Creepy Thought or Valid Question?

[King Hippos Bandaid]

In this day of 50% percent divorces, is it out of the realm to have "lease" weddings

make a 5 ( no kids) 10 or 20 year lease where after that time, you can opt out at 50/50

maybe after 5 years, you may not be right for each other, why go through a divorce, just cut ties

you also may want to lease to buy, meaning after the 5 10 or 20 years , you can marry till "death do you part"

ofcourse like in cars , you can just get married, it will always be an option

but in younger couples, you may want a 5 year trial lease


if you cheat or do something to end the Lease, you can still be liable and lose more $$ and stuff



creepy or valid


you tell me...

[Marc with a c]

what's next, zip wives?

[drjoek]

what's next, zip wives?

I think they're already available on craigslist.
I don't think thats what they're listed as though

[weekapaugjz]

isn't that what pre-nups are for?

[jauble]

Did you get a relationship ultimatum or something? This sounds like a 50/50 prenup to me.

[Marc with a c]

you're fat

[King Hippos Bandaid]

nah, I just see idiots get married with the fake over lovey dovey crap

I can smell the divorce once there is turbulence


nothing to do with me

a pre nup is for people with money, im talking starter couples, who may not have money, but may have rushed into love

[weekapaugjz]

a pre nup is for people with money, im talking starter couples, who may not have money, but may have rushed into love

no its not, its for anybody who doesn't want to get hosed by the courts if they ever do get divorced.

[King Hippos Bandaid]

you're fat

I hope your star recruit gets scurvy and a fat kid has to start at SS

[cougarjake13]

In this day of 50% percent divorces, is it out of the realm to have "lease" weddings

make a 5 ( no kids) 10 or 20 year lease where after that time, you can opt out at 50/50

maybe after 5 years, you may not be right for each other, why go through a divorce, just cut ties

you also may want to lease to buy, meaning after the 5 10 or 20 years , you can marry till "death do you part"

ofcourse like in cars , you can just get married, it will always be an option

but in younger couples, you may want a 5 year trial lease


if you cheat or do something to end the Lease, you can still be liable and lose more $$ and stuff



creepy or valid


you tell me...



most men will say valid


most women will say creepy




and no women would agree to this b/c then theyd say why bother if you cant commit

[TooLowBrow]

In this day of 50% percent divorces





you tell me...

50% is divorces.
what is the % of unhappy, cheating, bored...?
id like to know the % of happily married couples

[west milly Tom]

One woman, one marriage, for life. I'm just that way.

[led37zep]

nah, I just see idiots get married with the fake over lovey dovey crap


Hippo just got uninvited to my wedding.

[TooLowBrow]

In this day of 50% percent divorces





you tell me...

50% is divorces.
what is the % of unhappy, cheating, bored...?
id like to know the % of happily married couples

[Thebazile78]

50% is divorces.
what is the % of unhappy, cheating, bored...?
id like to know the % of happily married couples

The National Marriage Project does an annual report on this exact topic called "The State of Our Unions"

You can get the 2007 report here:

http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SOOU/TEXTSOOU2007.htm

For more info about the National Marriage Project go to their main website here:

http://marriage.rutgers.edu/

And I don't think Hippos' lease-to-buy idea is creepy. But, of course, I just called it cohabitating.

[drjoek]

Here's an analogy, you have a big bag of barbecue potato chips. Its on the shelf and you're trying to lose some weight for the holidays. The bag is unopened vs has one of those chip clips after you had a couple with your BLT. Which is going to last? The tenet that marriage is "until death do us part" can tide you through some rough patches rather than "I'm out of here." You will not save doomed relationships but it does get some through knowing they made a commitment to a person forever. I've been married 23 years by the way and eaten tons of barbecue potato chips

[Furtherman]

creepy or valid

Perfectly valid.

However, every question you ask sounds creepy.

[Ritalin]

Here's an analogy, you have a big bag of barbecue potato chips. Its on the shelf and you're trying to lose some weight for the holidays. The bag is unopened vs has one of those chip clips after you had a couple with your BLT. Which is going to last? The tenet that marriage is "until death do us part" can tide you through some rough patches rather than "I'm out of here." You will not save doomed relationships but it does get some through knowing they made a commitment to a person forever. I've been married 23 years by the way and eaten tons of barbecue potato chips

I feel the exact same way, only about Doritos.

