You ever find yourself in an argument with your S.O. that you knew was unavoidable?

[nate1000]

:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash: :wallbash:

Here is the deal:

I am married with two kids. My wife is a stay at home mother. At night she teaches aerobics, which started when her instructor asked her if she's rather be getting paid to do it than paying for the classes she was taking at the time. She now teaches one 50 minute class five nights a week.

Now here is the conflict: I have a work thing tonight, which is going to conflict with her class. Told her about it last month, reminded her about it last week, again three days ago and finally again yesterday. Turns out we cannot find a sitter. Now it has turned into a "Who's job is more important- You don't respect me - My job is just as important as yours" etc... (you get the picture) argument.

Women have a way of turning simple situations into grand statements about your lives. Apparently now I don't respect her, I don't value her, I take her for granted and she's basically being oppressed. I fucking hate this about women. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, not some screeching condemnation of your relationship.

The most frustrating thing is that I could have told you how this was going to play out last month. There was no avoiding it, nothing I could have done to diffuse the situation.

I fucking quit. I am going to go find a brain dead 22 year old blonde and take my frustrations out on her nether regions. See you all when I am divorced.

:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash: :wallbash::wallbash:

[Tall_James]

Buddy, I feel your pain. I have been in your position a bunch of times and it sucks. You did the right thing in giving her plenty of advance warning so you are not in the wrong here. If the shoe was on the other foot imagine the hell you would have to pay.

Work this into a night or two out for yourself with a steak dinner and beers with your boys.

[Freitag]

You knew about this conflict between work and her class. Since her class was the standing item and has been for a long time, it was your responsibility to find a sitter. This wasn't a sudden thing; you thought well enough ahead to remind her that you had a conflict, but you didn't think about getting a sitter? You had about a month lead time.

I'm not flaming you, I'm just trying to help you work through this to see where the problem is. Ultimately, it's not her problem.

[Furtherman]

I agree with Fretag...you give her more than plenty of time about your work event. But that also gave both of you plenty of time to find a sitter.

[nate1000]

You knew about this conflict between work and her class. Since her class was the standing item and has been for a long time, it was your responsibility to find a sitter. This wasn't a sudden thing; you thought well enough ahead to remind her that you had a conflict, but you didn't think about getting a sitter? You had about a month lead time.

I'm not flaming you, I'm just trying to help you work through this to see where the problem is. Ultimately, it's not her problem.

This is the root of the argument.

Sorry, but I think your statement is a bunch of bullshit. To my mind, scheduling babysitters falls squarely under the responsibility of the stay at home mom.

If I have a commitment, I have a fucking commitment. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am not going to worry about a bunch of old broads jumping around in leotards. Maybe she is being oppressed, but until that $65/ week can pay the fucking mortgage, too fucking bad.

That's right, ladies- I'm a fucking keeper. Now bring on the blondes.

[CaptClown]

This is the root of the argument.

Sorry, but I think your statement is a bunch of bullshit. To my mind, scheduling babysitters falls squarely under the responsibility of the stay at home mom.

If I have a commitment, I have a fucking commitment. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am not going to worry about a bunch of old broads jumping around in leotards. Maybe she is being oppressed, but until that $65/ week can pay the fucking mortgage, too fucking bad.

That's right, ladies- I'm a fucking keeper.
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t166/jezuitx/Stills/oh_no_you_didnt.gif
J/K. I agree with you, but you both had time to get a sitter.

[Jujubees2]

This is the root of the argument.

Sorry, but I think your statement is a bunch of bullshit. To my mind, scheduling babysitters falls squarely under the responsibility of the stay at home mom.

If I have a commitment, I have a fucking commitment. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am not going to worry about a bunch of old broads jumping around in leotards. Maybe she is being oppressed, but until that $65/ week can pay the fucking mortgage, too fucking bad.

That's right, ladies- I'm a fucking keeper. Now bring on the blondes.

I disagree. Finding a babysitter should be both of your responsibilities (though I usually end up finding one when my wife and I go out).

[Furtherman]

To my mind, scheduling babysitters falls squarely under the responsibility of the stay at home mom.

Well then you had a month to ask the question, "Did you get a sitter yet for that night?"

[Freitag]

Well then you had a month to ask the question, "Did you get a sitter yet for that night?"

See above. That's the real root. You reminded her that you had a work thing, but did you remind her you needed a sitter?

I can see his POV that getting the sitter is the mom's responsibility, but it's HIS responsibility to make sure that "the shift is covered".

