Kathleen From The Bronx
02-20-2008, 02:56 AM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Hey, you know how I can't stop telling you people about the elderly relatives of my youth? Yeah, I know...for some reason I have it in my head that you'll want to know about their curious and old-timey ways.... Well, listening to the show today I remembered...for some reason.....how they used to call us, "cards," if we amused them... "Ohhh this one's a card," or, "You're such a card..." My brothers and I used to kinda mock that.... like... "Who says things like this?" Please keep calling the refrigerator, "the ice box," and calling me a card...... Wacky.
Oddly enough, Grandma wasn't laughing and calling me a, "card," when she fell out of the wheelchair after trying to hit me with a rolled up newspaper as I was running by..... It was more like, "Get yer ass over here, I'm gonna BRAIN you!!"
Yeah...."brain?" That was another weird thing they used to say in lieu of, "beat the shit out of."
Ok, but anyway..... I wish that the grandma confession of a few lines ago was fiction.... Do you EVEN understand the feeling of, "WHAT HAVE I DONE???!" that I experienced seeing that lady fall in sloooow fuckin motion outta that chair? I mean..... God damn.... Just thinking back on that scene, I felt it all over again.... Aye Jesus, I feel sooo guilty again too....Bad, bad...baaaad person!
Look man, I know that nobody asked my grandmother to lean precariously out of that wheelchair in attempts to strike me.... oh, but I'm sure that I was being a little jerk.....some kinda antagonizing shenanigans..... Oh man, I just gave me a scared, jittery stomach thinking about this all again......
Cause man, I was like eight... and I actually was the one in charge up there cause my mother had went down to our apartment to start making dinner for my pops or something.... and I'm like seeing my grandmother tumble, right... and knowing I was gonna have to go over there and try to help her up while she's screaming that she's gonna kill me... and knowing that I had to call my mother to come upstairs and help me get her up..... Ooooh fears.... straight up fears...relieved that she wasn't hurt... but .... a real deep feelin of.... "Well, there's no way outta this one."
You know what's weird is that when my mother came upstairs to rectify the situation, my grandmother did not rat me out for whatever I was doing that had her mad enough to try to attack me...... Maybe that's because as we waited that eternity for my mother to come upstairs I said to Grandma, "A much worse fate can easily befall you, old woman.... So mum's the word, eh?"
Nooo dudes, no.... no no..... that part didn't happen.. I seriously don't know why she didn't tell on me though. Maybe she knew the guilt would eat me alive..... Oh my God, I am the worst person ever...ever......
Any time I tell people that story they laugh....even my mother... if some brother of mine brings it up in order to taunt me, to remind the fam and me how terrible I am..... I'll yell it again, "even my mother!!!" Then I'm all like defensively yelling, "Why are YOU laughing? You wouldn't catch me laughing if some kid made my mother fall, you're SICK!" So, you know.... I'll laugh about it a little, but...oh shit... by the way, what the fuck kind of awful person am I??! I seriously feel so fuckin guilty about this.....Why did I bring this up!?! Why bring up another nauseating tale of childhood's folly? OOoh..... cause listening to the show today I thought of the old saying..."You're a card." Sometimes I say that now; it comes in handy for sayin sarcastically... "Oooh you, you're such a card," with a stone-faced glare....
Speaking of cards...... Uh hullo?? What am I like the only person who didn't receive their cards for Paul O and Melly's Wedding on Friday??? I can't wait for Friday, Ron and Fez! Man, but the only card of worth that I own is this Pita King card that vows I shall receive one free falafel... after buying 6....... Can I use that? If I use that card can I also get a free falafel....cause....like, you understand... I didn't buy all those falafels for nuthin. I really want to go to this wedding, but the reward of free falafel also calls to me.... lures..... yeah..... I meant to ask Fezzie if I could use that card...damn...
Fez seemed a bit stressed out with all the wedding planning he was in charge of, come to think of it..... I did cackle when Ron informed him that, "Nobody's showing up to this Mary Tyler Whatley party!"
