Is it right to hold grudges? [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

View Full Version : Is it right to hold grudges?

sunndoggy8

02-19-2002, 07:58 PM

I find myself holding grudges against people for a long time when they break my trust or take advantage of my friendship...is it better just to forgive and forget after some buffer time...does it matter?

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"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."

Sheeplovr

02-19-2002, 08:01 PM

see u do hate me

number 333 its the way to be
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FUNKMAN

02-19-2002, 08:07 PM

Sunny,

it's a Great question... I have recently broken some friendships(or so called friendships, not sure) because i felt i was in the right and I basically just said F it, i don't have time for the bullcrap...
I am civil to these people but hello/goodbye is all I offer...
I guess it will depend on how it all turns out in the long term... Cause right now I'm not 100% sure i did the right thing but it felt 100% right at the time...
You wonder if things could ever be the same?

<img src="http://www.markfarner.com/2001tour/ribfest8_small.jpg">

sunndoggy8

02-19-2002, 08:14 PM

See that's the problem Funkman...second thoughts. It sounds good and morally right to end things, but then...you have doubts.

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"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."

Christy

02-19-2002, 09:15 PM

I never forgive ...

I never forget ...

<IMG SRC="http://norraccm.50megs.com/images/christy.gif">

Poison Ivy

02-19-2002, 09:28 PM

I am the Queen of holding grudges. Especially if you try and involve yourself in my business or drag me into some sort of drama. I will not tolerate it. At some point I may forget but I usually don't forgive....You piss me off once, that 's it, you don't get a chance to do it twice.

<img src=http://spirit515.50megs.com/ivysig.jpg width="300" height="100"> <marquee> Do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin and spin? Well that's what love is like. Makes your heart race, turns your world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see whats happening to the people around you...You can't see that you're about to fall... </marquee>

AngelAmy

02-20-2002, 04:39 AM

i can hold a grudge for the longest time
there is no forgive and forget with me
i have an iron clad memory and will hate you for the rest of your life if you do me wrong

i dont like to be so bitter, but i cant help it

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DarkHippie

02-20-2002, 06:11 AM

what purpose does holding a grudge serve? The other person probably won't care anyway. You're only adding stress and anger to yourself.

forgive, but don't be stupid about it. be trusting, but watch your ass.

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living on the road, my friend, was supposed to keep us free and clean.
now you wear you skin like iron, your breath's as hard as kerosene-- townes van zant "the ballad of poncho and lefty"

Jennitalia

02-20-2002, 06:27 AM

i have a tendency for holding grudges. if somebody breaks my trust, or does something to hurt me or just pisses me off, it's hard for me to get over it. it's almost like i love to hate people

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fatty

02-20-2002, 06:35 AM

i don't bother with grudges. it takes effort, and if you're really that mad why bother bothering yourself with it. if someone wants to be forgiven, i can almost always do it as long as they truly mean it, but if they are just an asshole i don't even bother caring enough to hold a grudge

thanks to WWFallon
and Gvacnomore for the
money sig!

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Poison Ivy

02-20-2002, 10:25 AM

That's not necessarily true. Holding a grude doesn't add stress to my life and I really couldn't care less f it bothers the other person or not, if I don't like you because of something you did, I ignore you....no effort there.

<img src=http://spirit515.50megs.com/ivysig.jpg width="300" height="100"> <marquee> Do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin and spin? Well that's what love is like. Makes your heart race, turns your world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see whats happening to the people around you...You can't see that you're about to fall... </marquee>

impactplayer2k1

02-20-2002, 10:27 AM

I really dont care how sorry you are, you fucked up and you have to live with it. its no sweat of my ass whether or not i talk to you. I'll hold that grudge till the day i die...so dont expect any forgiveness anytime soon!

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Thanks to WWFallon for the sig!

DarkHippie

02-20-2002, 10:35 AM

I ignore you....no effort there.
ignoring someone is different from a grudge. agrudge is anger, true rage, and its not healthy to feel that. I'm not saying to necessarily forgive, just just to let it destroy you.

i used to hate my ex (she moved in with me, then started banging my friend, she was a virgin at the time) but the past is just that. sometimes you gotta walk on by

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support your local 420: union of brotherhood

living on the road, my friend, was supposed to keep us free and clean.
now you wear you skin like iron, your breath's as hard as kerosene-- townes van zant "the ballad of poncho and lefty"

FUNKMAN

02-20-2002, 10:44 AM

See that's the problem Funkman...second thoughts. It sounds good and morally right to end things, but then...you have doubts.

