Marital problems

[Crispy123]

I have been having marital problems. My thinking on the subject is clouded by a temper, jealousy, and a semi anti-social personality so maybe I can get a different perspective. My wife tells me she wants a divorce (not right away she says). This was right before Valentines Day so it’s been a little while.

Things have not been going so well and our relationship has been on a downward spiral. I got out of the military about a year and a half ago (after 10 1/2 years), moved back to Florida, stayed with my parents for a few months, I finished my Bachelors degree, went on unemployment, got my pilots license and I’m working on becoming a commercial pilot (pilot for hire).

In the meantime I have a stepdaughter that’s 9 that I get along with for the most part but I cant really relate to a nine year old girl all that much. We also have a 4 y/o girl that my wife says I treat differently than my stepdaughter (duh). We bought a house that we cant afford b/c my wife was supposed to get a full time job but she’s has stayed part-time (not through her choice). She has expensive tastes and my new lifestyle doesn’t allow me the extra spending cash that I used to have. So basically it’s a stress fest.

My stepdaughters dad is also close by now. The guy is older than my dad, has no job, lots of spending money and like 8 other kids with 8 other chicks. My wife has claimed she wants her independence and wants to get her life together. The problem is while getting her independence, she has spent every spare minute at her exes house. She claims he is a “friend”. Let me also mention that when we first got together she considered just leaving and not keeping in touch with the guy because his lifestyle was not good for their daughter. The guy has tried to be my friend, we have hung out to get to know each other and tells me they are just friends as well (he does have an on again off again girlfriend). Looking at the guy I would never consider him to be a rival for any girl that I was interested in but my chick has daddy "issues" and chicks dont go for the same things in mates that guys do.

Now my wife is moving out of our house, shes got her own place (about an hour and a half away from me but 15 mins from the ex) and a new job (her old one was a nightmare). She wont tell me she is willing to work on our relationship or if there is even a chance she will want to in the future. In the meantime we have been fighting, talking and blaming each other for various things, we have kind of settled most of it and agreed to disagree on some subjects but she has recently started having sex with me again and like bartering for various services and furniture. I don’t really know how I feel about the situation. I don’t have a problem with any of it but the fact that she wont say that she will even consider working on us (although it feels like we are making some progress) and the “friendship” with the ex. Of course it was my idea that the guy stay in the picture for the kid and I invited him to spend time with us when we moved closer but that was when I had no clue my wife was getting ready to split.

Im really confused, Im pretty sure where this is heading but I had to vent and hopefully get some fresh perspectives. Im really not wanting to get a divorce because I love her and b/c of the kids. I realize I have been difficult to be around (this is my 2nd marriage the first one ended very similarly, but for different reasons) and Im willing to try and work things out, there have been so many things that have happened in my life over the last couple of years that I think I should at least get another shot, but if I cant trust her then I cant stay married.

[TheMojoPin]

Just want to remind people which forum this thread is in.

[furie]

if they guy doesn't have a job, how does he have spending money?

[Furtherman]

In the meantime I have a stepdaughter that’s 9 that I get along with for the most part but I cant really relate to a nine year old girl all that much. We also have a 4 y/o girl that my wife says I treat differently than my stepdaughter (duh).

Put your problems on hold for a bit and treat your stepdaughter as your own daughter. Your wife can tell and most likely so will the little girl. If you can do that, that will impress your wife. And your daughter will be nine in five years. Here's your chance to start "relating" with a child.

[Chigworthy]

You guys should at least give therapy a shot, I would think. I have no experience w/ it, but maybe try it. It would be a good starting point.

[Jujubees2]

Crispy,

If she's not interested in working on the relationship it won't work. And if you can't trust her, then there's no foundation to build any kind of relationship.

Sorry man.

[Kris10]

This is sort of similar to my life except my ex got out of the military and I was unhappy because he was a completely different person after 2 tours of Iraq, he was jealous I was working full time & making more money than him, and he went back to talking to his ex wife who is a lesbian. He divorced me and has another child with his ex wife....well, thats debateable, he signed the birth cert & record of paternity stating it was his but his ex wife and he say its not his child and he doesn't pay her child support, so I don't know.

Anyway, I'm sorry your going through all of this but I honestly think she is more than just "friends" with her ex than she is saying. You don't need her and she is moving on in her life without you, she's already moved out based on what you said. You can love a person all you want but sometimes it doesn't matter, they may not love you back.

I've been married once, I'm scared to get married again. I feel like I failed but I can't blame myself, it just didn't work out, people change. You can't blame yourself... regardless of what marriage # this may be for you.

Good luck and if you need to talk, pm me. I was a military spouse and was faithful to my husband, I'm very proud of you for getting out and working towards your comm pilot's license. It really takes a lot to transition back into civilian life.

Edited: She's not willing to tell you whether she's willing to work on your future together because the truth is she doesn't want to work on it. I didn't want to work on mine and it was easier not to answer the question than to say it to him.

[Team_Ramrod]

One of the biggest problems, in my opinion, is that when they start to hit rough patches we immediately think of the convenience of having a partner around. We start to fear being without them and that motivates us to 'pull up our socks' and vow to never be 'that person' again.

I've been there, it doesn't work.

I've lived the 'friend' thing in the past; from experience... they might have a plutonic relationship but there is something else driving it. I feel horrible for you man, I really do.
I've been there and I can relate to the feelling; what advice I can give you is to back away, distance yourself from the situation and don't pressure anything. There is a 'friend' there and until the situation is clarified in her head what this 'friend' means to her, there will be the continual visits and time spent.

You can't force anything at this point, you have to either let it play out as it may and save some face and respect, or you have to go apeshit crazy on the new friend.

In my case I let it play out, got away and moved on and made my own 'friendships'... In the end she came back, I reluctantly accepted because I was in a happier place. Now I'm glad we had the troubles, the time apart and that I said I'd try again.

Keep your head up man, we're always here to listen at the very least.