Wedding Gift ettiquite

[Sinestro]

One of my friends is getting married this weekend or next. The wedding is being held in another country. On the wedding invites, it says something to the effect "Your presense is the more valuable gift you can give but if you can't come, money would be fine" or something like that but written more eloquently.


I'm not going to the wedding or the reception cuz obviously it's in another country. Am I still obligated to give a gift? And if it's money how much? My friend said that she may give $25 if even that or no gift at all.


And one of our other friends, who committed to being in the wedding party as originally he was told that he only had to put out money for the plane fare as the accomadations and stuff was supposed to be taken care of by the groom, is going spending all that money for this event (plane fare, hotel, etc.) as the groom was going to charge him for staying in his aunt's house (our friend decided to look for his own lodging). Are they obligated to give a gift too? Remember what the invite said.

[PapaBear]

That whole thing sounds fucked up. If you feel like you should send some cash, then send what you feel like giving. But... If you don't send any, don't feel guilty about it at all. The only "etiquette issue" for you, should be to send a response to the invitation. Tell them you cannot attend, and include a card of congratulations.

[TeeBone]

One of my friends is getting married this weekend or next.

Is this really your friend???
if you have an invitation, isn't the date written on it???

[Melissa the Accountant]

That whole thing sounds fucked up. If you feel like you should send some cash, then send what you feel like giving. But... If you don't send any, don't feel guilty about it at all. The only "etiquette issue" for you, should be to send a response to the invitation. Tell them you cannot attend, and include a card of congratulations.

Totally agree. A couple summers ago I read a 500 page Miss Manners etiquette book cover to cover and from this experience I can tell you with complete confidence that from an etiquette standpoint, it is considered entirely inappropriate to even mention gifts. The people issuing the invitations are supposed to do so with no strings attached, and in fact, are not even supposed to mention gift giving in the context of "please no gifts" or "please give money instead". It's considered rude to mention gifts in the invitation because it's almost like charging a guest for their attendance at your event.

So to punish them for their poor behavior, I would send no gift, no money, and a very nice congratulations card wishing them all the best and making no mention of any gifting issues whatsoever.

Either that, or send an empty, totally beat up box accompanied by a card congratulating them and enthusing about how much you know they will LOVE your gift. Although, I guess customs might make that difficult.

[Thebazile78]

Strictly speaking, it's really tacky to mention gifts AT ALL on an invitation. So your friends, most likely not intending to be tacky or rude, were being tacky and kind of rude. (A similar situation was just featured in Miss Manners' column on MSN. (http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=6749649))

For many ettiquette mavens, especially of our parents' generation, gifts shouldn't even be mentioned in the shower invitations ... the guests are supposed to ask the mothers or close friends of the couple where they are registered.

That said, it's a nice gesture to send a gift, whether it's a small amount of money or something off their gift registry, etc.

Many ettiquette mavens would also say it's an absolute must to send a gift even when you're unable to attend, but the amount you spend (or send, if sending cash or a check) would be less than if you'd physically attended the event. [My hubby & I were invited to a wedding shortly after we'd gotten engaged ... and one of us was unemployed at the time. We couldn't afford to attend the wedding, but since my hubby was a friend of the groom's family, we sent a cash gift to wish the happy couple well as they started their life together.]

As for your friend who is an attendant ... I am not sure whether there are strict rules governing gifting from attendants. Usually, the attendants have spent quite a bit of money already in the lead-up to the wedding itself ... they've spent on their attire, bridal shower (for brides' attendants), bachelor/bachelorette party, etc. ... and are there to support the happy couple. For younger couples, I should think that this support is quite enough (it was for me, but that's because I never thought of my wedding party as cash cows) but there seems to be an expectation that attendants also give a gift. (It's a nice gesture!)

[jeffdwright2001]

My wife flew out recently to a wedding of a friend of ours. They mentioned nothing in the invitation concerning gifts. They did however, send out an e-mail saying that they had been asked where they were registered.

The couple then stated that they would prefer no gifts or money be spent at all, however, if someone felt compelled to do something, they could donate $$ to a cancer charity they named. The groom had lost his mother within the last year to cancer.

I believe that (unless it has changed), you have up to 1 year to give a gift to the newly married couple. I recommend waiting a while and see how you feel a month from now.

[Freitag]

Destination Weddings are the worst. Unless you're rich and everyone else won't be financially strapped to go, it makes no sense to me.

The only way it does make sense is a small wedding for you and you close, close loved ones and then have a party when you get home.

I had floated the idea of getting married in Phoenix, but I realized that the expense and the logistics would be nuts.

Liz mentioned a wedding we couldn't go to; it was a combination of distance, hotel, etc, that I was looking easily at a total cost of 500 bucks down for someone I hadn't spoken to (no maliciousness, we just grew apart) in 15 years.

[Marc with a c]

$25?

Would you save a growing baby in a river?

[Marc with a c]

$25?

Would you save a drowning baby in a river?

[King Hippos Bandaid]

$25?

Would you save a growing baby in a river?

$25?

Would you save a drowning baby in a river?



the 2nd one was funnier

[Freitag]

$25?

Would you save a growing baby in a river?

Depends. This some sort of mutant baby?

[IMSlacker]

I don't get the "growing baby" line.

[King Hippos Bandaid]

destination weddings are sneaky


they get their best friends and their family to fly to Island and have a blast

they are suckers who have to pay foir an ok reception, but their prize is the destination


then there are the secondary freinds and the good one , who cant afford or dont have the vacation

they get gifts and dont feed or have a party



I feel that if they get gifts from the people who stay local

they should have a reception ( not as big as a real wedding)

to celebrate with the gift givers

[Thebazile78]

My wife flew out recently to a wedding of a friend of ours. They mentioned nothing in the invitation concerning gifts. They did however, send out an e-mail saying that they had been asked where they were registered.

