Relationship Ultimatums. When Are they Good??

[Leticia]

I know someone who's girlfriend actually told him that they are through if he watches porn.


Seriously.

This is a true story.


When are ultimatums ok??

All the ones I've ever seen are stupid and are not worth destroying a relationship over.

In the cases I've seen women have been most of the ones to do this... but why??

Even men who have told their girlfriends that if they ever smoke weed their relationship is over!


WHy people??!!

Why would you do this to someone you love???

Wouldn't you rather work through whatever bothers you that much?

I feel like ultimatums are people's way of dealing with their own closed mindedness on those issues.

The closest Chris and I ever came to giving each other ultimatums is saying we don't want to be unfaithful to each other,lol. I think that's reasonable.

[Furtherman]

I feel like ultimatums are people's way of dealing with their own closed mindedness on those issues.

Yep.

Tell that guy to get a new girl.

[Death Metal Moe]

Ultimatums are good when you're willing to gamble. Because the other person could always call your bluff and tell you to go fuck your mother.

No one is 100% bulletproof.

[Aggie]

I agree with you Leticia but some things are "deal breakers" for people. If it is something that will literally bother you for the rest of your life and you'll never get over, I think you should tell that person. But with the full understanding that they might end it.

If you truly love someone you will accept them and all of their bad habits and things that bother you, but not everyone is that committed.

[JerseyRich]

The only ultimatum that is valid in my mind is telling someone to quit drugs or alcohol or you are leaving them.

The other would be if they are cheating on you...Give her/him up or I'm out.

Other than that, ultimatums are lame and for the weak.

[Furtherman]

Dammit Rich, I'm not giving up drinking!!

[~Katja~]

The only ultimatum that is valid in my mind is telling someone to quit drugs or alcohol or you are leaving them.



That was the only ultimatum I ever gave someone. And even then I tried to work through it first and it got to the point where my own health and well being was at risk, so he had to stop or it was going to end.
To tell the truth I still did not have the strength on my own back then to go that final step, but my best friend from Germany came to visit and put some sense into me. What I had long realized needed to be ended was finally done and over with.


The other would be if they are cheating on you...Give her/him up or I'm out.

That on doesn't work for me. Usually (not in all cases) by that point the relationship has already gone dead, especially if the other has long term affairs... there is no need for an ultimatum...

[west milly Tom]

I've gotton lots of ultimatems, and lots of new chics.

[Death Metal Moe]

I know someone who's girlfriend actually told him that they are through if he watches porn.


Seriously.

This is a true story.


When are ultimatums ok??

All the ones I've ever seen are stupid and are not worth destroying a relationship over.

In the cases I've seen women have been most of the ones to do this... but why??

Even men who have told their girlfriends that if they ever smoke weed their relationship is over!


WHy people??!!

Why would you do this to someone you love???

Wouldn't you rather work through whatever bothers you that much?

I feel like ultimatums are people's way of dealing with their own closed mindedness on those issues.

The closest Chris and I ever came to giving each other ultimatums is saying we don't want to be unfaithful to each other,lol. I think that's reasonable.

Listen Letica, if you don't stop double and triple spacing your posts.....

IT'S OVER HONEY!!!!!

[JerseyRich]

That on doesn't work for me. Usually (not in all cases) by that point the relationship has already gone dead, especially if the other has long term affairs... there is no need for an ultimatum...

I gave that one, and I just didn't believe her answer...so I packed up and got out.

[Leticia]

I agree with you Leticia but some things are "deal breakers" for people. If it is something that will literally bother you for the rest of your life and you'll never get over, I think you should tell that person. But with the full understanding that they might end it.

If you truly love someone you will accept them and all of their bad habits and things that bother you, but not everyone is that committed.

There's a better way to bring up things that seriously bother you than just giving them an ultimatum.
It can either be worded better, like " I'm not sure I can deal with this" or " I can't see myself getting over this"

I feel like it the this or me saying that disturbs me.

The only ultimatum that is valid in my mind is telling someone to quit drugs or alcohol or you are leaving them.


I went out with someone who gave me this ultimatum and it wasn't worth it. They had overreacted and made it seem as if I couldn't be around them unless I had either.
That was untrue and drank maybe 3 times a week. (i was a bartender as well)
As far as drugs went, I understand if I was involved with something serious that needed an intervention but this was not the case. I was 21 and liked smoking pot and occasionally doing shrooms. (in case you're doubting my use of the word occasional, I mean once every 6 months or so)


That was the only ultimatum I ever gave someone. And even then I tried to work through it first and it got to the point where my own health and well being was at risk, so he had to stop or it was going to end.
To tell the truth I still did not have the strength on my own back then to go that final step, but my best friend from Germany came to visit and put some sense into me. What I had long realized needed to be ended was finally done and over with.