[Thebazile78]

Here's an analogy, you have a big bag of barbecue potato chips. Its on the shelf and you're trying to lose some weight for the holidays. The bag is unopened vs has one of those chip clips after you had a couple with your BLT. Which is going to last? The tenet that marriage is "until death do us part" can tide you through some rough patches rather than "I'm out of here." You will not save doomed relationships but it does get some through knowing they made a commitment to a person forever. I've been married 23 years by the way and eaten tons of barbecue potato chips

The thing is, a lot of younger couples may not necessarily have the model of a solid, work-it-out, communicate a lot, type of a marriage.

Think about it: divorce is something a lot of kids have never dealt with as a stigmatized institution. There was a hypothesis put forth a few years ago regarding "starter marriages" being a trend for younger couples. (Book Review of Pamela Paul's "The Starter Marriage" on Slate.com from February 2002. LINK: Child Brides: Are "starter marriages" new? (http://www.slate.com/id/2061596/))

Which I thought was ridiculous, because I believe in marriage-for-life myself, but after reading about it (and calming down to be a little more rational) I could see how it might be observed that people DON'T think that marriage is supposed to be for "better or worse; richer or poorer; in sickness or in health; 'til death do [you] part" ... divorce is relatively easy in many states ("no-fault" divorce statutes have had an impact on that) and if you don't have kids, the only thing you're divvying up is property.

I'm not going to imply that it's painless (because as JerseyRich will tell you, it's fucking murder) or cheap (even bad divorce lawyers are pricey) but it's "easy" and common. Doesn't make it right, but there it is.

[drjoek]

Absolutely right the few of the friends I have that have gone through divorces came from broken homes (is that an outdated term?)
A lot of the people I know who are together long term came from 2 parent homes. And even though Ron frowns on it have a religious background. At least to spome extent. The Catholic church,my background, for good or bad has kept many families together. Who's to say if its for the best but to me it benefits children to have both parents. Isn't ther good of children the most important thing?

[Don Stugots]

You could just live together for a few years to see what it is like living the other person but I like the idea.

[Jujubees2]

Married 15 years to a woman from a divorced family (which I think may increase my chances of divorce).

I think you should have to renew your marriage license every five years or so. That way, if it doesn't work out, you don't have to go through a divorce, just let your license expire and be done with it.

[midwestjeff]

I think marriages should be all or nothing.

If you have to suffer the bullshit of a divorce, tough shit.
If you only want a five year trial don't propose.

Besides, if we start leasing brides, what's next?
Leasing a moose?

[Boogie in Va]

I think you should have to renew your marriage license every five years or so. That way, if it doesn't work out, you don't have to go through a divorce, just let your license expire and be done with it.

That is actually a good idea.

[King Hippos Bandaid]

im starving doc BBQ Kettle Chips for life


btw I am all about death do you part


but see friends who look to have a fairy tale esque relationship on the outside not living together , once they are married calling it quits


I knew there would be ups and downs and I love the friendship that goes along with the love, we were arguing and acting like a married couple well before I said i do

[Bob Impact]

Valid question but the flaws involved lie in the people not the institution. You shouldn't get married if you're that worried about a divorce, and in the case of a divorce neither party is entitled to more than they realistically earned, the people are asking for more than that. For example when sarah and I get married I will not ask for a prenup despite the fact that I make signifigantly more than her, primarily because I don't rationally
think we would get divorced, but also because her aid and support helped me to earn what I do.

[skyscraper]

it's a contract, like any other contract. if you break it, there are penalties to pay, hence the prenup. but like other contracts, you should be allowed to renegotiate the terms.

[Thebazile78]

Absolutely right the few of the friends I have that have gone through divorces came from broken homes (is that an outdated term?)
A lot of the people I know who are together long term came from 2 parent homes. And even though Ron frowns on it have a religious background. At least to spome extent. The Catholic church,my background, for good or bad has kept many families together. Who's to say if its for the best but to me it benefits children to have both parents. Isn't ther good of children the most important thing?

I disagree with divorce being a major factor in why your friends got divorced or religion being a major factor in why you and your wife are still together after 23 years. I don't deny that it probably plays some role, but it's not the only (or even the biggest) reason. There are a number of other things that go into divorce than just coming from a divorced home. (Yes, people still use the term "broken home" and I personally find it offensive. It's not broken!)

