So depressed and alone

[commish13]

Today sucks/

I felt like I was finally doing better, but I'm unbelievably depressed right now. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm alone. My depression and anxiety has kept me from doing anything truly social for a long while, and I finally gave up and joined a dating site. If you read my earlier post, you know how my first meeting went.

Then I started talking with another girl who seemed awesome, we exchanged numbers, had a fairly deep conversation online one night, and two days later she texts me and tells me that she's been seeing somebody for about a week and they've decided to see if it's going to become something serious. Then why lead me on? Just let me know that immediately instead of getting my hopes up and talking about meeting some time. Thanks.

I'm just alone and depressed right now, and I've been on the brink of tears for the past couple hours. I don't want to be this way anymore.

[Whiskeyportal]

go to the fandick show on paltalk in the comedy section in the no saints media room, it always cheers me up :drunk:

[extracheese]

Have you tried Effexor? I have friends who swear that when other meds failed, this one did the trick. I hope im not out of line here, it just sounds like your meds arent pulling their weight.

[MacVittie]

Hang in there man, things will start to turn your way before you know it. You'll meet someone great who's been longing for someone just like you. She's out there, just be patient.

[ChrisTheCop]

Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.

-Weezer

There is.

We can not truly feel pleasure without first experiencing pain, and heartache, and loneliness.
Artists call it "negative space", that portion of a painting that is seemingly dark nothingness helps bring out the subjects more clearly so that we can enjoy it more thoroughly.

It is better to wait for something truly magical, than settle for anything less that causes you to miss out on your true destiny.

In other words... Patience, grasshopper.

[commish13]

The shit I'm on has gotten me a long way. The way I'm feeling right now has been a rarity for the past couple months, but for whatever reason, tonight it all just hit me real hard.

I just feel alone, and I've felt this way for most of my life. I'm disconnected from all of my friends and I'm not truly close to anybody and never have been. I was really beginning to feel like I was on my way to finally being happy, but I'm just so low on patience right now, and I have nobody's shoulder to cry on and nobody to tell me everything's going to be alright.

I don't know. It'll pass. I just feel shitty.

[KC2OSO]

Actually, being alone can be really good. Frankly, I enjoy it. Take time too think. Feel joy and pain.
You can create your own happiness. Maybe, if you create your own happiness, these situations will go away. We'll see. Hang in there man.

[commish13]

Actually, being alone can be really good. Frankly, I enjoy it. Take time too think. Feel joy and pain.
You can create your own happiness. Maybe, if you create your own happiness, these situations will go away. We'll see. Hang in there man.

I understand that, and usually I can get past this, but I'm just feeling so awful right now. I was finally getting to a point where I thought I was finally going to get past all my shit. I've never had a true close friend and I've never had a real relationship, and the past 2 years have pretty much been solitude where my mood has been up and down. I mean, yesterday I felt on top of the world, for most of the last couple weeks, I've felt really good about myself and very optimistic. I've lost a shitload of weight, I physically look and feel better than I ever have, but over the course of today, I feel alone and depressed like I did 6-7 months ago when I was at my worst.

I just crashed so hard tonight, and it hurts.

[Badinia]

Feel good about the decisions you've made to improve your health and appearance.
Try hard not to get too caught up in internet dates that you haven't met.
You're a good lookin' kid and you'll do all right!

[Melrapuo]

I know how you're feeling, dude. I'm there right now. But as shitty as things feel now (and they've been bad for me before, just like now), I know that things eventually do get better. Hang in there, bud. :)

[KC2OSO]

Hey there's Dave's birthday shindig this weekend. Go!

[commish13]

I know I'll be fine, I just needed some attention. I'm almost 23, living at home, dropped out of college with barely over a year left, don't have a job, don't see my friends a lot, and I'm not that close with them anyway. The college thing doesn't bother me because I hated the idea from the start and only went because I thought it was the thing to do, but the longer I was there the more I knew that there was nothing there for me.