This does seem like you handled it reasonably and can see how an ultimatum would fit into this situation.


Listen Letica, if you don't stop double and triple spacing your posts.....

IT'S OVER HONEY!!!!!

I don't know why I do it!!! I'm sorry!!!






Don't leave me!!!



.

[Death Metal Moe]

I don't know why I do it!!! I'm sorry!!!

Don't leave me!!!




....awww, I can't stay mad at you. Even when you quintuple space your apology to me.

[Farmer Dave]

Doesn't the ultimatum just make the recipient resentful ? Just suck it up and bury your feelings deep inside.

[LaBoob]

Don't you think ultimatums are useful? It forces a couple to think: can we go on this way or not? If you each feel strongly about your opinion or instincts, or just think the other person is being completely unreasonable, then the two probably shouldn't be together.

If someone feels strongly enough about something to leave me, I want to know about it. Then I can decide whether or not it's something worth giving up. I don't LIKE ultimatums... I would hope that there is enough communication to not necessitate ultimatums, but that isn't the case often enough.

[grlNIN]

I think the most obvious way to avoid giving ultimatums is to know the person you are dating before it becomes a serious thing.

If you are not into smoking on any level, than why date a smoker? It's avoidable. If they are aware of your intolerance to the habits and pick them up anyway? Then you know how much they don't give a shit about you.

Relationship wise i have only given an ultimatum once and it concerned my boyfriend cutting the financial umbilical cord between himself and his mother. It was met and there have been little to no problems regarding it since.

[Leticia]

Don't you think ultimatums are useful? It forces a couple to think: can we go on this way or not? If you each feel strongly about your opinion or instincts, or just think the other person is being completely unreasonable, then the two probably shouldn't be together.

If someone feels strongly enough about something to leave me, I want to know about it. Then I can decide whether or not it's something worth giving up. I don't LIKE ultimatums... I would hope that there is enough communication to not necessitate ultimatums, but that isn't the case often enough.

I think there are just better ways to discuss what you may feel strongly about besides giving an ultimatum. Even if it does depend on whether you will stay with them or not because of it.
I agree that there are certain things that will break a couple up if they are not attended to but it is such a crazy way of handling it.

I think the most obvious way to avoid giving ultimatums is to know the person you are dating before it becomes a serious thing.

If you are not into smoking on any level, than why date a smoker? It's avoidable. If they are aware of your intolerance to the habits and pick them up anyway? Then you know how much they don't give a shit about you.


Although there a re some situations and things you just don't think about before you start dating a person, the smoking example you gave was right on point.
The same person that gave me the drinking ultimatum also told me to quit smoking cigarettes.
Funny enough I ended up breaking up with him and quitting.
I did it cause I wanted to and not for him.
Ultimatums sometimes suggest to a person that they should change a part of themselves for the other person.
Sometimes the person should just change for themselves.
I took out all my spaces!!

[ohioscouser]

My fiancee's only ultimatum that we have with each other is if we are unfaithful then we will separate, which i think is very reasonable.

[happytypinggirl]

I know someone who's girlfriend actually told him that they are through if he watches porn.


Seriously.

This is a true story.


When are ultimatums ok??

All the ones I've ever seen are stupid and are not worth destroying a relationship over.

In the cases I've seen women have been most of the ones to do this... but why??

Even men who have told their girlfriends that if they ever smoke weed their relationship is over!


WHy people??!!

Why would you do this to someone you love???

Wouldn't you rather work through whatever bothers you that much?

I feel like ultimatums are people's way of dealing with their own closed mindedness on those issues.

The closest Chris and I ever came to giving each other ultimatums is saying we don't want to be unfaithful to each other,lol. I think that's reasonable.

never okay. the best you can do is express unhappiness with the behavior. if the person still wants to do it and you cant live with it, you have to move on. leave and tell him why you're leaving. he always then has the option of saying...really? did it bother you that much? well its not important to me, i'll stop.

but never ever ever an ultimatum.

[Marc with a c]

ultimatum sounds likes such a good thing.

[King Hippos Bandaid]

9 years dating no engagement ring seems fair to give an ultimatum for 10 years or we are through

[Leticia]

never okay. the best you can do is express unhappiness with the behavior. if the person still wants to do it and you cant live with it, you have to move on. leave and tell him why you're leaving. he always then has the option of saying...really? did it bother you that much? well its not important to me, i'll stop.

but never ever ever an ultimatum.

QFT

9 years dating no engagement ring seems fair to give an ultimatum for 10 years or we are through

Even this is not a good reason. Why does a ring change everything?

Marriage is a great thing, but not a requirement for(eternal) love.

[King Hippos Bandaid]

QFT



Even this is not a good reason. Why does a ring change everything?