Oh! I also liked Ron's idea that to gain entry to the wedding-slash-slasher film, we'd have to know a secret handshake. I am all about secret handshakes, of that you can be sure. I always try to force people into extended handshakes with me... even if I am meeting them for the first time..... I don't know why I do this, as by nature I am one that would supremely like to avoid extra awkwardness in my life..... So why...? Stupid.....
Falafel..... Oooh 'memba when Bill O'Reilly was reported to have mistakenly referred to a loofah as a, "falafel," in the midst of the WACKEST sexually harassing rap ever? Oooh, oooh also 'memba when you guys used to play Rappin' Bill O'Reilly?! "I smack bitches," he said..... Uh huh.... and that other drop, "Jack Mayhoffer.....Jack Mayhoffer..."
I guess I was just thinking about that Bill because I spent a lil time looking around the internet to see if that O'Reilly spy report was true..... Apparently it is not true....not this time.... crazy ole Bill O'Reilly.....Oh shit... but remember that time he acted like he was in combat... He so crazy....
Oh but the story about Obama being accused of plagiarizing Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick's words in a speech has been pretty interesting to me, right..... I was thinkin about this too... and like, while I'm not left feeling shaken and disillusioned or whatever the act is.... I did kinda find it reeeeally lame.... I was thinking about it, and as Ronnie said too.... most of these politicians don't write theri own speeches anywhoo..... so why care? He also said, when talking to Earl, "I know you're just going to say, 'It's just another case of a black man sampling and you people just don't understand our culture.' "
Yeah! It's sampling...... Like maybe I'll start blog-sampling.... Maybe sometime I'm gonna want to talk to you about women who make horse sculptures out of driftwood, like Jeff Bridges does in his blog! Perhaps I'll want to tell you what I've learned reading, "Sajak Says." Pat Sajak got sooooome O-PINIONS... (That was super emphatic, right there).....What would be the difference anyway, if I was to borrow like I did there..... Ohhh... wait, see I just gave em credit for their peculiar ideas....Oh see, thaaaat's the difference..... I gave em credit........ Stop stealing people's speeches, Obama and it's time to confess that you didn't write, "Hey You," that you performed it in the talent show! Pink Floyd wrote it, not you!
I hope you guys saw The Squid and The Whale, otherwise.....whew.... what you must think of me....bats in the belfry.... Yeah, maybe I just feel like dropping mad movie references cause I'm so lookin forward to Paul O- Your Life is a Movie's big wedding and movie premiere on Friday... Remember when Ron started singin, "What the world needs now is fear, scary fear......" just like Dione Warwick?! That was great...... I still don't know who the hell I'm gonna dress up as though.... Sure, I've had some really bad ideas that were pretty fun to muse about, "Holy shite, how fuckin horrible would that be!" ...but... you know.... nuthin constructive.
I am quite intrigued.....I want to know..... I want to know who Ron is dressing up as! So shrouded in secrecy...... I wanna know! I was trying to guess cause he did say that it was a character from one of this year's films... I don't knooow though....and I was thinking about it... Actually I do have one kinda-guess.... but no, not sure.... I'm not quite willin to bet somebody five buckaroos on it.....but he really did love Cloverfield... Oooh I don't know....
Ya know how Ronnie brought up today that Mooch was so amazed by the fact that in NYC you can get a cheeseburger at 4:30 AM...... Yeah, I have to say... there's a major aspect I miss about not living in the city anymore...... I mean, here in the land of hams there are a couple places that are 24 hours, but where I live they are not a-plenty..... and not close by enough for one to amble there drunk..... So..... yeah... I miss that.
