Would You Leave Someone Over Money?

[grlNIN]

The other thread about finances got me thinking about this question. Would you leave your S.O. over finances?

As of late i have been very pissed, annoyed, upset at my boyfriend who at 23, has absolutely no credit establishes and has never paid a bill in his life.

I talked with him multiple times and i also approached his mother, flat out telling both of them that i will not marry him if he cannot financial support himself, or at least have to know how. She agreed that he needs to learn but at the end of the conversation she slipped in something to the effect of "if he can't learn or doesnt understand then youll have to take that responsibility".

This pretty much negates everything she said and encourages him not to learn, which after multiple conversations he still hasnt even applied for a credit card.

I'm basically slamming my head against a wall over and over.

So it's raising the question of could i be with this kind of person and have any of you or would any of you leave someone who cant manage their own finances or support themselves?

[JPMNICK]

The other thread about finances got me thinking about this question. Would you leave your S.O. over finances?

As of late i have been very pissed, annoyed, upset at my boyfriend who at 23, has absolutely no credit establishes and has never paid a bill in his life.

I talked with him multiple times and i also approached his mother, flat out telling both of them that i will not marry him if he cannot financial support himself, or at least have to know how. She agreed that he needs to learn but at the end of the conversation she slipped in something to the effect of "if he can't learn or doesnt understand then youll have to take that responsibility".

This pretty much negates everything she said and encourages him not to learn, which after multiple conversations he still hasnt even applied for a credit card.

I'm basically slamming my head against a wall over and over.

So it's raising the question of could i be with this kind of person and have any of you or would any of you leave someone who cant manage their own finances or support themselves?

i would NEVER marry someone who was bad with money. you are setting yourself up for a life of misery and fighting. i always read that the #1 thing couples fight about it money, and I know a few couples who have split over this. it is usually one person who spends to much and the other is a saver.

he is still kind of young, but he should be making a solid effort now to change things. does he live on his own? do you pay his bills for him?

[Chip196]

If they're not trying something you've expressed as being important to you it doesn't really matter what it is ... money, health, any important factor to you has to be attempted on your S.O.'s end. And it has to be a valid effort.

Specifically ... How can you not try to get your finances right? i made plenty of poor decisions in my younger days and am still paying for some of them now, but if I didn't make the decision to work on it, I would be in terrible shape. My wife wouldn't have stayed with me if I wasn't working on it.

[Ritalin]

Yes, definitely, although I'm on the other side of the coin. I'm the guy who needed to get his financial house in order, and my wife thankfully whipped me into shape.

I would guess that most serious relationships break up over money. I think you can look at a lot of problems people have in relationships and a lot of them have money at the root. At the very least, having financial problems make every other problem you have worse. It's hard to live and love when you're broke. It just is.

And you can say - as I used to - "are we really fighting about MONEY?", like it was some sort of trivial concern, but it's not. Having your financial life in order is a prerequisite to living an adult life. I'm not saying that you have to be rich, but you should have it worked out where you can pay your bills and live reasonably on the money you earn.

[grlNIN]

We live with his family while we're finishing school...SO THAT WE CAN SAVE MONEY AND NOT PAY RENT.

I fell like the only fucking fool in that boat.

His dad has no credit and hands his pay over to the mom who controls everything, including her kids who dont pay for anything as long as theyre in school. Meanwhile his sister turned 18 last week and has already had a credit company come after her for defaulting payment on her phone to the point of it being shut off.

[TheMojoPin]

Why is he so opposed to getting a credit card? It's not like he has to use the damn thing all the time. What is his reasoning against it when all he has to do is get one and use it to get gas or pay for gorceries once or twice a month ad then pay it off to establish credit?

[FUNKMAN]

first thought is if he's 'immature' for (lack of a better word) in handling finances then does that crossover into other aspects of his life. do you have to baby him, is he very sensitive, are you a nurturer?

is he willing to work on it? would you help him?

as far as leaving a SO for just that means there's not much else to the relationship... now IF besides being an So he is an SOB, then 'see ya later'...

[grlNIN]

He's forgetful?

I don't know, i have no reason to offer because i haven't honestly been given a valid one. All i hear is "i'll do it ill get it done".

I've been hearing that for the last 5 months.

[Furtherman]

23 is still very young. He should establish credit, but to be fair, he still has some years ahead of him. If he doesn't want to establish it now, it sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of a marriage either.

[Knowledged_one]

He's forgetful?

I don't know, i have no reason to offer because i haven't honestly been given a valid one. All i hear is "i'll do it ill get it done".

I've been hearing that for the last 5 months.

Punch him in the balls "accidentally" until he applies for a credit card

[JPMNICK]

does your BF work? if so, what does he do with his money? you should tell him to hand over 50% of his pay to you and put it in an account for him, only to be used for moving out expenses.

[grlNIN]

Ahhh, ok. So this wasn't about moving out because we're not moving out until school is done with.

