Melrapuo
12-19-2011, 11:07 AM
Hey everyone,
This is going to be a very long post, so be warned.
I posted on here a few years ago about my first break up. This one is about my latest relationship, which ended thursday night. I'm about to turn 25, she is 22.
My newest ex-gf and I had a great run. There were many, many moments in our relationship that were fun and I don't regret a thing. This relationship ended because of personal issues on both our parts.
We have always had intimacy issues, which are a big part of any relationship. When we started dating, i had problems getting it up because of the psychological damage I got from my first break up. She, however, took it as though I wasn't attracted to her (which wasn't true at all. I was just nervous. I told her this, but she didn't want to believe me most of the time in the beginning). My ex-gf had been the first girl I had tried to sleep with since, and it was just a combination of self-doubt and self-pressure on myself to not fail that, ironically, made me fail time and time again. Eventually she got fed up with me on that part, we broke up on and off a couple times, but eventually got back together.
However, once I gained confidence back in myself, having sex with her was sometimes rough, if not impossible. To put things as delicately as possible, it was as though she wasn't letting me in. And when she did, it usually only lasted for a minute or so because it ended up hurting her.
This went on for years. Sometimes my problem would come back, for whatever reason (too drunk, not in the mood), and sometimes she would not let me in (too painful). This continued throughout our entire relationship. There were many times where we thought about breaking up because of it, but even at the worst points we always told ourselves we'd fix it. That we'd try to have sex more often. That we'd try to do more things to be romantic, maybe more foreplay. However, after each try, we ended up just getting scared of doing anything else for fear of disappointment.
Now, for the first couple years I figured that this was all mostly my fault. I was the one who couldn't get it up during the beginning of the relationship, which must have caused anything since then to be impossible. And I would beat myself up over it. Then, one day, after a recent failed attempt, she broke up with me again. And I had finally flipped out, because I didn't want her to make it like it was all my fault. I didn't want her to make it seem as though everything that was failing was all a direct result of me. And then she admitted to me the core of her issues - she had been molested by her (now deceased) father as a little girl, as well as possibly by a pediatrician around the same time. She has only told a couple of her past bf's and some friends. No one in her family knows, and she won't tell them because she's embarrassed to tell anyone. She says it eats away at her, but when I told her that she really needed to talk to someone about it, she tells me she never will because of the embarrassment (and she thinks it will cause her mother to have a stroke).
This floored me, because it explained so many things as to way she would have problems with sex. It also made me very sad, but angry as well. I was upset because for two years I had tortured myself thinking I had problems physically, when in reality it was both of our issues stemming from different reasons.
Anyway, we decided (after breaking up for literally 4 hours) that we would stick it out, again. We both truly cared about each other, and were in love with each other. We talked it out, didn't fight or yell at each other when it happened again and again. Eventually we would just work together to try and make things right.
However, despite these efforts, we were still scared to have sex sometimes because whenever it didn't work it felt like rejection. The only way we thought we could deal with it, though, was to ignore the issue (Which wasn't good.) Very slowly, we began to distance ourselves. We weren't as affectionate as usual. We didn't go out very often. We stayed at her house, a lot, watching tv (Sometimes going to the mall or food shopping. nothing exciting). And I guess, in a way, it began to eat at both of us. In addition, because of feeling as though she was going to leave me for someone else (like in my past relationship), I would get paranoid or angry when she would hang out with her friends and not me. This didn't happen very often, but it upset the **** out of me because it was an insecurity that I was never able to get over it.
For the last couple months, we were almost never intimate. I can't even remember when we last had sex. If I were to guess, I'd say mid October. I sensed that something was up, because she was wanting to hang out with her friends more and more, and my paranoia was worse and worse. I never prevented her from going out, but I was still upset. And this would make her feel guilty, and I would tell her that I didn't mean to do that to her.
I think this is what finally did us in. Thursday night of this week, we were hanging out in her house with her sister, just watching tv. I was very uncomfortable because I could sense that we were near the end, if not at least a fight. So we went to bed, and I laid down next to her, and I asked her if she thought I was being weird lately. She said that I had been distant and very quiet. I apologized to her, saying I didn't mean to be that way. I don't quite remember how it transitioned from there, but eventually it led to her talking about our sex life, and how I make her feel guilty about her going out with her friends while I made the choice of just sitting at home.
