Fear & Self-Loathing on the RonFez.net [Archive]

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sr71blackbird

04-09-2005, 08:42 PM

This thread is all for and about those of us who from time to time do things or say things or react to things or even feel things that make us pissed off and hating ourselves.  For those of us who might relive over and over again an event that happened many years ago.  We who find ourselves thinking back to it and still are effected by how we felt back then, like a fist to the stomach.  It could be how we didnt handle a reaction to something, or didnt reply with the wittiest comeback, or whatever.Are you still effected by past events/reactions? Do you hate and fear some aspects of yourself that kind of requires that you rip yourself apart, even though its long over and done?

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fiestygal

04-09-2005, 08:52 PM

man this is deep.....i also relive things that have happened but mostly the pain that i deal with was from the actions of others... my self loathing  is more asteem wise...i never deliberatly went out of my way to go and hurt someone though....i know i am a good person and that i am good to others but i cannot seem to allow myself to love myself or find what others find good or whatever... id give the shirt off my back to help someone out but to help myself out its a struggle at times....

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ToddEVF

04-09-2005, 08:57 PM

I didn't think you could sum up the whole confessional section in one thread. anyway, mine takes place a long time ago, back when. . .::locks at watch:: Look at that, my time is upsee you kids next week for more wacky tales of the self hating i do

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Death Metal Moe

04-09-2005, 09:08 PM

I love to hate myself, and hate to love myself.  I am the best and worst person I know at the same time. 

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A.J.

04-09-2005, 11:18 PM

quote: Are you still effected by past events/reactions? Do you hate and fear some aspects of yourself that kind of requires that you rip yourself apart, even though its long over and done? YES.

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PanterA

04-09-2005, 11:30 PM

I think about shit i've done in the past all the time. You know what I say? Fuck it! that's just the way life goes man. Some time I think about this time, God it muyst havre been at least 12 years ago. I was in a bar dancing with this hot girl, I asked her for her number that night, but thinking back on it, she was in no way intrested in me. The number I got that night was to I dont even know whos house...I called it 3 times the very next day asking if "this was the girl I danced with last night" lol I was a herb man. I still wont forgive myself for that, but whatever. I dont get embarrassed anymore. It's all a part of life. I've learned one thing, tomorrow is another day. If you embarrassed yourself last night, that just means you have all day today to do it again...and probably will. I've learned to except things as they come, and honestly, if I do something that makes people laugh at me...I just start laughing along with them. Listen, no one is perfect. We all do stupid things, we just have to be able to laugh at ourselves.

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ToddEVF

04-10-2005, 12:43 AM

Listen, no one is perfect. We all do stupid things, we just have to be able to laugh at ourselves.Amen broth Pantera, preach on.

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sr71blackbird

04-10-2005, 04:37 AM

I find that I will say something that I didnt thing was innapropriate at the time, but will later think about it and become overcome with dread that it was the wrong thing to say it it consumes me.  I think about stuff I did and said years ago and it bothers me! I know that I shouldnt dwell on things that cant be changed and tearing myself up isnt going to change anyones opinion of me.  That nothing I do ever has an effect on how someone perceives me, especially after the fact (like if I went back to them and tried to explain what I meant earlier or whatever). I think a part of me wants to torture myself for the past in an attempt to change the way I behave in the future.Yet still, there are others things that I probably can or should change about myself, things I hate. Like my weight, or my fitness.  I know Ive gained quite a bit of weight over the past 3 years and there was a year or two that I kind of gave up on excercising.  And now I see that my clothes dont fit and I get winded easily and I really want to get back in shape.  Last night I walked 5 miles and right now I am agony!  When I was reading meters I walked 10 miles a day and didnt have many problems doing it.  I had to stop 4 times in my walk last night and stretch and uncramp myself and I kept beating myself up for letting myself get this bad.  I was torturing myself.  

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Snoogans

04-10-2005, 05:13 AM

<img width="180" height="217" border="0" src="http://www.islandentertainmentsonline.com/acatalog/hippy%201.jpg" /> dont hate yourself.....i love you man 

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JPMNICK

04-10-2005, 05:32 AM

SR71 - You have got to get into something like that slow, and take your time expecting results. 5 Miles is a lot to walk if you are not in good shape. Start off with stretching and a mile. Do that for a week. The increas a 1/2 mile every week. If one of the weeks it was hard for you, then stay at that distance for the next week. You can not expect to be able to just jump back into something. Its a similiar problem with weight loss. You have got set the goal of 1 pound per week. Most people want instant results, and if in one month of dieting they only lost 4 pounds, they think it is a failure. they can not see long term that the end of the year it would be 50 pounds. They think skipping McDonalds 3 times in a week should mean they will look good in a bathing suit. I am not saying this is you in anyway, jut general sentiment. Don't beat yourself up over this, a strong mental attitude is what you need to get out of it. Make this Day1. you are in this situation, and formultae a plan on how to get out. but just make the plan realistic. Walk 3-4 nights per week, instead of sayign I am going to get up at 4:00am everyday and workout and lift weights and eat only egg whites...... shit like that can never last. 

