How do I help my Dad deal with my Mom's death?

[CardiffGiant]

So my mom died very unexpectedly this past February. I've got 3 older siblings 2 of whom I see regularly and we all live pretty close to my Dad so we've spent alot of time together of late. The first few weeks after my Mom died my Dad was doing well, he had moments of crying and sadness but he regained his composure and kept it together. I was the same way I had a few breakdowns but eventually got to the point where I accepted it and knew that my Mom would not want me to be living my late 20's being a depressed SOB over her death. Fast forward to June and it seems like my Dad is not doing good with it. Last Sunday I went over to help with some yard work before my brother and sister in law got there, and he mentioned he had started drinking at 11:30 (on a Sunday) and he was a miserable wreck pretty much all day.
My Dad has always liked the sauce but has usually kept it under control. I can understand where he's coming from because there were a few times shortly after my mom's death where I thought I wanted to just get loaded but I realized that drinking would just make my sadness worse and that I wanted to save being drunk for fun times. My Dad has apparently talked to a grief counselor but I'm not sure it did much good. I'm supposed to go over there tomorrow to help him put in the air conditioners and my brothers won't be there so I'm a little worried about how he's going to be especially as tomorrow is my parents wedding anniversary. I understand he should be a sad and depressed, but the feeling I've got from him lately is that he thinks there's nothing left for him to look forward to in his life which I know is total BS as he has a brother and 4 kids and 2 grandkids.

I can understand where he's coming from as all of us were there at some point but after 4 months, my siblings and I just want to avoid the house we grew up in like the plague because he seems to be much better when at one of our houses. When we go there it's like there's a black cloud hanging over the house we grew up in which is a bit disturbing in its own right.

I don't want to be cruel, but I basically want to tell him that drinking isn't going to help his grief and that he needs to learn to accept what something that is out of our control. I think I'm going to suggest cutting back on the sauce and seeing the counselor regularly for a few months.

Have any of you ever had a situation like this? Any advice for how to handle this? Like I said before, I was definitely sad for a while and to an extent still am but I know my Mom wouldn't want me to live my life with a black cloud over my head so I'm hoping to make sure I can help my Dad avoid the same.

[Gvac]

I don't want to be cruel, but I basically want to tell him that drinking isn't going to help his grief and that he needs to learn to accept what something that is out of our control. I think I'm going to suggest cutting back on the sauce and seeing the counselor regularly for a few months.

You're not being cruel at all, CG. You'd be helping your father (and everyone else in the family) enormously if you could get those points across to him and make him understand and accept them. It's obvious that drinking never solved anything, and I think pointing out to him that his kids and grandkids still need him would give him back a sense of self worth. Counseling also sounds like an excellent idea.

My grandparents were married for 63 years and my grandfather's been lost ever since my grandmother died 5 years ago. The first thing he did was move because the house reminded him of her so much, and while it helped him a little bit, he's still never fully recovered and probably never will.

You and your siblings also have to accept that your dad is forever going to be a changed man, but that doesn't mean it has to be all negative.

Best of luck, and I'm sorry for the loss of your mother and all you've had to deal with as a result.

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

Gvac NAILED it.

If you approach your father with concern, instead of criticism, I'm sure he'll accept your help.

Losing a spouse is a number one stress factor. He needs to mourn but drinking isn't the answer. Look up some grief counselors or groups your dad can go to. Make sure he knows he's not alone in this.

[earthbrown]

alcohol is not the answer, but if my wife died, I would never stop drinking...


With your age, I am assuming your father is somewhere near 60, and this death has undoubtedly been a realization of his own mortality.

He can be helped along, but he has to find his bottom, you talking to him like he is a child will push him away...

My suggestion is to spend time with him if he is handy around the house have him help you with things, your siblings should do the same....

Make him realize he is a needed member of the family, that all you can do.

He may never get better, but would you have him to have acted like nothing happened?


K

[A.J.]

You're not being cruel at all, CG. You'd be helping your father (and everyone else in the family) enormously if you could get those points across to him and make him understand and accept them. It's obvious that drinking never solved anything, and I think pointing out to him that his kids and grandkids still need him would give him back a sense of self worth.

If you approach your father with concern, instead of criticism, I'm sure he'll accept your help.

Ditto to everything above.