Marriage is a great thing, but not a requirement for love.


wasting 10 years on a guy and not getting married, would destroy 8 out of 10 women

you may have to put your foot down 10 years and no ring or chance of a future together kinda sucks

[jauble]

wasting 10 years on a guy and not getting married, would destroy 8 out of 10 women

you may have to put your foot down 10 years and no ring or chance of a future together kinda sucks

8 out of 10 jewish women's mothers.

[~Katja~]

Even this is not a good reason. Why does a ring change everything?

Marriage is a great thing, but not a requirement for(eternal) love.

EXACTLY!

[cougarjake13]

i'd have to say never


unless you're doing some kind of harm to yourself or your partner

[grlNIN]

Dating for years with no mention of engagement and marriage is purely a case by case situation.

I know people who have been dating for over 10 years and ar enot engaged, it works for them so be it.

To me, personally, dating 8 years with not even a plan for engagement is like a guy saying he wants to take things slow and not be in a "serious" relationship.

It's basically a guy's way of saying "i like that you screw me, lets leave it at that".

[Leticia]

wasting 10 years on a guy and not getting married, would destroy 8 out of 10 women

you may have to put your foot down 10 years and no ring or chance of a future together kinda sucks

I can see that some women may want to be married but I hardly consider 10 years with someone a waste just because you won't be claiming them on your taxes as your spouse.

I know people that have agreed that marriage is not for them. They'd rather enjoy their marriage together without making a big deal out of it. I am married but that was a choice we both made.

Anyway, isn't 7 years living together common law marriage? I'm sure it differs state to state.

But I do know what you're saying Hippo!!! I also know people who don't want to be with someone unless they know there is a possibility of marriage. I don't completely disagree, just saying some people don't consider not getting married "wasting their time"

[~Katja~]

i'd have to say never


unless you're doing some kind of harm to yourself or your partner

that's not never then

[underdog]

When are penultimatums good?

[happytypinggirl]

wasting 10 years on a guy and not getting married, would destroy 8 out of 10 women

you may have to put your foot down 10 years and no ring or chance of a future together kinda sucks


then just leave. forced marriage = bad marriage most of the time

or alternatively, just ask him to marry you and if he says no...you leave.

[CofyCrakCocaine]

I'd think it's safe to say that 98% of all ultimatums are a psychological justification for breaking up with someone when they can't meet a certain demand. "Oh I gave so and so a chance, I told them to do this, they didn't, so now it's OK for me to leave or cheat or charge the card blah blah blah" - I'm not saying that's all ultimatums, but that's pretty much the purpose they serve for those couples who don't make it.

As said before, there are some necessary ultimatums, such as the person is doing a shitty habit (drugs, hookers, drinking, etc.) that is probably going to wind up with someone getting hurt if it persists... some people also need a kick to the teeth before they shape up and it winds up being good for them.

Then there are preference ultimatums, such as "cheer the fuck up or I'm leaving" or "stop doing what you like because I don't like it", which fall into the upper 98% previously mentioned and are complete bullshit justifications. If you don't like a relationship, leave. Don't make ultimatums. This includes ultimatums about marriage, which I personally think dilute the fucking hell out of most relationships anyway. 'Course if you REALLY love someone and they're destroying themselves, then an ultimatum might be useful. Might be.

Jesus fucking christ how many times did I say "ultimatum" in this post? Ted's Ultimatum Emporium!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[paracetamol flanders]

When are penultimatums good?

When you are angry at Teller

[patsopinion]

right before the relationship is going to end because of a large but fixeable problem

like please dont poop on my chest any more

[Friday]

I can see that some women may want to be married but I hardly consider 10 years with someone a waste just because you won't be claiming them on your taxes as your spouse.

I know people that have agreed that marriage is not for them. They'd rather enjoy their marriage together without making a big deal out of it. I am married but that was a choice we both made.

Anyway, isn't 7 years living together common law marriage? I'm sure it differs state to state.

But I do know what you're saying Hippo!!! I also know people who don't want to be with someone unless they know there is a possibility of marriage. I don't completely disagree, just saying some people don't consider not getting married "wasting their time"

qft.
all of the above.

:wub:

[paracetamol flanders]

Ultimatums should only be delivered by people who possess a death ray.

[Leticia]

then just leave. forced marriage = bad marriage most of the time

or alternatively, just ask him to marry you and if he says no...you leave.

Exactly! I asked Chris to marry me and we're now married! Fuck waiting for him to do it first! lol.

Ultimatums should only be delivered by people who possess a death ray.

This is also true.

[happytypinggirl]

Exactly! I asked Chris to marry me and we're now married! Fuck waiting for him to do it first! lol.



This is also true.

were there vaginal gestures invovled?

:clap::clap::clap:

[Leticia]

Lol, I'm pretty sure there were.

It wouldn't be a proposal without any vaginal gestures!

[Sue_Bender]

When are ultimatums ok??



When you get what you want.