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fluffernutter

04-10-2005, 06:52 AM

I like these opportunities to express that complete and utter
disgust and self-loathing with myself. This isd a good place to vent. quote:Do you hate and fear some
aspects of yourself that kind of requires that you rip yourself apart,
even though its long over and done? Pretty
much all the time. I have a certain way I think of myself, mostly
negative because, well, I feel it is well deserved. I very seldom try
to look out for myself and do things to make myself happy. Honestly,
the things that make me happy, even though I ALWAYS wind up getting
dicked and taken advantage of in the end is making others happy and
seeing their smiles and or reactions. That's why I draw and like to
share it with you's here. I like to get compliments from others who say
that something I created made them smile or got a charge out of them. I
know though that if I didn't have that supposed talent to share and was
just a meaningless poster on here, than I would just get lost in the
shuffle and unnoticed. I sometimes wish I could see through these
blinders to see what others see cause I sure don't see it. I look in
the mirror in the morning and see the same pile of shit that I have
been for the last 10 years. I feel that way in life too. No one
really notices me but when I do hold that door for someone or give to
charity or something and someone says thatnk you that makes me happy
knowing I helped someone else. I think the word is altruism. al·tru·ism (<img width="7" height="15" border="0" align="bottom" alt="" src="http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/AHD4/GIF/abreve.gif" />l<img width="4" height="22" border="0" align="bottom" alt="" src="http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/AHD4/GIF/prime.gif" />tr<img width="13" height="14" border="0" align="bottom" alt="" src="http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/AHD4/GIF/oomacr.gif" />-<img width="7" height="15" border="0" align="bottom" alt="" src="http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/AHD4/GIF/ibreve.gif" />z<img width="3" height="22" border="0" align="bottom" alt="" src="http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/AHD4/GIF/lprime.gif" /><img width="6" height="15" border="0" align="bottom" alt="" src="http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/AHD4/GIF/schwa.gif" />m) 

n. 
<ol>
<li>Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.</li>
</ol>
Yeah that's it.These lyrics from Redemption Denied from Blood For Blood always ring true with me:
I've got no future but I think I can deal with it, I think I can live, 

if I can just look at one person and see them smile at me and know that they meant it. It's
fucked up because people tell me they wish I could see myself the way
that they saw me. If that's the case then why do those same people take
me for granted, make fun of me and use me and render me useless after I
have done good for them. It has happened more times than I can count
but you know, I'll keep doing good and being who I am cause one of
these days there is going to be someone that is genuine in their
appreciation. I just get scared cause I know the whole routine BUT I
have learned not to let it hurt me anymore. I guess I am a sucker
sometimes. 
I haven't lost hope just yet. 

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This message was edited by fluffernutter on 4-10-05 @ 10:54 AM

Bulldogcakes

04-10-2005, 07:53 AM

This is why its important to just not give a shit. Works for me. 

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angrymissy

04-10-2005, 08:27 AM

can't change whats happened in the past, so there is no point in worrying about it

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furie

04-10-2005, 10:00 AM

regret is perhaps the most self-destructive emotion, because it lasts.
Unfortunately it's also the most common trait, because we all carry a
burden. 
 
Sure there are things that I regret, but I don't let it consume me.
Sometimes I'll think of an even that happened years ago, usually for no
apparent reason, and feel a pang of regret. But I push it aside. I
don't dwell on it. 
 

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FUNKMAN

04-10-2005, 12:51 PM

regret is good to keep in the back of your mind. let it be a reminder to learn from mistakes and to not make them again

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torker

04-10-2005, 01:12 PM

Regret...that's the flavor.

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Mike Teacher

04-10-2005, 03:14 PM

There is a notion that the past can not be changed. This is not so for many who endeavour to do so.Ron receommended 'What the Bleep do We know?!' to me long ago; run out and get that, it's just out on DVD, and the site for the movie = whatthebleep.comThe movie takes a look at how the macro-world is affected by Quantum Physics. In short, science is beginning to show us that what we perceive as Reality, is more what we choose to manifest as our Reality. That we become addicted to our emotions, and will seek out situations that re-inforce our emotions, be they happiness, sadness, ager, joy, sex drive...That we can choose to construct an inner architecture, by realizing that only in states where we leave our habits and desires and the base level that we choose to live, that something real can change, through a discipline of thought, and a realization that each of us is exactly as succesful and as happy as we choose to be. That we realize the human potential only when we strip away old conventions of what the self is, what the world is, of what we are capable of.That every single one of us is much, much, much more capable of things then we can ever imagine. Many if not most of the limits that hold us back are of our own construction. We choose to be held back. We endeavour to fail. We seek out the fight with the lover. We become addicted to feeling like shit, or lashing out, and these addictions, first kill us, and second, put us in a life where we are, as one from the movie puts it, already 3/4 of the way into the grave. I see these people everyday. They ponder nothing. We can rise above the reptilian brains that are still inside us, and acting, because it has to, the Limbic system and the R=Complex still gives us the base feelings of anger, jealousy, territoriality. Only in the higher brain, the cerebral cortex, can we disembark on things that can actually change us, and change the world.How we think about the world determines how we percieve the World How we perceive the world determins how we interact with the World How we interact with the world changes the World. So...How we think about the world, changes the world. Most definately our own.

