Bad Jokes

[ahhdurr]

I'm looking for bad jokes. I use them in my bland cover band act to annoy audiences that are completely not into what I'm doing... like pretty much every show. Anyhoo ... these are jokes that will get boos and groans and things thrown at you. Another favorite response is "keep your day job" and the like...

Please share.

A priest, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar... bartender says - what's this some kind of joke? (rimshot!)

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. (cha cha!)

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Scares the dog! (thanks I'll be here all weekend)

[IamPixie]

what did sushi A say to sushi B?






WASABI?!


Did you hear the one about the seal that walked into the club?

[ChrisTheCop]

I'm looking for bad jokes.

You've come to the right place.

[RhinoinMN]

I'm looking for bad jokes. I use them in my bland cover band act to annoy audiences that are completely not into what I'm doing... like pretty much every show. Anyhoo ... these are jokes that will get boos and groans and things thrown at you. Another favorite response is "keep your day job" and the like...

Please share.

A priest, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar... bartender says - what's this some kind of joke? (rimshot!)

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. (cha cha!)

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Scares the dog! (thanks I'll be here all weekend)

Just look through my previous posts. There are plenty.





Btw. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey!

[Hottub]

One day, an eskimo was riding his snowmobile to work and noticed that it was running poorly. He stopped at the repair shop to have them look at it.

The repairman said, "We're kind of busy right now, but why don't you go across the street to the cafe and have something to eat, then stop back and see me in a few hours."

So the eskimo went to the cafe and returned to the repair shop two hours later. The eskimo asked the repairman, "What did you find?"

The repairman said, "I think that you blew a seal."

The eskimo replied (after wiping his mouth), "No, I just had ice cream!"

[jauble]

A peice of string walks into a bar and says, "Bartender give me a beer."

Bartender says, "We dont serve string here."

The next day the string goes back into the bar and says, "Bartender give me a beer."

Bartender says, "We dont serve string here."

The third day, frustrated the peice of string gets himself ready ties himself up real nice and tussles his ends he walks into the bar and says, "Bartender give me a beer."

Bartender says, "We dont serve string here."

The peice of string says "I'm a frayed knot."

[mikeyboy]

Paging OneEyeJack...

[ChrisTheCop]

I've been having some bad dreams lately, so I went to a psychiatrist to figure em out.

Doc, one night I dream I'm a teepee, the next night I'm a wig wam,
and it alternates; I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam.

The doctor says, "Relax. Youre two tents."

[OneEyeJack]

when 2 mexicans are playing basketball, what is it called???

when 2 mexicans are playing basketball, what is it called???

Juan on Juan...:laugh:

[jauble]

when 2 mexicans are playing basketball, what is it called???

Juan on Juan...:laugh:

You know you could just hit the enter button so you dont have quote whore yourself. Plus the waiting almost killed me.

[tele7]

A young John Lennon was working at a grocery store.

The same woman came in three days in a row asking where the carrots were.

On the fourth day she came in, again asking for carrots...

He said ..enough with the carrots!...Why don't you give Pea's a Chance.

[OneEyeJack]

what is a cows favorite city???

what is a cows favorite city???

what is a cows favorite city???



Mooo York City....:laugh:

[mikeyboy]

Just testing out the merge posts function. I've never tried that before.

[jauble]

what is a cows favorite city???

what is a cows favorite city???





Mooo York City....:laugh:

I was going to be even more upset if it was mooston texas

[OneEyeJack]

Just testing out the merge posts function. I've never tried that before.

well go test someplace else, your ruining my joke setups..:thumbdown:

[mikeyboy]

well go test someplace else, your ruining my joke setups..:thumbdown:

You know what would really ruin your setups? If I banned you before the punchline.

[Jughead]

You know what would really ruin your setups? If I banned you before the punchline.

FACE!!!:bye:

[Chigworthy]

A white guy and a Jamaican guy are taking leaks, side by side in a bathroom.

"Look at this," the white guy says, pointing at his dick. The letters J and Y are tattooed on the top. "When I get hard it says my name, Johnny."

