Melrapuo
10-11-2008, 11:43 AM
It's been about four months since I broke up with my ex. Whole story is here http://www.ronfez.net/forums/showthread.php?t=70335&highlight=melrapuo&page=2
Warning: Giant wall of text incoming. Like I said, I need to vent.
It took me a while, but I really do wish I had listened to everyone's opinions instead of letting my heart make all my decisions. About a week or so after the last post, my ex told me she was confused and angry that I stopped talking to her. She had suggested two weeks before that we meet up to see how things were, but made it seem like it was my idea in the first place. After arguing back and forth, we decided to meet up on a Friday. However, when she said that she might have other plans, I told her to go screw. We argued some more, before we decided to meet on the Saturday after.
So we met up, hung out for a couple hours, didn't talk much. It was weird. I don't really wanna get into it, but she was askin questions like how her dating was going, asking me if she could trust certain guys to date. I felt horrible at this point. I thought she wanted to see if we could patch things up, but it sounded more like she just wanted to be friends. So I left, went home.
The next morning my friend calls me, tells me that a guy he works with went over her house the night before to go to a party (this was the plans she had made already that prevented us from meeting.) She ended up telling him that she liked him, they hooked up. He also stayed over her apartment the night we decided to hang out (Afterwards, of course), and the next day. I guess they did more than hook up.
So I stopped talking to her. Two weeks later, after she sent me a few IM's and I didn't respond during that time, she IM's me angry because I just up and left my job. (I worked for her dad. Thanked him and my bosses for everything, but I had to leave. It was only a temporary summer job anyway, and if I didn't leave I wouldn't have been able to straighten things out for school.) She IM's me angry about that, makes me feel bad. I knew she was at her parent's house, and I told her that I apologize to her dad/family if I angered them, cuz that wasn't my intention. (I left a message explaining everything to my boss and a co-worker. They weren't happy, but they understood). Anyway, after I responded, she became nice all of a sudden! Like she was fucking concerned that something happened to my family. (A week earlier, my sister had a really bad ear infection, so I had to stay home and help her out. I guess my ex found out about this from her dad, and asked me if my sister was ok. WTF...)
After that two minute debacle, my ex says she has to go and signs off. And at this point I had had it. I freaked, messaged her over myspace, told her we can't be friends, its been over, stop talking to me, bye. She signs back on, gives me a really sarcastic "O NO IM TALKING" message, followed by "thanks for putting it so nicely" and blocks me on AIM.
I call her angry, she doesn't pick up. I drop it for the night, text her the next day saying if we were going to end all of this we should do it in a civil manner. And if she has a problem with me (in response to all of those sarcastic IM's I had been getting) then she should just tell me. I offered to call her so we could finalize it. She said she'd call later that night instead. I get a text at 2am the next day, with her saying she was sorry she didn't call and that I could call her anytime the next day.
So the next two days I write the goodbye e-mail. Explain how I've felt, how I felt even more betrayed by the fact that she was hooking up with another guy. Even when I gave her space, it was like she didn't want it, and started contacting me instead. Wished her the best, said good luck, and ended the letter. She responded, kinda angry, but "accepted my apology" for pushing her away. She apologized for not speaking up and giving things a chance. Wished the same for me.
That was on Aug. 25th I think. Haven't spoken to her since. Haven't checked her myspace (deleted my own just to stay away), unfriended her on facebook. Made my settings private so she can't look at mine. I've made every attempt to block any incoming info about her from getting to me. Doesn't always work though...
A couple weeks ago I'm hanging out with one of my best friends, and we were going for a liquor run. We're talking about stuff, and I honestly don't know how it came up, but he blurts out "You know she has a new boyfriend, right?" Keep this in mind, people. Four months - this is guy#3. Emotionally, I'm floored. I get all hot, angry - for about 30 seconds. Then I calm down, kinda brush it off for the moment. Like I said, I need to stay away from this info. (As my friend put it, he said "He's such a dirtbag!" That made me feel kinda better, but only for a bit.)
It bothered me though. This is the THIRD guy she's with now. And he was one of the friends (if not one of the BEST friends, apparently) of the guy she left me for. I just find that to be very fucked up. Her choice though; not anything that I can do about it except move on.
But what's bothering me is that its been four months, and I still have crying moments, or moments of deep depression. I mean, she cheated on me. I have never felt this much pain before in my life. I go from debilitating depression, to anger, to indifference, to happy, and then repeat that all again. And there are even moments of false hope, when I don't even want it anymore! It bothers the hell outta me.
