Should I let my brother live with me

[MasterSoySauce]

I've been wrestling with this for a while. My wife and I have worked hard and saved for years. Just bought a nice home in a nice philadelphia suburb. My brother lives alone in a small apartment in the city. He works a shit job and has no education. His health has been an issue this year. Our home is somewhat small but theres an extra room.

The conflict is, every so often we get into some bad fights that have turned violent. He's threatened some crazy shit in the past. But since my dad died 18 months ago he has seemed to have changed. But he still slips back into some bad moods.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and actually gone against some of your better judgement and ignored your gut feeling and let the person into your home to get their shit together? I don't know what to do but i know the guilt and sympathy towards his life just goes on and on and I want to help him and i think this would be the only way.

Thanks for any response.

[jennysmurf]

My initial response would be, "Absolutely not." Having another person in the house, even one with everything together, will put a strain on your marriage. Adding a volatile personality will really not help. But I also know that I'm removed from the situation. If it were my sister, cousin, nephew, whatever, I'd want to do everything I could to help them out. From here, I'd say you have two options: let him move in and see how it goes, or don't. If you do, and it goes badly, then you have the added heartache of having to kick him out. Either way, I wouldn't want to be in your situation. Have you talked to your wife about it? How does she feel about it all? I'm really sorry, buddy. Keep me posted on how it goes--I realize I have been zero help, but I like to try.

[spoon]

I tend to side with JS here, but honestly only you know enough to make that call. If you fear for his life and have to step in, perhaps there's another option to help him versus actually living with you?

[jennysmurf]

I tend to side with JS here, but honestly only you know enough to make that call. If you fear for his life and have to step in, perhaps there's another option to help him versus actually living with you?

I didn't think of that. Instead of having him move in, maybe help with bills or groceries, helping him find a better job--whatever is stressing him out right now? You could be helping him without losing the sanctuary of your own home.

[MasterSoySauce]

yea, we do give him money when we can. Not as easy with the house. Its that old thing of, a bit here and there doesnt do much in the long run. He needs a break to get ahead i guess.

My wife says its my call. He's always been nice to her and he is a nice dude but at times he has these mood swings. The thing is, if he moves in with us and then it doesnt go well, getting him out is so much harder. The old toothpaste tube metaphor. And then he doesnt have a place to live.

Since its not easy to give him money now that we have a mortgage the only way to REALLY help him seems to be let him live here.

Last night i went for a walk with the dog and thought about it while rnf was on my ipod (ronnie talking about making a change before the announcement) and I thought the next step is to have the conversation with my brother. I havent done that yet. I havent seen if he's open to it and if he would be cool with my conditions. It's odd, as I was contemplating it, Hard Rock Johnny was on and Ron asked him "would you leave a brother behind?" Kinda felt like he was talking to me.

[SonOfSmeagol]

I thought the next step is to have the conversation with my brother. I havent done that yet. I havent seen if he's open to it and if he would be cool with my conditions. It's odd, as I was contemplating it, Hard Rock Johnny was on and Ron asked him "would you leave a brother behind?" Kinda felt like he was talking to me.
you're a good brother, man. this conversation with him - or conversations - are gonna help you guys come to some sort of understanding before you make an actually move. and maybe talk about other options for him to get on a better trajectory - moving in with you is maybe only one option, or one piece of the longer term plan. and if you talk about it with him and lay out what each one of you is doing to make this work, it'll help reinforce that he needs to do his part. then if things don't work out with him living with you, it'll still be unfortunate, but maybe less so than if you hadn't clearly laid things out beforehand.

[DarkHippie]

You say he has mood swings. Have he ever sought treatment for this?

[OGC]

From your posts, I take it that he hasn't asked to move in with you and you haven't offered yet. You are just thinking about it (?)

Are you sure he needs this ? Have you thought about his reaction when you offer ? Some people might take it as an insult.