The couple then stated that they would prefer no gifts or money be spent at all, however, if someone felt compelled to do something, they could donate $$ to a cancer charity they named. The groom had lost his mother within the last year to cancer.

I believe that (unless it has changed), you have up to 1 year to give a gift to the newly married couple. I recommend waiting a while and see how you feel a month from now.

You do have up to 1 year after the occasion to send a gift. Miss Manners and TheKnot both agree on that point!

A donation in memory of a loved one is another option that more couples are choosing nowadays ... I think it's also because people are trending to marry later in life, many with established careers and/or households, so there's less of a pressing need for kitchen gadgets & cash because the happy couple has that stuff already.

There are some couples who donate the cost of whatever they might have spent on favors at the reception to a charity that's meaningful to both of them.

[Thebazile78]

destination weddings are sneaky

......


I feel that if they get gifts from the people who stay local

they should have a reception ( not as big as a real wedding)

to celebrate with the gift givers

Lots of people would disagree with that because that second party could be construed (and will probably be construed by older invitees) as a ploy to get gifts.

My old manager did something similar to that ... she & her husband got married out in Vegas over Thanksgiving weekend in '05, then they had a big party the following July for their friends from this area who weren't invited to the smaller Vegas ceremony. (I didn't see it as a ploy for gifts myself, as I was pleased to have been included, but I told someone else about it and they saw it differently.)

[Marc with a c]

The growing baby line must've been some sort of 2.1 glitch

[King Hippos Bandaid]

Lots of people would disagree with that because that second party could be construed (and will probably be construed by older invitees) as a ploy to get gifts.

My old manager did something similar to that ... she & her husband got married out in Vegas over Thanksgiving weekend in '05, then they had a big party the following July for their friends from this area who weren't invited to the smaller Vegas ceremony. (I didn't see it as a ploy for gifts myself, as I was pleased to have been included, but I told someone else about it and they saw it differently.)

yeah i can see your point

thank god none of my friends and family (esp Randy) have not had a destination wedding

[K.C.]

I'm actually glad this thread came up.

I have to go to a wedding in a couple weeks, and I've been wondering about the gift. Naturally, I'll probably just give cash, but how much is a tricky issue.

I've always been taught that you, at least, give enough to cover the cost of your plate and drinks at the reception...a little extra depending how close the person is.


No idea what you give if you're not going.

[Thebazile78]

I'm actually glad this thread came up.

I have to go to a wedding in a couple weeks, and I've been wondering about the gift. Naturally, I'll probably just give cash, but how much is a tricky issue.

I've always been taught that you, at least, give enough to cover the cost of your plate and drinks at the reception...a little extra depending how close the person is.


No idea what you give if you're not going.

That depends.

The "cost of your plate," while a decent rule of thumb, could bankrupt some of us whose friends can afford a more lavish wedding than some others of us. Especially seeing as how weddings and similar events tend to come in multiples!

If that's going to be more than you can afford, don't go broke to give a gift. Give what you can afford and don't worry about it.

Many of my friends and family are less than affluent. We received wedding gifts in proportion to their ability to spend. Which means that we may have received $30 from one family member but $100 or more from another.

If you're not going, and you opt not to send a material gift (like something off the registry or somesuch) figure out what you would have given if you'd gone and give a little less than that amount.

[Justice4all]

Destination Weddings are the worst. Unless you're rich and everyone else won't be financially strapped to go, it makes no sense to me.


I had floated the idea of getting married in Phoenix, but I realized that the expense and the logistics would be nuts.

Liz mentioned a wedding we couldn't go to; it was a combination of distance, hotel, etc, that I was looking easily at a total cost of 500 bucks down for someone I hadn't spoken to (no maliciousness, we just grew apart) in 15 years.

I could not agree more. My cousin got married for her second time back in 2005. She decided to do it in the Bahamas on the beach at sunset. It was her husbands 1st marrige.
They told people who could not make it "we know you will be there in spirit if you can't come". And it was not just fly out there, stay for a weekend and fly back. They HAD to have the whole wedding party and group on a cruiseship. 3 day cruise from Miami. :thumbdown::wallbash:

It was a nightmare.

Of course I came with my GF. It cost about 500 per person (including airfare thank god) so I shilled out over 1k to go to this thing. No I did not buy a gift since it was her second wedding and if my presense was so important then they really should not give a shit.

The kicker? Since you had to be in the Bahamas for more then 24 hours for the wedding to be legit, and we were ony docked for 22 hours, they had a civil cerimony two weeks earlier. They never told anyone (it got leaked by accident weeks later) because they were afraid that no one would come on the cruise.
They didn't think that the people who would have liked to go to the wedding and could not afford it might want to go to at least the civil cerimony. (They live in NC)

As soon as I heard I didn't HAVE to go to the wedding and could have saved about 500 by taking a trip to NC instead I hit the roof.
They ain't getting any gift from me. Fuck that!

I AM going to another cousin's wedding in VT the 1st weekend of June. I do plan on giving about $100.00. I figure that is an appropriate figure.

[EddieMoscone]

I'm getting married in two weeks. RE: not attending, 2 different guests who could not make both sent a $100 check with their response card.

From my angle, I am hoping that most guests cover the cost of their plate. I've usually given $200 if I went to the wedding solo, $300 if I brought a date. In most cases I believe that more than covered the plate, and even helped them cut into the cost of flowers, dj, official, limos, photographer, etc., etc.

[EddieMoscone]

I could not agree more. My cousin got married for her second time back in 2005. She decided to do it in the Bahamas on the beach at sunset. It was her husbands 1st marrige.

After the 1st wedding, the only person who should be attending a wedding is the lady/guy who works at the courthouse plus a witness if required by law.