Then it got a little worse. She talked about how we're both just opposite people who like to do different things. She said she had tried to adapt and be more like I was, (as I did for her), but she told me she wanted to be able to go out and do things with other people. She said that it wasn't fair that I made her feel guilty (which I apologized to her about. It really never was my intention to do that to her, but I still did it anyway because I was being selfish). She brought up the fact that all we did was just stare at each other whenever I came over to her mom's house (Where she lived), and that there was no passion between us. And the sex issue came up as well. She said whenever we talk about it, we end up hugging each other and crying and then saying we're going to fix it, but it never gets fixed. She said it was just not going to work itself out, no matter what we did. She told that it wasn't fair that I made her feel guilty about all of this (i did mention that I had been looking at engagement rings. I knew this was dumb when I said it, but I was grasping at straws at this point.)
I was sad and upset (Crying a little. not much.) She seemed pretty stone-faced about it. I think it was her way of just avoiding it, because sometimes her voice did crack a bit when talking to me, but at this point I believe she felt that if she cried with me it would just repeat a pattern we've done over again, and it wasn't going to solve anything. I, of course, wanted to fix things with her still, but at the same time I was agreeing with her that we haven't really tried or done enough to truly fix things. I also felt that it was over, but I just didn't want to admit it.
I asked her if she still loved me, and she said "I don't know." She said she still loved me and cared for me as a person, but wasn't sure if she was still in love with me. I told her that she couldn't just not know, that either she was or she wasn't.
I laid down in the bed next to her, and wanted to cry and hug her, but I didn't. She was saying how she's frustrated and exhausted and she doesn't see things working out. We sat there for a little longer quietly (note, her mom and sis were talking outside her door, but didn't hear anything. I wanted to leave the moment they decided to go to bed.)
Then, after a few minutes of silence, she said "Ok...I'm not in love with you. I'm sure I'm not in love with you, I think." This, of course, broke my heart. I agreed with her on everything we talked about, even if I didn't want to believe it. I asked her how she could've told me she loved me on sunday, and now on thursday she doesn't (although actions are more reliable than words, I guess.) She apologized to me, said she thinks things weren't working out. I cried a bit (she didn't), I grabbed my things and hugged her. She hadn't really moved from a specific position in her bed since the real stuff started coming out, so I leaned across it and hugged her. She said "I'm sorry," and I told her the same. Then I stood there and said "Is there anything I can do or say that would change your mind?" After a second or so, she said "no." I opened the door, left and drove home, and cried to my family.
I got home around midnight. I tried to sleep, but couldn't I decided to call her at 4am (twice in a row, she didn't pick up. I still regret doing that, because I knew better.)
Later that day I called her at 11am, cuz I knew she was getting out of work. She didn't answer, but I texted her and asked her to please call me. I just wanted to give it one last hurrah before I decided to leave it alone for good.
She called, and we talked for about 20 minutes. I tried to see if there was anything I could do to make it work again. This time she wasn't so stone-faced. If anything, she was yelling this time. She said that it would never work, again, because all we do is go in circles of getting fighting, breaking up, getting back together with promises of fixing things. She didn't want to do it anymore. She felt she should've never told me what happened to her in her past (I told her it would've been unfair to me if she never did.) She was frustrated with the paranoia and guilt that I made her feel. Most of the conversation was about the issue of sex, though. I told her the only way things would have ever worked out between us is she had gone to therapy, or we had gone to couples counseling. She, in turn, told me that I promised her to go get therapy myself for my paranoia and depression, but I didn't do that either (in a way, thats kind of like turning it back on me, but I agreed.) She then said she's 22, she should be able to go out and have fun with her friends, and not be in a relationship with someone that feels more like an old couple's marriage. She also made it seem as though she wanted to be single, or at least just not with me. She did say that she does know she has her own issues in terms of her past, and that it was eating away at her inside, but she still won't tell anyone. She said I have no idea what its like to carry that kind of emotion around, and that it would never get fixed with her and I dating. She said the same about my paranoia, too.
