What is the BEST way I can support my BF. Her mom has cancer.

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

I've known my BF since 1972 when we met in kindergarten. I just love her so much!!!

Her mom was just recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I went through this 21 years ago when my dad had cancer and died. You'd think I'd know how to handle this but I don't.

We just spent two hours on the phone laughing and crying. I feel SO helpless when she cries. All I can say is, "It's ok, sweetheart! Everything you're feeling is normal. NEVER question it!"

I suppose I'm doing all I can do at the moment. I just HATE seeing her in such pain.

[ToiletCrusher]

You're already doing the BEST you can.

I lost my dad almost 5 years ago to adenocarcenoma (lung cancer). I have since then seen friends lose their parents. All you can do is be there. Listen, laugh, just be there for when they need it. Nothing more could or will help. Just make it aware that you are always going to be there.

[DiabloSammich]

Just went through this a little over a year ago with my mom, and the best thing I can tell you is to just be around her to hang out. What helped me get through the most were people who just wanted to hang, talk about their day, what's going on in the world, etc. I could only take so much of "If there's anything I can do..." and "How are you holding up..."


In other words, just be her friend.

[tele7]

Very sorry to hear about your friends mom. My co-worker was recently diagnosed with stage 4Goblet Cell Carcinoma. We are extremely close and have become even closer as a result. She just had her first chemo treatment at Sloan Kettering on Thursday. It's a very rare Cancer and I now regret googling it. Unlike your friends mom, she is in little pain. Thank God for that. Sorry for the tangent, but maybe I needed to vent as well.

Much like everyone else has said already...Just be there. I'm sure you will be. I make it a point to visit on a weekly basis. It means the world to her to just hang out and try to have a few laughs.

[PerryWinkle]

i'm not a real good person when it comes to this stuff, but all I can say is, you are doing everything you can. In fact, by coming here, you prove even more that you are being a great friend, looking for any "wisdom" that you can use to help your friend (and you) in this situation. Just keep being the best friend you already are.

[Recyclerz]

Aside from seconding what everybody else has said, the only other suggestion I have is to offer to handle some day to day chores for your friend. As you know, being there for a sick loved one puts such demands on your time there is little left to keep your own life going, so if someone picks up some of that slack it is a great relief.

[ScottFromGA]

just being there is all you can really do.


being on the side of having the dying parent, I wouldn't want to see anyone else in the shoes I once had to fill.......its the only advice that I would have.

[Bellyfullasnot]

I'm sorry to hear about your friends mom. It sounds like your friend will have a lot of support with you being there for her.

When my wife's mom was dying of cancer we didn't have any money or childcare and she was in Florida. My neighbor had two tickets to Tampa from South west and gave them to us. Another neighbor volunteered to watch our kids for a few nights. I will always remember the relief that I felt when some of the "bases were covered". It gave me time to be there for my wife, and gave her time to stay @ the hospice until her mom passed on.

I guess any way that you "lighten" your friend's load will help her get through this.

[DarkHippie]

hugs and lots of em

[boosterp]

Awe, :wub:

I echo what was said here and it sounds like you are providing great support.

[Tallman388]

I agree with the "just be there" sentiment. At this point there's not much you can actually do, so just be a good friend. When the time comes, you will need to take her somewhere and have a good time, just some time to get away from the whole thing. My friends did it for me when my mom was dying (metasticized cancer cells in her nervous system) and it made life a lot less stressful.

[JohnGacysCrawlSpace]

ashleymadison.com is a great place to start.

[Death Metal Moe]

Very sorry to hear about this Petrina.

As for what you can do, you can't effect any of it so talking with her and asking her if you can help is all you can do.

[Knowledged_one]

ashleymadison.com is a great place to start.

do you not know what this forum is about on top of being not even remotely funny?

alice just be their for her when she needs you thats the best thing you can do

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

I love her beyond words and I want to help her as best I can. I just *HATE* when I hear things after the fact.