My parents, who are both pre-Vatican II cradle-Catholics, divorced when I was 16 after being married for almost 18 years. Being the eldest of 4, this was really hard on me and my idea of "marriage as forever" was upended in the resulting chaos, nastiness and bitterness of the divorce and custody dispute. My mother did a lot of things that she's not so proud of and my father still hasn't forgiven her for some of them. (Incidentally, my father got custody of the 4 of us. He's the better parent.)

For years I was TERRIFIED of repeating my parents' mistakes and stated on numerous occasions that marriage was not necessarily in my future. I lived with my husband for almost 5 years before we got married - this taught us a LOT about our communication styles, habits (good, bad and indifferent) and expectations for long-term commitments. We're still learning, but that's what a marriage is - a work-in-progress. I am sure that, after 23 years with your wife, Dr. Joe, that there are still things you both learn how to do better ... heck, my mother's parents have been married 55 years and they still learn things about each other.

After examining the issues my parents experienced, I concluded that they got married because they both needed to move out of their parents' homes. (This is not necessarily the case, but it's my opinion based on what they both told me. It's funny how mismatched they were.)

It's my opinion that, in the years since the divorce, my parents have been kind of growing up like teenagers sent off to college and moving out on their own, finding their own way. This is kind of cute, in a way, because they constantly tell me about things I do that they never would've thought of at my age (or younger) because they didn't have x, y or z skill/attitude/understanding, etc.

I also don't agree with staying together "for the sake of the children." That's 50's-era bullshit and a codependent mentality. Kids know when you're miserable or faking it; they are not idiots. Staying together "for the sake of the children" is an excuse.

My parents were miserable together.
That made life miserable in our house.

Children learn what they see ... therefore, we were all miserable.

All 4 of us have short fuses, but compound that with the stress of our parents fighting or sniping or bickering or whatever and you have 4 very disturbed kids.

It was fucking hellacious until my mother moved out. Ask my brothers and my sister if you don't believe me.

Even in two-parent households, children have a primary caregiver and a secondary caregiver. In our house, it was Dad and sometimes Mom (even when Mom was a stay-at-home parent.) After the divorce, that didn't change for us, except that Dad got a bit more resentful of Mom being able to drop in once a week and call it "parenting."

Every family is different, though. We lucked out that there was enough love to keep us going.

[SuperKarateMonkeyDeathFez]

Enough with the serious responses. The correct answer is, "yes, Hippo, every thought you have is a creepy thought."

[drjoek]

Very good points just a couple of clarifications for me. I did not mean to imply that the divorced friends were the major reason just that it seemed like the trend with my friends. And I agree about staying together for the kids is bullshit BUT I do think kids living in a 2 parent home Is an advantage.

[Thebazile78]

Very good points just a couple of clarifications for me. I did not mean to imply that the divorced friends were the major reason just that it seemed like the trend with my friends. And I agree about staying together for the kids is bullshit BUT I do think kids living in a 2 parent home Is an advantage.

I disagree about the 2-parent home. It depends. If you're actively parenting, then, sure, great, do that. But a lot of folks expect one or the other parent to do 90% of the work 100% of the time ... so how is that different from having a visitation once a month? (Srsly. I was more of a parent to my siblings for a couple of summers while my mother was in nursing school ... and after the divorce, I had a lot of responsibility for getting the sibs out the door to swim lessons or whatever. When I was in high school, I even took my sister to a school play that I was performing in because my brothers were roughhousing so badly I couldn't in good conscience leave her home with them. Another time, I brought her to a chorale rehearsal that we had to walk several miles in the rain to get to ... because I couldn't leave her home by herself.)

I think that having a stable environment where your children are loved is important. Your actions are what matter. If you lay out the groundwork for your kids to make good decisions, and accept the consequences of their actions, you've done your job.

Whether that means you've got a two-parent household or not doesn't make a difference as long as you teach your kids the basics - don't cheat, don't lie, don't steal, don't hit other kids, but if you do, there will be consequences - and you love them anyway, you'll do the best you can.

We do approach this from different places, I think. Mostly a "generational gap" although I hate to say that, but it's true. We've had different experiences with the issue.

And, by having this discussion, we've totally derailed the thread.

[Contra]

If you don't live with someone for at least a few years before marrying them you are just naïve and careless. That's all this "lease" idea is.

I've lived with my chick for about 3 years now and I'm not sure how close we are to marriage. That's due to my own experieces with marriage from family and my parents. Hell I've already been engaged as some of you know and that ended horribly. There are so many factors and personal experiences that any end all be all reasons for divorce just don't exsist.

[ahhdurr]

valid.