I asked her again if she really wasn't in love with me anymore, and she said "I wouldn't lie to you about that." I then told her I wished her the best, said I was sorry for anything I did to make her feel bad, told her I still loved her but understood, and then said goodbye. I haven't spoken to her since yesterday, and I don't see talking to her happening any time in the future.
Since then I've deleted her off facebook, taken down all our pictures, and blocked her. She deleted me off her BBM contacts, and I believe at this point she may have deleted her own facebook all together.
I've been a mess these past couple days, for obvious reasons. I always have that little amount of hope in the back of my head that things could work out in the end, but at the same time I have at least 90% acceptance that this is completely over and done with. I do still care about her deeply, and I know I do love her, but I know there's nothing I can say or do that will make anything change. At this point its just going to be NC so I can get my life back together. Part of me wants to think she is suffering too, but I can't assume anything.
I think I've typed enough. I have the fear that most people have, where I think I'll never meet anyone else, that I've been rejected because of who I am, that I ****ed things up. Everyone is telling me that I did nothing wrong, and I've accepted that my paranoia was uncalled for (she told me she never cheated on me, and that she never understood why I was afraid. She's been cheated on many times by ex bf's, and she told me it hurts like hell but you have to get over it. And she's right.)
So any thoughts from anyone out there? Again, sorry for the giant wall of text, but I need some advice on what to do from here. I'm going to leave her alone, because space is what she wants and thats what I'm going to give her. I'm not entirely sure if I'd even ever consider dating her again, especially if her issues and my issues have not been resolved. At this point, though, I think its pretty much done. I'm just sad because we have both just cut each other off and will probably never see each other again (that will probably be impossible though, because we all share similar friends and we'll undoubtedly see each other again.) Its a shock when you think we were talking to each other and seemingly fine just a week ago. I just miss her, because she did become my best friend, too, and to have to act as though she doesn't exist is really tough.
Thanks
This is going to be a very long post, so be warned.
I posted on here a few years ago about my first break up. This one is about my latest relationship, which ended thursday night. I'm about to turn 25, she is 22.
My newest ex-gf and I had a great run. There were many, many moments in our relationship that were fun and I don't regret a thing. This relationship ended because of personal issues on both our parts.
We have always had intimacy issues, which are a big part of any relationship. When we started dating, i had problems getting it up because of the psychological damage I got from my first break up. She, however, took it as though I wasn't attracted to her (which wasn't true at all. I was just nervous. I told her this, but she didn't want to believe me most of the time in the beginning). My ex-gf had been the first girl I had tried to sleep with since, and it was just a combination of self-doubt and self-pressure on myself to not fail that, ironically, made me fail time and time again. Eventually she got fed up with me on that part, we broke up on and off a couple times, but eventually got back together.
However, once I gained confidence back in myself, having sex with her was sometimes rough, if not impossible. To put things as delicately as possible, it was as though she wasn't letting me in. And when she did, it usually only lasted for a minute or so because it ended up hurting her.
This went on for years. Sometimes my problem would come back, for whatever reason (too drunk, not in the mood), and sometimes she would not let me in (too painful). This continued throughout our entire relationship. There were many times where we thought about breaking up because of it, but even at the worst points we always told ourselves we'd fix it. That we'd try to have sex more often. That we'd try to do more things to be romantic, maybe more foreplay. However, after each try, we ended up just getting scared of doing anything else for fear of disappointment.
Now, for the first couple years I figured that this was all mostly my fault. I was the one who couldn't get it up during the beginning of the relationship, which must have caused anything since then to be impossible. And I would beat myself up over it. Then, one day, after a recent failed attempt, she broke up with me again. And I had finally flipped out, because I didn't want her to make it like it was all my fault. I didn't want her to make it seem as though everything that was failing was all a direct result of me. And then she admitted to me the core of her issues - she had been molested by her (now deceased) father as a little girl, as well as possibly by a pediatrician around the same time. She has only told a couple of her past bf's and some friends. No one in her family knows, and she won't tell them because she's embarrassed to tell anyone. She says it eats away at her, but when I told her that she really needed to talk to someone about it, she tells me she never will because of the embarrassment (and she thinks it will cause her mother to have a stroke).
This floored me, because it explained so many things as to way she would have problems with sex. It also made me very sad, but angry as well. I was upset because for two years I had tortured myself thinking I had problems physically, when in reality it was both of our issues stemming from different reasons.
Anyway, we decided (after breaking up for literally 4 hours) that we would stick it out, again. We both truly cared about each other, and were in love with each other. We talked it out, didn't fight or yell at each other when it happened again and again. Eventually we would just work together to try and make things right.
However, despite these efforts, we were still scared to have sex sometimes because whenever it didn't work it felt like rejection. The only way we thought we could deal with it, though, was to ignore the issue (Which wasn't good.) Very slowly, we began to distance ourselves. We weren't as affectionate as usual. We didn't go out very often. We stayed at her house, a lot, watching tv (Sometimes going to the mall or food shopping. nothing exciting). And I guess, in a way, it began to eat at both of us. In addition, because of feeling as though she was going to leave me for someone else (like in my past relationship), I would get paranoid or angry when she would hang out with her friends and not me. This didn't happen very often, but it upset the **** out of me because it was an insecurity that I was never able to get over it.
For the last couple months, we were almost never intimate. I can't even remember when we last had sex. If I were to guess, I'd say mid October. I sensed that something was up, because she was wanting to hang out with her friends more and more, and my paranoia was worse and worse. I never prevented her from going out, but I was still upset. And this would make her feel guilty, and I would tell her that I didn't mean to do that to her.
I think this is what finally did us in. Thursday night of this week, we were hanging out in her house with her sister, just watching tv. I was very uncomfortable because I could sense that we were near the end, if not at least a fight. So we went to bed, and I laid down next to her, and I asked her if she thought I was being weird lately. She said that I had been distant and very quiet. I apologized to her, saying I didn't mean to be that way. I don't quite remember how it transitioned from there, but eventually it led to her talking about our sex life, and how I make her feel guilty about her going out with her friends while I made the choice of just sitting at home.
Then it got a little worse. She talked about how we're both just opposite people who like to do different things. She said she had tried to adapt and be more like I was, (as I did for her), but she told me she wanted to be able to go out and do things with other people. She said that it wasn't fair that I made her feel guilty (which I apologized to her about. It really never was my intention to do that to her, but I still did it anyway because I was being selfish). She brought up the fact that all we did was just stare at each other whenever I came over to her mom's house (Where she lived), and that there was no passion between us. And the sex issue came up as well. She said whenever we talk about it, we end up hugging each other and crying and then saying we're going to fix it, but it never gets fixed. She said it was just not going to work itself out, no matter what we did. She told that it wasn't fair that I made her feel guilty about all of this (i did mention that I had been looking at engagement rings. I knew this was dumb when I said it, but I was grasping at straws at this point.)
I was sad and upset (Crying a little. not much.) She seemed pretty stone-faced about it. I think it was her way of just avoiding it, because sometimes her voice did crack a bit when talking to me, but at this point I believe she felt that if she cried with me it would just repeat a pattern we've done over again, and it wasn't going to solve anything. I, of course, wanted to fix things with her still, but at the same time I was agreeing with her that we haven't really tried or done enough to truly fix things. I also felt that it was over, but I just didn't want to admit it.
I asked her if she still loved me, and she said "I don't know." She said she still loved me and cared for me as a person, but wasn't sure if she was still in love with me. I told her that she couldn't just not know, that either she was or she wasn't.
I laid down in the bed next to her, and wanted to cry and hug her, but I didn't. She was saying how she's frustrated and exhausted and she doesn't see things working out. We sat there for a little longer quietly (note, her mom and sis were talking outside her door, but didn't hear anything. I wanted to leave the moment they decided to go to bed.)