This argument wasn't unavoidable. Being married means shared responsibility. Sometimes it's a 50/50 share, sometimes it's an 80/20 share. In this case, making sure that evening was covered was 80% your responsibility. Your wife can't do everything.

[JPMNICK]

i agree that she needed to find the baby sitter. i also agree that your work function is way more important then her class that she has to teach. if she is the one that always finds the baby sitter as has the relationship with one, she is the one who needs to call.

on the other hand, you def need to make her feel like her job is important. i guess to her it is really important for her to have it, and she feels like she going to be letting people down if she does not show up.

either way, you pay the mortgage and the bills, but she provides an important function by staying home with the kids, which in turns saves a lot of money and is good for the kids.

if i were you, i would spend an hour today calling in a favor to anyone possible to watch the kids so you wife can go do her thing

[nate1000]

Well then you had a month to ask the question, "Did you get a sitter yet for that night?"

You reminded her that you had a work thing, but did you remind her you needed a sitter?

To my mind, reminding her of the work event is equivalent to reminding her to get a babysitter.

And believe me, Nick, I understand the value she brings to the table by staying home with the kids. This isn't about that. It is about the one hour a day job fucking with my work responsibilities and generally screwing with my home life.

That, and the couch makes me cranky. Which is why I am bitching at all of you instead of picking up the phone and cementing my place on the couch for the rest of the week.

[grlNIN]

This is the root of the argument.

Sorry, but I think your statement is a bunch of bullshit. To my mind, scheduling babysitters falls squarely under the responsibility of the stay at home mom.

If I have a commitment, I have a fucking commitment. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am not going to worry about a bunch of old broads jumping around in leotards. Maybe she is being oppressed, but until that $65/ week can pay the fucking mortgage, too fucking bad.

That's right, ladies- I'm a fucking keeper. Now bring on the blondes.

Why is it solely her responsibility to find a babysitter? Just because she is a stay at home mom-which, she really even isn't because from what you have said she DOES have a job and she works 5 nights a week on top of staying home with your kids. The kids are both yours and this was even more so your responsibility with them because from what it sounds like, you're watching them at night during the week while she is at her job.

You're demeaning her position in the household by making yourself out to be the one with more important things to do, specifically focusing on your job and giving an attitude towards the situation you invariably placed her in.

If she works a schedule that is consistent and has been for at least the month you've known about the other plans then you dropped the ball in your own court.

[Furtherman]

To my mind, reminding her of the work event is equivalent to reminding her to get a babysitter.

That's the second time you've said "To my mind". You have to let that go. There are two minds in a marriage.

This is a deeper problem than just a conflicting schedule, especially when you can predict a problem a month away.

[duderino]

Your wife's job is the stay at home part- the aerobics is her hobby that she now doesn't have to pay for. Finding a sitter falls under her 'job' requirement. Your job is to pay the bills that allow her to stay home, nurture the kids, and enjoy her hobbies.

[nate1000]

It is not a job. It is an exercise routine.

[Freitag]

It is not a job. It is an exercise routine.

It's a position of responsibility that gives her a measure of self-worth. Your constant demeaning of it makes me think that you consider her to be less of a partner and more of an indentured servant.

[Furtherman]

It is not a job. It is an exercise routine.

She's getting paid isn't she? Job. You should make that part of your mind too.

[nate1000]

This is a deeper problem than just a conflicting schedule, especially when you can predict a problem a month away.

Ugh. Seriously? See my first post. This is not a screeching indictment of my marriage. It is a scheduling conflict.

There is no deeper problem. The solution is: I'll give her $65/week so I don't have to deal with this bullshit.

:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash: :wallbash:

[Sinestro]

I agree with you 100%. You're wife is in the wrong. Fuck that bitch. Tell her to take care of your babies.




and find a nice comfortable place on the sofa for yourself.

[nate1000]

It's a position of responsibility that gives her a measure of self-worth. Your constant demeaning of it makes me think that you consider her to be less of a partner and more of an indentured servant.

Bullshit. My two beautiful children give her a measure of self-worth, not a bunch of yentas hopping around in tights.

[nate1000]

I agree with you 100%. You're wife is in the wrong. Fuck that bitch. Tell her to take care of your babies.




and find a nice comfortable place on the sofa for yourself.

:lol::lol:

[Furtherman]

Ugh. Seriously? See my first post. This is not a screeching indictment of my marriage. It is a scheduling conflict.

There is no deeper problem. The solution is: I'll give her $65/week so I don't have to deal with this bullshit.

:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash: :wallbash:

I doubt it's the money. She's a stay at home mom... I don't know how old your kids are but after a while they get bored. She's doing something with her life. It may not mean much to you but to her it's a lot. Life isn't just all kids. It's kids plus the rest that makes her happy. What would happen if she ever wanted to go back to work full time?

You saw this scheduling conflict coming. I'm just saying you could have done something about it without letting it all fall to her responsibility.

[grlNIN]

Bullshit. My two beautiful children give her a measure of self-worth, not a bunch of yentas hopping around in tights.

Children don't magically give you self worth.

I don't care what forum this is in, you're an asshole.

[Freitag]

Children don't magically give you self worth.

I don't care what forum this is in, you're an asshole.

I'm inclined to agree - most people have given levelheaded advice and Nate has fought back with demeaning comments towards his wife and complete disagreements with people who are also in relationships.

Vote to move to Off-Topic.

[nate1000]

Ok, then. Can someone please point me to the .net sofa?

[SinA]

Dear Walbash,
Can the kids play quietly in the back of the room where your wife teaches the class? It's only an hour, right? Maybe it would be fun for them to see their mom working.

[MobCounty]

Sound like you wanted a good fight. It also sounds like you will go to the mat and hurt your lady's feelings to prove yourself right. You even admit you saw this coming. Thats a concious decision to stand in front of the wreck, even with a months notice, just to prove your point.

A lot of people do this, as Ron would say, it don't make them a bad person. I suspect it would make for an exciting few days of yelling, with a great 'make up' in the end :drunk:.

[Piuki]

Ugh. Seriously? See my first post. This is not a screeching indictment of my marriage. It is a scheduling conflict.

There is no deeper problem. The solution is: I'll give her $65/week so I don't have to deal with this bullshit.

:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash: :wallbash:

Your initial solution of finding yourself a 22 y/o blonde (which you mentioned twice) would seem to indicate otherwise.

Children don't magically give you self worth.

I don't care what forum this is in, you're an asshole.

QFT.

The best part about this thread, is somewhere Beer Bandit is basking in the knowledge that flawed as he is, there is a douche-ier husband out there than he. I am a lucky woman when all is said and done.

[Freitag]

There's always ashley madison...

[joethebartender]

Can she make a call to the bullpen for another instructor to teach her class for the night? (nevermind the sitter):unsure:

[zathrus]

WHAT THE F!!! In case you men forgot. The last time I checked, it took both of you to create kids, so finding a babysitter is both of your problems. If you men want us women to take full care of the kids, (IE. sitters when needed, dr's appts, school work and the 100,000,001 things that go along with raising kids) then I suggest you get off your collective asses and start doing the house work, cooking, laundry. It's not the 1950's after all. I'm not saying that all men are like this, but from what I'm reading it appears that most on this board are or do not have the balls to disagree with another guy. Heaven forbid that it appears that a male actually is in a equal relationship and is man enough to help out with the house work & kids. Right now, i'm home on maternity leave and have the greatest respect for stay at home moms & dads. And I thank my lucky stars every day that I have a husband that works 8 hrs and has a total of 2-3 hours of commuting to and from work (if he's lucky). And still helps out with the house work & kids. Nate, you knew about the conflict as long as your wife did. You could have found a sitter as easily as she could. have you stayed home and took care of kids all day, day in & day out? Dealing with their every need, want and trying to keep them entertained and clean the house, cook dinner. :furious:

[Furtherman]

I'm not saying that all men are like this, but from what I'm reading it appears that most on this board are or do not have the balls to disagree with another guy

Before you lump us all into "most men", I assure you that there are guys here that would not incur your wrath with our level headed and fair responses.

[zathrus]

furtherman
i did say that all men are not like this. I'm glad to hear that there are men that are not like this, but sometimes it seems that they are few and far between.

[Tenbatsuzen]

[gossip voice] It appears that Zathrus has gone... postal... [/gossip voice]

[zathrus]

Ten.
I'm hurt. I haven't gone postal.No one's dead. I'm just hormonal and sick of men not helping out when it comes to house work & taking care of kids.

[GvacMobile]

Men are insensitive jerks!

[nukinfuts]

:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash: :wallbash:

Here is the deal:

I am married with two kids. My wife is a stay at home mother. At night she teaches aerobics, which started when her instructor asked her if she's rather be getting paid to do it than paying for the classes she was taking at the time. She now teaches one 50 minute class five nights a week.