I continue to work out and go to school. I'm a lot lazier than I used to be when it comes to school work, but I at least get it done. It's my last semester, and I just want out. I've applied to a bunch of jobs, but no responses yet. : /
I guess what triggered me posting today was the fact that I was selling some of the things she gave me on eBay. My mom lost her job a few weeks ago, so any money is going to help us at this point. Anyway, I was cleaning this ice cream maker my ex gave me as an anniversary present, and the entire time I was an asshole. Full of a lot of anger. I finished cleaning it, boxed it up, went upstairs and looked for more of her stuff. I found a card my friend gave me for congratulating me on losing my virginity (it was to her, and its an inside joke with our friends lol). I tore that up, threw it out. Found an old halloween costume that I wore with her last year. Threw that out too. It was at the point where I was trying to rearrange my room (I heard this is good to do. If things are different within a certain part of your house, it doesn't remind you so much of the past.) Of course, I started having trouble moving some furniture and then I just became overwhelmed with emotions. Started crying and pacing around my house. Took me about 15 minutes to calm down. Figured I had to post somewhere about it. I have moments where my depression becomes so bad that I don't feel like living. Not that I'd do anything to hurt myself, but I feel extremely lost at this point. I used to be praised by her family because they really liked me, and after all of this I don't see any of my self worth anymore.
My friends are very limited. I lost a lot of them when I dated her, but not because I blocked them out. Rather, they blocked me out. It was a weird beginning, and people just stopped hanging out with me. We both depended on each other for company and a relationship I guess. But after all of this, it took me a while to make friends back. However, I barely see them during the week. I'm usually stuck in my house doing nothing. Lifting, watching TV, trying to focus on school work. I don't have a car, can't get a job to afford one. Don't know what I'm doing after school. Gah. Just feel really lonely at this point, and extremely hurt. I don't plan on ever talking to her again, but I keep looking for something to show me that I'm gonna be ok. That I'm gonna find someone who loves me no matter what, and won't do things like this to me.
Like I said, I just needed to vent. If you got to the bottom of this post without just scrolling through, I commend you for putting up with my ranting.
**EDIT** Yes, I know its been four months and I should be beyond this point. Yes, I know she's allowed to date, just as much as I am. Maybe I'm jealous that she's doing so well and I've got nothin'. The fact that she has been able to move on at all though, and so easily, shows me that she never really loved me at all over the 21 months that we dated. Or at least that she didn't love me as much as I thought. That's what angers me. And I'm upset that I even wasted my time on her.
Warning: Giant wall of text incoming. Like I said, I need to vent.
It took me a while, but I really do wish I had listened to everyone's opinions instead of letting my heart make all my decisions. About a week or so after the last post, my ex told me she was confused and angry that I stopped talking to her. She had suggested two weeks before that we meet up to see how things were, but made it seem like it was my idea in the first place. After arguing back and forth, we decided to meet up on a Friday. However, when she said that she might have other plans, I told her to go screw. We argued some more, before we decided to meet on the Saturday after.
So we met up, hung out for a couple hours, didn't talk much. It was weird. I don't really wanna get into it, but she was askin questions like how her dating was going, asking me if she could trust certain guys to date. I felt horrible at this point. I thought she wanted to see if we could patch things up, but it sounded more like she just wanted to be friends. So I left, went home.
The next morning my friend calls me, tells me that a guy he works with went over her house the night before to go to a party (this was the plans she had made already that prevented us from meeting.) She ended up telling him that she liked him, they hooked up. He also stayed over her apartment the night we decided to hang out (Afterwards, of course), and the next day. I guess they did more than hook up.
So I stopped talking to her. Two weeks later, after she sent me a few IM's and I didn't respond during that time, she IM's me angry because I just up and left my job. (I worked for her dad. Thanked him and my bosses for everything, but I had to leave. It was only a temporary summer job anyway, and if I didn't leave I wouldn't have been able to straighten things out for school.) She IM's me angry about that, makes me feel bad. I knew she was at her parent's house, and I told her that I apologize to her dad/family if I angered them, cuz that wasn't my intention. (I left a message explaining everything to my boss and a co-worker. They weren't happy, but they understood). Anyway, after I responded, she became nice all of a sudden! Like she was fucking concerned that something happened to my family. (A week earlier, my sister had a really bad ear infection, so I had to stay home and help her out. I guess my ex found out about this from her dad, and asked me if my sister was ok. WTF...)
After that two minute debacle, my ex says she has to go and signs off. And at this point I had had it. I freaked, messaged her over myspace, told her we can't be friends, its been over, stop talking to me, bye. She signs back on, gives me a really sarcastic "O NO IM TALKING" message, followed by "thanks for putting it so nicely" and blocks me on AIM.
