Problems with my relationship

[Melrapuo]

I have been dating a girl for almost two years now. We were inseparable - every day since we started going out, we have hung out with each other (the exception being maybe a day or two here and there). We did everything - hang out with friends, meet each other's families (her family was in love with me; they are the coolest people on earth, and the best family I could ever ask to have as in-laws) - everything was perfect. But that all changed about 10 days ago.

On June 2nd, my gf texted me saying she wanted to talk to me. She said she couldn't talk about it then (it was 11pm) and that she'd talk tomorrow. She wanted to be alone for the night. I grabbed all my shit and ran outside of her apartment (she had given me keys to go in a while ago, despite the fact that she didn't want me paying rent or anything), but stopped to call my friend. I was freaking out; I'm in love with this girl. I expected to marry her, be with her for the rest of my life. He told me to wait it out and just go home. She said she wanted to be on a break, and I didn't see this coming. I talked to her that night and the next day. A friend of hers, who was just getting out of a relationship of his own, had been hearing all of her problems about things that she was concerned with in our relationship. Apparently she was so angry that I wasn't be close enough to her recently that she was afraid if she told me she would immediately break up with me. And in the process of telling this to her friend, she said she began to feel emotions towards him. He was caring and nice to her, in ways that I hadn't been in months.

I had a drinking problem. I would drink every day. I refused to eat; almost anorexic. I was depressed about a lot of things, and in a way a put a wedge in our relationship. And the more I got into lifting, focusing on weight, and drinking, the worse I seem to get. But that didn't mean I was abusive or anything towards her. I would never hurt her; I'm not that kinda person. I was depressed though. Not with her, but with the way I was acting and living. I didn't like what I was doing, but I kept relaying on things to delay or nullify the pain. She tried to help me out on it, but it wasn't enough. And then this happened.

Anyway, the next day she tried to hang out with Pat and give it a chance with him. This destroyed me. I was awake from 10am Tuesday to 1am Thursday. However, she spent the day with Pat and thought of nothing but how miserable I was. And Wednesday night she said that she wanted to be with me, not the other guy. And then I was happy. Tired, but happy. However, the next morning we woke up and both realized that things still weren't right. She felt bad now for how she was treating the other guy. We talked for four hours, and decided that maybe we should stick to the break. (We were both crying after this).

It's been a week today. In that time I've called her almost every day, gotten about 4 hours of sleep each night on average, and broken up with her (then immediately getting back with her) about five times. I don't know what to do. My family wants me to end it; my friends want me to just wait it out. And all I wanna do is talk to her. I feel I freak out and break up with her so much because I have almost no sleep and I became manic. I have no real friends that are around, I'm waiting for a call to get a job for the summer, and I'm stuck in the house with no car/money. I have stopped drinking, eating normally. But its not enough. I wish she'd make a decision fast, so I can live with myself again. I think I'd be devastated if she doesn't choose me - the other guy is a friend of hers from high school, that she had a crush on for a bit but never did anything with it until now. I feel like my ego is shot too, cuz I lift and everything. She even admits that she doesn't find him that physically attractive.

She is afraid to make a decision. She knows that one of us is going to get hurt. I know that, as well as the other guy. I don't wanna push her into a decision that she doesn't wanna do. And we are still close, despite this whole situation. It's all I can think of, really. Despite all this, I still know that I wanna be with her. Its strange, I know. I wanna give her advice on it; not biased, just some that will help her make her decision. I looked up stuff on whether or not someone can love two people at once. I'm also looking for ways to deal with a break-up. We both know that this is both our faults, we just don't know what to do now.

The last break up was the worst. It happened last night. I didn't wanna get up or move or do anything. My mom and sis told me to just end it, and make it official. If she can't make a decision now, then say I can't wait. So i called her, and we argued for a while. I gave an ultimatum, and that I wanted to see her. So later that night we did. I didn't yell or anything, i just stated things that bothered me. We both still love each other (we still say it to each other, despite this). She just loves him too, I guess. But its 2 years vs 1.5 weeks. I told her I deserve a chance before he does, because of all the things we have done. But she knows if she picks me, he'll leave for good. And vice versa for me.

Anyway, she couldn't decide, and I broke up with her. I walked out and went to leave, but remembered I forgot something. Went back for it, and saw her completely distraught. She was crying as hard as I did on Tuesday night, if not worse. And I couldn't stand seeing her like that. So I took it back. I told her to get angry with me, something. She said I had every right to be mad at her. So we didn't break up. And I explained to her that any of my decisions were being made while I was in an insomniac kinda state, and I haven't been able to think right. We still love each other. We still wanna live together, we enjoy each other's company and see each other as soul mates. But this situation with the other guy happened at just the right time to fuck things up.