Now here is the conflict: I have a work thing tonight, which is going to conflict with her class. Told her about it last month, reminded her about it last week, again three days ago and finally again yesterday. Turns out we cannot find a sitter. Now it has turned into a "Who's job is more important- You don't respect me - My job is just as important as yours" etc... (you get the picture) argument.

Women have a way of turning simple situations into grand statements about your lives. Apparently now I don't respect her, I don't value her, I take her for granted and she's basically being oppressed. I fucking hate this about women. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, not some screeching condemnation of your relationship.

The most frustrating thing is that I could have told you how this was going to play out last month. There was no avoiding it, nothing I could have done to diffuse the situation.

I fucking quit. I am going to go find a brain dead 22 year old blonde and take my frustrations out on her nether regions. See you all when I am divorced.

:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash: :wallbash::wallbash:

Okay holy crap! I am a woman with a career and children and I am going to take your side on this except for the brain dead 22 year old blonde because she will probably end up taking a class from your wife and dropping the news on how she's doin some guy who's wife is an aerobics instructor and then instead of your wife getting half in the divorce she will take everything that's just how we women operate...we are waiting for you to screw up. It is obvious that her job is more of a hobby and your job is probably what pays for her to be able to stay at home unless the aerobics field is more lucrative than I thought. It's not even a logical argument but as a woman I can tell you that we defy logic in our thinking at times so putting the "my career is just as important career" spin on it is definately one of those statements to make you as the man feel bad and also make you think you are an awful person. My take on it...which I may have to turn in my boobs for saying this..is that unless she is contributing 1/2 to the family income (none of this if I were getting paid for being a stay at home mom crap) then you are right about being upset and she is wrong. And I say that because JP Morgan Chase does not take "stay at home mom" bucks as payment of a mortgage.

[RADIO-SHARK]

next time, say you have to work at nite,have a 22 yr old blonde already lined up to babysit , send your wife off to her class, ditch the job and when the kids are asleep get to work on the chick. problem solved.:smile:

[Tenbatsuzen]

Ten.
I'm hurt. I haven't gone postal.No one's dead. I'm just hormonal and sick of men not helping out when it comes to house work & taking care of kids.

I understand. If it makes you feel better, Liz and I split up chores, taking out the trash, cleaning the dishes.

[Kris10]

It explained so much when I saw you were in Buffalo. Your event, your job to set up the sitter. Asshole.

[SinA]

There's no reasoning with chicks.

[Leticia]

Honestly,

All I can say is that when you found out you had a commitment, your first choice should have been to tell her you're going to get a sitter fot that night. If you're the one who can't be home when you're usually with the kids at that time, then you have to make the arrangerments and let her know about it.

Now if you didn't have the time to find a babysitter, then you should have asked for her to find one for you.

I think the mistake was asking her to give up her job that day for yours. I'm pretty sure that's the way she saw it.

You guys could have talked about it using only what's important. Who's gonna take care of the kids that day!

At the end of the day, It has nothing to do with who has what job.

I know what you meant to tell her, but you went about it wrong is what I think.

[Reephdweller]

If it makes you feel better, Liz and I split up chores, taking out the trash, cleaning the dishes.


So you do both then?

:lol:

[Reephdweller]

I just want to add that I think Nate1k is totally wrong on this one. I agree with others who said that marriage is a shared responsibility and to take the assumption that because she is the woman she must find the sitter is bullshit. Since the additional hours of work from your job affected your hours watching the kids you should have at least taken the lead in finding a sitter. You should both have communicated with each other about it long before now, but mostly it is you that should have worked to get this resolved.

Your attitude about it is completely demeaning to the importance of what she does. You may feel it is just an exercise class but it is clearly far more important than that for her and you should appreciate that it is that for her by taking the initiative to remedy the problem. Instead you come off sounding an arrogant and insensitive prick.

I also have to give props to Radio Shark for this...

next time, say you have to work at nite,have a 22 yr old blonde already lined up to babysit , send your wife off to her class, ditch the job and when the kids are asleep get to work on the chick. problem solved.:smile:

BRAVO!! :clap::clap:

[SinA]

i know it doesn't really matter, but...

are you the one who usually arranges babysitters? if so, and you didn't get the sitter, then you were setting yourself up for the faildozer.

[angrymissy]

It shouldn't matter how much she is getting paid for her aerobics class, it's probably the one time a day she gets to have "adult" time and feel like something other than a slave to the house and children.

With all the energy you put into TELLING her you'd have a conflict that day, you could have simply scheduled a sitter.