Exactly: I had a friend? i've jammed with for about 8 years, we had great times and he even told me he loved me once cause we had a kickass night of jammin but, he was the only guy who would never offer to bring some soda or beer and never invited me to any of his functions/parties at home. I had invited him and his wife many times...
Turns out I left some equip over his house, a microphone and cable... Over a period of 4/5 months i asked him on at least 4/5 occassions to return it but he never did...It's a small item and money was not the issue, I just got fed up and told him that I couldn't understand his intentions but he could keep the mic and that would be it for jammin together.... He apologized and said he hoped we could get beyond it but I just said F it and we haven't jammed since, about 8 months... I see him in work and hello/goodbye is all i'm about now...
Should I try to make it work again, don't know...I feel it's a "move on" situation...

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Poison Ivy

02-20-2002, 10:55 AM

agrudge is anger, true rage

I don't agree with that at all, I don't see a grudge as anger and rage at all. I see it as not being friends with someone who pissed me off. I just won't ever forgive them and become friends with them again. But I don't waste my time thinking about them or making smart remarks about them. To me, any person I hold a grudge against is dead to me.

<img src=http://spirit515.50megs.com/ivysig.jpg width="300" height="100"> <marquee> Do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin and spin? Well that's what love is like. Makes your heart race, turns your world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see whats happening to the people around you...You can't see that you're about to fall... </marquee>

TheGameHHH

02-20-2002, 12:27 PM

I have a friend who holds grudes for the longest time. He hates some people to this day because they got into a fight as little kids. He doesn't even remember why they fought or what they fought about, its just programed into his head to hate those certain people.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME-AHHH!

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Thanks Fallon for the sig!

GvacNoMore

02-20-2002, 01:20 PM

I'm a strong believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt, and will give anyone a second chance. I do stick to the old "Three Strikes Yer Out" theory, however.

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Poison Ivy

02-20-2002, 01:23 PM

Three strikes your out is ok...but I prefer f*ck me once shame on you ...f*ck me twice shame on me

<img src=http://spirit515.50megs.com/ivysig.jpg width="300" height="100"> <marquee> Do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin and spin? Well that's what love is like. Makes your heart race, turns your world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see whats happening to the people around you...You can't see that you're about to fall... </marquee>

Jennitalia

02-20-2002, 02:05 PM

see, now i love to be fucked twice ;)

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Aldust19

02-20-2002, 02:10 PM

Hey...This book may help with the grudge issue...."The Seven Deadly Needs" by Edward Bear.

al from li

Tall_James

02-20-2002, 07:02 PM

I have Irish Alzheimers. I forget everything except a grudge.

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HordeKing1

02-21-2002, 10:35 AM

I find that the best possible attitude is to be slow to take offense and eager to accept an appology and move on.

However, there are some acts which are so terrible and horrible that they CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT EVER be forgiven.

A few examples: Rapists, child molesters, murderers, or anyone else who ruined lives. By their actions they have removed themselves from anything resembling humanity and are worth only the greatest of contempt and scorn. These people are not worthy of jail; only death, preferably a slow and painful one.

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Big Jim

02-21-2002, 10:46 AM

Holding a grudge is just typical human nature. It stems from one of 3 levels of though, known as Eikasia, or passionate thought. That is the level of thinking that makes you play over and over again that movie in your head of something that somoene did to slight you. Everyone possesses it, and according to my theology professor, the way to get over a grudge, regardless of how strong or how weak it is, is to meditate, discover the root of the grudge, and work past it through Nous, or meditative thought. Wow, I am actually learning some things here at college.