This is about being 23 and having zero credit and zero knowledge of how to handle your income and pay bills or even how much bills cost.

He has no idea how much his car insurance is, or his phone bill. I've given him the task of now paying my phone bill each month before it's due as well as another smaller bill.

Not having established credit at 23 or even tried is pretty bad. It's not like 15-20 years ago when it wasn't such a make or break thing. You need credit for fucking everything now.

[JPMNICK]

Ahhh, ok. So this wasn't about moving out because we're not moving out until school is done with.

This is about being 23 and having zero credit and zero knowledge of how to handle your income and pay bills or even how much bills cost.

He has no idea how much his car insurance is, or his phone bill. I've given him the task of now paying my phone bill each month before it's due as well as another smaller bill.

Not having established credit at 23 or even tried is pretty bad. It's not like 15-20 years ago when it wasn't such a make or break thing. You need credit for fucking everything now.

check my response in the other thread, i was in a similiar situation when i was 22-23, except i had money in the bank and i was living on my own. i just did everything with cash and a debit card. so i had NO cresit history because i used to pay my college tuition in cash, never had loans or anything.

he really needs to get moving with this. every month he waits the longer it is going to take to get established. also with this whole mortgage meltdown happening, they will be tightening credit standards, so it might be harder to get CC in the next few years.

i know you are not moving out now, but eventually you will be. and when you do, you need 3-4000 dollars for furniture plus another 2k for a security deposit.

[King Hippos Bandaid]

I hope not, I dont want to be single


I was really bad before marriage

But now I have 2 cars financed under my belt, about to be a 3rd

My one mistake credit card, where I was too lazy to pay it is paid and closed

I eat cold cuts instead of Sushi and don't buy frivolous things


The only thing I want now is a Credit Card to prove that I can handle it and build my credit rating even higher

[Jujubees2]

Looks like there are two issues here:

1) Your BF has no credit at age 23

and

2) Your BF does not know how to manage money since he has never had to do it.

You've made a good first step in addressing #2 in making him pay your phone bill. But give him more responsibility. As was mention previously, open an account for him and make him learn to budget.

The credit problem can only be solved when he wants to do it. But as JPMNICK stated, the longer he waits the harder it will be for him.

[JPMNICK]

and paying your phone bill with your money teaches him nothing but a date to do things. it is basically taking out the garbage once per week.

what he really needs is to feel money leave his pocket for something not fun. so instead of taking 100 bucks to drink or party, he needs to pay a cell bill with it. that will teach him how much he really makes and what paying bills is really all about

[weekapaugjz]

my advice would be to have your boyfriend become much more responsible with his own money way before he gets his own credit card. ive known a lot of people who have racked up tons of debt because they simply buy everything on their card. if he is not responsible with his purchasing and money spending, how would getting a card make the situation better?

[walking joint]

While I agree he should learn to pay his own bills, I have no problem with him having no credit. I have never owned a credit card in my life and I'm 31. Actually that isn't 100% true...about 3 years ago I got a Sears Card just to take advantage of 0% financing for 6 months and the same thing last year at Circuit city for the 12 months. but i paid both off in about 3 weeks and haven't used them since. So I consider myself as not really having one.

I did finance my first car at 21. Before then I got hand me downs that my parents got us. Used cars that my 4 older brothers and sisters used before me. And my parents paid most of my bills before that...i didn't really have any though. Since then I've bought 2 houses and have had no problems with credit scores despite having no real credit history.

i just would never buy what i didn't have the money to pay for(outside of the car/house) in cash. so i never needed a card. don't know the guy, but maybe he is just like me.

oh and i just took a home equity line out and scored a 790 as a credit score

[grlNIN]

and paying your phone bill with your money teaches him nothing but a date to do things. it is basically taking out the garbage once per week.

what he really needs is to feel money leave his pocket for something not fun. so instead of taking 100 bucks to drink or party, he needs to pay a cell bill with it. that will teach him how much he really makes and what paying bills is really all about

He's paying the bill with his own money, not mine.

He doesn't spend any money on drinking or partying. We are tied down in school hardcore and also dont have the luxury of coming into the house at night drunk. So this usually means that we seldom go to bars and do not bring alcohol home.

The only vice we both share is going out for meals and especially in between classes at school. We have cut down drastically from how we used to spend and i am saving money but he is not really doing the same.

I do make more money than him but i also pay my car, car insurance, school and other misc bills. So i cant even say, i make more so i should be saving more.

[JPMNICK]

He's paying the bill with his own money, not mine.

He doesn't spend any money on drinking or partying. We are tied down in school hardcore and also dont have the luxury of coming into the house at night drunk. So this usually means that we seldom go to bars and do not bring alcohol home.

The only vice we both share is going out for meals and especially in between classes at school. We have cut down drastically from how we used to spend and i am saving money but he is not really doing the same.