Other than going out once in a while, I've pretty much been living like a hermit since last November, but I was okay with it because I knew I was working on getting myself better and that eventually the shit would go away. I've had some kinda bad days over the past couple months, but I've honestly felt more confident in this time period and the closest to happy I've ever been in my whole life, and I felt (and will still feel when this passes) incredibly optimistic about everything going forward.

I don't know, I'm just getting impatient, because as good as I've been feeling, I still can't bring myself to actually start pursuing the things I have wanted to do for so long. And I feel like it would help a hell of a lot if I had somebody as a constant in my life to share things with and be at my side, and as I am right now, meeting people online is the only way I have to find that.

That's why I came here instead of going to somebody I know, because I'm without, and always have been. Yeah, I know I'm going in circles now, and I don't want to be like that other dude who's always bitching and never listening to anything anybody ever says.

I'm just in a bad place right now, and even though rationally and in my conscious mind I know it's okay, my subconscious is just kicking me in the nuts over and over again, punching me in the gut and ripping at my heart, and I can't stop that even with rational thoughts.

[AnnoyedGrunt]

This sounds like something I would have written a year and a half ago. I'd tell you not to take the internet dating so seriously. I have had results but it's online so it's far less personal. People will vanish without a word so you can't let that get to you. And you can't let your personal happiness be defined by any dating success. That way when it does end you won't end up feeling worse than before.

[commish13]

I'd rather have some kind of relationship and have it end in a shitty way than to go on for too much longer with nothing.

Over the past year since I left school, I think I've probably spent about 80% of my time alone. And it kills me, because I know that's not who I am. Even though I've never been happy, I have always been the guy who has cheered everybody else up and has done anything for anybody who needs it. I've always been the guy who, if you ask anybody who knows me, is never, ever in a bad mood and is always joking around and trying to make everybody feel happy.

Of course while deep down that's how I want to be, for the most part, it was all just a shield I was putting up to protect me from my shitty emotions and the fact that I was incredibly unhappy and couldn't figure out a way to deal with it. I let it build up for years and years before I finally broke down last year and tried to do something about it, and now it's been a full year since then, and while I've made significant progress, I'm beginning to go stir crazy. I need to be able to live a normal life. I never have, and I fucking need it. Badly.

I need to start working toward my career goals, I need to start getting out as often as possible and do stuff out with people, I need a girlfriend... I need to be a man, not a child sitting alone in his room all day who generally in the span of a week only ever sees his parents.

It's just really frustrating, because it's taking so long. I finally have started feeling some confidence, I look better than ever -- but I can't bring myself to do anything substantial. Yeah, I'm able to go out and go shopping or run other stupid errands and shit like that, but I still can't go out and look for a job, I can't get out and try to start making my way into the wrestling and radio businesses, I can't do shit.

I was kinda hoping that if I could find a girl that understood me and was with me, that I would be able to start getting through it, and I'd start actually living a life after pretty much wasting 23 years. I met one girl and she was a wreck herself, and then another led me on, even after conversations and exchanging phone numbers and everything.

I was amazed that I was actually able to go out for that one date I did have, and that makes me think if I can actually be successful in finding somebody, it will help make me happy, and it will help propel me into doing all the other shit I've been unable to do. I'd love to find a girl the conventional way, but the way I am right now, I kinda don't really have that option.

I'm really, really trying, but I've been absolutely miserable for more than 2 years, and I've been almost completely cut off from society for the past year. I just want that shit to end, and just when I thought things were looking up, I have a night like I'm having tonight. Fuck.

It's frustrating, ya know?

[Death Metal Moe]

Sorry man, I can't even read this. Your post is gonna put me in "that place" if I keep reading.

I have no words to comfort you, sorry bro. I just can't do this again.

[commish13]

No worries, Moe.

Even if you did steal my Proclaimers joke.

[CYYYFYYY]

Sadly on these sights..... women get many dates at a time... while most guys go from one woman to the next. I am sure she did not mean to lead you on however she probably went on a great date and wanted to give it a shot. I am sure it was nothing you did. It stinks to be alone but you have to keep trying. Its tough.

[KC2OSO]

I'm sure there's a story behind it but why did you drop out of college?