[Ritalin]

No

[realmenhatelife]

I live with both of my brothers and I know that living together has given us a support network with which we have done things we could not have done had we been living on our own. Not just financially or even in a really active way, but something about getting some support helps.

Can you correlate his issues with his circumstances? It could be that living alone with little resources exascerbates his condition. If you aren't enabling him by asking him to move in I dont think it's a terrible idea.

[spoon]

RMHL means brothers pizza…made of tofu. It failed miserably, but brought them together, after tearing them apart. Now they have a porn empire called brothers bang bus. The porn world has never been the same…gay porn.

:innocent::tongue:

[MasterSoySauce]

i had mentioned something like it was a possibility when our dad was dying about 18 months ago and then he has made little remarks kind of alluding to the idea. When he was going through a medical issue he told my sister if I offered it he would accept but he and I havent really talked about it.

I don't think he would take it as an insult but he might not like me putting a lot of conditions together.

He hasn't sought treatment. I think that is a money/laziness issue. My sister has convinced him though that he's depressed(which he probably is) and on the autism spectrum. So in his mind he's diagnosed with those but no real treatment or visits to a mental health doctor.

Thanks to everyone for responding. A lot of the responses have convinced me to bring it up with him sometime soon, like after the holidays, and see where's he's at. When he told my sister he would accept he did say he wanted to prepare himself a little bit, i.e. renew his license, get his GED, get some savings... etc.

[realmenhatelife]

Ofcourse if your nice house is in South Chester County you'd be better off moving in with him.

[thepaulo]

What's your address? I'll keep your brother in line.

[deliciousV]

What's your address? I'll keep your brother in line.

He's done wonders with Fez :innocent:

[SonOfSmeagol]

What's your address? I'll keep your brother in line.
ha! he'll end up with two boarders

[thepaulo]

ha! he'll end up with two boarders

Just give me a sleeping bag by the TV

[MasterSoySauce]

What's your address? I'll keep your brother in line.

That's ok, I want my wife to make Christmas

[jennysmurf]

That's ok, I want my wife to make Christmas

:laugh: Poor PaulO.

[DarkHippie]

It feels terrible to be alone. Then again, it feels terrible to live with someone.

[jennysmurf]

It feels terrible to be alone. Then again, it feels terrible to live with someone.

http://images.cdn.bigcartel.com/bigcartel/product_images/3379561/max_h-1000+max_w-1000/EIT_SHIRT_NEW.jpg

[Misteriosa]

I'm fashionably late to the party, as usual :happy:

i had mentioned something like it was a possibility when our dad was dying about 18 months ago and then he has made little remarks kind of alluding to the idea. When he was going through a medical issue he told my sister if I offered it he would accept but he and I havent really talked about it.

I don't think he would take it as an insult but he might not like me putting a lot of conditions together.

He hasn't sought treatment. I think that is a money/laziness issue. My sister has convinced him though that he's depressed(which he probably is) and on the autism spectrum. So in his mind he's diagnosed with those but no real treatment or visits to a mental health doctor.

Thanks to everyone for responding. A lot of the responses have convinced me to bring it up with him sometime soon, like after the holidays, and see where's he's at. When he told my sister he would accept he did say he wanted to prepare himself a little bit, i.e. renew his license, get his GED, get some savings... etc.

reading all of this, i think that should you choose to bring your brother in, there MUST be conditions, two of which have to be that he seeks professional help for his MH issues and that he gets his GED. you say he hasnt sought treatment for his depression because of laziness, but thats always how it seems from the outside and is generally not the case. depression thoroughly demotivates you. we always need a push.

I know you said you did not want to attach conditions to your help, but he will never get out on his own unless you do. sign a contract with him listing the conditions and expectations from each party. yes its cold and legal, but crap like this with family is always the messiest and at least you have something to lean on if problems arise.

but thats just my http://www.mazeguy.net/symbolic/twocents.gif