[Justice4all]

After the 1st wedding, the only person who should be attending a wedding is the lady/guy who works at the courthouse plus a witness if required by law.

Yea but as Crippler likes to point out...my family tends to act like the Kennedy's. Nothing is ever done small. He would be right on the money in this sense. But my cousin has always needed to be the center of attention and leave those who choose not to join her in her wake while party-ing all the time. She is in her 40's and, in my opinion, still has that 'party girl attitude' (which would explain why she married a guy 15+ years younger then her)
Of course I have not talked to her since my sisters wedding last year...so I would'nt know now...but I really don't care to.

For my second marrige it will be a small gathering, just family and close friends. No gift, just come and join in the celebration. Make it nice and simple. Maybe on a beach (but somewhere DRIVABLE)

[K.C.]

After the 1st wedding, the only person who should be attending a wedding is the lady/guy who works at the courthouse plus a witness if required by law.

Gotta agree on that.


The other thing that's shady is the people who try to turn a profit of their wedding. A guy we know got married a couple weeks back. Some of the invites, in terms of who he put in, and who he left out didn't exactly reflect his friendships.

So we kind of started thinking about it, and the only thing we could figure is that he started thinking about gift money and invited accordingly.

The goal of wedding should be to break even...what you get offsets the costs of putting the wedding on. If you end up with a little extra cash, or someone goes a little overboard...fine...but you shouldn't be making up your guest lists based on "how can I come out a couple Gs ahead."

[Freitag]

Yea but as Crippler likes to point out...my family tends to act like the Kennedy's.

Two headshots, rampant infidelity and alcoholism, and a tumor?

[Freitag]

I'm getting married in two weeks. RE: not attending, 2 different guests who could not make both sent a $100 check with their response card.

From my angle, I am hoping that most guests cover the cost of their plate. I've usually given $200 if I went to the wedding solo, $300 if I brought a date. In most cases I believe that more than covered the plate, and even helped them cut into the cost of flowers, dj, official, limos, photographer, etc., etc.

Those numbers are VERY locale-specific. It can be a lot more expensive or a lot less expensive depending on where the wedding is.

One of the tackiest things I saw was people writing checks at the actual reception, once they got a feel for how much the wedding cost.

[Leticia]

This is how I feel about this situation.

25 bucks is a pretty cheap gift if you're not going to the wedding.

Remember, the gift you give them is supposed to help them on their journey as a married couple.

I understand that people will be paying to fly out there but you have to remember that the bride and groom are paying sooooo much more than anyone is paying to go out there and stay for the wedding.

For our wedding we just posted our theknot.com website on there which had info on the wedding as well as our registries.

My family and friends are all mostly from NY and the wedding was deep in Jersey so we rented a charter bus to get them there.

One of my bride's maids had moved out to Texas so she had to fly in and had originally had problems with the amount of money she would be spending on a rental car and a hotel.
The way we solved that was we asked her to stay in the city at our place. That way she only had to pay for a hotel the night of the wedding and she wouldn't have to rent a car at all cause all she would have to do to get anywhere is take a subway.

So that took care of that!
However, she did not get us a present (or even a card!). I actually didn't even remember she didn't until now. I would never be mad at her for it cause she came all the way here to be apart of our wedding. (And she introduced us, that's enough of a present!)

So basically, if you're not going to the wedding the least you can do is get them a good present.

By the way, I had family come all the way from the dominican republic and they still got us a puppy!! (a friggin puppy!!!!)

Weddings suck the bride and groom dry, help them out!!

If you made it this far past what I wrote congratulations! Take a nap,lol.

[Leticia]

I'm getting married in two weeks. RE: not attending, 2 different guests who could not make both sent a $100 check with their response card.

From my angle, I am hoping that most guests cover the cost of their plate. I've usually given $200 if I went to the wedding solo, $300 if I brought a date. In most cases I believe that more than covered the plate, and even helped them cut into the cost of flowers, dj, official, limos, photographer, etc., etc.

You're the best wedding guest ever! :)

Listen to this guy!!!

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

Sending $25 would look worse than sending nothing at all. It just IS.

If you want to send money, send $50 or $75 or more depending where your friends know where you are in your life.

[Justice4all]

Two headshots, rampant infidelity and alcoholism, and a tumor?

Considering where the tumor is, it looks like three head shots kill all three Kennedy's!

And I was thinking more on the level of how they are outrageous with the come-one-come-all parties they HAVE to have at every stupid event. Birthdays, Anniversary's, I got my first job...ect. ect.

There is never one year where there isn't a surprise birthday or big blowout party for someone.

Case-in-point...the cousin who got married on the cruise, her hubby is turning 30 this year and she wants to have a big blowout birthday cruise for him. only 3 years after her wedding cruise and last year my sisters huge wedding. And I mean HUGE! (over 400 strong huge). And my brother's is next year.

That is the mentality I am talking about.


Hey cuz, call me when he hits 50...then I'll see.

[MobCounty]

Totally agree. A couple summers ago I read a 500 page Miss Manners etiquette book cover to cover and from this experience I can tell you with complete confidence that from an etiquette standpoint, it is considered entirely inappropriate to even mention gifts. The people issuing the invitations are supposed to do so with no strings attached, and in fact, are not even supposed to mention gift giving in the context of "please no gifts" or "please give money instead". It's considered rude to mention gifts in the invitation because it's almost like charging a guest for their attendance at your event.

So to punish them for their poor behavior, I would send no gift, no money, and a very nice congratulations card wishing them all the best and making no mention of any gifting issues whatsoever.

Either that, or send an empty, totally beat up box accompanied by a card congratulating them and enthusing about how much you know they will LOVE your gift. Although, I guess customs might make that difficult.


For Truth Melissa.
How much you wanna bet they try to get away with a money dance too..?