Just the other night at 4:30 AM in NYC I had me a breakfast burrito... and I'm gonna tell you something, people.... It was just what the Dr. ordered...... I'll level with you. I love a burrito, and they are basically just what the Dr. ordered just about any time of the day or night.... Bizarrely enough they are never what the actual real Dr. ever orders.... It's always more like, "Hey! No more burritos, you!" scrawled illegibly on a prescription paper and shoved in my face..... but well the point is I had a train to catch so I took half of it to go (it was really big)........Snacks for the train ride, yo... Well, slept on the train so that didn't happen, but when I woke up I was like soooo happy that I still had me that burrito..... "Fuck yeah," I thought....congratulating myself for saving that lil bastard...
OK, so we're in the car after leaving the train station. Stopped at a light, this homeless man comes up to our window asking for change....."For anything.... even if you just have something to eat... I haven't eaten," going on and on.... Now by now you know that I have in my possession this burrito. Without thinking I lean over Brian and hand that man my burrito.
Now, you see I did the right thing, right? I mean..... I should have felt good about myself.... Right?? OK, but even that was impossible. I'll tell you why.....it may have a lil something to do with the fact that sporadically, throughout the rest of the day, I complained up and down how much I missed that burrito! I was was like... "Shit man, I wish I had that burrito, that mutha was sooo goooood!" and, "Goddammit! I woulda given that dude ten bucks if I had it insteada that burrito!" and, "What the hell was I thinking!???"
See, Brian's a supportive cat and he was tryin to make me feel better.... He said that as I was missing that burrito so much, so devastated by its loss.... that I really had made a big sacrifice. I should feel good about that. No, see..... I'm just the worst person ever....in case you had forgotten that Grandma story.
You know that saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." Yeah, well I understand it to the fullness, now! Cept I guess that I punish those around me with hours of complaints after i do a good deed.
Ahhhhh well......... I do miss that burrito, and there is surely no place to find one here at this hour....
Hey, this came up today..... Ronnie, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself...." and said that Wyatt Earp had coined that phrase! I did not know! That's what I like... I like learning these lil nuggets of information......
OH, I also like Gary Marshall impressions.... Dudes, that cat and his sister are from The Bronx.... and that is no accent that I've ever heard in my native land...Yeah, according to me.....
That happened, right? Gary Marshall impressions? Or was it all some crazy dream..... ?
I really enjoyed hearing about Ron's crazy dream about he and Dave meeting Woody Allen on the street...when suddenly he is surrounded by huge crowds of people, and Woody gets all, "panicky and screaming like an old lady gettin her feet smashed by a hammer." Acting as body guards, they lead him to safety... though Dave gets a little over-zealous... pushing over women and children, yelling, "BACK! BACK!" When Ron tells Dave to take it easy, Woody interrupts, "No I like Dave's voice, it's very authoritative." ... Or something like that.......That was one strange and interesting dream, man....
I don't think I've ever dreamed of Woody Allen, and the mystifying thing to me is that it really feels strange that I haven't. I have had odd run-ins with most of my favorite directors....and even random scary people from info-mercials! What is this shit?
Well anyway, I'm sorry to go on and on here.... Just real quick, I wanted to let it be known that I would choose The Home Run Derby over the Slam Dunk Competition..... Wanted to be on the record there.... Also, dug the opening today..... Good ole What About Bob clips into some Little Feat..Ahhh, 'twas like a waking dream....cause I actually was waking up just then and thought, "Can this be real... two of my favorite things....together at last?" And... and.. I liked it muy mucho that Ron B. said nice stuff about Lowell George. We take kindly to Lowell George in these parts, him and everyone who emulates his fashion sense.
OK! For real, I'll let you go now.... Funny, funny show today.... I am diggin Wedding Week already... See ya later favorite people-
Signed,
kathleen from the Bronx :):):)
PS- I had this idea.... I think it was my idea.... I think I made up a new catchphrase.... When something is just crazy....bonkers.... nutso....I propose we yell, "That shit's The Madness of King George!!!" You see, a nice new catchphrase based on a film from......14 years ago. Yeah man, these things just come to me, ya know?! .....cause I was speaking of movies....and then how things are mad crazy sometimes.... Well, OK then.... Just let me know what you think...