What do you think I should do? I'm willing to make concessions, even if that means letting her hang out with this guy to make music (its a dream of hers). My mind is all over the place, and I can't find any way to focus.:glurps:

[midwestjeff]

Almost word for word, replace the lifting with guitar playing/video games, I could have made this post five years ago. Worst shit ever. It sucks, but the healthiest thing for your self is to just let her go. Move on bro, and don't expect to feel good for a while.

[Melrapuo]

How did you recover? What was life like after it ended? I'm hearing all different types of opinions from people. I believe her sincerity when she says she's trying to figure things out but just can't right now. She isn't seeing this guy, aside from still working on the music with him. We've both lost weight cuz of this, but I've slowly gained it back. I want everything to magically resolve itself, but it hasn't so far. I keep trying to be optimistic about everything, but I feel I'm just setting myself up to get her even more. This is such a shitty position to be in.

[Furtherman]

I feel for you. I've been in your situation a few times. Everybody has. You just have to trust me - life goes on. I think deep down you weren't happy either. You have admitted the drinking problem. Everybody wants to help - but to a point. Your drinking was pushing her away, but you did nothing of it. Don't worry about a connection between self esteem and lifting - because a good woman will love you for who you are - not how much you can bench. I'm guessing you are young. You'll be fine.

Ask any woman here - when they say they want a break - that means they want it over. Thinking about why will only drive you nuts. Look at it as an opportunity to start a new, a clean slate, and the next girl will benefit from it.

One day you'll look back and realize, if she didn't want to be with you 100%... then what's the point of a relationship? You'll realize you deserve 100%.

[midwestjeff]

How did you recover? What was life like after it ended?

I froze up emotionally. I left town. I was only there to go to college and after we broke up, I had no reason to be there. I travelled. I started having casual sex with random girls(not a lot, but enough). I got a hooker. I drank a lot. I cried like a schoolgirl. I joined this messageboard. I quit drinking. I slowly rebuilt my vision of my future and now I am where I planned on being five years ago, just without her by my side. I still talk to her through email, but I will never see her again. I know we could get back together but I also know that what we had is gone and there is too much bullshit to try and start fresh.

[Melrapuo]

That's just the thing though. I don't think what we had is gone. Or maybe I'm in denial of that. But I don't want to be. I want all of it back. I'm close with her family. They told me if I wait that eventually everything will work out.

Yea I'm young. First serious relationship. There were a couple of things in the relationship that bothered me, but nothing that seemed threatening to its integrity. I don't want to give her up.

Maybe that's why I freaked out. Because when she went to hang out with him I thought it wasn't a break anymore. And then she went back with me after realizing she didn't wanna be with him. And then vice versa. All I really want is to give the relationship a second chance. Give it a week or so; we can't know how things are going to end up only after half a day of spending time with each other again.

[Melrapuo]

One day you'll look back and realize, if she didn't want to be with you 100%... then what's the point of a relationship? You'll realize you deserve 100%.

This reaction of hers only came after a couple of days of hanging out with this guy. It sounds like this guy manipulated her, found out what she was feeling and promised her the world. I know I deserve more than this; I didn't lift because I knew she would like it, I did because I knew it made me feel better about myself. Grrrrrrrr I wanna punch something so hard right now, yet I know it doesn't solve anything. And I can't just pick up my life and go somewhere. I'm 21 and I'm stuck her, alone. I'm extremely depressed, and I wanna drink and stop eating, but I'm doing the opposite to better myself. I just wanna go to sleep til she decides on her choice. And from there I can figure things out.

[midwestjeff]

Nothing wrong with trying again, it was just never the same in my situation. After six months of trying to fix shit, I just realized it was time to give up. It may work out for you. I gotta punch out now, I have exceeded my sappy love talk for the week. Good luck, and like Furtherman said, whatever happens, you'll be fine.

[Duke]

yo bro, i know exactly how you feel, when i was fighting with my now ex girlfriend, i was sleeping for 2 hours a night, barley eating, and feeling like crap. I couldn't think because I was so tired.

She would go out with her friends have a good time and just leave me at home being miserable.

I dumped her yesterday.


As hard as it is, and as bad as it sounds, try not talking to her for a week or so, this is what I did and it helped me sleep better so I was able to think things out.


It wasn't easy either, this someone who had played a close part in my life for the past year. Try to find a distraction for a while

Good luck man

[Melrapuo]

I don't mind the break so much as I don't have many distractions, which makes this harder. Not drinking + eating to gain weight (two things that are the opposite of what I wanna do), most of my friends are either on vacation or working, family works, I have almost no good hobbies and I'm waiting for a job. We still talk to each other every day - sometimes we even joke around. Its just moments when I get paranoid and freak out that I get upset and worry a lot. And I know she's worried too. She's even said that she's waiting for the other guy to screw something up so she can make her decision easier. We're both indecisive. Its frustrating, but it gives hope as well.

Thanks for all the responses so far. I'm gonna go with my dad to the bank and Lowes. I asked her to call me tonight, and she agreed, despite all the crap that happened last night.

[Duke]

I don't mind the break so much as I don't have many distractions, which makes this harder. Not drinking + eating to gain weight (two things that are the opposite of what I wanna do), most of my friends are either on vacation or working, family works, I have almost no good hobbies and I'm waiting for a job. We still talk to each other every day - sometimes we even joke around. Its just moments when I get paranoid and freak out that I get upset and worry a lot. And I know she's worried too. She's even said that she's waiting for the other guy to screw something up so she can make her decision easier. We're both indecisive. Its frustrating, but it gives hope as well.

Thanks for all the responses so far. I'm gonna go with my dad to the bank and Lowes. I asked her to call me tonight, and she agreed, despite all the crap that happened last night.

I think thats the problem though, the constant talking is adding to the worrying/upset nature. This was true for me anyways. Once I told her I didn't want to talk to her till finals were over I immediately saw a difference in my self. Then she went on a date with another kid. Which upset me, but I knew she had every right too. Then she started saying how she got butterflies in her stomach when she met eye to eye with him. By this point I had enough, between her saying "i am afraid i am going to cheat on you" and here writing "i am secretly obsessed with you" in her xanga (which was in reference to my friend) I had enough and I dumped her.

I told her that she was not the right type of girl for me and I couldn't handle her never knowing what she wanted.

she told me "your right, you can do better then me" :flush:

i also told her I never wanted to talk to her again

[Dougie Brootal]

I think thats the problem though, the constant talking is adding to the worrying/upset nature. This was true for me anyways. Once I told her I didn't want to talk to her till finals were over I immediately saw a difference in my self. Then she went on a date with another kid. Which upset me, but I knew she had every right too. Then she started saying how she got butterflies in her stomach when she met eye to eye with him. By this point I had enough, between her saying "i am afraid i am going to cheat on you" and here writing "i am secretly obsessed with you" in her xanga (which was in reference to my friend) I had enough and I dumped her.

I told her that she was not the right type of girl for me and I couldn't handle her never knowing what she wanted.

she told me "your right, you can do better then me" :flush:

i also told her I never wanted to talk to her again

SSWA!
(that means SO SAY WE ALL for anyone who missed it this morning)

[cozzie]

Matbe this is a good sign, and you should just chalk it up to Life being life.

That being said I'll tell you why. When I was 24, I started dating a 19 year old. I met her right after my mother died, and she helped me get over that "hump". We would hang out all the time just being friends. Ow I did bang her the 1st night (she gave me a sympathy lay) then We didn't sleep together fo r 2 months. Anyways after a year we moved in together, things were cool, then my dad died, and I just needed to be left alone. She understood and we split for a month. a month later we got back together , then 2 years later we got married. Once we got married , everything changed! We used to be the best of friends for 3 years, through the ups and downs. then about a month after being married it all hit a brick wall. And it hit it hard. We got divorced 14 months later. I've gotten from this thread that you are young, walk away for awhile 2-3 months, cry when you have to remember the good times but get away for a while, no calls , nothing. Don't sink in the bottle, or do destructive stuff but get away for a few. I'm 40 years old and I wish I could have read this 12 years ago.

[Melrapuo]

Yea, I should just walk away and try not to talk to her. But there are moments when even she sends me texts every now and then. So I dunno, maybe we both can't stand being away from each other. She called me tonight, I told her I just wanted to know how her day was. She said shitty (cuz of last night I guess), and said she had to clean her appt. She asked if she wanted me to call her back later tonight, and I told her only if she wanted to.

