Venting

[RoseBlood]

Hey folks, I'm not seeking answers, just venting here:

I was just drifting off to sleep when my phone rings at 11:15. It's my mom calling from SC (she's visiting my brother). She leaves a message and she doesn't sound good but it wasn't anything urgent. She was awake and thought I might still be up, even though I'm usually asleep or going to sleep by then as I have to be up by 6/6:30.

Anyway, no big deal, I'm not mad at her for calling just sorta feeling weird because she told me over the weekend that my cousin whom i'll just say should be in jail happened to be visiting because it's his sisters birthday this weekend. The very thought of him my brother and my parents in the same room pains me. I was a little mad inside because when I asked my mom if she knew he'd be visiting she said the thought never crossed her mind. What made me even more sad was the fact that what if I had gone down? I didn't go because of this reason as well as work/school obligations. I briefly made mention of this fact but at the same time I know my mothers feeling very fragile right now and I told her to call me if she needed me but I'm still kinda pissed.

This just brings up all those feelings of not feeling protected as a kid. And even though I'm an adult now I still wish she'd learn to be a mother in that protective way, but i shouldn't hold my breath. I love her for all she has done for me but I still resent how she's handled this situation even though she can't find it in her to change. Sometimes I think I've accepted this fact then other times I just feel so let down.

I know as an adult I'm responsible for my actions and who and what i talk about but I was raised in a house where what happened in the house and amongst the family was to stay in the house and within the family. My mother has always made it very clear that is the best way and hence she frowned upon us talking to outsiders about personal problems. Sometimes I think that way of thinking is bullshit and unhealthy and only serves to make us feel worse. I have mixed feelings because she always made it seem like other people will use whatever info i give them against me and not to give anyone ammunition. Thankfully I'm not quite as extreme as she is but i do still feel that push and pull of doing/saying what i feel compelled to and hearing her voice in the back of my head warning me not too.

This might all be in my own head but I resent having been taught this because sometimes I get this feeling people at work think the only problem i could possibly have is deciding what shoes to wear, when that most def. isn't the case. I try to keep my personal problems seperate from work. I guess i was annoyed because a comment was made insinuating i dont have real problems to which i said "just because i dont advertise my problems doesn't mean i dont have any."

On a side note I do have to commend myself. During Lent, I ate meat on a Friday and when my mom found out she got a little upset but jokingly said I was going to hell. So I jokingly fired back "God only punishes you for eating meat on a friday if you feel guilt over it, i dont feel guilt but you must feel tons of guilt, so you best make sure you dont eat any meat for the rest of lent."

Obviously I plan on talking about this recent turn of events with my therapist but right now, once again, i dont know what to think.

[Badinia]

Hi RB! Long time no see! Pig kisses!

I feel you. We wish our parents were perfect, but frequently they're not even good.

[Justice4all]

Hey folks, I'm not seeking answers, just venting here:

I love her for all she has done for me but I still resent how she's handled this situation even though she can't find it in her to change. Sometimes I think I've accepted this fact then other times I just feel so let down.

I know as an adult I'm responsible for my actions and who and what i talk about but I was raised in a house where what happened in the house and amongst the family was to stay in the house and within the family. My mother has always made it very clear that is the best way and hence she frowned upon us talking to outsiders about personal problems. Sometimes I think that way of thinking is bullshit and unhealthy and only serves to make us feel worse. I have mixed feelings because she always made it seem like other people will use whatever info i give them against me and not to give anyone ammunition. Thankfully I'm not quite as extreme as she is but i do still feel that push and pull of doing/saying what i feel compelled to and hearing her voice in the back of my head warning me not too.

This might all be in my own head but I resent having been taught this because sometimes I get this feeling people at work think the only problem i could possibly have is deciding what shoes to wear, when that most def. isn't the case. I try to keep my personal problems seperate from work. I guess i was annoyed because a comment was made insinuating i dont have real problems to which i said "just because i dont advertise my problems doesn't mean i dont have any."

On a side note I do have to commend myself. During Lent, I ate meat on a Friday and when my mom found out she got a little upset but jokingly said I was going to hell. So I jokingly fired back "God only punishes you for eating meat on a friday if you feel guilt over it, i dont feel guilt but you must feel tons of guilt, so you best make sure you dont eat any meat for the rest of lent."