Hey, you know how I can't stop telling you people about the elderly relatives of my youth? Yeah, I know...for some reason I have it in my head that you'll want to know about their curious and old-timey ways.... Well, listening to the show today I remembered...for some reason.....how they used to call us, "cards," if we amused them... "Ohhh this one's a card," or, "You're such a card..." My brothers and I used to kinda mock that.... like... "Who says things like this?" Please keep calling the refrigerator, "the ice box," and calling me a card...... Wacky.
Oddly enough, Grandma wasn't laughing and calling me a, "card," when she fell out of the wheelchair after trying to hit me with a rolled up newspaper as I was running by..... It was more like, "Get yer ass over here, I'm gonna BRAIN you!!"
Yeah...."brain?" That was another weird thing they used to say in lieu of, "beat the shit out of."
Ok, but anyway..... I wish that the grandma confession of a few lines ago was fiction.... Do you EVEN understand the feeling of, "WHAT HAVE I DONE???!" that I experienced seeing that lady fall in sloooow fuckin motion outta that chair? I mean..... God damn.... Just thinking back on that scene, I felt it all over again.... Aye Jesus, I feel sooo guilty again too....Bad, bad...baaaad person!
Look man, I know that nobody asked my grandmother to lean precariously out of that wheelchair in attempts to strike me.... oh, but I'm sure that I was being a little jerk.....some kinda antagonizing shenanigans..... Oh man, I just gave me a scared, jittery stomach thinking about this all again......
Cause man, I was like eight... and I actually was the one in charge up there cause my mother had went down to our apartment to start making dinner for my pops or something.... and I'm like seeing my grandmother tumble, right... and knowing I was gonna have to go over there and try to help her up while she's screaming that she's gonna kill me... and knowing that I had to call my mother to come upstairs and help me get her up..... Ooooh fears.... straight up fears...relieved that she wasn't hurt... but .... a real deep feelin of.... "Well, there's no way outta this one."
You know what's weird is that when my mother came upstairs to rectify the situation, my grandmother did not rat me out for whatever I was doing that had her mad enough to try to attack me...... Maybe that's because as we waited that eternity for my mother to come upstairs I said to Grandma, "A much worse fate can easily befall you, old woman.... So mum's the word, eh?"
Nooo dudes, no.... no no..... that part didn't happen.. I seriously don't know why she didn't tell on me though. Maybe she knew the guilt would eat me alive..... Oh my God, I am the worst person ever...ever......
Any time I tell people that story they laugh....even my mother... if some brother of mine brings it up in order to taunt me, to remind the fam and me how terrible I am..... I'll yell it again, "even my mother!!!" Then I'm all like defensively yelling, "Why are YOU laughing? You wouldn't catch me laughing if some kid made my mother fall, you're SICK!" So, you know.... I'll laugh about it a little, but...oh shit... by the way, what the fuck kind of awful person am I??! I seriously feel so fuckin guilty about this.....Why did I bring this up!?! Why bring up another nauseating tale of childhood's folly? OOoh..... cause listening to the show today I thought of the old saying..."You're a card." Sometimes I say that now; it comes in handy for sayin sarcastically... "Oooh you, you're such a card," with a stone-faced glare....
Speaking of cards...... Uh hullo?? What am I like the only person who didn't receive their cards for Paul O and Melly's Wedding on Friday??? I can't wait for Friday, Ron and Fez! Man, but the only card of worth that I own is this Pita King card that vows I shall receive one free falafel... after buying 6....... Can I use that? If I use that card can I also get a free falafel....cause....like, you understand... I didn't buy all those falafels for nuthin. I really want to go to this wedding, but the reward of free falafel also calls to me.... lures..... yeah..... I meant to ask Fezzie if I could use that card...damn...
Fez seemed a bit stressed out with all the wedding planning he was in charge of, come to think of it..... I did cackle when Ron informed him that, "Nobody's showing up to this Mary Tyler Whatley party!"