I guess a break means completely cut off communication? I don't think we're seeing other people or anything. She has feelings for this other guy, but she isn't acting on them beyond just hanging out with him. I know more info than I prob. should, but I know they aren't screwing aroudn with each other. I'm friends with her best friend too, who wants her to stay with me. And from what my gf has told her, there isn't anything physically going on between them.

I don't know if I should go and start seeing other people. I know I'm just looking for comfort from someone, and if I try and date someone else it would only be a rebound thing, and I don't wanna use someone else just for that. I guess the best thing I can do is stfu and just let things ride, cuz nothing I have said so far has helped her change her mind. I just had to make her agree to not seeing either myself or the other guy, so she can think clearly and hopefully come to a decision. Ugh...I hope it isn't a matter of months either.

[cozzie]

Yea, I should just walk away and try not to talk to her. But there are moments when even she sends me texts every now and then. So I dunno, maybe we both can't stand being away from each other. She called me tonight, I told her I just wanted to know how her day was. She said shitty (cuz of last night I guess), and said she had to clean her appt. She asked if she wanted me to call her back later tonight, and I told her only if she wanted to.

I guess a break means completely cut off communication? I don't think we're seeing other people or anything. She has feelings for this other guy, but she isn't acting on them beyond just hanging out with him. I know more info than I prob. should, but I know they aren't screwing aroudn with each other. I'm friends with her best friend too, who wants her to stay with me. And from what my gf has told her, there isn't anything physically going on between them.

I don't know if I should go and start seeing other people. I know I'm just looking for comfort from someone, and if I try and date someone else it would only be a rebound thing, and I don't wanna use someone else just for that. I guess the best thing I can do is stfu and just let things ride, cuz nothing I have said so far has helped her change her mind. I just had to make her agree to not seeing either myself or the other guy, so she can think clearly and hopefully come to a decision. Ugh...I hope it isn't a matter of months either.



I read this post 5 times, obviously you to have some strong feelings for each other. Things in your relationship got broken, maybe you two can fix them. But there is no sense trying to fix the problems if all you are going to do is "spackle" over the problem. Yes ending a long relationship hurts and it sucks, but sometimes that's the only solution. When your young you keep trying to fix things , when your old you just say fuck it and move on because you've been down that road. You came here for advice and that's what we are giving you. You on the other hand need to do what "you" want to do, regardless of what we say. It's your life, we're just trying to help you out.

[Dougie Brootal]

brother cozzie speaks the truth melrapuo.

[grlNIN]

Ask any woman here - when they say they want a break - that means they want it over. Thinking about why will only drive you nuts. Look at it as an opportunity to start a new, a clean slate, and the next girl will benefit from it.

Tht is not always true. I have been in very severe arguments with my boyfriend and used the word "break" to either scare him or just in the heat of the moment. Yes, i realize that's kind of shitty leverage but that is human nature.

Everyone is different and i can only tell you what i read this situation as so here goes. While i think that it's completely natural to have these back and forth moments, i feel that they come most often when both parties involved really know it's over at heart. I'm not talking a loud argument and then exiting to cool off but verbally breaking up with one another repeatedly and then taking it back, that just stinks of insecurity, fear of the unknown and starting over and the inevitable heartbreak of loneliness you will face once it's truly over.

I think that while she may be saying that she doesn't know which person to pursue and that could be very legitimate, it just doesn't seem viable that she still feels that you two are "together" while she is basically dating another guy for almost 2 weeks. That's a very clear statement she is making, intentionally or subconsciously. She made her decision the moment she told you she has feelings for this other guy and she is using the guise that you were not emotionally available enough to transfer her own guilt onto you.

I also don't think that your being hunger-starved and sleep-deprived is helping matters because those two things alone, let alone combined cause a lot of anxiety, irritability and confusion. You need to relax, if you can't sleep then maybe take some Nyquil for a night or two because your body seriously needs rest (if you are dealing with drinking problems then maybe try an alternative that isn't alcohol based).

For the moment right now it seems that you both have not given each other the space that you need to decompress, process and come to a final answer. You're up each other's asses with the torment and melodrama that is only paralleled to TV soap operas. The more you push and intrude on each other when you're legitimately trying to think things through, the more you're begging for a outcome that doesn't involve the other. If not due to the sheer annoyance of their presence than because of the resentment that youll build for their unrelenting attitude.

I honestly say that it's over and she is just a stupid girl that wants her cake and to eat it too but if you cannot accept that right now then give her a couple more weeks without any contact and then approach the situation again, after you've come to terms with everything and mellowed out with the insomnia and eating disorder shit.

My friend also told me that once you come up on 2 years in a relationship the couple either "makes it or breaks it". I find some truth in that.

[cozzie]

I honestly say that it's over and she is just a stupid girl that wants her cake and to eat it too


Well said from a member that has boobies.

[Melrapuo]

Well my insomnia is back, despite getting 11 hours of sleep the night before. I don't have a problem falling asleep so much as I do getting back to sleep if I wake up during the night.

I know I need to cut off any contact with her. If I can make it a few days maybe I can make it a week. And then maybe a few more days. Its hard really. I agreed to the break, but I never wanted to do it. And when she agreed to the break, she began to cry, just like I did. It's like we both didn't want this to be happening. I still wanna check in every couple days or so just to see how she's doing; not bring up any of the situation, just see that she's ok. Is that a bad idea too? I just want this situation to be resolved already. But optimistically.

I'm afraid if I break it off I'll regret it. And if I stay in the break just to be told that its over in the end, then I'm gonna feel just as bad. I have a 33% chance of not feeling like shit after this. :glurps:

[grlNIN]

Stop thinking she didn't want to break it off because she was crying, for all you know she could have been relieved and felt tremendous guilt or a weight off of her shoulders.

Females cry at the drop of a hat, that's just what we do.

You're making the situation worse by being so needy and clingy, you seriously need to detach and walk away like a man.

[LaBoob]

My friend also told me that once you come up on 2 years in a relationship the couple either "makes it or breaks it". I find some truth in that.

I've always said this myself... none of my relationships ever made it past 2 years.


The back and forth breakup get back together thing is often just a part of the breakup process. It's really difficult to commit to breaking up with someone, especially if you really care about the person and even more so if they didn't do anything "wrong", it's just not right for one or both people in the relationship.

In the end, sometimes it's simply healthier to walk away.

Maybe you should make a pro-con list? Help organize your thoughts?

[Melrapuo]

You're making the situation worse by being so needy and clingy, you seriously need to detach and walk away like a man.

I realize this now. I'm making everything worse by continuing to just try and talk to her. It's my problem that I have nothing to do while I wait. She has a job, so she can at least get her mind off it by having some sort of routine to get her mind off things. I have to do the same.

Before most of this happened, her dad offered me a job at where he works for the summer. Her family pretty much loves me, and was just as shocked as I was that this happened. I know I'm not going out with them. That's not why I'm bringing that part up. I had asked if they had the number of some of the guys who ran a janitorial position at the public schools in town (the family was close friends with the bosses). They gave me the number, as well as re-offered the jobs at her dad's place of work. Today I called him and pretty much took the job. He said that, hopefully, I can start next week and work during the day, to get myself organized and focus on making myself better.

If I really wanted to work things out with her, I've gotta be willing to sacrifice the ability of talking to her everyday and instead just make sure I'm becoming a better person out of it. Who knows, this might even help me career-wise. I have to be able to step away from it for a bit and let both of us think it over without contacting each other. The more we talk to each other, the more we confuse each other, and that helps nothing.

[grlNIN]

I understand sometimes people have to learn the hard way and i really think that that's what you're setting yourself up for.

You're talking about making a clean break but now you just took a job her Dad gave to you, where you'll be working with or around him? Bad bad bad bad news.

You keep talking but you're not saying anything or listening to yourself.

[Melrapuo]

You're talking about making a clean break but now you just took a job her Dad gave to you, where you'll be working with or around him? Bad bad bad bad news.


She knows that he offered the job to me, and has no problem with it. He even said that there is no problem with me working there, whether or not we stay together.

You keep talking but you're not saying anything or listening to yourself.

This I'll agree with. At this point I love the girlfriend that I was with for two years. I'm not sure if I love the one from the past two weeks. I'm afraid to commit to any choice, really. It's all about if I'll regret breaking it off early or waiting for it now.

I don't have a car, or any friends nearby. Once I break up with her, I'm alone. Maybe that's what I'm more afraid of - being alone, and returning to the shitty life I had before all of this. And I am probably just fooling myself at this point. Everything is just so overwhelming. grlNIN, I appreciate all the info you're giving me. A lot of people told me that no girl is worth this much drama, despite the amount of time you put into the relationship. I guess I just wished that my dream of "first times' a charm" would really come true.

[Melrapuo]

In all honesty, if this ends I'd just feel like dying. I don't want to be overdramatic, but meeting her changed my entire view on my life. I was doing nothing before all of this. No job, took off from school, was on the computer for 15+ hours a day. She showed me that I had a reason to live again. And I'm afraid if she goes so does everything I felt about myself. I feel like that already now. I'm so lost right now, I don't know what to do.

The therapist I wanna see hasn't answered any of my calls, or responded to my messages. My family doesn't want to deal with me anymore cuz I keep bitching (and being a bitch) about this. I hate that I'm an indecisive ass. I'm insecure, I'm not the type of person that can just go out and meet new people. I don't even know where to start. I'm scared right now.

[RAAMONE]

this may seem mean...but i am completly not being a dick...

She has a job and her own place...your were an unemployed depressed drunk staying there rent free...you see where i'm going with this

from what i learned one of the most important things girls want in a man is confidence and security...its great to see you stopped drinking and got a job...maybe now she will see you as the man you were meant to be and not the man that you were in the past, and things will work out

good luck

oh and if things do work out...probably not a good idea to let her still be friends with that guy...after she already made it clear the there is something going on with him, she cant have both, stand up for yourself

[Melrapuo]

this may seem mean...but i am completly not being a dick...

She has a job and her own place...your were an unemployed depressed drunk staying there rent free...you see where i'm going with this

from what i learned one of the most important things girls want in a man is confidence and security...its great to see you stopped drinking and got a job...maybe now she will see you as the man you were meant to be and not the man that you were in the past, and things will work out

good luck

oh and if things do work out...probably not a good idea to let her still be friends with that guy...after she already made it clear the there is something going on with him, she cant have both, stand up for yourself

Yea I figured I gotta just stfu and do shit for myself. And no way in hell is she still gonna be friends with this guy after this, if we get back together. I doubt he'd want to be either. We'll see. TY for the support.

[LaBoob]

In all honesty, if this ends I'd just feel like dying. I don't want to be overdramatic, but meeting her changed my entire view on my life. I was doing nothing before all of this. No job, took off from school, was on the computer for 15+ hours a day. She showed me that I had a reason to live again. And I'm afraid if she goes so does everything I felt about myself. I feel like that already now. I'm so lost right now, I don't know what to do.



Come on!!! The person you're WITH doesn't make you who you ARE, YOU DO!!! If that part of your life changes it doesn't mean you have to change and go back to the person you were. Maybe she doesn't like the fact that you NEED HER to be a better person. That actually would say to me that eventually it wouldn't matter if you were with her or not, you'd revert into those bad ways again anyway. You be the person you want to be for YOU, nobody else. You stand on your own, be your own person, take responsibility for yourself and your own life, and the girls you meet will pick up on that. If you are a needy person that needs someone else to make them happy, girls will sense it and will flee from you - or worse, take advantage of your neediness and control and manipulate you.

Be glad for the changes you managed to make during your relationship with her; positive change is a valuable thing and it sounds like you worked hard to get to a certain place... don't throw it away.

[Melrapuo]

So yea. Last night I get a call from her, and she breaks up with me. Says she didn't wanna hurt me anymore, that it was all her fault, blah blah blah. At this point I'm so angry I don't know what to do with myself. I can't do anything productive at the moment. I absolutely hate this feeling.

[Melrapuo]

Just updating the situation for anyone who cares.

So we've been broken up for about a week or so I guess. Maybe a bit more. I've found out from her friend that she doesn't really want a relationship with this new guy, but wants to stil be friends with him. However, she doesn't know how to break it off and keep the friendship with him. Weird, I know.

My job is working out so far. I feel better about myself. I'm actually laughing at jokes in movies and on tv for the first time in about a month.

I still love her though. From what I've heard she just wants me to wait. She doesn't expect me to, but wants me to try at least. She isn't going for other serious relationships with other guys, just trying to go out and have fun. I've gotten this information from her best friend (who I am friends with her boyfriend), and a few other people. At the same time, I don't know if i should date other people. My initial reasoning to do so would be to see if she gets really jealous and maybe realizes that she wants to be with me (her mom's suggestion from las week), but also to see if maybe I want something else. I know I'm definitely worth it. Just don't know where to begin heh. I never really went out on dates or anything with someone before. My ex and I just kinda started going out.

I think the reason why she didn't straight out tell me that was the reason why she wanted to break up with me was because she had before and I kinda freaked out and over-reacted to it. I don't want to ask her if that's what she wants me to do though, cuz that would show weakness and make me seem like a pussy. My friends are telling me to be a man and just move on. Her friends and family are telling me to just wait and let her get her mind straight. Both of these options are things that I don't want or desire. I've been getting better with the waiting, but I do have freak out moments where I have to calm myself down. I don't mind the idea of dating, but i don't know where to begin and don't want to ruin any possible chances I have getting back with her.