[angrymissy]

My take on it...which I may have to turn in my boobs for saying this..is that unless she is contributing 1/2 to the family income (none of this if I were getting paid for being a stay at home mom crap) then you are right about being upset and she is wrong. And I say that because JP Morgan Chase does not take "stay at home mom" bucks as payment of a mortgage.

OK, so how much would they be paying for a daycare if she was working? How much would they be paying in prepared meals instead of someone cooking them each day? How much would they pay someone to clean and do laundry? That shit all adds up.

He doesn't get to boss her around like a paid servant because she is at home taking care of the house and kids. She probably prays for her freaking 50 minutes a day that she doesn't have to be in that house.

[LaBoob]

You are both wrong about the babysitter thing...when 2 people are living together and something needs to get done, and neither party is doing it, each thinking it's the other ones' responsibility, nothing gets done. It's being passive aggressive... and the easier, less-stressful, more effective approach really would be open and honest communication. Or just be the bigger person and get it done yourself.
That way it never gets to the point where your wife is turning small problems like a scheduling conflict into bigger ones like how you don't respect her job... Which is being manipulative.

[grlNIN]

You are both wrong about the babysitter thing...when 2 people are living together and something needs to get done, and neither party is doing it, each thinking it's the other ones' responsibility, nothing gets done. It's being passive aggressive... and the easier, less-stressful, more effective approach really would be open and honest communication. Or just be the bigger person and get it done yourself.
That way it never gets to the point where your wife is turning small problems like a scheduling conflict into bigger ones like how you don't respect her job... Which is being manipulative.

If you're living with an S.O. that, even after fatherhood can't handle basic responsibilities that come with his life choices then it goes beyond being the one to have to constantly set things in order and you basically take on an extra child.


After you've lived with an S.O. for a serious amount of time and you start following the "He won't do it so i might as well do it just so it gets done." rule you'll be doing nothing to help that other person undertake the responsibilities that they should be, both in terms of your relationship but also their life.

By constantly being the one to get things done in order to avoid passive-aggressive situations and because you are worried that they wont get done otherwise, you're sending the message to your S.O. that "this is OK". That you are more than willing to be the one to constantly have schedules,events, etc in order and if that's the case than fine but if it's not it will only open up a breeding ground of resentment and even MORE passive-aggressive behavior in your relationship.

[paracetamol flanders]

Dear hayseed sexist pig;

By stating that you knew in advance that an argument would ensue, you have admitted to going into the situation believing yourself already in the right. That is deeply wrong and does speak to the strength of your overall relationship. There will be future respect issues because you really do not respect your wife. You may think you do, but you do not. And though the both of you may be trapped by the cetrifugal force of a mutual disrespect spiral, you've definitely couched your argumant in such a way as to put the spin in your favour. I smell a sense of entitlement in the woodpile.

If your grand, omniscient highness was so aware of an impending battle because of the construct of your relationship, then why did you not take on the chivalrous mantle of ensuring a babysitter yourself? Then there would have been no conflict and no worries on your part. Happy kids. Happy wife. Happy you. All for the cost of a few phone calls and whatever outrageous prices 16 year olds charge to secretly smoke pot with your kids while you are away. Oh sure, it's the principle of the thing. I'm sure wife is thinking the same thing. Be pro-active. Some disasters can be averted with a little brain-power (Not all, of course. AFTER ALL, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WOMEN...am I right guys...yeah...high fives...wooo...hey, how about some high fives...or low fives...where did everyone go?...hello?!) I hope your line of work does not involve problem solving because that seems to be a skill you lack...UNTIL NOW, because we all know that real change can only come after posting your problems to a public message board of people obsessed with a radio show. Well done sir. Well done.

[JPMNICK]

If you're living with an S.O. that, even after fatherhood can't handle basic responsibilities that come with his life choices then it goes beyond being the one to have to constantly set things in order and you basically take on an extra child.


After you've lived with an S.O. for a serious amount of time and you start following the "He won't do it so i might as well do it just so it gets done." rule you'll be doing nothing to help that other person undertake the responsibilities that they should be, both in terms of your relationship but also their life.

By constantly being the one to get things done in order to avoid passive-aggressive situations and because you are worried that they wont get done otherwise, you're sending the message to your S.O. that "this is OK". That you are more than willing to be the one to constantly have schedules,events, etc in order and if that's the case than fine but if it's not it will only open up a breeding ground of resentment and even MORE passive-aggressive behavior in your relationship.

i have to agree 100% on pretty much everything you have stated here. babying someone by doing everything for them breeds resentment on your part and complacency on the part of the other.