Oh! I also liked Ron's idea that to gain entry to the wedding-slash-slasher film, we'd have to know a secret handshake. I am all about secret handshakes, of that you can be sure. I always try to force people into extended handshakes with me... even if I am meeting them for the first time..... I don't know why I do this, as by nature I am one that would supremely like to avoid extra awkwardness in my life..... So why...? Stupid.....
Falafel..... Oooh 'memba when Bill O'Reilly was reported to have mistakenly referred to a loofah as a, "falafel," in the midst of the WACKEST sexually harassing rap ever? Oooh, oooh also 'memba when you guys used to play Rappin' Bill O'Reilly?! "I smack bitches," he said..... Uh huh.... and that other drop, "Jack Mayhoffer.....Jack Mayhoffer..."
I guess I was just thinking about that Bill because I spent a lil time looking around the internet to see if that O'Reilly spy report was true..... Apparently it is not true....not this time.... crazy ole Bill O'Reilly.....Oh shit... but remember that time he acted like he was in combat... He so crazy....
Oh but the story about Obama being accused of plagiarizing Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick's words in a speech has been pretty interesting to me, right..... I was thinkin about this too... and like, while I'm not left feeling shaken and disillusioned or whatever the act is.... I did kinda find it reeeeally lame.... I was thinking about it, and as Ronnie said too.... most of these politicians don't write theri own speeches anywhoo..... so why care? He also said, when talking to Earl, "I know you're just going to say, 'It's just another case of a black man sampling and you people just don't understand our culture.' "
Yeah! It's sampling...... Like maybe I'll start blog-sampling.... Maybe sometime I'm gonna want to talk to you about women who make horse sculptures out of driftwood, like Jeff Bridges does in his blog! Perhaps I'll want to tell you what I've learned reading, "Sajak Says." Pat Sajak got sooooome O-PINIONS... (That was super emphatic, right there).....What would be the difference anyway, if I was to borrow like I did there..... Ohhh... wait, see I just gave em credit for their peculiar ideas....Oh see, thaaaat's the difference..... I gave em credit........ Stop stealing people's speeches, Obama and it's time to confess that you didn't write, "Hey You," that you performed it in the talent show! Pink Floyd wrote it, not you!
I hope you guys saw The Squid and The Whale, otherwise.....whew.... what you must think of me....bats in the belfry.... Yeah, maybe I just feel like dropping mad movie references cause I'm so lookin forward to Paul O- Your Life is a Movie's big wedding and movie premiere on Friday... Remember when Ron started singin, "What the world needs now is fear, scary fear......" just like Dione Warwick?! That was great...... I still don't know who the hell I'm gonna dress up as though.... Sure, I've had some really bad ideas that were pretty fun to muse about, "Holy shite, how fuckin horrible would that be!" ...but... you know.... nuthin constructive.
I am quite intrigued.....I want to know..... I want to know who Ron is dressing up as! So shrouded in secrecy...... I wanna know! I was trying to guess cause he did say that it was a character from one of this year's films... I don't knooow though....and I was thinking about it... Actually I do have one kinda-guess.... but no, not sure.... I'm not quite willin to bet somebody five buckaroos on it.....but he really did love Cloverfield... Oooh I don't know....
Ya know how Ronnie brought up today that Mooch was so amazed by the fact that in NYC you can get a cheeseburger at 4:30 AM...... Yeah, I have to say... there's a major aspect I miss about not living in the city anymore...... I mean, here in the land of hams there are a couple places that are 24 hours, but where I live they are not a-plenty..... and not close by enough for one to amble there drunk..... So..... yeah... I miss that.
Just the other night at 4:30 AM in NYC I had me a breakfast burrito... and I'm gonna tell you something, people.... It was just what the Dr. ordered...... I'll level with you. I love a burrito, and they are basically just what the Dr. ordered just about any time of the day or night.... Bizarrely enough they are never what the actual real Dr. ever orders.... It's always more like, "Hey! No more burritos, you!" scrawled illegibly on a prescription paper and shoved in my face..... but well the point is I had a train to catch so I took half of it to go (it was really big)........Snacks for the train ride, yo... Well, slept on the train so that didn't happen, but when I woke up I was like soooo happy that I still had me that burrito..... "Fuck yeah," I thought....congratulating myself for saving that lil bastard...
OK, so we're in the car after leaving the train station. Stopped at a light, this homeless man comes up to our window asking for change....."For anything.... even if you just have something to eat... I haven't eaten," going on and on.... Now by now you know that I have in my possession this burrito. Without thinking I lean over Brian and hand that man my burrito.
Now, you see I did the right thing, right? I mean..... I should have felt good about myself.... Right?? OK, but even that was impossible. I'll tell you why.....it may have a lil something to do with the fact that sporadically, throughout the rest of the day, I complained up and down how much I missed that burrito! I was was like... "Shit man, I wish I had that burrito, that mutha was sooo goooood!" and, "Goddammit! I woulda given that dude ten bucks if I had it insteada that burrito!" and, "What the hell was I thinking!???"
See, Brian's a supportive cat and he was tryin to make me feel better.... He said that as I was missing that burrito so much, so devastated by its loss.... that I really had made a big sacrifice. I should feel good about that. No, see..... I'm just the worst person ever....in case you had forgotten that Grandma story.
You know that saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." Yeah, well I understand it to the fullness, now! Cept I guess that I punish those around me with hours of complaints after i do a good deed.
Ahhhhh well......... I do miss that burrito, and there is surely no place to find one here at this hour....
Hey, this came up today..... Ronnie, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself...." and said that Wyatt Earp had coined that phrase! I did not know! That's what I like... I like learning these lil nuggets of information......
OH, I also like Gary Marshall impressions.... Dudes, that cat and his sister are from The Bronx.... and that is no accent that I've ever heard in my native land...Yeah, according to me.....
That happened, right? Gary Marshall impressions? Or was it all some crazy dream..... ?
I really enjoyed hearing about Ron's crazy dream about he and Dave meeting Woody Allen on the street...when suddenly he is surrounded by huge crowds of people, and Woody gets all, "panicky and screaming like an old lady gettin her feet smashed by a hammer." Acting as body guards, they lead him to safety... though Dave gets a little over-zealous... pushing over women and children, yelling, "BACK! BACK!" When Ron tells Dave to take it easy, Woody interrupts, "No I like Dave's voice, it's very authoritative." ... Or something like that.......That was one strange and interesting dream, man....
I don't think I've ever dreamed of Woody Allen, and the mystifying thing to me is that it really feels strange that I haven't. I have had odd run-ins with most of my favorite directors....and even random scary people from info-mercials! What is this shit?
Well anyway, I'm sorry to go on and on here.... Just real quick, I wanted to let it be known that I would choose The Home Run Derby over the Slam Dunk Competition..... Wanted to be on the record there.... Also, dug the opening today..... Good ole What About Bob clips into some Little Feat..Ahhh, 'twas like a waking dream....cause I actually was waking up just then and thought, "Can this be real... two of my favorite things....together at last?" And... and.. I liked it muy mucho that Ron B. said nice stuff about Lowell George. We take kindly to Lowell George in these parts, him and everyone who emulates his fashion sense.
OK! For real, I'll let you go now.... Funny, funny show today.... I am diggin Wedding Week already... See ya later favorite people-
Signed,
kathleen from the Bronx :):):)
PS- I had this idea.... I think it was my idea.... I think I made up a new catchphrase.... When something is just crazy....bonkers.... nutso....I propose we yell, "That shit's The Madness of King George!!!" You see, a nice new catchphrase based on a film from......14 years ago. Yeah man, these things just come to me, ya know?! .....cause I was speaking of movies....and then how things are mad crazy sometimes.... Well, OK then.... Just let me know what you think...