It sounds like a shitastic event, skip it and skip the wedding. If you ever see your friends again, take them to dinner and buy them a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

[Melissa the Accountant]

For Truth Melissa.
How much you wanna bet they try to get away with a money dance too..?

It sounds like a shitastic event, skip it and skip the wedding. If you ever see your friends again, take them to dinner and buy them a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

Aww, you make me feel better for being such a mean, withholding bitch. Everybody else gave suggestions on what kind of gift, how much, etc. etc. but seemed to agree that a gift was in order regardless. They are so much nicer than me. And probably have more friends! I think my attitude is kind of that if you decide you absolutely must have a big wedding event that is so expensive you feel you have to wheedle people into giving you stuff to offset the cost, then you're not really making a sound financial decision to begin with. We aren't suffering horribly from a financial standpoint, but we can't afford a giant wedding extravaganza, either - though if we could I still just don't see us spending all our savings on a single party. And it doesn't seem fair to expect other people to help pick up the tab. So we're just going to elope in August and go to New York.

[MobCounty]

Haha,
Gift stories cringe me..

We had the whole spectrum. I had friends give more than 1k, and we had whole families that signed on a $25 vase from the outlet stores. The richest person (my uncle) gave a crappy gift worth $75. My poor sister who made $10 bucks an hour at the time got us a cool gift worth $200.

I was basically pissed if someone did not cover the $50 per plate cost. My wife remembers every single person and every gift they brought. She uses that list to guage what they get in return.

IMO, $150 is the minimum for a gift at a budget wedding. For close family, we go to the $500 range and help out with random expenses.

My father in law is getting remarried. His new wife wants a full tilt wedding with a gown and everything. I too think 2nd weddings should be a few people at the beach or something. I have a feeling I'm gonna get hit for a couple K on his though..

I'd also be pissed at a destination wedding. Making people pay for a vacation that they can't enjoy is plain selfish.. err, unless you pay for everyone to attend, then it's cool.

[Melissa the Accountant]

I'd also be pissed at a destination wedding. Making people pay for a vacation that they can't enjoy is plain selfish.. err, unless you pay for everyone to attend, then it's cool.

Oh, I agree. We have a friend whose girl wants them to have a destination wedding and he explained that if they do that, nobody will show up to it.

By the way, I do give gifts and I am not a complete miser about it. I just hate it when people act like they are extorting gifts from you, especially when you might already be helping them in other ways with the wedding and so on.

[MobCounty]

Aww, you make me feel better for being such a mean, withholding bitch. Everybody else gave suggestions on what kind of gift, how much, etc. etc. but seemed to agree that a gift was in order regardless. They are so much nicer than me. And probably have more friends! I think my attitude is kind of that if you decide you absolutely must have a big wedding event that is so expensive you feel you have to wheedle people into giving you stuff to offset the cost, then you're not really making a sound financial decision to begin with. We aren't suffering horribly from a financial standpoint, but we can't afford a giant wedding extravaganza, either - though if we could I still just don't see us spending all our savings on a single party. And it doesn't seem fair to expect other people to help pick up the tab. So we're just going to elope in August and go to New York.


Hah Melissa, you are exactly the same as my lil'lady and I. Sometimes people just need to be held to a polite and tactful standard.

We were on an tight budget with our wedding. We had a little help, but it was mostly just us.

We had the wedding and reception at the same place so we could save on a limo, and renting a second facility. We also got a facility that looked nice so it did not need a lot of decoration to pull of the look. We got her flowers and bootaneers at the florist, but we bought all the other flowers at farmers market. Center pieces were made from candles and glasses from a wholesaler. She got a great (but reasonably priced) dress by shopping for a loong time. We still offered a full wedding experience, full bar, DJ and dinner and also shaved a couple grand without anyone ever noticing. We still spent a lot.. We could have easily spend 8 grand more by accepting a few more option.

Weddings are out of control now. There is nothing more stupid than to start off a relationship with a mountain of debt due to a wedding someone could not afford.

Even rehersal dinner/parties are getting crazy. The last two I went to were at least a couple grand to pull off. I went to one, that had a comic, face painting for the kids, a cake, and a full dinner, bar and apps.


Oh.. have you ever had anyone bring someone along without telling you? We had assholes with friends show up after they never got back to us, or they said they could not go. All the seats are planned, so what should be a pretty seamless seating turns into a card table in the corner with a bunch of people saying they can't find their seat.

Or even worse, the opposite. We had a goddamn cousin. She is single and we figured she could just hang out with her family. She made a fucking stink about the fact she did not get a +1 for a friend. She hounded my lady for another seat. You gotta pay the caterer in advance, so we paid for her and +1. The cunt never showed up.. That was 10 years ago, and we have never talked to her since.

[Jujubees2]

This is how I feel about this situation.

25 bucks is a pretty cheap gift if you're not going to the wedding.

Remember, the gift you give them is supposed to help them on their journey as a married couple.

I understand that people will be paying to fly out there but you have to remember that the bride and groom are paying sooooo much more than anyone is paying to go out there and stay for the wedding.

For our wedding we just posted our theknot.com website on there which had info on the wedding as well as our registries.

My family and friends are all mostly from NY and the wedding was deep in Jersey so we rented a charter bus to get them there.

One of my bride's maids had moved out to Texas so she had to fly in and had originally had problems with the amount of money she would be spending on a rental car and a hotel.
The way we solved that was we asked her to stay in the city at our place. That way she only had to pay for a hotel the night of the wedding and she wouldn't have to rent a car at all cause all she would have to do to get anywhere is take a subway.

So that took care of that!
However, she did not get us a present (or even a card!). I actually didn't even remember she didn't until now. I would never be mad at her for it cause she came all the way here to be apart of our wedding. (And she introduced us, that's enough of a present!)

So basically, if you're not going to the wedding the least you can do is get them a good present.