[commish13]

Anxiety that led to depression, coupled with the fact that I never wanted to be there in the first place because I felt it was a waste of time and money just to get a piece of paper that really won't be so crucial for what I want to do with my life.

[KC2OSO]

Ok cool. So it sounds like you pretty much have an idea what you want to do with your life and have no further need for school.
Oh, I'm a douchebag btw. Don't mind me.

[CofyCrakCocaine]

My experience has generally been that you don't meet any decent women when you're actively trying to find them (unless you're doing drugs then it's kind of easy)- they show up when you don't give half a shit about them or their rotten sex anymore. Then one of 'em shows up and you care again. It's like the Circle of Life, Elton!

Maybe I'm being glib but ever thought of getting a pet? It's not going to solve your life's problems and it's certainly no replacement for another person, but it'd give you something other than yourself to worry about. And it sounds like part of your problem is that you don't like dealing with just yourself.

Of course, if you hate animals or are allergic to them, disregard this suggestion. Also, you'd need to get a pet that you actually enjoy being around... which isn't so easy to figure out when you first get them. Plus they can be a pain in the ass in general (but worth it to guys like me).

Partake in an extracurricular activity... it's amazing what being part of a group can do for ya. Volunteer somewhere... help out at a local shelter or clinic... help donate blood or volunteer to be a driver for cancer walks...etc. There's alot you can do. You ARE in Jersey after all. I met plenty of lovely ladies doing that kind of thing- makes ya feel better too.

Or don't, sit in your room and feel shitty. Your choice, bottom line.

[ChrisTheCop]

And, as was mentioned above, Daves' party on Friday night.

Seriously, a Ron and Fez get together may be just what you need.

I am hesitant to go every time I do, but I always end up happy I went.

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

Hi commish13,

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. BUT you're in your 20s and that's when you realize life and people can suck sometimes. And being depressed does NOT help.

My advice? Forget women and fulfill YOURSELF. Go on a major road trip with TRUE FRIENDS.

People (regardless of sex) tend to be flaky in their 20s and 30s (I'm only 41, and the 40s don't look great, either). Go on a ROAD TRIP with friends. Go to EUROPE. DO SOMETHING that you can look back and and think, "I didn't waste my 20s."

NEVER waste your life over a person!!!!!!!!!!!

[commish13]

I appreciate it, everybody. I just had a shitty night last night and it got to me. It wasn't really a single thing that did it, it was just a build up of stuff and I just got pushed over the edge.

KC, you're cool. You sent me a PM to make sure I was doing fine. I'm glad you did that.

I'm feeling fine this morning, and I've been considering the party tomorrow night. It's really more about being able to actually get out and do it rather than how much I want to go. I still haven't been able to get the anxiety completely under control, so it's hard for me to get out and do things on my own. I'll try though.

Once again, thanks everyone.

[Death Metal Moe]

No worries, Moe.

Even if you did steal my Proclaimers joke.

Sorry man, I gave you a real cop out post last night. I just started reading your post and it lines up with lots of things I feel or did feel or try to forget I feel and I didn't want to go there.

I went through some shit, came out of it to an extent and have no idea who or why I went in or came out. So really I am completey unable to help you in any way with advice or a method. Anyway even if I did know, everyone is different. The mental game we play in our heads are all different and what I did to forget how much of a sham life can be is going to be way different than the one you need to use.

I'm not going to bother to give you any 'hang in theres' because they never helped me and never will. I think they problem is that the reality of things gets to us sometimes. I suggest distractions or become so focused on what you want in life that you have no regrets. And the latter is hard for average people like you and me to acheive.

[commish13]

Don't worry Moe, I get ya. Like I said earlier, I just needed to get it out of my system and a couple of 'hang in theres' were good enough for me.

[Death Metal Moe]

Don't worry Moe, I get ya. Like I said earlier, I just needed to get it out of my system and a couple of 'hang in theres' were good enough for me.

Well I'm glad to hear that, they never worked for me personally, but I guess they can help.