I would add that perhaps some humor might help. My grandparents were married almost 60 years and after my grandfather died my grandmother did alright. But not having him around the house anymore was hard for her to adjust to so I would kid her and say things like "why don't you go out and cruise for widowers at the senior center? Gramps wouldn't mind. I'll drive!"

She knew I was in no way being disrespectful to my grandfather's memory, but that I was showing her that she had to go on with her life and that she still had a family that loved and needed her. Every weekend I call her I ask her if she's taking care of herself reminding her of the very same thing.

You mentioned that you folks' anniversary is tomorrow. That's going to be tough. As is the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. All I can say is be there for your Dad as you're trying to be and remind him that your Mom would not want him to shut down and be upset -- that he has to go on for her and his kids and grandkids. I'm sorry for your loss and good luck.

[niciggy]

hey there-my mom committed suicide when I was 23. OUT OF THE BLUE. We had no idea. My Dad was 49. He had a very hard time at first, not drinking, but he would come home from work at about 7, then work on various "busy projects" until 11 then go to bed. He was crazy, couldn't sit still, couldn't relax, I think he didn't want to think
He talked with a grief counselor who referred him to a working through grief group. These were hand picked men and women who recently had an unexpected loss of a spouse. He liked it so much he kept going for three subsequent sesstions.
He also started regular cognitive behavioral therapy (just like me and Fez!) and that helped him a ton. CBT (cognitive therapy) is much different than just talking. You work things out together, and have homework, and goals, and you can see the progress you are making. It has changed my life. My dad's life. My sister's life.
Once my sister and I were married and moved out (which was another blow) he had to really tackle all his emotions. He went through a hard time where I think he just worked, worked, worked, came home and worked in the house or yard.
My sister started having kids soon after she was married, and I followed behind her. The grandkids have really made my dad focus on something else.
He is remarried now. He tried the dating thing and it wasn't for him. Someone just came along, and she is great. It didn't happen overnight.
This year was 15 years and it still sucks. But it sucks less and less.
Personally from my experience, the best thing you can do is to draw him out with through the grandkids. My nephews are really into race cars, and he takes them to races. He goes to all their little league games (when he can) He thinks up projects and has the boys help him complete them. He goes to their school just to have lunch. etc. and he visits us (12 hr. drive) a few times a year. (He still works part time, which is good, he would be horrible as a retired person...bored I think. He needs to keep busy)
If it helps you at all, I am so much closer to my dad than I ever thought I would be. My girls have a special bond with him also, he loves them.
Hang in there. If you ever want to talk, pm me and I'll definitely listen. I might not have the answers....but I'll listen!

[niciggy]

I forgot to add, that for the first couple of years, I always called my dad on his anniversary, mother's day, father's day, the day of the death, anything where I thought my dad might be having a hard time.
Since an anniversary is usuallly celebrated with some sort of tradition (usually a meal) you might make it a special day and treat your dad out to lunch or dinner, or to something unusual and fun with all the grandkids.
It definitely will help him get through his day PLUS it will give him something else to think about, and maybe look forward to.
Is there anything you and your dad do together? Like fishing? camping? grilling? Nascar? Has he been introduced to GTA4 or something? You might want to start a new tradition that he could look forward to.
Maybe throw in a toast to your mom, or someone gets the "mom" award for largest catch or highest score?
I also send my dad cards on mother's day and father's day because now for me, he fulfills BOTH those roles. What daughter talks to her dad about babies, sex, and her period????
good luck!

[CardiffGiant]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I went over today and we put the air conditioners in. We talked a little bit about it but he kept it together which is good. I mentioned that I think he should go easy on the drinking and he understood where I was coming from. I didn't feel that sense of doom and gloom "I need to get out of here now" feeling like the past few times I've been over so that was good. So hopefully he'll continue to improve.

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

I'm glad to hear that! I hope things improve.

If you ever need advice we are here for you.

Hang tough budday!

[CardiffGiant]

So my brothers and I went over tonight as two of our cousins were in town. My Dad reminisced as is to be expected but he kept it together. I think he's to the point where the rest of us are, we accept what sucks and we can't change but we don't let it bring us down. Thanks everyone for the support. It's great that not only do Ron and Fez kick ass but the listener community is great as well. :)