My best friend has been diagnosed with an anxiety issue (she's always had this) that causes her to PASS OUT. I remember her telling me this in college. She's passed out on the PATH train (I understand her embarrassment). Well, she never really disclosed this to her parents. She was at her parents' house last weekend, she passed out. She was told to sit still or lie down on the floor so she wouldn't get hurt. She decided she was ok to get to her childhood bed. WRONG!!!

She has a black eye. She also has a bandage on her nose, which she at least got to make a "Chinatown" joke with her dad.

If I hadn't called, I wouldn't have heard about this for weeks.

I'm just frustrated. I TOLD her I have the OK to take the day off to take her door-to-door to her mom's first chemo. She's not sure (I also understand her parents don't want her to come if it's going to cause her pain. I understand that too)

My frustration is WAY out of place. I KNOW she doesn't want to be a "bothered" but it hurts me when I know she's hurt and I can help (this has happened before; she passed out at an Irving Plaza Show. After the ER visit she took a $75 cab ride home). I asked her later WHY didn't she just call me. Her answer? "I didn't want to be a bother."

I know my ego is in the way, but I SO SO want to help her the way she helped me when I was in the hospital.

I will put my ego aside and let her work the way she works.

But does anyone else understand what I'm getting at?

[CofyCrakCocaine]

I love her beyond words and I want to help her as best I can. I just *HATE* when I hear things after the fact.

My best friend has been diagnosed with an anxiety issue (she's always had this) that causes her to PASS OUT. I remember her telling me this in college. She's passed out on the PATH train (I understand her embarrassment). Well, she never really disclosed this to her parents. She was at her parents' house last weekend, she passed out. She was told to sit still or lie down on the floor so she wouldn't get hurt. She decided she was ok to get to her childhood bed. WRONG!!!

She has a black eye. She also has a bandage on her nose, which she at least got to make a "Chinatown" joke with her dad.

If I hadn't called, I wouldn't have heard about this for weeks.

I'm just frustrated. I TOLD her I have the OK to take the day off to take her door-to-door to her mom's first chemo. She's not sure (I also understand her parents don't want her to come if it's going to cause her pain. I understand that too)

My frustration is WAY out of place. I KNOW she doesn't want to be a "bothered" but it hurts me when I know she's hurt and I can help (this has happened before; she passed out at an Irving Plaza Show. After the ER visit she took a $75 cab ride home). I asked her later WHY didn't she just call me. Her answer? "I didn't want to be a bother."

I know my ego is in the way, but I SO SO want to help her the way she helped me when I was in the hospital.

I will put my ego aside and let her work the way she works.

But does anyone else understand what I'm getting at?

Try not to take your friend's distance personally. That is probably the furthest thing from her intention. Everyone needs space at times... especially when there's a spotlight on them, negative or positive, and they hate the light. Besides, you can not save your friends from themselves. Only they can do that, and you help only after they've enlisted your help or are in some situation where they cannot function alone and have no say in the matter.

Another bit of advice... friendships are not mob partnerships. They aren't a contractual deal wherein in order to get favors you give favors- as such if she helped you out in the past, that's because she's your friend. Not because she owed you- and you would not be helping her out right now just because you owed her. I've had the bullshit notion of obligation tint my viewpoints on friendships in the past, and it was a mistaken outlook every time.

So yeah. Be there for her. When she comes to you, or is ready to have you over. You cannot force yourself into there. It doesn't make you a bad friend if she won't let you get close in the first place. And please. Lose this 'debt' nonsense. And yes, being powerless is a terrible thing. Much like how you are there for her, we are here for you. Oh and don't worry about ego, everybody's got one... last I checked it still don't make you a bad person.

[Thebazile78]

Fuzzy-P - I have a cancer-survivor friend who we often "threaten" to come and sit on if she doesn't take care of herself. Some people have a hard time realizing that your offers of help aren't meant to show that you feel they can't take care of themselves (which they probably can) but that you care about them and WANT to take care of them.