By the way, I had family come all the way from the dominican republic and they still got us a puppy!! (a friggin puppy!!!!)

Weddings suck the bride and groom dry, help them out!!

If you made it this far past what I wrote congratulations! Take a nap,lol.

What you're forgetting is that it's the bride and groom's choice to have a big wedding. They can do a simple ceremony and reception if they choose. Because the bride and groom choose to have an expensive reception, it shouldn't force the guests into giving more than they can afford.

[Melissa the Accountant]

Or even worse, the opposite. We had a goddamn cousin. She is single and we figured she could just hang out with her family. She made a fucking stink about the fact she did not get a +1 for a friend. She hounded my lady for another seat. You gotta pay the caterer in advance, so we paid for her and +1. The cunt never showed up.. That was 10 years ago, and we have never talked to her since.

I would be pissed about that, too. I think the general etiquette guidelines are more or less that you're never supposed to do anything that might imply you are more interested in what someone is going to give you or do for you than in simply enjoying their company. So it goes both ways - hosts aren't supposed to act in any way that implies they expect a gift or financial contribution, but guests mustn't act as though they have expectations that the host will cater to them in any way. It seems incredibly inappropriate to me that this lady would have a fit about being allowed to bring a guest. Ugh.

I got teased a lot for reading that Miss Manners book, but I'm telling you, that thing was freaking educational!

[Leticia]

What you're forgetting is that it's the bride and groom's choice to have a big wedding. They can do a simple ceremony and reception if they choose. Because the bride and groom choose to have an expensive reception, it shouldn't force the guests into giving more than they can afford.

It's their wedding!!! So what if they want to have a big one? That's their choice.

$25 is a shitty wedding gift no matter where the wedding is!!!!

You should pay at least for what they are paying to feed you. And if you're not going to the wedding, you're not spending the money to go there anyway, so why be so stingy?

You have to remember that they are not having an expensive to fuck their guests over. They are having it to make their wedding more special.


It is completely selfish to say that them having an expensive wedding is just fucking you over and why should you give them a good gift.

I can't even believe people think this way.

Just because they want to have an expensive wedding doesn't mean they don't deserve a good gift.

[Leticia]

Haha,
Gift stories cringe me..

We had the whole spectrum. I had friends give more than 1k, and we had whole families that signed on a $25 vase from the outlet stores. The richest person (my uncle) gave a crappy gift worth $75. My poor sister who made $10 bucks an hour at the time got us a cool gift worth $200.

I was basically pissed if someone did not cover the $50 per plate cost. My wife remembers every single person and every gift they brought. She uses that list to guage what they get in return.

IMO, $150 is the minimum for a gift at a budget wedding. For close family, we go to the $500 range and help out with random expenses.

My father in law is getting remarried. His new wife wants a full tilt wedding with a gown and everything. I too think 2nd weddings should be a few people at the beach or something. I have a feeling I'm gonna get hit for a couple K on his though..

I'd also be pissed at a destination wedding. Making people pay for a vacation that they can't enjoy is plain selfish.. err, unless you pay for everyone to attend, then it's cool.

I agree about the destination wedding. Although the people who decide not to go, shouldn't be stingy.

When we made our registries we put plenty of super cheap stuff there so that people could mix and match gifts.

Gifts were as little as 6 or 7 bucks but they were things we needed! So when people got us those gifts we were just happy that we had them.

If you're gonna give money, though, you just can't be stingy about it. If you're only planning on giving as little as 25 bucks find something that you really think they'll need (which can be a lot of things for a destination wedding, something that goes with the theme!)

Don't give a friggin 25 dollar check.

[Melissa the Accountant]

If you're gonna give money, though, you just can't be stingy about it. If you're only planning on giving as little as 25 bucks find something that you really think they'll need (which can be a lot of things for a destination wedding, something that goes with the theme!)

Don't give a friggin 25 dollar check.

This is so true. Especially for things like weddings. Maybe for a birthday or Christmas, I am completely happy to get a small gift card from somebody, but the trouble with gift cards and cash is that people know exactly how much it cost. A $25 purchased gift can come across as much more thoughtful and generous, even if its monetary worth is the same. If giving cash, I think it comes across much better to give more than you would have spent on a gift.

[sailor]

I agree about the destination wedding. Although the people who decide not to go, shouldn't be stingy.


i disagree with that. if they're having a destination wedding that you can't afford to go to, why would you give as much as if you'd actually been able to attend the wedding?

[Melissa the Accountant]

i disagree with that. if they're having a destination wedding that you can't afford to go to, why would you give as much as if you'd actually been able to attend the wedding?

I also think closeness to the bridal couple should be taken into account. If I get invited to some huge wedding that I can't make it to, and I'm not really friends with the people, I think it's still OK to just say congratulations and give a card. For people who aren't close friends or family of the couple, I think the gift is optional if you're not attending. The gift kind of serves as a classier admission fee. It's just really, really tacky to actually acknowledge that in any way, whether by the couple acting like they expect guests to help pay for their party, or guests acting demanding about what their contribution will get them.

[Leticia]

i disagree with that. if they're having a destination wedding that you can't afford to go to, why would you give as much as if you'd actually been able to attend the wedding?

I'm definitely not saying give the amount you would have spent going to the wedding. But you HAVE to admit that not going to the wedding and giving a $25 check is being cheap.

Just because you can't afford to fly out somewhere, that doesn't mean you can't get them something nice.

My cousin who lives in Michigan and is in between jobs came by bus cause she couldn't afford a train and gave me $100 buck in cash in a card and apologized for giving so little!!

I was like whaaaat?? That is soo much money to us and it's soo thoughful that not only did she give us that much money, but that she would even apologize thinking it wasn't enough!

It really made us feel like she thought we were worth more and showed us how much she cared.