I call her angry, she doesn't pick up. I drop it for the night, text her the next day saying if we were going to end all of this we should do it in a civil manner. And if she has a problem with me (in response to all of those sarcastic IM's I had been getting) then she should just tell me. I offered to call her so we could finalize it. She said she'd call later that night instead. I get a text at 2am the next day, with her saying she was sorry she didn't call and that I could call her anytime the next day.
So the next two days I write the goodbye e-mail. Explain how I've felt, how I felt even more betrayed by the fact that she was hooking up with another guy. Even when I gave her space, it was like she didn't want it, and started contacting me instead. Wished her the best, said good luck, and ended the letter. She responded, kinda angry, but "accepted my apology" for pushing her away. She apologized for not speaking up and giving things a chance. Wished the same for me.
That was on Aug. 25th I think. Haven't spoken to her since. Haven't checked her myspace (deleted my own just to stay away), unfriended her on facebook. Made my settings private so she can't look at mine. I've made every attempt to block any incoming info about her from getting to me. Doesn't always work though...
A couple weeks ago I'm hanging out with one of my best friends, and we were going for a liquor run. We're talking about stuff, and I honestly don't know how it came up, but he blurts out "You know she has a new boyfriend, right?" Keep this in mind, people. Four months - this is guy#3. Emotionally, I'm floored. I get all hot, angry - for about 30 seconds. Then I calm down, kinda brush it off for the moment. Like I said, I need to stay away from this info. (As my friend put it, he said "He's such a dirtbag!" That made me feel kinda better, but only for a bit.)
It bothered me though. This is the THIRD guy she's with now. And he was one of the friends (if not one of the BEST friends, apparently) of the guy she left me for. I just find that to be very fucked up. Her choice though; not anything that I can do about it except move on.
But what's bothering me is that its been four months, and I still have crying moments, or moments of deep depression. I mean, she cheated on me. I have never felt this much pain before in my life. I go from debilitating depression, to anger, to indifference, to happy, and then repeat that all again. And there are even moments of false hope, when I don't even want it anymore! It bothers the hell outta me.
I continue to work out and go to school. I'm a lot lazier than I used to be when it comes to school work, but I at least get it done. It's my last semester, and I just want out. I've applied to a bunch of jobs, but no responses yet. : /
I guess what triggered me posting today was the fact that I was selling some of the things she gave me on eBay. My mom lost her job a few weeks ago, so any money is going to help us at this point. Anyway, I was cleaning this ice cream maker my ex gave me as an anniversary present, and the entire time I was an asshole. Full of a lot of anger. I finished cleaning it, boxed it up, went upstairs and looked for more of her stuff. I found a card my friend gave me for congratulating me on losing my virginity (it was to her, and its an inside joke with our friends lol). I tore that up, threw it out. Found an old halloween costume that I wore with her last year. Threw that out too. It was at the point where I was trying to rearrange my room (I heard this is good to do. If things are different within a certain part of your house, it doesn't remind you so much of the past.) Of course, I started having trouble moving some furniture and then I just became overwhelmed with emotions. Started crying and pacing around my house. Took me about 15 minutes to calm down. Figured I had to post somewhere about it. I have moments where my depression becomes so bad that I don't feel like living. Not that I'd do anything to hurt myself, but I feel extremely lost at this point. I used to be praised by her family because they really liked me, and after all of this I don't see any of my self worth anymore.
My friends are very limited. I lost a lot of them when I dated her, but not because I blocked them out. Rather, they blocked me out. It was a weird beginning, and people just stopped hanging out with me. We both depended on each other for company and a relationship I guess. But after all of this, it took me a while to make friends back. However, I barely see them during the week. I'm usually stuck in my house doing nothing. Lifting, watching TV, trying to focus on school work. I don't have a car, can't get a job to afford one. Don't know what I'm doing after school. Gah. Just feel really lonely at this point, and extremely hurt. I don't plan on ever talking to her again, but I keep looking for something to show me that I'm gonna be ok. That I'm gonna find someone who loves me no matter what, and won't do things like this to me.
Like I said, I just needed to vent. If you got to the bottom of this post without just scrolling through, I commend you for putting up with my ranting.
**EDIT** Yes, I know its been four months and I should be beyond this point. Yes, I know she's allowed to date, just as much as I am. Maybe I'm jealous that she's doing so well and I've got nothin'. The fact that she has been able to move on at all though, and so easily, shows me that she never really loved me at all over the 21 months that we dated. Or at least that she didn't love me as much as I thought. That's what angers me. And I'm upset that I even wasted my time on her.