My Nana will do the same thing - "I don't want to be a bother" - and it drives me out of my mind sometimes.

You love your friend and you want her to be OK. On some level, I am sure, she knows that you love her and want her to be OK. Keep reminding her that you love her and want her to be OK. Maybe it'll sink in that you're not just making the offer so you'll get something in return but that you're making the offer because you love her and want her to be OK.

[El Mudo]

I love her beyond words and I want to help her as best I can. I just *HATE* when I hear things after the fact.

My best friend has been diagnosed with an anxiety issue (she's always had this) that causes her to PASS OUT. I remember her telling me this in college. She's passed out on the PATH train (I understand her embarrassment). Well, she never really disclosed this to her parents. She was at her parents' house last weekend, she passed out. She was told to sit still or lie down on the floor so she wouldn't get hurt. She decided she was ok to get to her childhood bed. WRONG!!!

She has a black eye. She also has a bandage on her nose, which she at least got to make a "Chinatown" joke with her dad.

If I hadn't called, I wouldn't have heard about this for weeks.

I'm just frustrated. I TOLD her I have the OK to take the day off to take her door-to-door to her mom's first chemo. She's not sure (I also understand her parents don't want her to come if it's going to cause her pain. I understand that too)

My frustration is WAY out of place. I KNOW she doesn't want to be a "bothered" but it hurts me when I know she's hurt and I can help (this has happened before; she passed out at an Irving Plaza Show. After the ER visit she took a $75 cab ride home). I asked her later WHY didn't she just call me. Her answer? "I didn't want to be a bother."

I know my ego is in the way, but I SO SO want to help her the way she helped me when I was in the hospital.

I will put my ego aside and let her work the way she works.

But does anyone else understand what I'm getting at?





Personally, NOTHING is more frustrating than wanting to help someone that won't let you "help" them. My parents are notorious for this, because they will get themselves into massive problems (or have to be rushed to the hospital) and will make excuses when they don't tell me or my sister that "we didn't want to alarm you". You just can't take it personally and get your feelings hurt when things like that happen

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

Thanks to everyone who replied. It made me feel better and less alone

But

friendships are not mob partnerships.

Thanks for pointing this out Tim. I forget this since I grew up in a family that was ALL titfortattitfortattitfortattitfortat. "I did this for YOU. NOW you OWE me!" It was exhausting! And it has NEVER been this way b/w Alice and I.

I guess I feel an extreme amount of guilt and wanting to help since she helped me so much. Your quote helped me put it into perspective.

Wednesday is her mom's first chemo treatment. It will last FIVE hours! I went through this with my dad but his longest treatment was maybe 3 hours.

I suppose I'll send her mom a card. She liked the teddy bear and flowers I sent her.

[BoondockSaint]

Thanks to everyone who replied. It made me feel better and less alone

But



Thanks for pointing this out Tim. I forget this since I grew up in a family that was ALL titfortattitfortattitfortattitfortat. "I did this for YOU. NOW you OWE me!" It was exhausting! And it has NEVER been this way b/w Alice and I.

I guess I feel an extreme amount of guilt and wanting to help since she helped me so much. Your quote helped me put it into perspective.

Wednesday is her mom's first chemo treatment. It will last FIVE hours! I went through this with my dad but his longest treatment was maybe 3 hours.

I suppose I'll send her mom a card. She liked the teddy bear and flowers I sent her.

Alice, I wish I could tell you something different

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

Alice, I wish I could tell you something different

I know. Thanks!

[K.C.]

Try not to take your friend's distance personally. That is probably the furthest thing from her intention. Everyone needs space at times...

Correct.

As much as someone may want to help, you can force the desire to help someone on them. You have to just give them whatever they seem to be looking for.

If they come to you, help them as you can. If they're distant, you just have to give them the space.

You put out the vibe that you're there to help if the person needs it, and then sit back and leave it up to them.

That's about all that can be done.