Dealing with Jealousy

[sr71blackbird]

I have a problem and I need some advise.
I am discovering that I have a jealous streak in me and it has the potential to ruin my friendships. There is a woman I am friends with and whatever childlike part of my mind that has this jealous streak kind of wants to keep her "just for me" and I get pissed when she tells me about other people she hangs out with. I know it is wrong and I know I have no right, and it is getting to the point that she wont tell me, or if I hear about it I get that jealous cringe inside and I kind of shut down emotionally. I think it will ruin the friendship very soon unless I find a way to get it under control.
I try to rationalize it and completely understand that it is totally wrong on my part, but I cant seem to control myself.

What do I do? How do I get over this feeling?

http://bp1.blogger.com/_p3ohgfyd39g/Rv0XSrJ0UyI/AAAAAAAAASk/424JuQkhnmY/s1600/Green-eyd%2Bmonster.jpg

[Kris10]

This is why I don't tell you anything anymore J!

No seriously, I do understand. It's hard and I don't have any advice to offer but I really wish I did. I think in a way your jealous that she is free to have other relationships while you don't (you know what I'm talking about) but thats something you chose not to change. I know who your talking about because we've talked about her before but unless you do something about your current position you need to try and let the jealously go.

[Furtherman]

You're in luuuuuuuv.

That's what it seems to me. It's a girl you want for yourself. Better explore that feeling first.

[Ritalin]

It's good that you're thinking about it and recognize that it could be a problem.

Maybe it would help if you figured out why you feel that way. For example - and I'm not in any position to know if this is the real reason why you feel this way, it's just an example - if you're afraid that somehow this woman would prefer those other people to you, then that could spark jealousy.

It's a dark destructive emotion for sure, and you're right to try to get to the bottom of it.

Good luck.

[grlNIN]

I'm confused, aren't you married?

This may be unrelated but forgive me for saying that it seems most of your posts revolve/center around women that you work with.

The jealousy thing and "wanting her to yourself" seems pretty unhealthy, it's not like you're jealous of a possession or her good fortune, you're jealous of her interacting with other people. Besides the fact that is normally a little off, you're also a married man(?) and that seems like an abnormal feeling to be having for someone who is not your wife.(even if it was i don't think that would be good either).

[TheGameHHH]

Males shouldnt be jealous, thats a female trait.

Seriously, stop being jealous. Theres just no room for it in this short life. Or youre in love with this girl and thats a whole other story.

[Sinestro]

I don't know if you're married or not but if you are, why are you jealous of the peeps she hangs out with unless you want her for yourself relationship wise and sex wise. If the girl was your wife, I'd understand you being jealous. But if you're married and the girl is your friend, why the fuck do you give a rat's ass who the girl is banging unless you want to tap that ass yourself.

This thread ain't no good without pics.

[walking joint]

i was warned about my posts the last time i believe you talked about this girl, so i will keep it short. just let your wife move on as she deserves better.

[mdr55]

Have you told your friend that you feel uncomfortable when she talks about other guys to you and that you get jeolous when she's around other peeps? Was this woman "the one that you let get away" before you settled down (like the others replied in this post that you're married) and now you're her BMF (Best Male Friend if there is such a thing) who she kinda confides in and talks about personal stuff to. And cuz of this and the way she looks, you're attracted to her and when she displays feelings of affection to others, you get jeolous because a part of you is very attracted to her.

But if you two are just flirting and stuff, fuck it and get those feelings out of the way.

[sr71blackbird]

Its not like most of you are making it out. I am not "cheating" or whatever. We are just friends, but I guess I am jealous of her other friends and love interests for some reason. I am not looking to be with her, and in fact, I do not even believe it could ever work out if we were together because we are not compatible, but we are dear friends.
My problem is simply that I am jealous, and I want to get over it.
Just saying "stop being jealous" or "men shouldn't get jealous" is not helping, because if it was so simple, I wouldn't be asking for advise because the problem would be solved.

[mdr55]

But you wouldn't be jeolous if you didn't have some type of feelings for her. If she was one of your guy friends, would you be jealous of who she's hanging out with? I bet not. The more you deny that you're not attracted to her, the more your jeolousy will grow.

Like GVAC says, accept who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, your love and temptations, your sins and desires. Once you accept the whole, you will no longer be bound by feelings of jeolousy, because you are enlightened. (Or something like that)

[mdr55]

Its not like most of you are making it out. We are just friends, but I guess I am jealous of her other friends and love interests for some reason. I am not looking to be with her, and in fact, I do not even believe it could ever work out if we were together because we are not compatible, but we are dear friends.
My problem is simply that I am jealous, and I want to get over it.



Ain't nothing wrong with being friends (although you went from being just friends to dear friends). But why are you even thinking about being compatible if you two got together somewhere in back of your mind if she's your buddy?

[UpstateChris]

Probably not the ideal first post but....

Anytime an emotion continuously enters my system that is unwanted...that I can't just accept...I speak to my counsler about it. If this is serious enough where you think it will eventually cause the demise of the relationship, yet you clearly aren't happy about it, there's is likely something more deep rooted involved. I'm not insinuating dick, but that's just been my experience.