Then, after a few minutes of silence, she said "Ok...I'm not in love with you. I'm sure I'm not in love with you, I think." This, of course, broke my heart. I agreed with her on everything we talked about, even if I didn't want to believe it. I asked her how she could've told me she loved me on sunday, and now on thursday she doesn't (although actions are more reliable than words, I guess.) She apologized to me, said she thinks things weren't working out. I cried a bit (she didn't), I grabbed my things and hugged her. She hadn't really moved from a specific position in her bed since the real stuff started coming out, so I leaned across it and hugged her. She said "I'm sorry," and I told her the same. Then I stood there and said "Is there anything I can do or say that would change your mind?" After a second or so, she said "no." I opened the door, left and drove home, and cried to my family.
I got home around midnight. I tried to sleep, but couldn't I decided to call her at 4am (twice in a row, she didn't pick up. I still regret doing that, because I knew better.)
Later that day I called her at 11am, cuz I knew she was getting out of work. She didn't answer, but I texted her and asked her to please call me. I just wanted to give it one last hurrah before I decided to leave it alone for good.
She called, and we talked for about 20 minutes. I tried to see if there was anything I could do to make it work again. This time she wasn't so stone-faced. If anything, she was yelling this time. She said that it would never work, again, because all we do is go in circles of getting fighting, breaking up, getting back together with promises of fixing things. She didn't want to do it anymore. She felt she should've never told me what happened to her in her past (I told her it would've been unfair to me if she never did.) She was frustrated with the paranoia and guilt that I made her feel. Most of the conversation was about the issue of sex, though. I told her the only way things would have ever worked out between us is she had gone to therapy, or we had gone to couples counseling. She, in turn, told me that I promised her to go get therapy myself for my paranoia and depression, but I didn't do that either (in a way, thats kind of like turning it back on me, but I agreed.) She then said she's 22, she should be able to go out and have fun with her friends, and not be in a relationship with someone that feels more like an old couple's marriage. She also made it seem as though she wanted to be single, or at least just not with me. She did say that she does know she has her own issues in terms of her past, and that it was eating away at her inside, but she still won't tell anyone. She said I have no idea what its like to carry that kind of emotion around, and that it would never get fixed with her and I dating. She said the same about my paranoia, too.
I asked her again if she really wasn't in love with me anymore, and she said "I wouldn't lie to you about that." I then told her I wished her the best, said I was sorry for anything I did to make her feel bad, told her I still loved her but understood, and then said goodbye. I haven't spoken to her since yesterday, and I don't see talking to her happening any time in the future.
Since then I've deleted her off facebook, taken down all our pictures, and blocked her. She deleted me off her BBM contacts, and I believe at this point she may have deleted her own facebook all together.
I've been a mess these past couple days, for obvious reasons. I always have that little amount of hope in the back of my head that things could work out in the end, but at the same time I have at least 90% acceptance that this is completely over and done with. I do still care about her deeply, and I know I do love her, but I know there's nothing I can say or do that will make anything change. At this point its just going to be NC so I can get my life back together. Part of me wants to think she is suffering too, but I can't assume anything.
I think I've typed enough. I have the fear that most people have, where I think I'll never meet anyone else, that I've been rejected because of who I am, that I ****ed things up. Everyone is telling me that I did nothing wrong, and I've accepted that my paranoia was uncalled for (she told me she never cheated on me, and that she never understood why I was afraid. She's been cheated on many times by ex bf's, and she told me it hurts like hell but you have to get over it. And she's right.)
So any thoughts from anyone out there? Again, sorry for the giant wall of text, but I need some advice on what to do from here. I'm going to leave her alone, because space is what she wants and thats what I'm going to give her. I'm not entirely sure if I'd even ever consider dating her again, especially if her issues and my issues have not been resolved. At this point, though, I think its pretty much done. I'm just sad because we have both just cut each other off and will probably never see each other again (that will probably be impossible though, because we all share similar friends and we'll undoubtedly see each other again.) Its a shock when you think we were talking to each other and seemingly fine just a week ago. I just miss her, because she did become my best friend, too, and to have to act as though she doesn't exist is really tough.
Thanks