I hate my dad

[erinmoran]

I hate him for not being there for me and abandoning me. He was actually there in my life....but not close. He didnt abuse me or practically ever scold me. He was a lair, a cheater and a thief and he probably made what i am today....weird...nutty...paranoid...whatever. I live my life like he doesnt exist

Ive been told that hate can't last forever and that closure and forgiveness needs to be realized...but i never see that happening....ever..because i dont want to be a sucker. He will think he's won me over if im all "niceynice"... to him


Opinions?.....Advice?...

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This message was edited by erinmoran on 2-7-02 @ 2:19 PM

[DaniGirl]

I hate my mom. She put me down my whole life. She shot down all the my dreams and aspirations and she basically told me that I was lazy and I better marry a rich man to take care of me for the rest of my life.
She gave my sisters the world and gave me nothing. I'm very bitter towards her and I can't muster up the courage to tell her how I feel to her fave.
I'm sorry I have no advice for you, but I had to vent.

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[Meatball]

i think our view and feelings about our parents shows up in everything we do as adults, our self esteem and relationships. Before you can decide whether to confront, forgive or deal with these very strong and deep rooted emotions you have to fully understand them. I implore you to work them out with a proffesional counselor. While your life may seem to be productive and your feelings may seem to be "clear", working with a therapist can best prepare you for all the possible repercussions a confrontation can have, and can best help you sort out all the feelings you have. Then youll be fully prepared for the best decision for YOURSELF. Please dont make the mistake of thinking that going to a therapist to help you work this out is "losing" or being a "sucker"..thats like saying going to a dentist to fix a painful tooth is letting the "candy that caused it win"..( lousy analogy but i think you see my point).. Good Luck

[FUNKMAN]

In my opinion, forget the therapist and the psychiatrist... You already know what happened and how you feel about it... Draw the courage to confront your Parent, you already feel you are in the right...
The conversation may be hard and confrontational but remember, in the end you will feel better that you spoke up... And if they truly Love you then they should
understand and be remorseful...
In most cases, regardless of the outcome, you know where you stand. Instead of constantly questioning in your mind whether you should speak to them and what the reaction will be...
If it turns out they do not care about your feelings, move on. You are a young person who has alot to offer the world and the world has alot to offer to you... You have a long life to live and give yourself the chance to "not" do what your parents have done...

Nobody in this world is better than you...

HOPE THINGS WORKOUT, EITHER WAY
:)

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[HordeKing1]

ERIN - Unfortunately, many parents are flat out awful both as parents and people.

I'm sure you've heard the axiom about needing a license to drive but not to raise a child. It makes no sense when you think about it.

Of course you hate your father for abandoning you and for being a "liar, cheater and thief." It's a perfectly normal response. In fact you're actually ahead of the game. Many people have rotten even abusive parents but they consciously supress or unconcsiously repress their ability to come out and acknowledge this.

You say you've been told that "hate can't last forever." I wish that were true. Unfortunately since it only takes one person to hate, the situation can continue indefinitely - even when reconciliation is repeatedly attempted (as it takes two to reconcile).

A person sometimes must acknowledge and come to terms with their parent being an awful person. That is one of the first steps on the road to some sort of closure.

It is possible that you and your dad will never be close. It's possible he'll always be a bad parent and/or a bad person. It's possible he'll never want a relationship. All to often this happens...

It's important to try to internalize the understanding that your dad is the bad guy not you. You wanted a realationship. He didn't. Sometimes events or situations occur that you simply cannot change. It's ok to look at yourself in the mirror and say that your dad is a jerk and that it is no reflection on you.

In fairness it should be pointed out that sometimes people suddenly become interested in their family as they age. This doesn't mean you have to jump into his arms and hug him. You might however find it best (if the situation should arise) to try to reach an accomodation.


DANIGIRL - Your mom treated you poorly. You do not have to confront her about it. Sometimes a confrontation can clear the air, but in a lifelong situation such as a parent and child relationship, it is likely to make you more resentful as she would have to be willing to talk honestly and openly and listen to you in order to accomplish anything by a confrontation.

There's an old joke in psychology that has at least a kernel of truth to it - "When in doubt blame the mother." Parents can really mess a kid up and damage their psyche for their whole life.

FUNKMAN - A confrontation with a parent (or other person) with no interest in reconcilliation often exacerbates the situation. Unfortunately some parents are just really bad.

The benefit of a therapist is to discuss your feelings about the parent, learn that your feelings are normal and acceptable, and discuss strategies for dealing with the feelings, as well as analyze what implications the relationship had on past and present behavior.

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[CovDiesel]

I'm sorry you guys feel this way, but I would say that it is just necessary that you note what you hated about your upbringing... and make sure you don't do that to your children...

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[Excomunicated Reeshy]

i've got to say that I love my Mom and Dad. I'm 50 years old and my parents are still alive. I guess I'm blessed. My dad taught me how to sail and hunt and save money. My Mom taught me how to cook amd be nice to other people.

My Dad actually saved my life in a fire when he was still a fireman and I was a rookie cop!

Not all parents are bad but I can understand that there are peop;e out there that can't take care of others-like parents are supposed to do

I guess I am on elucky son of a bitch!

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This message was edited by Excomunicated Reeshy on 2-14-02 @ 6:58 PM

[HordeKing1]

COVDIESEL - It seems so obvious to be careful not to repeat the mistakes of your parents in bringing up your own children.

Yet, abused children are likely to abuse their own children; emotionally negelected children are likely to be emotionally distant themselves.

It points to the strong role parents play in determining the future behavior of their children - even when the children disaprove of their parent's mindset.

The best defense against it, is to recognize the potential likelihood of raising your children as you were raised. Make certain that this fact is not supressed (conscioiusly) or repressed (unconsciously) and work hard to raise your children as you wish, not as your parents wish.



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