Need some help

[ShelleBink]

The last several years, I've just been repeating myself. Certain situations come and go, and then it resets and starts over again. I'm getting older, and its the same things over and over again. I know I NEED to change, I definitely WANT to change, but i don't know HOW or WHAT to change.

But time after time, there's several weeks where things get very bleak. I just feel so down, I'm not myself, and I barely smile. Everything just makes me so upset. And it goes on for at least 3 weeks, maybe even a month. Then I snap out of it, forget it happened, and things are okay for a while. Then it goes back to awfulness. I'm not sure what it is, or why it happens, or what to do about it. I know one thing, I don't want to fix it with pills. It makes me feel so weak. And fake. I don't like not feeling what I want to feel.

I'm just not sure where to begin. I'm sure if I start going to the gym, I'd feel infinitely better about myself. But I hate going alone, and there isn't really anyone around nearby who would be a reliable gym partner. I don't know if it'll really fix the problem, or break the cycle. But I just feel like I'm pushing and rushing to do so many things, and getting absolutely nowhere.

I know a lot of it has to do with my environment. When most people think of "home," they think of something welcoming, relaxing, and comfortable. I just feel frustrated and depressed. I literally do as little as possible to interact with my family when I am home, and I know its not healthy. It sort of feels like jail.

So, clearly, one would suggest I move. Well, I thought of that. I thought of moving far, far away. Well, not "thought," its still in my mind. Somehow out of really nowhere, I got in my head I should move to Phoenix and get back into radio. One of my very good friends that I grew up with moved out there and offered to let me stay with her. But I'd want to just start with nothing and see where I end up. Unfortunately, finding a job is damn near impossible in the radio industry anywhere right now. I guess that's what sparked this depression this time around.

I was suggested to work in marketing in a related media field, and I'm still considering it. I don't want to apply until I'm very sure this is what I want. I realize applying doesn't guarantee anything, but applying MAY lead to an interview, and that MAY lead to a job. Which would make leaving a reality. And as much as I want to leave, of course, I don't want to either. I'd miss my niece like mad.

And to top it off, with my job that I'm not very happy with, there's a lot of talk with me about changing my position to something very different than I was hired for. I'd informally be in charge of a half dozen people in a certain department. I will say I've gotten much better at leading, being assertive, and managing others. I'm not sure if its really what I want to do. Yes, it would be great experience, but... I'm hesitant. It'd be a lot of responsibility and a LOT of potential for mistakes. Yes, mistakes are expected no matter what you do, but the level of accountability is something I'm not sure I'm comfortable with.

I guess I'm looking for insight, but I just needed to vent. I've seriously been stressing out way too much about this.

[milliehatchett]

Shelle, first I want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. It's weird that it's so cyclical but I'm sure that's important to the underlying cause.

It sounds like every where you turn - there is a serious lack of support. I guess it's no surprise that when your needs aren't met (like being able to come home to a relaxing "haven" or being able to FEEL successful at work) - you get depressed and/or anxious.

Though I know this is painful - it's "normal" to react this way. I would NOT suggest antidepressants. Those are more for chemical imbalance. Yours is definitely situational.

As for being kinda "stuck" - I have found that a truly good therapist can help out during those times. Doesn't need to be a long arduous commitment to therapy - just get some perspective...maybe a different way of thinking.

I've been exactly where you are...it can get better!

:wub:

[LaBoob]

Aw Shelle, I can't really offer any real advice because I'm in a similar situation myself... though maybe it helps to let someone know they're not alone. I considered moving out of state at one point but felt like it was running away from my issues and that they would follow me wherever I went. Facing them head on is the only way to really get past them.

One of the things that truly makes life worth living and gives me a reason to get up in the morning is this:
http://s255.photobucket.com/albums/hh153/wishpig107/th_sweetstasha.jpg
My beautiful baby-dog, Stasha. I got her a few years ago because I knew that my twenties were going to be tough, and a time full of transition, and I needed something to remain constant throughout. I couldn't have made a better decision because she's the best friend I've ever had. She has an endless amount of love to share and she's always there for me.
She is a huge part of my support system, but I do have a few friends that I can vent to and sometimes I feel like just talking about things help me get through it. It might not solve the problem, but it can help you gain perspective and even just realize HOW you feel about something. Keeping a journal can help too, but I'd rather talk.

[topless_mike]

Shelle,
Nothing will change unless you make it change. You need a catalyst. That, upon reading your post, i think would be a new environment.

Make the move- Grab it by the balls and run with it.

Seriously- You never know what might be waiting out there for you. You are young- take chances now while you can. You will move to fresh faces, a fresh environment in a growing city. Staying around will only make you more comfortable in your surroundings, and less likely to take a risk.

Who knows- maybe you'll end up doing something you never thought possible.

I've always wanted to live in Alaska or Maine- I thought about doing it right out of highschool. I never did, and now I cant and kind of regret not doing it now.

[thepaulo]

First of all you are the best.....you were the hit of the wedding in that dress.....

Second.....open your self to all kinds of people.....sometimes we shut ourselves off from some people because they don't seem like what we want.....you can be surprised.

Third....if you have the energy, do as much as you can with your time. If it's possible try not to neglect sides of yourself....most people do.

and if I didn't tell you this before....you're the best.

[CountryBob]

Ever thought of a little therapy?

It worked great for me.

[ChrisTheCop]

I can only comment on the fears of becoming the boss.
I was a cop for 12 years before I even considered actually being a sergeant. Most guys take their first test within their first 5 years. I enjoyed being a cop; responsible only for my actions. Why would anyone want to be responsible for 20 or so knuckleheads running around the city, not always in your view, but anything they do will reflect on you?

Well, I finally realized that the fact I ended up butting heads with a lot of supervisors was due to the fact I thought I could do their job better than them. So I took the test and passed. The entire time I was in "sergeant school", I worried that I had made the right choice; what if I fuck up? What if someone under me fucks up? But its been 5 years now, and although there indeed have been fuck ups, I know now that I made the right decision, because when those fuck ups presented themselves, I have handled them better than those supervisors before me would have.

Fear of the unknown is natural. But you just said youve become better, more comfortable, with being a leader...So to that end I say go for it; its more money too, right?!

Thats my two cents Shelle...other than to say you ARE such a sweet person, very likeable and lovely. Everyone knows that. I'm always sorry to read these posts of yours, lol, but I know youll get out of this rut just as you have the others. :thumbup: