I hate myself.

[ShelleBink]

I'm incapable of commitment, I'm a basketcase, I don't have any passions, and every day just gets a lot worse. And this is how I've felt for not days... weeks... or months, but years. I have brief moments of happiness, but nothing that is really very everlasting. I'm learning that people I thought I could trust, I shouldn't have, and its burned me in the end. I used to give so much of myself to people emotionally, and now, I completely shut off and run away at the first moment someone shows me they care about me. I work at a job that has been testing my patience for weeks, and get little more than a pat on the back when others around me get promoted for doing far less. My family life is strange, and I've felt really alienated from them since I moved away. Every day I wish I could go back to when I was kid, and smack myself for not appreciating things when things were easier and I was happier. I just feel like I'm sucked into a black hole and I'm never going to come out on the other side.

[Death Metal Moe]

I am not unsimpathetic in any way because much of what you spoke of I went through or am currently dealing with, but for a large part of this it seems to be business as usual for life.

It takes A LOT of work to work your way out of a "funk" and draw positivity from other places. Places that don't exist in your head right now so they seem to not exist.

A "hang in there, things will get better" is the equivalent of an Opie "Good luck, bro" so I won't bother with it.

[Death Metal Moe]

One thing that did help me is when I started to understand that things I thought as "normal" didn't even exist. There isn't a "normal" family out there, yours is just what it is. There isn't a "normal" way everyone else feels, we're all fucking balls of emotion sometimes 2 steps away from crying, hiding our fragile little emotions away from the world like they're worth anything to anyone.

Wow, now I'm bummed out too.

My point was, examining what I thought I was hoping for help because I recognized my ideals in life weren't realistic because in many cases they just didn't exist.

There's not that one person who can anticipate my every move in life and understand me, we're all going through shit. There's not this perfect family that all have great jobs and get together every Christmas, exchange $5000 presents and go back to their perfect lives. There' not this perfect job that challenges you on the days you want a challenge and leaves you alone on the days you need to hang back.

I don't know, all these realizations helped me.

[Sinestro]

We can't choose the family we're born into. And sometimes we act and make decisions to protect ourselves from being hurt. You are not alone as you think, everyone hates something about themselves or goes through stages where they hate themselves. Heaven knows Sinestro goes through this too. Right now you probably feel like there is no hope and wished to revert back to happy times such as in childhoold but no one said growing up was easy. If it was we be all the same and life would be boring. Life and our experiences shape the person who we are and the choices we make. You seem like a nice, friendly and decent person from what I've seen from the board and at one of the events I've briefly met you at. It helps to talk about stuff and by taking the first step by sharing hopefully you'll get others viewpoints and learn from our life experiences that may or may not help you as everyone walks in their own moccassins.

I know it sounds clique but wish you the best of luck. And keep the faith.

[jennysmurf]

Oh, I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better. I know this won't help much, but there are many many people out there feeling just as you do right now. Sometimes, you have to do a little "trudging through" until you can work it all out. I'll chat with you whenever you want if that'll help. Sometimes talking to someone outside of your "life" can make you feel better. Let me know. :sad:

[BlackSpider]

I'm incapable of commitment, I'm a basketcase, I don't have any passions, and every day just gets a lot worse. And this is how I've felt for not days... weeks... or months, but years. I have brief moments of happiness, but nothing that is really very everlasting. I'm learning that people I thought I could trust, I shouldn't have, and its burned me in the end. I used to give so much of myself to people emotionally, and now, I completely shut off and run away at the first moment someone shows me they care about me. I work at a job that has been testing my patience for weeks, and get little more than a pat on the back when others around me get promoted for doing far less. My family life is strange, and I've felt really alienated from them since I moved away. Every day I wish I could go back to when I was kid, and smack myself for not appreciating things when things were easier and I was happier. I just feel like I'm sucked into a black hole and I'm never going to come out on the other side.




You're not alone...

[Gvac]

Shelle...I like you. Always have. Let me just say that you don't hate yourself because of the conditions you describe in your original post. The exact opposite is true; those conditions in your life exist because you hate yourself.

Think about it.

[A.J.]

A "hang in there, things will get better" is the equivalent of an Opie "Good luck, bro" so I won't bother with it.

True, but as someone who was in a similar place before, it CAN get better. I hope it does for you too Shelle.

[El Mudo]

True, but as someone who was in a similar place before, it CAN get better. I hope it does for you too Shelle.

To echo off that, I was in a similar place for a long time, and was extremely close to the edge there. There's a whole lot of people here that genuinely like you and want the best for you.

You're a good person Shelle...you've helped me out a few times when I needed someone to talk to, and I earnestly hope and pray that things will get better for you.

[ecobag2]

True, but as someone who was in a similar place before, it CAN get better. I hope it does for you too Shelle.

I'm going to second that. And add that it may just be your turn in the barrel. The good part is you let us know so you can be more aware of your situation and take a few steps toward changing what you can and accepting the rest.

Shaddabugre :bye:

[britneypablo]

Shelle...I like you. Always have. Let me just say that you don't hate yourself because of the conditions you describe in your original post. The exact opposite is true; those conditions in your life exist because you hate yourself.

Think about it.

perfect

[DOHO@HOME]

I went through a hate myself period and didn't tell anyone.
Everyone around me thought I was just being a real dick, which I was as I screamed inside.
I couldn't take it anymore and one day I stopped at a new gym in town and joined up.
It was the best thing I've ever done, I have something to look forward to and I feel so much better all around.
Everyone around me has started to see how much I've changed, so maybe this could work for you.
Hope you find peace within yourself.

[Jujubees2]

I'm so sorry to hear about the way you feel Shelle. Try to focus on the good things you have in life. I know it can be difficult but realize what a gift you have and that there are others in the world who are much less fortunate than you. Maybe you can volunteer someplace to help the less fortunate and by helping others, you can help yourself.

And I think everyone, at one time or another, wishes they could go back to being a kid (maybe I could finally hit that home run in Little League).

[Mullenax]

I don't know you (yet) but I can relate some.
If your job sucks and your friends can't be trusted, it's time for a some changes.
The job thing may have to wait, but you can fish around for a new place as long as you don't get caught...There's no overnight cure for liking yourself better, but at least if you feel like you're doing something about the other stuff, you can be proud about it.
Don't settle for a shitty life (even if you think you "deserve it" for all your "faults"). Find motivation, even if you have to force it, and don't be afraid to cut assholes out of your life -for a while- (even if they're family).

[Contra]

Shelle you are one of the most honest people I've met. You are compassionate, this much I know. Things you told me when we were first getting to know each other you didn't have to, and most people wouldn't, but you did in an effort to protect me in some way. That's compassion right there. Of course you got some bats in your belfry, but who doesn't have their quirks. It's what makes us unique, and you are a unique person. Shitty unappreciating job, join the club. Strange or odd family relationships, par for the course. Backstabbing friends, who HASN'T dealt with that? None of this defines who you are, unless you let it. You may have issues, but you are a sweet girl and someone I'm glad to have as a friend. I'm sure you have closer friends but if you ever want to vent you know my AIM name. Damn I wish there was a HUG emotocon, I'd IM you right now and give you one.

[ChrisTheCop]

I'm sorry your feeling this way.

But may I point out that so many people here love you, and only you hate you.

Youre outnumbered. Come out with your hands up.

[Death Metal Moe]

True, but as someone who was in a similar place before, it CAN get better. I hope it does for you too Shelle.

Yea, I agree. I was in a very bad place too, and it can get much better, but it takes a lot of time.

I just feel douchy with the "Hang in there" crap because I know it never helped me no matter how well intentioned the people giving them were. But if the message is "I was there and I can tell you there's a way out" then I'm all behind that.

[CofyCrakCocaine]

Everything always looks golden when it already happened, and whatever's gonna happen looks nice and shitty to the point where you think you can smell the dung from the present. That's just perception, fucking wit ya...

Nostalgia really blows ass.

Anyway, been in that situation many times before, and it's gotten better plenty of times... currently at the hopeful end of another shitty period in my life, and things are slowly getting better... but yeah, don't hate yourself. Something you don't like about u, you can always improve it, even if only a little bit at a time.

K, sure this won't help anybody anywhere, but that's my advice.

[Puggle_kicker]

Aww, you need a hug. People are awful.


http://www.all4humor.com/images/files/Tiger%20Hug.jpg

[Contra]

Awww now I want to hug a tiger.

[GreatAmericanZero]

u have the same name as my dog though. atleast u got that

[Friday]

hey darlin

i know we haven't spoken in awhile but you know that I know exactly what you are feeling, right?

i went through a HUGE hating myself period this year.... and let it affect relationships with people who i truly love, and i let it get the better of myself.... gaining tons of weight and basically giving up.
i implore you now not to do the same.

you have a job... albeit a not very pleasant place at the moment. so use that.... do well there but put your resume out and see if anyone bites. it can't hurt.
the ability to commit will come. i never felt the urge until this past year.... TWICE.
and i was engaged 6 years ago... but I have learned that loving ME is first... after that works, you can move on to being able to compromise, share, and do all the things that come with sharing a life with someone special. and you have tons of gifts to give, my dear... whoever gets to share that will be a blessed soul.

i know it must stink right now... wherever you may be. but there are good things out there.
reaching out is the first step to finding the light.
<3 you.

[DarkHippie]

You're a good kid, Red, and I like you. I think everyone here likes you. And we've all been in this kind of funk

Honestly, you're not saying anything that we havent all been through. that doesn't lessen the effect, but it does mean that you can lean on people and understand.

As you get older it becomes harder to give of yourself IMO. you get hurt too many times and become gunshy. But this is wisdom. Because you have been hurt before, you will know when the right one comes. You will, and you will not run away.

I know that things will get better

[sr71blackbird]

These feelings have come over me too, and all I can say is keep yourself in circulation, do not stay hidden at home, and the more experience you have and the more people you meet will help you overcome this. It happens to a lot of people, especially when they are younger, and it is all part of the learning experience. You will be fine, don't worry!

[ShelleBink]

I guess things are improving.

Last week, I just did a bunch of different things. Things I haven't done in a while, put off, and things that just make me happy. I went to a concert Thurs night, through chance someone I didn't know well had an extra ticket... and just alllllllllllllllllllll my tension released. It was cathartic in a way I can't describe, but I'm sure most people can relate to. I became excited about things again. I feel a bit happier, and just want to go on a creative streak. Whether it be writing, or just making something, the feeling that I can accomplish something is nice. Its just a matter of setting small goals and to-do lists and getting it done. I joined a gym. I can't wait to use the machines ((because they have TVs built in!)). I have ideas to write some screenplays with and I can't wait to start really doing character development. Work is work, but I'm glad I have a job, and things are changing there... hopefully for the better. We'll see how long this keeps going...

Thanks everyone, I'm sure I'll be posting again when things start slipping. Ha.