Passive Aggressive bullying boss

[WhistlePig]

My paycheck is 2 weeks late. I know my boss (I work for a small company) is having money trouble right now, but I asked about it because when I talked to a workmate, she had been paid on Monday (mine get mailed because I work from home right now while I have a young child but should have seen something by today if it was sent Monday, too). I got an email that just tore me a new asshole. This guy resents the shit out of me because for years it was only him and me running the business and I got him out of so many problems and worked so much overtime for free with no vacations. But that all changed 2 1/2 years ago when I had a baby and now work from home and do less than I used to, but I get paid by the page (I do publication design) so it's not like I'm on salary and am being paid for not working. I get paid for exactly what I do.

Here is the email he sent me:

You have a sweetheart deal because you earned it over years of long and frustrating nights. The least I could do was help make your transition to motherhood work. I'm happy I could do that.
These days though are tough, as you might imagine. But I don't know that you can imagine how tough. Some food for your thoughts:
Here's a list of the clients you handle who are paying on time:
XXX
XXX
Here's a list of the clients you handle that I have to chase for money:
XXX
XXX
XXX
XXX
I think you get the picture. I have to pay to keep the lights on, telephones lit, computers running, phones answered, taxes paid ... etc., etc... and see that you get paid on time regardless of who pays when. You get to work (hard) at home and don't have to worry about all that. Hey! Can I have that life? Can I take care of your daughter for a few weeks, months, years?
And ... on top of that, I'm afraid these days to give you extra work because, at your rate, I can't afford you! So, guess what? I'll do it instead ... late at night, early in the morning, on weekends, whatever. That's been OK with me because of all the things you did way back when.
You earned your leave and deserve nothing less.
But today? In this economy? How long should I be expected to bleed? What is it exactly that I owe you for all the things you did for me?
Today you are concerned that you are being taken advantage of. That's just not the case. Everybody bit the bullet this last pay period. Checks weren't any good until Tuesday. I'm not sure why XXX didn't write yours earlier, but I can imagine that she thought it would be pointless. You should ask her yourself if you don't believe me.
Are you treated different than the rest of the staff? Duh! Of course you are. You are the highest paid employee at XXX. You work in the comfort of your own home so you can take care of your daughter. You have earned that right and nobody resents that. But you are different. You are disconnected. You are remote. You are not around to help when the going gets rough.
You live in your world. We live in ours. We miss you and hope you come back soon.
BTW: Did I mention that I'll have to cash in my 401K funds this month to make payroll?
So, fuck you if you are pissed off. Look at life from my side of the fence.
Will always love you dearly.


I'm trying to think how I can even respond to this. I'm so pissed and incredulous at the same time. I should feel guilty because he doesn't know how to run a fucking business? I should feel guilty for asking to be paid for the work I've done? I should be held accountable when his clients that I work on don't pay?
I haven't written back yet because I have to think this through. But I don't want silence to convey that he is right. Are there any pseudo-psychiatrists that can help me here?

[Gvac]

Wow. This guy's ready to crack. Sounds like the mounting pressure plus the tough economy has him at his wits end.

It's obvious he thinks highly of you and is hurt you spoke to someone else instead of him personally. It is incredibly passive/aggressive of him to write that email, though.

Be understanding with him when you speak to him. He might snap.

[WhistlePig]

Yeah, I thought of a few things I could write back but didn't want to be responsible for him hanging on the end of a rope in the morning.
I'm glad I've taken time to cool down before responding. I pounded out some nasty replies but didn't send them.

[Gvac]

Good. Take the high road.

He seriously sounds mentally unstable.

I guess the guy sees his business about to fail and can't deal.

Can't say I blame him, but he was wrong to jump down your throat. He should have contacted you, apologized for the check being late, and explained himself and what a difficult time he's having.

He reacted out of frustration and fear, not anger toward you.

[WhistlePig]

Yes, if he had contacted me and said my check was going to be late, I would have been fine with that. Instead, he keeps me and the other employees in the dark about what is going on. The thing that sucks is I always get his wrath! It's like everyone takes advantage of him and the minute I meekly ask for something he blows up.

[WhistlePig]

You sure you want to help me with this Gvac? I am an old broad after all! :smile:

[WampusCrandle]

so, he is keeping you on a level playing field, with the constant "you deserve this and that and nothing else," but then you wonder where your pay check is and he is pissed? well, level playing field, give me my money. i know nothing of how deep the relationship goes between the two of you, but in the end, its boss/worker. and if he wants to keep a worker, pay them. yeah, he has a laundry list of problems that he must throw money at, and you are on that list.

[Tenbatsuzen]

Still want that 50 bucks I promised you 2 years ago?

[WampusCrandle]

Yes, if he had contacted me and said my check was going to be late, I would have been fine with that. Instead, he keeps me and the other employees in the dark about what is going on. The thing that sucks is I always get his wrath! It's like everyone takes advantage of him and the minute I meekly ask for something he blows up.

that is unfair and unacceptable. so what if the economy is bad, it's shit behavior to not give your employee's the money they earn on time, when they expect it on a certain day.

[~Katja~]

since you know him can you ask him to just lay you off? that way you would get UI while you look for a job which will be a much more stable income for a few months

[Gvac]

Yes, if he had contacted me and said my check was going to be late, I would have been fine with that. Instead, he keeps me and the other employees in the dark about what is going on. The thing that sucks is I always get his wrath! It's like everyone takes advantage of him and the minute I meekly ask for something he blows up.

Because you're the closest with him and he knows he can get away with it with you.

It isn't because he dislikes you that he erupts, it's because he cares so much about you.

The old "You always hurt the ones you love."

Human nature is wacky.

[Tenbatsuzen]

It's funny this topic was brought up, because although I'm not having pay problems, I am having a passive aggressive problem.

My boss is very cool. However, my boss's boss has been going to me directly for jobs to get done, and she's asking me about stuff that I don't know about, it was never instructed to me to know about, and when I even suggested getting licensing, I was told it was unneccessary.

My boss' boss dropped this gem on me the other day:

"You need to prove your value to the organization."

I was absolutely stunned by this one, considering most people I work with are very happy with my work and my ability to hit deadlines and more. Not only that, I just had a favorable job review with no outstanding issues brought up.

[WhistlePig]

Because you're the closest with him and he knows he can get away with it with you.

It isn't because he dislikes you that he erupts, it's because he cares so much about you.

The old "You always hurt the ones you love."

Human nature is wacky.

That is fucked up. I feel like he hates and resents me so much when he goes off on me like this. But you think it's the opposite, huh? I almost feel like we need couples counseling! We've been working together in one form or another for the last 15 years with plenty of resentments built up between us.

[Gvac]

That is fucked up. I feel like he hates and resents me so much when he goes off on me like this. But you think it's the opposite, huh? I almost feel like we need couples counseling! We've been working together in one form or another for the last 15 years with plenty of resentments built up between us.

I guarantee I'm right.

Trust me.

Like I said, be understanding and let him know how hurt you were.

He'll feel like shit, even if he tries to take the tough guy approach at first.

[#1FanofESD]

My paycheck is 2 weeks late. I know my boss (I work for a small company) is having money trouble right now, but I asked about it because when I talked to a workmate, she had been paid on Monday (mine get mailed because I work from home right now while I have a young child but should have seen something by today if it was sent Monday, too). I got an email that just tore me a new asshole. This guy resents the shit out of me because for years it was only him and me running the business and I got him out of so many problems and worked so much overtime for free with no vacations. But that all changed 2 1/2 years ago when I had a baby and now work from home and do less than I used to, but I get paid by the page (I do publication design) so it's not like I'm on salary and am being paid for not working. I get paid for exactly what I do.

Here is the email he sent me:

You have a sweetheart deal because you earned it over years of long and frustrating nights. The least I could do was help make your transition to motherhood work. I'm happy I could do that.
These days though are tough, as you might imagine. But I don't know that you can imagine how tough. Some food for your thoughts:
Here's a list of the clients you handle who are paying on time:
XXX
XXX
Here's a list of the clients you handle that I have to chase for money:
XXX
XXX
XXX
XXX
I think you get the picture. I have to pay to keep the lights on, telephones lit, computers running, phones answered, taxes paid ... etc., etc... and see that you get paid on time regardless of who pays when. You get to work (hard) at home and don't have to worry about all that. Hey! Can I have that life? Can I take care of your daughter for a few weeks, months, years?
And ... on top of that, I'm afraid these days to give you extra work because, at your rate, I can't afford you! So, guess what? I'll do it instead ... late at night, early in the morning, on weekends, whatever. That's been OK with me because of all the things you did way back when.
You earned your leave and deserve nothing less.
But today? In this economy? How long should I be expected to bleed? What is it exactly that I owe you for all the things you did for me?
Today you are concerned that you are being taken advantage of. That's just not the case. Everybody bit the bullet this last pay period. Checks weren't any good until Tuesday. I'm not sure why XXX didn't write yours earlier, but I can imagine that she thought it would be pointless. You should ask her yourself if you don't believe me.
Are you treated different than the rest of the staff? Duh! Of course you are. You are the highest paid employee at XXX. You work in the comfort of your own home so you can take care of your daughter. You have earned that right and nobody resents that. But you are different. You are disconnected. You are remote. You are not around to help when the going gets rough.
You live in your world. We live in ours. We miss you and hope you come back soon.
BTW: Did I mention that I'll have to cash in my 401K funds this month to make payroll?
So, fuck you if you are pissed off. Look at life from my side of the fence.
Will always love you dearly.


I'm trying to think how I can even respond to this. I'm so pissed and incredulous at the same time. I should feel guilty because he doesn't know how to run a fucking business? I should feel guilty for asking to be paid for the work I've done? I should be held accountable when his clients that I work on don't pay?
I haven't written back yet because I have to think this through. But I don't want silence to convey that he is right. Are there any pseudo-psychiatrists that can help me here?


So he's the only one in the world who has to pay bills?

I would smack the fuck out of him.

No one works for free.

No one.

You didn't tell him to own a company.

It's not you fault that his clients, not yours but his because he's the fucking boss, are not paying on time. He should stop doing business with clients that he has to chase down for payment long before he rips his employee for asking to be paid.

He's taking advantage of the relationship you have with him.

Maybe you can take being treated like that and you probably need to be employed just like everyone else in the world and you might not want to screw up the work from home situation.

But I would request a face to face meeting with him before anything else to straigten this all out.

He will probably not be half as confrontational in person. Everyone writes some BS and then feels good about because it's a release of emotions for them. Then they go back and read it and ask themselves 'wtf did I do that?'.

Go for the face to face meeting and you will get a better definition of how you should move forward from here.

[RhinoinMN]

I guarantee I'm right.

Trust me.

Like I said, be understanding and let him know how hurt you were.

He'll feel like shit, even if he tries to take the tough guy approach at first.

Gvac is wise.


I have met him.

[#1FanofESD]

since you know him can you ask him to just lay you off? that way you would get UI while you look for a job which will be a much more stable income for a few months

You don't just give up on 15 years of working together over an email.

And there might not be a more stable income out there.

[TripleSkeet]

I dont get how hes "bleeding" by paying you for the work you do.He said you earned your leave, does he feel youre overpaid or something?

Id stick it out as long as he does pay you. Working from home does rule. But in the meantime Id also get my resume ready because I have a feeling if he does decide to let you go, hes not going to do it by telling you, but by not paying you.

I kinda get the same passive aggressive attitude from my boss. But its a little different because were related so it does get awkward. I do about 95% of the work for the company while him and his daughter play solitaire and surf Facebook all day. We get paid strictly commission. As times have been getting tougher shes having trouble paying her mortgage and he gives me attitude because his customers are taking longer to pay. There have been hints from her that they may let me go to bump their salaries up, leaving me out.