Her best friend told me that either way she is going to regret the decision she made with dating this new guy, if you can call it that. I don't even know what it is, really. The moment she DOES have sex with him I'll find out, and at this point I will completely drop it. Gah...we've talked a few times and it seems like she still loves me, but I don't know how I can be sure. Advice, anyone?

P.S. The only way we get back together is if she comes crawling back. And I'd let her sweat it out for a bit to see if she really wants to stick with her decision. That and so I can think about it myself.

**Edit** forgot to add the part where ive been avoiding starting any conversations with her at all costs. Since we broke up she's texted me a few times to talk about random stuff.

[Mike Teacher]

**Edit** forgot to add the part where ive been avoiding starting any conversations with her at all costs. Since we broke up she's texted me a few times to talk about random stuff.


Yow.

Seeing what forum this is in, I'll just tell you what I'd do at this point. Next time she texted me I'd text back, 'Please do not contact me, call me, text me. I need time by myself.'

One month. Zero communication. Minimum.

[Furtherman]

Her best friend told me that either way she is going to regret the decision she made with dating this new guy, if you can call it that. I don't even know what it is, really. The moment she DOES have sex with him I'll find out, and at this point I will completely drop it. Gah...we've talked a few times and it seems like she still loves me, but I don't know how I can be sure. Advice, anyone?

Her best friend is just saying that to make you feel better, that's why she's her best friend. You will not find out the moment she has sex, whereas it could have been last night.

Drop her. Drop her now and get on with your life. If she's not 100% into you now, she never will.

[Jennitalia]

I agree with Mike the Teacher and Furtherman. Just move on. Don't put your life on hold while you wait for this girl to "figure out what she wants." She's basically keeping you on the back burner for when she's lonely and/or doesnt' have another prospect lined up. The longer you hold on, the more painful this will be for you. Just dont talk to her, and get on with your life.

[Ritalin]

I agree with everybody on this one.

Look at it this way: She has stuck you in the worst possible relationship situation you could be in. How can you trust her from this point on to be a decent partner in a relationship in the future? Because when you're in a good relationship and you're having personal issues (which happens - we're all people - then you work through those issues with your partner. You don't set the whole thing aside to gallivant around while the other person sits and waits.

You deserve better and once the emotion of this episode wears off you'll see that it's true. Cut her off and give yourself some time to cool down. If you want to go out with another chick, do it. If you don't, don't. But don't make that decision based on what you think this chick is going to think.

You'll be fine, and you'll find another chick. I promise.

[Melrapuo]

Yow.

Seeing what forum this is in, I'll just tell you what I'd do at this point. Next time she texted me I'd text back, 'Please do not contact me, call me, text me. I need time by myself.'

One month. Zero communication. Minimum.

Sounds like a plan. And if she tries to text me earlier than that, do I just ignore her?

I am moving on with my life. Got my first check today, going out with friends during the week and weekend. I know I can live without her.

[Furtherman]

And if she tries to text me earlier than that, do I just ignore her?

Yes.

[Melrapuo]

Yes.

So I make her feel like she isn't in control. And it helps me figure out what I want while she tries to figure out what she wants.

BTW Further, I didn't know you lived in Hoboken. I go to school at Stevens : )

[Furtherman]

So I make her feel like she isn't in control. And it helps me figure out what I want while she tries to figure out what she wants.

It's not about having her feeling anything. It's about you. Her indecisiveness isn't worth worrying over, so move on and put her shallow texts behind you and eventually you'll find someone who really will care how you are doing.

Stevens is a good school. Enjoy your time with your friends. Because if you think dating is stressful now... hoooy boy.... stay in school as long as you can!!!

[Melrapuo]

It's not about having her feeling anything. It's about you. Her indecisiveness isn't worth worrying over, so move on and put her shallow texts behind you and eventually you'll find someone who really will care how you are doing.

Stevens is a good school. Enjoy your time with your friends. Because if you think dating is stressful now... hoooy boy.... stay in school as long as you can!!!

Gotcha. Lol I only have a semester left before I graduate. o.O

[Melrapuo]

Well I bit the bullet and decided to ask this girl out for coffee. She's someone who I had a crush on in 6th grade, and it ended when she moved after 8th. She said yes, and thought it would be great to catch up on things. I'm feeling really good right now; I never had the confidence to ask out before (things just kinda fell into place for me). At least now I know I can do it. :clap:

[Melrapuo]

I'm rehashing this just to update everyone on whats been going on with me.

