Absorbing Down Friend Abuse

[sr71blackbird]

I have a friend that's going though a rough time and we speak daily. Because she's going though this difficulty though, she can be quite abusive and lash out. As a friend, I absorb this abuse as much as I can tolerate because I feel she's not lasing so much at me, but at her difficult situation. However, occasionally I cannot handle it and explode back, and that happened tonight. Part of me resents that I let myself become this outlet for her frustration and this vescle for her to dump in. I know that its wrong of her, and when I let her have it tonight, she started crying and getting histerical. I hung up on her after unloading on her, and I felt bad in one way, but good in another way for standing up for myself and letting her know I will tolerate only so much.
Since today she seemed much more down than usual and she lashed at me harder than usual as a result, should I have been more tolerant? I can't helo but feel bad, but I was not having the best day either. Was I a bad friend? Is she a worse friend for subjecting me to this? I have to admit that I also have had occasion to be this way too, but I have made strides to avoid doing that. Should I call her or let it blow over or end the whole thing?

[NateCantDance]

It's not the job of a friend to be a punching bag.

[sr71blackbird]

What's happening is that her company is downsizing and it seems every 2 weeks they let 15 people go. She feels its only a matter of time until she loses her job. The house where her apartment is in is for sale and she will likely have to move. She always has money trouble and is afraid she will end up deeply in debt. I have given her money several times to help her out. I understand all this is very difficult, but tonight was a breaking point for me.

[Death Metal Moe]

I gotta ask bro because it matters in this case: you trying to bang this broad eventually? Don't mean to be crude but we've all been there and if you're hoping she will develop some deep bond with you as you are her confidant, probably won't happen. Never really heard of that ever working. Even if it did its not a very healthy basis to start a relationship.

[biggirl]

you shouldn't take the abuse. Although lashing back probably wasn't the best way. I would call her when you are completely cooled off and tell her how you feel. Tell her you don't mind helping her out by listening, but you can't take the stress of being the punching bag.

[sr71blackbird]

I am not trying to bang her.

[sr71blackbird]

I'm torn about calling her now because part of me feels if I do that she will perceive it as an acknowledgement of an apology for a wrongdoing on my part and she has a way of harping on that to death. But I do really care for her too and want to help her as much as I can. But not to the point of abuse.

[topless_mike]

there is a difference between a pair of listening ears and a chew toy. the ears will always be there, and the chew toy eventually breaks and goes away. tell her that it is her choice.

[Furtherman]

You're offering her help and she abuses you like that?

She's not worth your friendship.


And you're a bit foolish for letting it go on for so long.

It's obvious you like this girl, even if you won't admit it to yourself. But she's a nasty person. Let her find her own way.

[Dude!]

i don't have any Downs friends
but i would like to

[Aggie]

You're offering her help and she abuses you like that?

She's not worth your friendship.


And you're a bit foolish for letting it go on for so long.

It's obvious you like this girl, even if you won't admit it to yourself. But she's a nasty person. Let her find her own way.

but the thing i don't get is that he's married. he talks about all these women friends all the time. i guess your wife doesn't care, but lending her money? did she know about that?

either way, you don't need to take what she's dishing out. it's ok for a friend to need an outlet once in awhile but if this is regular, she's just taking advantage of you.

[opie's twisted balls]

If she's as good a friend as you say I'd have a very straight forward conversation with her and lay down a few rules. Explain your boundaries and that you don't have a problem to be someone to lean on or to talk to to about her problems but that you won't tolerate being abused verbally or otherwise. Being in a shitty situation isn't a get out of jail free card for acting like a tool.

[Furtherman]

but the thing i don't get is that he's married. he talks about all these women friends all the time. i guess your wife doesn't care, but lending her money? did she know about that?

either way, you don't need to take what she's dishing out. it's ok for a friend to need an outlet once in awhile but if this is regular, she's just taking advantage of you.

Married, huh? He's in deeper than I thought.

What wife would allow her husband to take abuse like that from a "friend"?

I can't imagine a knowing wife would.

[topless_mike]

perhaps this "friend" is his wife.
dont mean to blow up ya spot or nuttin.

[sr71blackbird]

No, its not my wife. Its a friend of mine that I met at work and we have been friends for like 5 years. I do not like her in the way that's been suggested, but she has been there for me on the occasions I needed it and also gave me a sholder to cry on. She will say thayt I have been abusive to her as well, but her perception of abuse is my retorts to being abused by her.
The money is like $40 here and there, and one time I paid her light bill for her because she didn't have enough and they were coming to shut her off. My wife knew about some of the occasions, but not all. What she does is sometimes she gives me a check and tells me not to cash it for a few weeks or whatever. Other time I just gave her cash. I know its stupid and I never do that to anyone and I never get myself in such financial trouble either. I may have been played in retrospect. I did make up with her after my initial post, but have since had another blow up with her and think its really over now. I really did not have any other close friend other than her for a long time, and it was good while it was good. But now I see I need to get a new friend and be more vigilant to abuse and money lending etc.