It's good that you recognize the behavior. If you are able, talk to yourself when you get the jealous cringes. "I have a tendancy to do this. It will pass. She is my friend as well and this isn't a competition" Things of that ilk.

Oh and, hello everyone!

[Kris10]

Oh my.

[grlNIN]

i was warned about my posts the last time i believe you talked about this girl, so i will keep it short. just let your wife move on as she deserves better.

I don't know what these other posts you are referring to were but you are 100% right.

I simply cannot believe that you(sr) focus on other women so obsessively. I have never read a post of yours where you spoke about your wife other than to comment that you are not cheating on her, which at this point isn't saying much.

Your fixations on women, specifically those you work with (and if im right there seems to be multiple-if theyre not just all the same women you post a lot about) are emotionally inappropriate and when it comes down to it emotionally unfaithful to your wife.

I know this is a serious forum and nothing that i have said above was meant to be taken as a joke. Unless your wife is a disfigured harpy from the 9th ring of Hell, i really do not think you deserve her. Or that you are just not suited to be a married man, despite all your denials.

[SatCam]

I know exactly how you feel sr71. I have felt that way in the past with both girlfriends and non-girlfriends alike. BUT, I think almost all the time it was about a girl I wanted for myself. If it is someone who I DONT want romantically, then I dont get jealous because I know they will still be friends with me even if they hang out/talk with other people.


The first thing I thought about when I opened this thread, though, was that you were a married guy and all your posts are about other women. I am in no way in a position to comment on your relationship with your wife, but all your posts about women seem to be about women other than your wife.

[Devo37]

Jealousy! Night and day you torture me...

[LaBoob]

I have a jealous streak. If I keep it unchecked I make a crazy person of myself. What seems to work for me is to pretend like I'm okay with it and act above it, and eventually I do feel that way. That way I appear like I have it together and not like a socially stunted, emotionally unstable whack job.

[Mike Teacher]

Males shouldnt be jealous, thats a female trait.



Wow for a minute I thought this was serious.

Man = the most jealous thing ever placed on planet Earth. No contest.

[angrymissy]

I agree with the other posts. I can tell you that if you were my husband, and were this interested in/jealous of another woman talking to men, you would be in some deep shit. Maybe you don't realize it, but it definitely sounds like you have feelings for this person, even if you have not had physical relationship with her.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair

[Knowledged_one]

I had a work wife at my last job, and we hung out all the time at work, we sat near each other, organized our days togetehr so that we had lunch together all the time, and when she got married she had to explain to her husband the situation as he didnt understand it. When i explained to my girl she had no problem becuase she knew that there was nothing in it. SR71 is it a situation like this?

[Furtherman]

You should be able to talk to your wife about anything and everything. That's what a good marriage / relationship is.

Would you be able to tell your wife about this jealous feeling?

[ADF]

My advice is to not hang out with this girl. You should stick with dudes as friends. People who can't handle having friends of the opposite sex without developing feelings should just steer clear.

[JPMNICK]

if you had the chance, would you sleep with this woman?

[IamPixie]

advice

[keithy_19]

advice

Golden.

[keithy_19]

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but I'll add a personal story just for flavor.

While I was dating my ex, (ya know, the whole awful thread about me never being happy again thread), I had started a new jo at a retail store. There was this girl who worked there who I got along with really well. Besides also feeling comfortable with her, I also thought she was really cute. I started thinking stupid thoughts about me and her and if it there was any chnce of us being romantic.

I remember one day, after getting off the phone with my ex that I was a dirtbag for thinking these thoughts about this other girl. Not so much that I wondered how it would be to be with her, but that I went out of my way to see whens he was working, and when I worked I would try to help her out in her section of the store and shit like that. But I thought about it, and I just decided it wasn't worth fucking up the relationship I had going on. Not over some girl who I worked with on occasion.

Honestly, sometimes you just have to seperate yourself from certain situations. If you don't want to be jealous, then maybe don't talk to her as much. Avoid it and you'll avoid the feelings too. With time you'll maybe forget about why you were jealous in the first place.

[jonyrotn]

I don't care wether you're married or not..I don't judge you one bit..I will however tell you that I believe jealousy is a useless emotion.The only one who suffers here is you..
Try this mental trick..
Envision only the time she spends with you..Think about YOUR stolen moments, the secrets YOU share..Think about all the awsome things you two have done to and with one another..
Then imagine that you are the one that the "other friends" want to be..You're the guy who gets all the primo time slots..It' you who she devuldges her deepest desires to..
In other words flip the script..Turn the tables, so to speak..If you believe it, so will she..
I know this type of "self promotion" works...I've seen it with my own eyes..

[sr71blackbird]

It is very hard to admit it but I do have feelings for her, but I am not about to end my marriage either. I kind of get this way about other stuff too (jobs or cars or whatever could be "taken from me"). I consider it jealousy. The point of the topic was to ask for help in getting those feelings out of my head and some of you got it and have helped. For that I thank you. It is true that I do not ordinarily bring up my wife, and part of the reason why is because it does not merit being brought up, but there are some problems that are personal.

(please let me have some privacy here - message to those who know me..)

[Sinestro]

No problem. Sinestro is always here to help people.