Dumb Donald was so dumb. Instead of praying to God at church, he prays to... <img src = "http://members.aol.com/jimandbryan/myhomepage/rnfbigjim.jpg?mtbrand=AOL_US"> Thank you Jersey Rich for this sig!SEEEEEYUH!!
*BIG JIM*

Poison Ivy

03-14-2002, 12:56 AM

Three strikes your out is ok...but I prefer f*ck me once shame on you ...f*ck me twice shame on me

Yeah I quoted myself...I am reinforcing my own theory. Why you ask? If you do decide to forgive and forget, you are given another reminder of why you should hold the grudge. Because 9 times out of 10 after you forgive them they repeat the same behavior. It's better to hold the grudge so you don't have to deal with the bullshit all over again.

<img src=http://spirit515.50megs.com/ivysig.jpg width="300" height="100"> <marquee>That moment when you kiss someone everything becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that pe<font color='#CEB3D8

03-14-2002, 02:51 AM

Oh yea Of course I hold grudges!!!!!!!

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There's a place in the world for the angry young man With his working class ties and his radical plansHe refuses to bend, he refuses to crawl,He's always at home with his back to the wall.And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost,And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on the cross-And he likes to be knowns as the angry young man.

Doogie

03-14-2002, 04:03 AM

Generally you should not hold a grudge. A grudge means that you tend to be a stubborn person...however, there are circumstances to holding grudges for a long time. Like getting screwed over by a 'friend', or having bf/gf stolen from you, these are special circumstances. Asides from that any problem can be worked through, or as the Beatles say "we can work it out"...

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Thank you WWF Fallon for the sig

seagullbeagle

03-14-2002, 05:40 AM

"the rules that we live by,
called on by a friend,
i've paid my dues, i've lived with you for many wasted long years.... betrayed! by false friends time and time again. i wash my hands, i quit you man, because i'm burned once again.
i have survived."---ignite

its not time for me to go. let me wallow just this once, and drown my sorrows in this glass.---no motiv

Knocked

03-14-2002, 11:54 AM

Nice post Horde King :)

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Seeeya!

LaBoob

08-19-2008, 07:16 AM

I realized I've been holding a grudge against my former best friend for about 10 years. We still communicate every now and then, mostly it's her asking me to hang out, but I haven't wanted to. I make excuses but the reality is I just don't feel like it.

I saw her again at a party over the weekend and had a nice time catching up and it was like old times, but something just wasn't sitting right.

I had a dream last night that I was making out with a guy I was completely infatuated with and she literally just walked in and stole him away. It was this morning when I was reflecting on that dream that I realized THAT HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE! I totally blocked it out (with the help of my good friend Mr Vodka-On-The-Rocks).

I had a huge crush on someone we both worked with and talked about him all the time. I hooked up with him a few times but... and wow, I am getting really angry thinking about this... we went to his birthday party one time and she disappeared with him and it turned out she was having sex with him in his room. She told me later she did it because she was mad at me that I didn't go to her family's Passover Seder because I had to write a paper for school! But she wound up liking him and they hooked up for a while but nothing ever came of it, except me losing him completely, even as a friend.

So this stupid dream brings this whole supressed memory back up to the surface and even though we're both completely different people now it's still bothering me! This definitely explains the time recently when I had a crush on someone, and when I found out from someone that he always had a huge crush on HER I felt the overwhelming urge to punch a wall. Now I know where this is coming from.

I don't know if I can move past this. I think she is always going to be the girl who steals guys away from me, even if she's in a relationship. I even used to introduce my serious boyfriends to her to see what they thought about her (ala Death Becomes Her), and I used to take great pleasure in them telling me she wasn't that cute.

In the past I think I continued staying friends with her after she did that because I was needy and not confident enough to stand on my own, but now I'm much more confident and have many other healthy friendships that I just don't need to be around her anymore. She still is friends with a lot of my friends and she asks me to hang out all the time. I never confronted her on the issue and obviously it's too late now.

Maybe just having this realization can help me move past it and get over it.

A.J.

08-19-2008, 07:20 AM

If you're Italian, it's expected.

Furtherman

08-19-2008, 07:25 AM

She told me later she did it because she was mad at me that I didn't go to her family's Passover Seder because I had to write a paper for school!

Right there. She's not your friend. She's more interested in herself and that other people be interested in her before any kind of friendship.

but now I'm much more confident and have many other healthy friendships that I just don't need to be around her anymore

Good! It sounds like you shouldn't. Drop her. Don't even give her a reason. Let her figure it out.

sr71blackbird

08-19-2008, 07:39 AM

I can understand why you held and still do hold a grudge against this girl. She seems vandictive to me.
I myself do not generally hold grudges though. I know that people are human and make mistakes in judgement from time to time. There was this guy I worked with once who almost had me fired once and I had to go though hell and had this on my work record etc, and in the end I did not lose the job and we became friends. I went to his wedding and when he left the company we had a going away party for him and I almost lost it saying goodbye to him.
I have known people (mostly women though) who hold grudges for years and years. I do know men who hold them, but they seem rare. Most guys I know who get into a, argument/ fight and its over in minutes and they go back to being best friends. But my own father hates this lawyer who screwed him once with a burning passion and has for over 20 years now
While I have always gone by the adage "Its all water under the bridge".

LaBoob

08-19-2008, 07:46 AM

Good! It sounds like you shouldn't. Drop her. Don't even give her a reason. Let her figure it out.

You're right and it's the advice I would give to anybody else in this situation. I guess I'm confused about it because it's been so long that I've been NOT dealing with what she did to me and not ever telling her it bothered me, and I feel like it would be really hard for me to just drop her without ever having any closure, especially since I'll see her from time to time at other friends' things they invite her to. I tend to feel guilty about just throwing a friend away and I really take it to heart, but when it comes down to it I've had better friends than her since then and our relationship wasn't even that healthy to begin with. I guess I can be pleasant to her and just get really busy whenever she asks me to hang out on our own like I have been doing for the past few years.

Whether I hang out with her or avoid her, I think this will always be something that bothers the shit out of me.

jonyrotn

08-19-2008, 08:05 AM

I'm feelin ya boob! Holla at your boi!

This bitch clearly hurt you very deeply and scarred your confidence forever..There is no way you should allow this back stabbing kunt back into your life in any meaningful way..What she did to you doesn't just happen by accident, it takes a certain type of person to pull off such a dirty deed..A user always uses, a bitch always bitches and this skank will for all times be a skank, unworthy of your awesome friendship..

She's lucky you don't post her phone number right here for every creepy interwebber to do with what he may..:devil2:

Just sayin..:wink:

~Katja~

08-19-2008, 08:37 AM

Right there. She's not your friend. She's more interested in herself and that other people be interested in her before any kind of friendship.

.

no, she said it was 10 years ago and she still can't get past it.
Sure it was a big break in trust and sure your friend was very selfish to get into this just to hurt you, but what happened 10 years ago in no way effects your life today. It probably never effected you directly immediately after, because it made clear that you were not supposed to be with that guy and he was not serious about you.

growing up my best friend stole from me and lied about it so that I got in trouble. We were kids and priorities are much different when you are a child.
I forgave her almost immediately and it has been that way with almost every person in my life. It makes it easier to be happy and not look for reasons of why someone did you wrong or would intentionally want to hurt you still 10 years after it happens.
You need to focus on positive future and what you possibly could gain out of the friendship rather than search for what you lost through it.
Your gain will be much bigger than your loss!

I may have read that wrong as for how long she has been your friend versus when this happened

Dougie Brootal

08-19-2008, 09:57 AM

im thinking of holding a grudge against my older brother right now...

IamFogHat

08-19-2008, 10:18 AM

I don't understand grudges. Then again I'm a sociopath so feelings are different animals with me than most people.
More importantly, I love these old threads where you get to see old posters and old sig pics.

LaBoob

08-19-2008, 01:17 PM

Thanks for the advice, Katja. It's definitely something to think about. I like the idea of pursuing a positive future because obviously shutting her out and holding a grudge doesn't make me feel better. Today I gave this whole situation some serious thought and realized that a lot of this comes from jealousy on my part. I should probably work on getting over that. But... I've always been really careful about bringing girls into my inner circle (bitches!!!), and I will probably not just forgive and forget, but give the situation some time to see if there have been any positive changes on her part, as there have been in mine... my god it's been 10 years after all!

And thanks jony for gettin' my back! I WILL keep that in mind! :thumbup:

CYYYFYYY

08-19-2008, 01:27 PM

I know this may shock some of you guys but I am very forgiving. I still watch my back but I forgive. I usually regret forgiving them. So here is my vote for holding grudges! Sorry does not cut it