Obviously I plan on talking about this recent turn of events with my therapist but right now, once again, i dont know what to think.


Holy shit RoseBlood....I could have written this vent word for word. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Even on the Lent issue! I argue with my mother all the time about how God really doesn't care if we eat meat on fridays during or not during lent. How that was a man made law and not something God decreed.

I know what you mean and Badina pretty much summed it up. When we grow up we come to realize how some of the things our parents did, although I am sure with the best of intentions, did us more harm then good sometimes. They were not perfect and they did love us. Like you said, I wish my mother was more open to change.
She thinks she is open minded but she isn't alot of the time.

And when it comes to the 'what happens in this family STAYS in it' theory...again...you and I are on the same page.

[Dude!]

as soon as you can support yourself get out of the house and on your own
then you can start to put the past behind and build healthy relationships with new people
and put distance between you and your mother

[JPMNICK]

as soon as you can support yourself get out of the house and on your own
then you can start to put the past behind and build healthy relationships with new people
and put distance between you and your mother

i agree 100% about the getting out part. it is the best situation.

i think that when you move out, you will get closer with the people who you do not get along with so much now just because you are on top of them all the time and all the little shit bothers you.

[nate1000]

If I am reading between the lines correctly- you were molested by your cousin when you were a kid and your mother swept it under the rug? Now she's hanging out with the dude? Yeah, you need to spend some time with your therapist. Your mom prolly should, too. And it sounds like a joint session might not be a bad idea to lay the issues on the table.

Good luck.

[Melissa the Accountant]

When we grow up we come to realize how some of the things our parents did, although I am sure with the best of intentions, did us more harm then good sometimes.

You know, this is so true, and sometimes my knowing it makes me feel worse about how I can't just overlook everything my family does/has done. No matter how much I try to look at it rationally that maybe I don't really owe them anything I still feel like I should be a bigger person than this, suck it up, and try to have a relationship with them.

And when it comes to the 'what happens in this family STAYS in it' theory...again...you and I are on the same page.

That is my immediate family to a tee. I was disowned by my mother earlier this year for the crime of talking to my father's mother, whom she hates, about a couple of things that happened during my childhood. My grandmother let it slip to my father that I had visited, he told my mother, and that evening my mother called and went insane on me. My boyfriend could hear her screaming through the phone from across the house. I haven't talked to her since then and hope not to again. I found out later that my grandmother had never actually disclosed what we talked about. So my mother actually had no sure way of knowing that I had said anything critical of her anyway (I did).

I don't think my father feels the same as her, but he never disobeys my mother. Therefore, my last few phone calls and e-mails to him have gone unanswered.

The sad part is that I feel more relieved by this enforced distance than anything else.

Hang in there, RoseBlood. These things are never easy, but we get more used to them over time. I think the hardest part of all is wrestling with wanting to protect yourself, versus wanting to avoid hurting or upsetting them. Sometimes there just is no real solution. Having some distance there has helped me (other than I have been thinking of it lately because of all the stupid mother's day ads reminding us that SHE BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD, YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT HER), and despite the trauma of the whole mess, I feel loads better since I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[TheMojoPin]

The only thing worse than paternal guilt is having it topped off with a heaping helping of Catholic guilt. I know from experience how rough that is...the amount of stress and worry that kind of environment causes is awful. Tough as it is, it sounds like it's time to get yourself some distance between yourself and all the guilt-causing.

[weekapaugjz]

hey roseblood,

i can't even imagine beginning putting myself in your shoes going through the emotions you must be dealing with. im just hoping you come through strong in this situation like i know you can. you listened to me when i was at one of the lowest points in my life and it really meant a lot to me. i can only wish to be as supportive and give as good advice as you have given to me. you know you can always pm me if you want to vent some more, i will always be an open ear for that outlet.

keep your head up! you can get through this.

[Justice4all]

You know, this is so true, and sometimes my knowing it makes me feel worse about how I can't just overlook everything my family does/has done. No matter how much I try to look at it rationally that maybe I don't really owe them anything I still feel like I should be a bigger person than this, suck it up, and try to have a relationship with them.