On June 13th, she broke up with me, saying that the feelings she had for another guy were going to be there if we got back together, and things owuld never work out. I freaked for a good couple weeks or so, going from arguments to just having talks with her. Finally I decided enough was enough, and stopped talking to her.

Ten days later she left a comment on one of my photos on myspace. It was random, insignificant, but an attempt to be friendly/joking. Then she IM'ed me online, telling me she was leaving the other guy, because she realized she didn't really love him. We talked for a bit, but then I stopped talking to her again for a few days. She contacted me that Friday (July 18th), saying that she broke it off with him. Then for that weekend she was IM'ing me alot, but at one point she was talking about breaking up with the other guy to "see other peeps." I questioned her about this, and she said she was still confused but figured that she needed to date other people so she doesn't have any regrets. I wasn't happy about this, of course, and told her so. She told me that she has no idea how I've been able to wait so long for her, but that she really appreciated it. At one point she even said she still loved me (though she said she probably shouldn't have said that), and that her feelings haven't really changed for me. However, I wasn't buying that so much. So the next day I was distant with her. Not rude, just distant. Short conversations if any (these were online. I didn't wanna just sign off on her everytime she talked to me.) Then, on Sunday night, I decided to say fuck it and deleted her off my myspace friends list, my facebook, and my AIM. I figured she wasn't making it easy for me to live my life, and her talking to me wasn't helping either.

That night she messaged me on myspace about it, and texted me later than night. I didn't respond to either. Then later that night, right before I signed off, she IM'ed me and asked me how I was feeling. (I was sick, didn't go to work). Told her what I had, left it at that. Then she questioned me about the myspace thing, and I told her that I wanted to remove all of the things from my life that reminded me of her for a while. She didn't respond too fast, but said "oh" and "I guess me talking to you isn't helping that." Didn't respond to it, and she signed off about 10 minutes later.

Her friend texted me the next day, askin how I was doing. I kept it short with her too, cuz I figured she was either acting as a relay to see if she could get anything out of me. Wasn't mean, just kept it short. At this point I felt I was gaining control at least over my own emotions, and showing her that I wasn't having it/wasn't going to be there all the time like she thought I would be.

Later that week one of my friends, however, kinda fucked it up. He confronted her about it on my behalf (which I did NOT want or encourage) and pretty much made her feel like shit. She texted me late that night saying that one of "my" friends made her feel like a complete jerk and a douche. I didn't really understand why she was telling me this, since I wasn't involved, nor was I part of the fight. But I told her that I wasn't the guy who started it, and that if she wanted to fight someone it should be him, not me. She then stated that she didn't want to fight, but if one of her friends was treating me like crap she'd wanna know. I'm mad at my friend for pulling that shit, even though I know he didn't mean harm from it. But at the same time, I'm mad/confused that she brought it up to ME, as if I was supposed to do something to stop him. At this point I'm not dating her, and I won't be at her beck and call.

WAAAAAY too long story short, I've stopped talking to her. I've figured that we need to not be in contact with each other for quite some time (as many of you have given advice on). If anything is still there later on down the road, it'll make itself known and things will happen. If not, then it won't bother me so much. I still have feelings for her, but us talking to each other hasn't helped.

In other news, I'm still working. I drink, but only socially, and it isn't on my mind nearly as much as it used to be. I've gained 20 lbs over the past month and a half, and I'm at a decent 160-165. (I had lost around 10-15 lbs in a week when this first started). I'm going to more parties, meeting new people, and even finding some girls that consider me attractive, which is a huge ego boost. : ) I still don't know what's going to happen, but I've stopped questioning a lot of things, and I'm putting the situation to the wayside. I want the two of us to be happy no matter what, and only fate will decide how that comes about. It's hard not talking to her, but its necessary for either of us to heal and clear our own heads. I've started to like myself again, and lift more (therapeutically it helps relieve stress and build confidence).

I know I'm not over her, but I'm not so obsessed about it. I don't know if she's over me, but I'm not gonna freak out over it. Life does go on, and I know I'm worth it to find someone out there who truly appreciates me. If it isn't her, then that other someone is around, and I'll meet her one day.

Thanks for everyone's support. : )

P.S. I reread a lot of these posts, and in all honesty I cannot for the life of my ever recall reading them lol. That just shows you how freaked out I was. But my head is much clearer these days. :clap: