Ups and downs

[Doogie]

Anyone who knows me knows that I can be pretty guarded and just always have to play the role of always seeming that I am fine, even when life is tough. Like their is nothing in this life really getting upset about. Whether it be career changes, schooling, relationships, etc. So bear with me as I try to recount why I am posting this. I think I just need to vent, and not cause I am angry or anything, but I feel I played it too close to my chest.

Yet I don't know why exactly, but I feel like I am going through a lot of ups and downs. And I have to admit that the last two weeks or so have been pretty freaking great. I have been hanging out with old friends, I am on track to begin my masters program in the fall, I am getting a new job this week. Yet from time to time I feel very saddened for no reason at all. Almost like I dont know where I am going, even though I do...if any of that makes any sense.

The last year or so has seen some upheaval for me with regards to volunteering services. And I have taken steps to make myself happy in those positions. Frankly I am at a point now where I just don't have the same zeal for things like I did when I was younger. I have begun taking a "I need to come first approach." But I think part of it is the fact that I know it is time to move on. Almost like social evolution. This could be one part of it.

Lately I have been tired at night, yet cant necessarily sleep (like tonight.) I just have almost like a flurry of thoughts going through my head and I cant get settled in. I attempted tonight to find a friend of mine to even just speak, but I: A) couldn't find them, and B) just didn't want to be a burden on them. I guess just driving around a bit helped me clear my head. Hence why I am venting here...

I mention feeling good in the last week or so cause an old friend was in town, and it was good to see them. And hell even before that I had just gotten back from Florida and was still riding getting the suns good rays and getting my mind cleared up a bit. And I had a path to prevent having the mind getting all "clogged up" again. But I feel I have just done a 180. Perhaps that friend leaving yesterday is part of the reason I feel this way. Perhaps part of it is the fact that I am just going through some changes this week. Perhaps part of it is that I just don't vent the way that I should. I don't know.

I didnt write this looking for advice necessarily. Just needed to get it out of my mind and see what it looks like in a long ramble here. I am a bit tired now, but I cant sleep either. This is my diatrabe...

[CofyCrakCocaine]

Whilst no one but yourself can relate specifically to your situation, I believe many people generally relate to your general sense of the situation. I am one of them.

I have no advice to give. Just a statement of solidarity, that you are not alone in this frenzy of thought. It is no malaise of the mind, rather it is perhaps a sign that change is nigh and necessary.

Perhaps it is just as simple as missing your friend of old, along with all your friends of old, most of all the old-young you. I do not think that means it ought to be ignored, which I doubt you would do anyhow.

Cryptic, I know. I'm figuring out my own puzzles and am equally in the dark.

[Doogie]

I guess what I was trying to say there in that whole "show you everything, but tell you nothing" story there is that I am feeling depressed lately. Almost like I am in mourning...for what I dont know. I know it wont last forever, but I am feeling depressed.

I have taken two pills tonight of something that normally knocks me out on one, and I am still awake. Just feeling...lost. Adrift on a sea with no real bearing. Exciting and scary at the same time I grant you. I dont know where I am going to wash up.

I think the main thing is that I let someone go this weekend. It was a tough decision to do, but it was best for me and carrying on further with my life. Perhaps that is why I am feeling like I am in mourning. We all have ideas where things should go, but it never does happen that way does it. I might rue on it for a few days, and be saddened still, but I know the feelings will pass. I think it is because I spent a lot of energy both physically and mentally. And to let it go...I close a chapter and start to write a new one.

Hmmmm, now I am actually more saddened writing all that now, but I do feel like I got something off my chest. I think I am also sad too cause I couldnt find any of my local friends to talk about this with. Which helps to exacerbate almost those feelings of desolation.

And why the hell is the score of the H.M.S. Pinafore in my head now?? LOL. I think it was my reference to the sea there...

Uggghhh, I just need sleep. I am very tired but can't sleep.

[spoon]

Doogie, if I didn't know any better, this friend is a past love interest. If I'm right, things will always hurt, and being that you do about it, and your mind is racing, you simply had real feelings for her. I'm confident in knowing you that it was a good choice to let it go, and know simply this. You'll find it again, only better. Obviously something wasn't right in the situation, there will be that one who will be a fit. Be happy you had the experience, just make sure to learn from it and realize how it widens your understanding of what you are looking for. Never force something, and it seems you made that decision already.

Good luck Doogie.

[boosterp]

Sounds like a bit of depression to me mixed in with your natural evolution as a young man.

The depression:
can't sleep
disinterest
"ups and downs"
Lasts longer than a few days

Evolution:
Higher education
New job
Need for focus on you

The depression I know all to well both personally and professionally. All I can say is that maybe you need to talk to a professional. It can really help you move forward.

Evolution, well we all go through this in life and if we are lucky we do so several times in life. I just can wish you the best and know we'll be here to unload things off your chest.