That is my immediate family to a tee. I was disowned by my mother earlier this year for the crime of talking to my father's mother, whom she hates, about a couple of things that happened during my childhood. My grandmother let it slip to my father that I had visited, he told my mother, and that evening my mother called and went insane on me. My boyfriend could hear her screaming through the phone from across the house. I haven't talked to her since then and hope not to again. I found out later that my grandmother had never actually disclosed what we talked about. So my mother actually had no sure way of knowing that I had said anything critical of her anyway (I did).

I don't think my father feels the same as her, but he never disobeys my mother. Therefore, my last few phone calls and e-mails to him have gone unanswered.

The sad part is that I feel more relieved by this enforced distance than anything else.

Hang in there, RoseBlood. These things are never easy, but we get more used to them over time. I think the hardest part of all is wrestling with wanting to protect yourself, versus wanting to avoid hurting or upsetting them. Sometimes there just is no real solution. Having some distance there has helped me (other than I have been thinking of it lately because of all the stupid mother's day ads reminding us that SHE BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD, YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT HER), and despite the trauma of the whole mess, I feel loads better since I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.


Melissa, first off I am really sorry you have to go through something like that. If your mother has so much hatred for someone like that it effects her relationship with the people she 'supposedly' loves then that is HER burden to bear, not yours. I know it most likely hurt to have your mom do and say that to you. In time when she looks around and sees no one but your dad (provided he does not wake up and either leave her or stand up for himself), she will realize then she fucked up big time. If she doesn't, then you might just be better off without her.

We have seen in all the movies where the person wises up and realizes they really fucked up, but that is just hollywood. Sad to say people can be pointed out that they are a screwup or a douchebag and still go about their merry way no caring who they try to piss off or hurt. (if it happens at all). I feel sorry for those people. They really are blinded by their own feeling of Self Importance. You sound like a good person, and if you can take the best parts of your parents and learn from the worst part, you will be ok. (That's how I see it)

As far as the overlooking thing...well I think there are varying degrees of what a family member can do that can be overlooked. SOMETIMES you have to accept the fact there is an immature member who you just have to deal with sometimes and nothing you say or do will change them. Just smile and show up at Xmas (or Chanukah or whenever) and deal from time to time.

But the harsher stuff, like having a pedophile or a criminal in the family? To keep this from everyone so the family can 'save face' is putting everyone else at risk. If your Uncle the Molester moved into a neighborhood who did not know about his past...or he never even was caught because it was a well kept family secret....would you say somthing to the Authorities? I know I sure would! (After I beat the living shit out of him...THEN the cops can have him) Those things, the ones the families keep to themselves, are just selfish people who want to keep the appearence more than keeping their dignity.

Ok I am getting off track and shutting up now.


Sorry

[Melissa the Accountant]

But the harsher stuff, like having a pedophile or a criminal in the family? To keep this from everyone so the family can 'save face' is putting everyone else at risk. If your Uncle the Molester moved into a neighborhood who did not know about his past...or he never even was caught because it was a well kept family secret....would you say somthing to the Authorities? I know I sure would! (After I beat the living shit out of him...THEN the cops can have him) Those things, the ones the families keep to themselves, are just selfish people who want to keep the appearence more than keeping their dignity.

Yeah, when I came back and read this thread again later, I thought, oh, duh. How did I miss the strongly implied molestation thing? It was very discreetly termed, but fairly obvious. I guess I was in such a hurry to hijack someone else's thread and talk about my own mommy issues that I overlooked that!

Roseblood, I really sympathize with your situation. If your cousin did something to you and your family still acts the same way toward him and pretends that nothing happened, that is really thoughtless. The sad thing is that they probably think something like they are doing what is best for the family, which unfortunately is garbage, since they are not acting in your best interests. I had/have a tendency to endlessly struggle over whether my parents' good intentions (since most people do not deliberately act against their children) outweighed the fact that they were pretty crappy in a lot of other respects.

It's hard to really internalize this message, at least it was for me, but you have every right to feel the way you do, and it is OK (although often not easy) to put some physical and emotional distance between yourself and your family if that is what you need to be emotionally healthy. It's OK to be selfish about your needs in this case. This is your life, not theirs.

[Justice4all]

It's hard to really internalize this message, at least it was for me, but you have every right to feel the way you do, and it is OK (although often not easy) to put some physical and emotional distance between yourself and your family if that is what you need to be emotionally healthy. It's OK to be selfish about your needs in this case. This is your life, not theirs.

Absolutely, I could not agree more. And it is not just restricted to family either.