It's just insulting to send a really cheap check. If you're really that down on money, send a really nice card and say you're a little down on funds but you wish them all the best. Or something like when you get back we'll hang out and have a BBQ or something.

I'm not sayting that because you're not attending you should make up for it by giving more money. I'm saying that you shouldn't be cheap just because you're not gonna be there for the ceremony.

The gifts aren't just about the ceremony, it's for their new lives together. Gifts don't just have to be about money either.

But just giving up and sending them a $25 dollar check is sort of insulting. It's ok for someone's birthday or Christmas but not for a wedding.

If you're only gonna give them $25 bucks, give them a thoughtful gift for that much instead.


(this thread is making me crazy!! lol. Sorry about that!)
:help:

[Leticia]

I also think closeness to the bridal couple should be taken into account. If I get invited to some huge wedding that I can't make it to, and I'm not really friends with the people, I think it's still OK to just say congratulations and give a card. For people who aren't close friends or family of the couple, I think the gift is optional if you're not attending. The gift kind of serves as a classier admission fee. It's just really, really tacky to actually acknowledge that in any way, whether by the couple acting like they expect guests to help pay for their party, or guests acting demanding about what their contribution will get them.

QFT!!

[sailor]

i actually only read the line that i quoted.

[Melissa the Accountant]

(this thread is making me crazy!! lol. Sorry about that!)
:help:
Ha ha, I know! I'm completely hooked on this now. My friends always want to barf any time some kind of etiquette topic comes up, because I always want to hyperanalyze every detail and then submit my opinion on what is "correct". Meanwhile, they have completely moved on and are no longer interested. A lot of etiquette stuff is so situational, and especially when the people involved are close friends or family, sometimes some of the rules can be suspended. It's so case by case that it fascinates me!

[MobCounty]

Don't give a friggin 25 dollar check.

You have hit it on the head Leticia.

I have had very thoughtful gifts given to me that were less than 25 bucks. Just this weekend I got a gift for my bday from a couple where the guy is in between jobs and the wife is stretching to make ends meet. They spent more time thinking about the gift than spending on the gift. They ended up getting something like this off ebay for 15 bucks.

http://www.shopgrannys.com/IMAGES/small%20pics/toy1.jpg

They know I love to mix drinks, and they also know I just built a new home bar. I loved the gift!

[MobCounty]

Ha ha, I know! I'm completely hooked on this now. It's so case by case that it fascinates me!

Okay here is one for you guys that I need help with..



Dear Melissa and Laticia Manners,

My folks get a beach house every year for a week or so. There are three rooms, but there are four families. The odd family has to sleep in the family room on couches.

My folks get a room of course. My lady and I are the oldest, but we don't have kids. My brother and his wife has two kids 10 and 7, my sister her husband has kids 6 and 8.

When I was a kid, the rules were that kids slept in the family room and the bedrooms went to families with new borns, then to married by oldest first, then to single by oldest first.

Now, the rules have changed, the kids are not newborns and my step mom defaults the rooms to the families with kids. My lady and I only get the couch... To make matters worse, the kids wake up shitastically early and start screaming and fighting throughout the house while their hung over parents enjoy a nice rest on a bed in a relatively quiet room.

What should I do?

[sailor]

Okay here is one for you guys that I need help with..



Dear Melissa and Laticia Manners,


What should I do?

you should not misspell miss manners' name.

[MobCounty]

you should not misspell miss manners' name.

...err, sorry Leticia

[Leticia]

Okay here is one for you guys that I need help with..



Dear Melissa and Laticia Manners,

My folks get a beach house every year for a week or so. There are three rooms, but there are four families. The odd family has to sleep in the family room on couches.

My folks get a room of course. My lady and I are the oldest, but we don't have kids. My brother and his wife has two kids 10 and 7, my sister her husband has kids 6 and 8.

When I was a kid, the rules were that kids slept in the family room and the bedrooms went to families with new borns, then to married by oldest first, then to single by oldest first.

Now, the rules have changed, the kids are not newborns and my step mom defaults the rooms to the families with kids. My lady and I only get the couch... To make matters worse, the kids wake up shitastically early and start screaming and fighting throughout the house while their hung over parents enjoy a nice rest on a bed in a relatively quiet room.

What should I do?

Change the locks and keep the only correct keys to the place. And when they pound on the door, start laughing hysterically.

That works for me.

[Jujubees2]

It's their wedding!!! So what if they want to have a big one? That's their choice.

That's my point. But they shouldn't expect the guests to adjust the gift according to the bride and groom's taste on weddings.


You should pay at least for what they are paying to feed you. And if you're not going to the wedding, you're not spending the money to go there anyway, so why be so stingy?

Maybe they should just sell tickets to the reception.

You have to remember that they are not having an expensive to fuck their guests over. They are having it to make their wedding more special.

Wow, so you equate a more expensive wedding is more special? You probably think a guy should spend three months salary on a diamond too.

[angrymissy]

If I was not attending the wedding, and wanted to keep the gift to $25, I would send a small gift from the registry or something in lieu of the $25 check.

[jeffdwright2001]

Okay here is one for you guys that I need help with..



Dear Melissa and Laticia Manners,

My folks get a beach house every year for a week or so. There are three rooms, but there are four families. The odd family has to sleep in the family room on couches.

My folks get a room of course. My lady and I are the oldest, but we don't have kids. My brother and his wife has two kids 10 and 7, my sister her husband has kids 6 and 8.

When I was a kid, the rules were that kids slept in the family room and the bedrooms went to families with new borns, then to married by oldest first, then to single by oldest first.

Now, the rules have changed, the kids are not newborns and my step mom defaults the rooms to the families with kids. My lady and I only get the couch... To make matters worse, the kids wake up shitastically early and start screaming and fighting throughout the house while their hung over parents enjoy a nice rest on a bed in a relatively quiet room.

What should I do?

Are you contributing to the cost of the Beach House? If not, lump it and sleep on the couch. You don't ask someone to loan you $20 and then complain that it's not the new version of the bill. Be glad they are giving you the money.

If you are contributing money to the beach house or are willing to do so, then get involved in the process and see if everyone wants to pony up a little more to get a place with another bedroom or two. If you are willing to adjust location or schedule, you can probably upgrade without a huge difference in price. Although, I've noticed there is typically a bigger jump from a 4 bedroom to a 5 bedroom beach house than there is from a 3 bedroom to a 4 bedroom.

[grlNIN]

Anyone who makes MY wedding preparations/day about them is getting a boot in the face.

How can anyone expect anything of the bride and groom? What's even worse is the implied tone that if a couple are having a huge wedding then it's the guests obligation to make them at least break even, if not walk away with more money than they had before.

I understand you're supposed to give money to "help them out" but to me that seems like something only immediate family members should do, otherwise it's just a fancy way of asking for handouts.

[EddieMoscone]

If you go through what you waste money on on a day to day basis, it's not crazy to think you can scrap together a couple hundred bucks for a friend to help them start their marraige off on the right foot. I'm sure most of the maniacs on here spend $100 minimum when they go out drinking with friends, but then will say the "can't afford" to give that much or more on a wedding gift. If the person getting married is really a friend, you should be able to give up a couple of nights out (or whatever else it is you indulge in) in order to hook them up.

[grlNIN]

I don't know if that was to me or not but i wasn't saying that it's inappropriate to spend what you can afford to spend at/for a wedding.

However, a part of me feels that the gift of money should come from family and gifts from friends should come from a registry. This would also help to avoid the "How much should i give?" question and/or the burden of draining people's pockets.

Money is just a touch and go thing for most people.

[EddieMoscone]

I don't know if that was to me or not but i wasn't saying that it's inappropriate to spend what you can afford to spend at/for a wedding.




No wasn't to you...just a general statement.

RE:Registries

As I said earlier I'm getting married in a few weeks. We are registered at BB&B, put honestly we didn't put much on there. Honestly, we don't have any space in the apartment for more stuff. Sure, I'd love to get a ice cream maker attachement for my mixer or some knick knack cabinet, but I would have no place to put it. Because of that, we only put things on there that would replace items we already have (like a vacuum, portable grill, some kitchen stuff, etc.). So it's sort of a tough situation both ways. I've gone to friends houses after a wedding and seen all the registry items they receive piled in a closet 2 years later, unused. That doesn't seem very productive either.

There probably really is no right answer and we an probable all discuss this from now 'til eternity.

[Tenbatsuzen]

Anyone who makes MY wedding preparations/day about them is getting a boot in the face.

How can anyone expect anything of the bride and groom? What's even worse is the implied tone that if a couple are having a huge wedding then it's the guests obligation to make them at least break even, if not walk away with more money than they had before.

I understand you're supposed to give money to "help them out" but to me that seems like something only immediate family members should do, otherwise it's just a fancy way of asking for handouts.

Well, think of it this way:

How much is it for you go out dinner and dancing for a night? Bar tab, food, and entertainment. Now, instead of paying the venue, you're paying the bride and groom.

[grlNIN]

So basically i am passive aggressively being forced to pay/give a gift to two people who invited me to a party?

[Tenbatsuzen]

So basically i am passive aggressively being forced to pay/give a gift to two people who invited me to a party?

The money comes back to you when you get married. Think of it as your friends holding money for you until you get married.

When I got married, most of my married friends gave the same exact amount (or more) I gave them for their wedding.

[EddieMoscone]

So basically i am passive aggressively being forced to pay/give a gift to two people who invited me to a party?

You can always decline the invitation. If I get invited to a birthday party, I bring a gift. If I get invited to a Christmas party, I bring a gift for the host. Anniversary party, confirmation party, etc.

If the person getting married is truly a close friend of yours or your family, it shouldn't be an issue. If you are not tight like that with the people getting married, they are probably wrong for inviting you and expecting a gift, but at the same time you should probably decline the invitation.

[grlNIN]

I'm not saying i wouldn't give a gift. I've only been to one wedding as an adult and i have given a gift.

I am merely saying that the logistics of it are retarded.

[MobCounty]

Are you contributing to the cost of the Beach House? If not, lump it and sleep on the couch. You don't ask someone to loan you $20 and then complain that it's not the new version of the bill. Be glad they are giving you the money.

Damn, thats what I was afraid of.

I started bringing my 5er to help out, but it sucked to be off site when the party started. I guess it's time to pony up. The house they get is the same house the got for 40 years. There is no moving the family. So that only leaves me the option of becoming the controlling partner through paying ...and it's not that great of a time.

[Justice4all]

Hah Melissa, you are exactly the same as my lil'lady and I. Sometimes people just need to be held to a polite and tactful standard.

We were on an tight budget with our wedding. We had a little help, but it was mostly just us.

We had the wedding and reception at the same place so we could save on a limo, and renting a second facility. We also got a facility that looked nice so it did not need a lot of decoration to pull of the look. We got her flowers and bootaneers at the florist, but we bought all the other flowers at farmers market. Center pieces were made from candles and glasses from a wholesaler. She got a great (but reasonably priced) dress by shopping for a loong time. We still offered a full wedding experience, full bar, DJ and dinner and also shaved a couple grand without anyone ever noticing. We still spent a lot.. We could have easily spend 8 grand more by accepting a few more option.

Weddings are out of control now. There is nothing more stupid than to start off a relationship with a mountain of debt due to a wedding someone could not afford.

Even rehersal dinner/parties are getting crazy. The last two I went to were at least a couple grand to pull off. I went to one, that had a comic, face painting for the kids, a cake, and a full dinner, bar and apps.