I do make more money than him but i also pay my car, car insurance, school and other misc bills. So i cant even say, i make more so i should be saving more.

well sounds like you are doing well, he just needs to focus and getting his financials in order. he does not sound irresponsible, just untrained.

[topless_mike]

although i am perfectly capable of paying my own bills (as i did when i lived home), my wife handles all the finances. although she always consults with me on big issues, i usually dont care what she does with the money. she's very smart like that and i trust her judgement.

although... thinking about it now.. she could be funneling our money to an offshore account so she has fallback when she leaves me.


i think you have the right to be pissed at him.
what if you did this.... sit down with him and you guys pay bills together?
convince him to get a card strictly for gas purchases.


or, hate to do this, but threaten him that when you go to apply for a mortgage, they'll need his credit rating to process it. no credit history means higher mortgage payment, which you guys cant afford.

if he still wont, (hate to say it) but pack your bags. seriously. love doesnt pay the bills, pesos do. his willingness to make a change in his life for your future together should be an indication.

[grlNIN]

Well, we were going to take a vacation during the week of fourth of july.

He has to borrow money from his parents and i have saved over a grand.

Guess who is going to book a flight and hotel in Florida alone and relax.

[MobCounty]

Yes,

Although, not because someone does not have money.

If someone cant get the basics of money, will not get many of the basics of living. I think you would always be trying to fix problems that did not have to exist. Thats not to say that someone who does not get money is not good. They just have to know to get a book keeper or have the realization that they have to pass the power of the household finances to the other partner.

[angrymissy]

The other thread about finances got me thinking about this question. Would you leave your S.O. over finances?

As of late i have been very pissed, annoyed, upset at my boyfriend who at 23, has absolutely no credit establishes and has never paid a bill in his life.

I talked with him multiple times and i also approached his mother, flat out telling both of them that i will not marry him if he cannot financial support himself, or at least have to know how. She agreed that he needs to learn but at the end of the conversation she slipped in something to the effect of "if he can't learn or doesnt understand then youll have to take that responsibility".

This pretty much negates everything she said and encourages him not to learn, which after multiple conversations he still hasnt even applied for a credit card.

I'm basically slamming my head against a wall over and over.

So it's raising the question of could i be with this kind of person and have any of you or would any of you leave someone who cant manage their own finances or support themselves?

I can support myself, but I was always shitty w/ credit and finances. Jeff balances it out and takes control of the money and helped me fix a bunch of stuff, so it balances out. It can work if you are willing to take total control, and the other person is willing to give it up.

[Dude!]

everyone is missing the main point
the money thing is just an indicator of the real issue

he sounds like a mama's boy

if you marry a mama's boy
you get a son not a husband

[ibanez23]

It is very simple .Cut and dry.If you marry someone with bad financial habbits you are responsible for them.Marriage is a legal contract.

[Sinestro]

Yeah. I would leave someone over money.

[topless_mike]

Well, we were going to take a vacation during the week of fourth of july.

He has to borrow money from his parents and i have saved over a grand.

Guess who is going to book a flight and hotel in Florida alone and relax.

good for you.
he's responsible for his half. you are going, whether its with him or not.
dont give in. if he gives you shit, ask him why, if he knew this was coming, didnt he save up enough money (barring emergency shit).

[ScottFromGA]

The other thread about finances got me thinking about this question. Would you leave your S.O. over finances?

As of late i have been very pissed, annoyed, upset at my boyfriend who at 23, has absolutely no credit establishes and has never paid a bill in his life.

I talked with him multiple times and i also approached his mother, flat out telling both of them that i will not marry him if he cannot financial support himself, or at least have to know how. She agreed that he needs to learn but at the end of the conversation she slipped in something to the effect of "if he can't learn or doesnt understand then youll have to take that responsibility".

This pretty much negates everything she said and encourages him not to learn, which after multiple conversations he still hasnt even applied for a credit card.

I'm basically slamming my head against a wall over and over.

So it's raising the question of could i be with this kind of person and have any of you or would any of you leave someone who cant manage their own finances or support themselves?

I live with someone that comes from a family with money issues and its rubbed off on us at this point of time. She has absolutely no regard on how and how much she spends at a given time. I went from being a guy that could afford about anything that made us comfortable to someone that can't hardly go to McDonalds for lunch.

My advice, if he doesn't change or have the "want to" in him, then your in for a wrong ride.


to answer the question of the topic, Yes.....yes i would.

[ibanez23]

Yeah. I would leave someone over money.It's easy to say You would leave someone for money.But I'm in that situation and You lose a lot of independence and self assurance.
One thing you never want as a man is to go back to being a child.Depending on someone else for financial security.

[sr71blackbird]

Anyone who cannot handle their finances is not an adult as far as I am concerned.

[britneypablo]

i did...he got to obsessed with making buckets of it and forgot I existed half the time so I left him, and I wont say how that turned out..... YIKES