My solution was to keep doing my job and all the work for the company, making my customers happy, while backing up every file, and keeping my book of phone and fax numbers updated and close, so that if they do decide to let me go, I can immediately start my own company taking all of his clients with me to get it up and running.

[~Katja~]

You don't just give up on 15 years of working together over an email.

And there might not be a more stable income out there.

if they know each other that long that he is comfortable enough to throw a "fuck you" at her in an email then it may be best to bow out, especially if they are kind of on a friendly basis, cause friendship will suffer while she cannot feed her kid.
Unemployment is a temporary solution and will take the pressure off both of them.

[WhistlePig]

Yeah, it's such a tough call. I'm sick of him taking everything out on me, but I do have it pretty good (working from home) and don't want to go looking for another job. I definitely won't quit. He'll have to fire me.
The way he's been uncommunicative with everyone in the office the last few months (and avoiding even coming in) is saying he wants us to quit so he doesn't have to make any decisions.

[Brad in Bama]

I'm siding with GVAC on this one too. I worked from some people that didn't pay once. They got stiffed on some bills, and it snowballed. At first we all looked at it as them fucking us. But in reality they really hoped upon hope that they wouldn't have to lay any of us off because they were worried about us making our bills. I know that sounds backwards. I talked to the guy about it and in the end he felt like he was letting everyone down and was failing in buisness.

That may not be the case in your situation, but it's rough when people don't pay you on time. I guess the alternative would be to either ask you to wait, or let you go. I would weigh my options, but I read it like GVAC did.

[WhistlePig]

I dont get how hes "bleeding" by paying you for the work you do.He said you earned your leave, does he feel youre overpaid or something?

Id stick it out as long as he does pay you. Working from home does rule. But in the meantime Id also get my resume ready because I have a feeling if he does decide to let you go, hes not going to do it by telling you, but by not paying you.

I kinda get the same passive aggressive attitude from my boss. But its a little different because were related so it does get awkward. I do about 95% of the work for the company while him and his daughter play solitaire and surf Facebook all day. We get paid strictly commission. As times have been getting tougher shes having trouble paying her mortgage and he gives me attitude because his customers are taking longer to pay. There have been hints from her that they may let me go to bump their salaries up, leaving me out.

My solution was to keep doing my job and all the work for the company, making my customers happy, while backing up every file, and keeping my book of phone and fax numbers updated and close, so that if they do decide to let me go, I can immediately start my own company taking all of his clients with me to get it up and running.

This is exactly the way I'm thinking. If the business ultimately fails, I'm going to contact all "my" clients and start my own company. I have copies of all my files for the last 3 years. I mean, the people I deal with deal directly with me. The only way my boss is involved is sending out the bill.
Yeah, I don't see how I'm "bleeding" him either. I'm just getting paid for the work I'm doing at the rate he agreed to.
But I did reread the email several times, and now I don't read it and get angry, just sad. I do feel bad for the guy. He's a bad businessman. I've done what I can to help him over the years but now my priorities are different. I think he's pissed I'm not there to bail him out again.

[boosterp]

It is rather simple.

The stress has built up in this guy, he's not making the most sound of decisions, alienating those who work around him, the perceived billing issues all tell me he is ready to explode. You just happen to be one of those that he feels the ability to unload on. This guy is miserable. None of this is an excuse for him to act in such a manner, just my perception from the limited info here.

You may want to have a sit down, face to face to get a feel of what's going on. You could do this under the guise of "methods to improve invoicing" or something. Also, get the gosip around the office, see how the others feel.

[MacVittie]

that's perfect. take a screencap of that and post it here:

http://passiveaggressivenotes.com

[sr71blackbird]

I believe that GVAC is correct in his assessment of this situation. As strange as it sounds to you, I would try his approach. Serious.

[Serpico1103]

So, fuck you if you are pissed off. Look at life from my side of the fence.
Will always love you dearly.
[/I]


I am not sure how "passive" that letter is. However it is very contradictory. He says he does more work because he can't afford to pay for your services, but then tries to spin it as he is doing the work out of a sense of indebtedness.

It does have some passive aggression in it, but he was too clumsy and it became just aggressive.