[Jennitalia]

hang in there commish. moods are very cyclic. keep remembering you are not in the same place emotionally/physically since last november, i think you said? you've been doing things that are helping you for the better. it's common to have those days where you slip back, but try telling yourslf that you arent that person anymore, that you deal with things differently now. when you're single, it makes things that much overwhelming for you because it can give you the sense of lonliness. i believe that things always fall into place and you just have to work through them and tough them out. the right girl WILL come along, trust me on that. just keep up with your exercising - look how far you've come! if you need to vent, feel free to pm me.

[commish13]

Thanks Jen. I'm good now. Shit just got to me last night, and I think I needed a good cry anyway. It let me get it out of my system. Like I said, moods like that are rare these days, and they don't last long. I was eventually able to get to sleep last night, and I woke up this morning doing fine. Already have done part of my workout and I'll take it from here.

Moe, it's usually not something that does it for me either, but I just needed some positive attention. I wanted some people to feel sorry for me, or at least pretend to.

I still feel very positive about the future, and I'm going to get over it. 2009's gonna be my year.

[fezident]

Hearing about somebody elses happiness might SEEM like a bad idea right now but, hear me out.


About 2 years ago, I was still married to a woman I was crazy about. I loved her deeply. She eventually got into showbusiness too and eventually met somebody a little higher up the showbiz ladder then I was.
One day, she stopped the car at a redlight, looked at me and said, "I can't be with you anymore." .... and that was it.

For three months, I tried and cried. I really let myself slip into darkness. I'd been clinically depressed for many many years but THIS was the catalyst for a whole new level of "funk".
I was suicidal.

I left Toronto (where I'd moved to be with her) to come back to NYC.
Two days after I left, I went to a friend's wedding. Everybody I'd ever really cared about was at this beautiful wedding on the water. I could not have cared less. I was absolutely overwrought with sadness.
It didn't help matters that every two seconds, somebody would come up to me and ask "HEY! WHERE'S MEG?!"

Like an idiot, I went outside to call her. I walked along the boardwalk (alone) and groveled to come "home". She responded "you ARE home."

I never came so close to suicide in my entire life. I seriously contemplated jumping into the water. I more than contemplated it. I actually kinda sorta moved to do it.


I went back inside to grab my suit jacket, which was still wrinkled from the suitcase, and started to head for the door. "FUCK THIS... I'M OUTTA HERE, LOSERS."


And then I saw Niki. Seriously... it was like something out of a movie. I swear to god it was as if, somehow, there was a spotlight on her. I was stunned. Absolutely breathtaking. She was beautiful... and she had an awesome vibe. And... she had a Jayne Mansfield thing goin' on. STUNNING.


I sat down at my table and started to eat something for the first time in days/weeks. My friend said "hey... did you see that chick that looks like she stepped outta the 1950ies?!" And I replied "Yes I did. And after I finish my salad... I'm gonna walk over there a start the rest of my life over with her."

And that is exactly what happened.



Niki and I dated seriously for over a year. She changed my life. She SAVED my life. She didn't "distract" me from my problems. She made me so much happier that I no longer really had problems. She elevated me.



My point is;
Don't let this depression be an anchor. As tough as it may be, find the energy to experience things. To leave your cacoon. To interact. Positivity really might be right around the corner. The law of averages states that one day, SOMETHING will go your way eventually. Don't be alone in your dojo on that day or it will pass you by.

If I'd stayed home (like I wanted to) or, if I'd left (like I wanted to), or if I'd jumped off that bridge in Long Beach, I would've missed out on the best thing goin': Me & Nik.


Don't deny yourself the opportunity to make a connection with somebody. Ever.

[FezsAssistant]

I've been feeling the same way lately, too. I'm alone and very depressed as well.
As far as women...sometimes they just change their minds. I know how you feel and often feel that way myself, but don't take it so personally. I would just say to be patient and in the words of Ron..."fuck it". I should take this advice myself.
I hope you've been feeling better.

[commish13]

For those who still give a damn, I'm doing fine now. I just had a bad moment on Thursday that got triggered by a couple things, but after sleeping it off, I felt decent on Friday, and I had a good day today. I'm up and down and really all over the place, but I'm staying positive and I'm not going to concentrate on day-to-day annoyances. Right now it's best to try to figure out the big picture as best I can, and then work in small steps toward getting there.

