tornado.." I thought I wouldn't freak out so much in public; like one of those deals where divorcing parents bring their kid out to dinner at some fancy place so that when they drop the bad news, the kid won't scream and bite, or whatever.
Anyway, I did take my notebook full of notes of the funny things you people had been saying all week...... I was lookin over them, over my gin and tonics.... and listening to the conversation of these two middle-aged guys at the end of the bar..... Oh buddies, sometimes I can't believe my luck! This conversation was just chock full o' really aggravating points of view and lame anecdotes...and corny jokes... It was amazing! And it just went onnn and onnnn....not unlike a Gordon Lightfoot song, where you just catch yourself wondering, "How long is this gonna take?!?!?" and "Jeeeezus Pete, can these guys die already??!!"
Yeah, it's probably fucked up that I silently mock others to ease my own anxieties.. I'm sorry.
.... but look, this one cat was talking about how he hadn't seen a movie in over a year, but if he was gonna recommend one good film, "It would have to be The Secret of Roan Inish."
I wondered to myself.... "The movie with the seal baby??? Baby floated away one day, but he comes back a seal....? Hmmm.... Yeah, I don't know man....."
Uh huh, their discussion was triflin'..... at one point, Roan Inish's biggest fan starts talking about the books that he's been reading lately... works by Dostoevsky, some by Hemingway, and then also for some reason, The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.... Then he was saying how this one woman he knew was such a snob because she didn't laugh at his joke about Steinbeck's, The Grapes of Wrath, when he said.... "But I STILL haven't figured out why those grapes were so darned angry!"
Oh man, so that's what's people are talking about, I heard em... these are the exchanges I hear when you are not on the radio. At one point one of those guys said, "Young lady, what are ya writing? Caught you laughing there?" and I looked around like, "Who me??" lookin for a young lady.... and so then I responded that I was takin notes on their conversation. That dude laughed, I guess, cause he thought it was a joke.... I laughed cause I knew that it was straight-up true....
Oh, but if he caught me laughing it was probably at that part in my notes where I skribbled down what Ron had been saying about Heather Mills, "Why do you need all this money? You're buyin shoes one at a time!!!" and then later, "Hop yer ass outta here!!"
Yeah, I would have rathered that I might eavesdrop on one of your conversations instead....
Oh yeah, I get it... You're a national radio show.... but I do like to think of it as eavesdropping sometimes..... for fun! To keep things spicy! Sometimes I'll act like I'm hearin some kinda delicious gossip so I can shriek and cover my mouth with my hand in shock, "My word! Ookie cookie???!! You don't say!"
Ookie Cookie.... listen, wow..... Of course you know that I am an arm chair anthropologist.....sittin in armchairs observing and tryin to keep things all culturally relative.....but.... dudes, whatever that coming-of-age-in-Long-Island, male-bonding ritual was about..... My theory was, "EWWWWWW!!!"
I will admit I have heard of that ill shit before, but I always was mad skeptical about it... like, "WHO would DO that!?!" Oh Pitzy.... Ohhh nooooo.....
Man, as much as I try to shield my sweet innocence, (which is the name that I have given my mind), ....shield it from all the horrors.......I still saw the image of the cookie, in my mind's eye....
Sweet innocence, MY ASS!
Goddammit. You know, now this means that I will never again be able to enjoy any of those iced oatmeal cookies ever again... the one's that my mother in law is so fond of buying from the Acme...... No sirs, and ma'ams, cause in my head... the ookie cookie looked too much like that one.... And so I bid adieu to yet another delicious baked good... Farewell to Foodstuffs.....a melancholy tale..........
Nah, I mean seriously, those oatmeal joints are not that good anyway... not gourmet, baby.... It's just one of those things, sometimes you find your self in a situation that calls for you eatin half a box of cookies, and knowing that, you don't want your options reduced. So, now you understand while I feel so robbed.
OK, lemme just take this opportunity to get up here on this mountain and bellow, "FEZ! YOU DO NOT HAVE SUNDOWNERS!!! Sundowners....downers... downers," Ahhhhh, listen to that echo! Nice....
Well, look.... I toldya Fezzielou, that Sundowners thing was a misdiagnosis! That's some dementia shit.... Wait. Did you forget all about that email message? Whoa...whoa whoa whoa.... Uh...damn, that's not a good sign..
.....but what'd I tell ya, don't worry, right? Yeah... Sides, Ronnie had some great solutions for that fear of the dark of night that you are experiencing..."I have an idea, why don't you get a flashlight for yourself??!" and, "What about a miner's hat???" See, there's a couplea quick-fixes right there! I was gonna add that, in that vein, you might also consider a spelunker's helmet... only because, "spelunking," is a fun term to repeat...and it's another opportunity to wear a helmet and to strap a light source to your head...... BUT.... then I thought that the mere mention of spelunking could possibly conjure images of caves and bats..... so that might not be helpful..... after all.... I don't like to think about the bats that fly in the night either......
OK.... just do the miner's hat thing, like Ronnie said...... even though this week he had to yellingly remind all the callers, "Do NOT do what I say or ask any advice of me!! All these calls are gonna get me fired and sued!" Wait, then Ronnie.... What am I sposed to do with all these ether-soaked rags?
Ahhh, in any case... Many big happenings this week, huh? Fezzie got his head shaved to pay off his Super Bowl bet with the Z-Man..... They were just a-"Shavin heads and takin names," Ron said..... Also, as an added touch, a Sheep was shorn in ceremonial fashion. "What a fascinating local custom!" I wrote that down in my field notes....
Now Fez and Sheepy are goin around like two Fordham Baldies...Yeah, I dug that you guys brought up that gang from The Wanderers.....Fordham Baldies make me laugh....No, no... I'm not issuing some kinda disrespect like, "Fordham Baldies! Hah... I laugh in their faces!"
... My mother said that they really existed though.... and that one time when she was in elementary school in the South Bronx, somebody was spreading around this rumor sayin that everyone had to be very careful because, "The Fordham Baldies are coming...." My mother said that she and her friends were just scared to death.... and ran home right after school... Hmm. Erg, well, that story went nowhere but I uh guess it was just funny to me cause when I heard that story I pictured whispering, whispering in the hallways.... "The Fordham Baldies are coming, the Fordham Baldies are coming!!" ...and all were gripped with fear...... Ahhh well...
On Monday's show when Ronnie B. was talking about the time that Jimmy Breslin came in to the show and didn't want to leave, he said, "I had an aunt and a grandma like that; they'd hold your hand so you couldn't get away while they talked to ya.... I remember thinkin, 'Oh lemme get outta here before I hear the words, BATHTUB GIN, again!' "
Hey, I know that feelin! I had a couple of great-aunts just like that..... and as I listened to them tell me whatever tales about the old country and someone's cousin Mike, and possibly, "When the Irish first came to this country, there were these signs, 'No Irish Need Apply,' " now and then they'd interject the stories with, "Ahhhh yer grand, yer grand....."
SO! I know I'm rambling, I'll let go of your hand and let you get away.....FOR NOW. It's just that I got a train to catch....... I'll write about all the rest before the weekend is through...ooOOooh like after I listen to The Night of 100 Podcasts on Sunday night....
.. Ahhhhh yer grand, yer graaand.......
Signed,
kathleen from the Bronx :):):)