Oh.. have you ever had anyone bring someone along without telling you? We had assholes with friends show up after they never got back to us, or they said they could not go. All the seats are planned, so what should be a pretty seamless seating turns into a card table in the corner with a bunch of people saying they can't find their seat.

Or even worse, the opposite. We had a goddamn cousin. She is single and we figured she could just hang out with her family. She made a fucking stink about the fact she did not get a +1 for a friend. She hounded my lady for another seat. You gotta pay the caterer in advance, so we paid for her and +1. The cunt never showed up.. That was 10 years ago, and we have never talked to her since.


MC it sounded like you tried to do it within means and also keep it to a nice memorable evening. Smart going.


Yea and obviously I know how you feel about your cousin.
How old was she? It sounded like she was like 20 or 21. Old enough to bring a friend, young enough to throw a temper tantrum.

[Sinestro]

One of my friends is getting married this weekend or next. The wedding is being held in another country. On the wedding invites, it says something to the effect "Your presense is the more valuable gift you can give but if you can't come, money would be fine" or something like that but written more eloquently.


I'm not going to the wedding or the reception cuz obviously it's in another country. Am I still obligated to give a gift? And if it's money how much? My friend said that she may give $25 if even that or no gift at all.


And one of our other friends, who committed to being in the wedding party as originally he was told that he only had to put out money for the plane fare as the accomadations and stuff was supposed to be taken care of by the groom, is going spending all that money for this event (plane fare, hotel, etc.) as the groom was going to charge him for staying in his aunt's house (our friend decided to look for his own lodging). Are they obligated to give a gift too? Remember what the invite said.



I forgot to mention in my original post that my friend and his fiancee are already married as they did a civil cermony 1-2 months ago (that they did not tell anyone about or invite anyone too). The only reason I know is that the friend that is in the wedding party let it slip out awhile back prior to the bachelor party.

[Justice4all]

I forgot to mention in my original post that my friend and his fiancee are already married as they did a civil cermony 1-2 months ago (that they did not tell anyone about or invite anyone too). The only reason I know is that the friend that is in the wedding party let it slip out awhile back prior to the bachelor party.

So what you're saying is, your friend already had the cerimony and now just wants the party and the gifts?

That sounds too strange to me. Or Selfish.

[Leticia]

That's my point. But they shouldn't expect the guests to adjust the gift according to the bride and groom's taste on weddings.




Maybe they should just sell tickets to the reception.



Wow, so you equate a more expensive wedding is more special? You probably think a guy should spend three months salary on a diamond too.

Whoa. I just checked this thread and saw this post.

First I am most definitely not saying that all expensive wedding are better. I am saying that the bride and groom should have THEIR wedding any way they want it.

Secondly, about the paying as much as your meal is the actual etiquette. I also however said that if you weren't going to give anywhere near that much, to settle on a thoughtful gift. Something thoughtful can cost as little as $5. I know because I've appreciated those gifts a lot.

Third, how insulting! For you to assume that I love expensive things. I didn't even want a ring! I proposed to him! lol. And his mother gave me her mother's ring, which was the most wonderful thing.

We actually had a talk about not getting a ring. There are so many more important things to spend money on.

Our wedding was small, but it was still expensive. And I never held it against anybody when they couldn't afford presents. I love them and loved their presence at the wedding.

I was just giving my honest opinion. The bottom line of what I was trying to say is if you can't afford a gift more than 25 bucks, then be creative. Don't just give a check.

That was my point.

I can't believe that you would use my post as a way to insult me.

[TeeBone]

Whoa. I can't believe that you would use my post as a way to insult me.
I can't believe you are insulted by that. Your view of a wedding is a good one. Your, 'who gives a fuck' attitude about the whole thing is the way it should be.

[Leticia]

I can't believe you are insulted by that. Your view of a wedding is a good one. Your, 'who gives a fuck' attitude about the whole thing is the way it should be.

Thanx.

:wub:

[Kris10]

From my angle, I am hoping that most guests cover the cost of their plate. I've usually given $200 if I went to the wedding solo, $300 if I brought a date. In most cases I believe that more than covered the plate, and even helped them cut into the cost of flowers, dj, official, limos, photographer, etc., etc.

If I ever get married again, I'm inviting you. Your a very thoughtful guest.

I got married by the JOP, no ceremony at any point afterwards ever... if I ever get married again, I'm going to do it the opposite of my first marriage.

It depends on whether or not I'm in the wedding party... if I'm in it than I go all out on the parties and gifts. The bridal shower I can easily drop a few hundred on gifts alone not to mention the bachelorette party on stupid shit. I don't even take into account my expenses for the dress, hair, makeup, travel, hotel... thats all part of being a good friend and being expected.

As for being a guest, it depends on my relationship to the couple, the location of the reception, and how much I think they spent overall for the big deal. I really try and help them out.. I don't like to see them shorted!

[Arienette]

my deal with wedding gifts is generally to give money if i attend, and send a gift off the registry if i don't.

however, the fact that they gave this message on their invitation complicates things and is troubling. i find it obnoxious that they're asking for money. even though i think everyone should give cash for a wedding gift, and it is what i would prefer to receive as a wedding gift, i would never actually put that on the invite. that all said, i agree with the others who thought that you should give whatever you feel is appropriate. they can have their opinion about what they would like, but it's your gift to give.

[Leticia]

my deal with wedding gifts is generally to give money if i attend, and send a gift off the registry if i don't.

however, the fact that they gave this message on their invitation complicates things and is troubling. i find it obnoxious that they're asking for money. even though i think everyone should give cash for a wedding gift, and it is what i would prefer to receive as a wedding gift, i would never actually put that on the invite. that all said, i agree with the others who thought that you should give whatever you feel is appropriate. they can have their opinion about what they would like, but it's your gift to give.

I do agree that they should not have put the cash comment on the card.