Moral Conundrum, Family secrets, suicide and adoption

[booster11373]

I am leaving the details intentionally vague

A member of my family killed themselves last year leaving behind adult children.

After the funeral services it was reveled by to me that this person had another child which they gave up for adoption earlier in there life.

I am extremely close with the adult children

The family elders have no intention of telling them the have another sibling out there.

Its not my place but me and another person are probably the only ones who would tell..

Don't they have a right to know the information?

This whole thing went through a church in the 1970's so the records could be bad or non-existent so even if they are told they might never make contact

Maybe the adopted sibling is happy and doesnt know anything, they dont need their world turned upside down or maybe they want to connect

There are some many considerations here.........

What to do? This has been wearing on me for some time

[Jujubees2]

I say let sleeping dogs lie.

[Don Stugots]

i agree with juju

[booster11373]

I say let sleeping dogs lie.

Im inclined to go with that but Im just pissed I was ever told to begin with

[Ritalin]

You should not tell them. It will further complicate their memory of their parent and leave them with an unwanted decision about whether or not to contact this unknown sibling. Plus, why disrupt the life of the person who was adopted?

No, there's no reason to do anything but tuck that information away in a safe place.

[Suspect Chin]

Make up a fake story about something you saw on Dr. Phil about a similar situation and ask them if they were in this 'hypothetical', if they would want to know. Not saying you should act exactly according to how they respond, but it may shed some light on the decision you're trying to make if they respond very strongly one way or the other.

[WampusCrandle]

whether or not you should tell them, i'm sure it's obvious to you to not tell them for a while, i would say for at least a year or so - for grieving purposes and what not.

[sailor]

what wampus said about waiting. i think eventually they need to know, since you are close to them it's not your place to keep some secret from them.

[CruelCircus]

I'd say you should tell them. Perhaps you can let the elders know that if they don't tell, then you will. Put the ball in their court first.
Then, it's up to them what they do with the information.
Everyone is talking as if this can only go badly, but there's so many ways this could easily end up positive for them.

Last point, you owe no allegiance to the adopted sibling. You don't know him/her, your allegiance is to the people you are "extremly close" to.

[topless_mike]

shit stirrer.
in all seriousness, just let it be. it sucks that you know, but its best to stay out of these quarrels as much as possible. because you know once you let the cat out of the hat, its going to get ugly. it always does.

[Ritalin]

I'd say you should tell them. Perhaps you can let the elders know that if they don't tell, then you will. Put the ball in their court first.
Then, it's up to them what they do with the information.
Everyone is talking as if this can only go badly, but there's so many ways this could easily end up positive for them.

Last point, you owe no allegiance to the adopted sibling. You don't know him/her, your allegiance is to the people you are "extremly close" to.

Allegiance is an odd word in this instance. It's true that he has no allegiance to the adopted sibling, but he doesn't even know him/her.

However, there is that person to consider. My wife is adopted, and I can only imagine how disruptive it would be to my family's life if we got a knock on the door one day with strangers standing there.

"Hi, you don't know us but we're your blood siblings, and we're contacting you out of the blue because we just found out about you and our shared parent committed suicide. Can we come in?"

Then what?

[Dude!]

Allegiance is an odd word in this instance. It's true that he has no allegiance to the adopted sibling, but he doesn't even know him/her.

However, there is that person to consider. My wife is adopted, and I can only imagine how disruptive it would be to my family's life if we got a knock on the door one day with strangers standing there.

"Hi, you don't know us but we're your blood siblings, and we're contacting you out of the blue because we just found out about you and our shared parent committed suicide. Can we come in?"

Then what?

exactly

the parents did not tell the kids
because they, as parents, thought it
in the kids' best interest not to know

Who TF are you to overide the parents?

[FUNKMAN]

try finding the adopted party yourself first?

just a thought

[sr71blackbird]

I think that they becoming aware of it benefits no one involved. I would think it could be thought of as the discovery of an earlier in life miscarriage. Its best to take it to your grave.

[Furtherman]

because you know once you let the cat out of the hat, its going to get ugly. it always does.

And guess who they'll blame?



You.

[Death Metal Moe]

I think you need to examine why you want to tell them. Is it for them? Or is it because you know a secret and are dying to tell someone.

I'm not blaming you or shitting on you, it's human nature to want to tell people something you are aware of but they aren't and you know it involves them.

You might also want to consider the reasons why their father DIDN'T tell them their entire lives and respect why he did it even when they were older.

It's a heavy burden but it may have to be one of those things that you take to the grave. No need to have more than 1 person up long nights thinking about what could have been.

[CYYYFYYY]

I have a similar thing... I decided would the kids want to know about this and would they benifit or make there lives worse . I felt it would make there lives worse so I keep quiet. A choice that might be wrong