The white guy looks at the Jamaican guy's dick and notices he has the letters W and Y tattooed on the top.

"What, is you're name Willy?" he asks.

The Jamaican smiles and says, "No, it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.' "












Boooooo.

[King Hippos Bandaid]

Why didn't the Magician play Basketball?

He had a Trick Knee?

[MisterSmith]

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?



If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

[Jughead]

What did Kenny G and John Tesch say when they got on the elevator???Man this place is Happening....:glurps:

[MisterSmith]

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?


Fo Drizzle.

------------------------- or this one --------------------------

If April showers bring may flowers, then what do May flowers bring?


Pilgrims.




(Notice the rain theme?)

[Jughead]

What is the difference between a bass player and a large pizza??? A large pizza will feed a family of 4...

[Enabler]

A farmer walks in from the fields into his farmhouse with a sheep under his arm. He goes into the bedroom where his wife is and says, "So, this is the pig Im fucking." The farmers wife says, "Thats not a pig, thats a sheep." The farmer says, "I wasnt talking to you."

[jauble]

A guy goes into the bar and asks the bartender to make him a drink. After he finished he asked the bartender what the drink was called and the bartender responded with, "a grasshopper." On his way home the guy ran into a grasshopper and said, "hey did you know there is a drink named after you?" The grasshopper responded, "Really? They have a drink named Steve?"

[jauble]

Also it should be noted that this (http://www.instantrimshot.com/) should follow up most of the posts in this thread.

[CofyCrakCocaine]

You know what would really ruin your setups? If I banned you before the punchline.

HOLY-PHUCKING-PHACE!!!!@@ :banning::banning::banning:

[ibanez23]

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Then I had breakfast in bed. Two rolls and a turnover.

I got a million of em folks.And they all suck.

[CofyCrakCocaine]

this should be guaranteed grade-A bad shit here ladies and germs

so's I said YOU'RE THE WRONG BROTHERS (stole from Jimmy mocking Vos)

what did santa say to the farmer? hoe hoe hoe.

it's like finding your prick in a haystack!!!

[Enabler]

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[RhinoinMN]

How many Polacks it take to screw up a lightbulb?



Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over:

How come it takes three Polacks to screw up a lightbulb?




'Cause they're so darn stupid!



Don't ya get it?
Shit, man, think about it! I guess it's what they call a "way homer."

[ahhdurr]

From the archives:

Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left 'em.

Two cannibals are eating a clown - one turns to the other and says "... this taste funny to you?"

Goddam I love this stuff. I'm going to make a laminated card.

[EliSnow]

A horse walks into the bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

[Hottub]

Don't ya get it?
Shit, man, think about it! I guess it's what they call a "way homer."


Why's that, Rhino?

[RhinoinMN]

Why's that, Rhino?

'Cause you only get it on the way home.

[Hottub]

:clap:

Thaaank you.

Oh yeah. The doc says I can't have any more kids on account there's something wrong with my semen.

[RhinoinMN]

:clap:

Thaaank you.

Oh yeah. The doc says I can't have any more kids on account there's something wrong with my semen.

No, thank you. It was hanging there for a while.

[OneEyeJack]

A horse walks into the bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender says........:tongue:

[jonyrotn]

Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the orange juice factory?

He couldn't concentrate.. :lol:

[Gunner S]

My impersonation of John Lennon


"Is that A gun?"

[PapaBear]

How was Princess Dianna killed? Car pull tunnel syndrome

How did Jeffery Dahmer like his beer? With a head

I made those up, myself! That's why people call me mushroom. 'Cause I'm a fun guy.

[ahhdurr]

How was Princess Dianna killed? Car pull tunnel syndrome

How did Jeffery Dahmer like his beer? With a head

I made those up, myself! That's why people call me mushroom. 'Cause I'm a fun guy.

You forgot: knock knock (who's there) orange (orange who?)... :happy:

[jauble]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."

[Tall_James]

My mother in law sent me this one yesterday -


Mickey, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a
friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mickey. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mickey, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked the presenter?

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'