I don't quite know where I'm going to go from here, but as of now I'm doing well, I feel good, and whatever was really getting to me on Thursday seems now like it was far in the past. I'll handle my shit, and I am getting closer and closer to the "fuck it" attitude that I've been striving for.

Thanks again, peoples.

[MacVittie]

I was pretty much in your exact same shoes in 2003. Moving out of your parents house will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

[fezident]

Happy to hear it.

[commish13]

I was pretty much in your exact same shoes in 2003. Moving out of your parents house will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to getting out of here as soon as I can, but I still have to get over my anxiety problems before I can do it. I have to get a job and I have to get things going with my future plans, and then once I have some money for myself and an idea as to where I'm going to be moving to, then I'll be able to leave. It's all in my plans, I just still have to work toward getting myself to the point where I am able to do it.

[Aggie]

Commish, Glad to hear you're feeling better. I started a thread similar to this a few months ago so I know how those days can feel.

Hearing about somebody elses happiness might SEEM like a bad idea right now but, hear me out.


About 2 years ago, I was still married to a woman I was crazy about. I loved her deeply. She eventually got into showbusiness too and eventually met somebody a little higher up the showbiz ladder then I was.
One day, she stopped the car at a redlight, looked at me and said, "I can't be with you anymore." .... and that was it.

For three months, I tried and cried. I really let myself slip into darkness. I'd been clinically depressed for many many years but THIS was the catalyst for a whole new level of "funk".
I was suicidal.

I left Toronto (where I'd moved to be with her) to come back to NYC.
Two days after I left, I went to a friend's wedding. Everybody I'd ever really cared about was at this beautiful wedding on the water. I could not have cared less. I was absolutely overwrought with sadness.
It didn't help matters that every two seconds, somebody would come up to me and ask "HEY! WHERE'S MEG?!"

Like an idiot, I went outside to call her. I walked along the boardwalk (alone) and groveled to come "home". She responded "you ARE home."

I never came so close to suicide in my entire life. I seriously contemplated jumping into the water. I more than contemplated it. I actually kinda sorta moved to do it.


I went back inside to grab my suit jacket, which was still wrinkled from the suitcase, and started to head for the door. "FUCK THIS... I'M OUTTA HERE, LOSERS."


And then I saw Niki. Seriously... it was like something out of a movie. I swear to god it was as if, somehow, there was a spotlight on her. I was stunned. Absolutely breathtaking. She was beautiful... and she had an awesome vibe. And... she had a Jayne Mansfield thing goin' on. STUNNING.


I sat down at my table and started to eat something for the first time in days/weeks. My friend said "hey... did you see that chick that looks like she stepped outta the 1950ies?!" And I replied "Yes I did. And after I finish my salad... I'm gonna walk over there a start the rest of my life over with her."

And that is exactly what happened.



Niki and I dated seriously for over a year. She changed my life. She SAVED my life. She didn't "distract" me from my problems. She made me so much happier that I no longer really had problems. She elevated me.



My point is;
Don't let this depression be an anchor. As tough as it may be, find the energy to experience things. To leave your cacoon. To interact. Positivity really might be right around the corner. The law of averages states that one day, SOMETHING will go your way eventually. Don't be alone in your dojo on that day or it will pass you by.

If I'd stayed home (like I wanted to) or, if I'd left (like I wanted to), or if I'd jumped off that bridge in Long Beach, I would've missed out on the best thing goin': Me & Nik.


Don't deny yourself the opportunity to make a connection with somebody. Ever.

This is one of the coolest, most romantic stories I've ever heard! It really sounds like a movie. I'm so happy for you and her. This story made me smile. :smile:

[CofyCrakCocaine]

Great to hear budday. Glad you're doing better. Been in the same boat, actually gotten off and back on it a couple times, so's I know the struggle. And Fezident's story was pretty kickass.

And as MacVit said, moving out makes a world of difference. U'll get there someday.