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Reephdweller

04-10-2005, 07:27 PM

So earlier this week after an embarassing moment I had this epiphany, and idea for a thread. I would build a thread that would be a repository of peoples most self loathsome moments. I would make a self loathing thread. So I tell my girlfriend of the idea and start crafting the foundation for the thread, how I would word it and title it, etc. I even went so far as to tell my brother of the idea as well. Imagine my surprise to now see this thread on the board, posted by no less than...my brother. I guess this is just another reason to loathe myself.I'll just walk away now.<img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/sad.gif" border="0" /><img height="200" src="http://www.menagerie.on.ca/09-98/dl4.gif" width="199" border="0" /><img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/sad.gif" border="0" />

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Death Metal Moe

04-10-2005, 07:30 PM

No offense, but this is a thread about some real personal stuff that I know I'm not willing to talk about with all of you.  I mean do I really want to talk about that girl I should have asked out, that time I left my family down, that one thing that always disgusts me about myself?  Hell no.  Not here.  Actually, not ever, with anyone.

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FUNKMAN

04-10-2005, 07:54 PM

No offense, but this is a thread about some real personal stuff that I know I'm not willing to talk about with all of you. same here... if i confessed to the many awful things i did i'd be so ashamed and people would be justifiied in hating me...this is why when bad things happen to me now i always say "what goes around comes around"...

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Reephdweller

04-10-2005, 08:47 PM

My idea for this thread was more along the lines of the funny embarassing things we all may do from time to time. Whether it is as the Brian Regan joke goes of saying "Take Luck!" when you meant to say "Take Care" or Good Luck" sort've thing.More of a humorous approach. Here's an example of what I mean. The other day I went to get my truck cleaned at the car wash, so I found this place on Sunrise highway that looked really professional so I decided to go there to have it done. So I pull up and this guy comes over and asks what kind've wash I'd like to get. I tell him what I want then step out of the truck to pay for the wash. I get to the register have a little chit chat with the woman and pay the bill. She hands me this painters stick and tells me to hand it to the guy who washes the car after it's all done. So I stand there and watch the whole process and was actually very impressed with how professional they did the job. So impressed was I, that when I heard the guy whistle for me to come over that the job was done I walked over and what do I do when he extends his hand? I shake his hand like a buffoon! Like a goddamn buffoon. I should have been sucker punched for that move. Instead he goes "NO, THE STICK!" and I go "Oh, oh yeah, oops" and clumbsily and embarrassed I quietly handed him the stick and his tip and drove away.I felt so annoyed by that, which really was a nothing thing, but I thought the kind of tiny embarassment that I make from time to time that perhaps deserved a thread of it's own. The sort've collective of all the little things we do that annoy us from time to time.

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FUNKMAN

04-10-2005, 08:57 PM

when i was 'best man' about 8 years back i had to make a speech at the reception. i usually get emotional and get a little nervous so i thought it be a good idea to write the speech down and read it. I did however make a point of looking up at my buddy and his wife and the crowd as i read.i felt a little bad that i was reading the speech so i decided to put a joke in to explain why, i thought it was a good joke at the time but I think it bombed pretty good, here it is:"the reason i had to write the speech down on paper is because i get emotional and trip over my words more than Gerald Ford tripped getting out of airplanes"to be honest it still makes me chuckle but i think i'm the only one who enjoys it

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HBox

04-10-2005, 10:37 PM

quote:Ron receommended 'What the
Bleep do We know?!' to me long ago; run out and get that, it's just out
on DVD, and the site for the movie = whatthebleep.com <a target="_self" href="http://www.wweek.com/story.php?story=5860&page=1">Here's an article about the cult behind that film, and the shyster behind that cult.</a> Just
google Ramtha. There's some fucking hilarious shit going on with these
numbskulls following this lady. The shit they believe is almost as
funny as the shit behind Scientology.
What most viewers don't realize is that What the Bleep (which also screens as What the #$*! Do We Know?) is the work of a strange sect headquartered a couple of hours north of Portland in the prairie town of Yelm, Wash.
The
sect is dedicated to Ramtha, a mighty warrior-spirit from Atlantis, who
speaks in a hokey English accent through his channeler, a former
cable-TV saleswoman named JZ Knight, who plays herself in What the Bleep.
 

Let Us Trim Our Hair In Accordance with Socialist Lifestyle!





This message was edited by HBox on 4-11-05 @ 2:44 AM

ChickenHawk

04-10-2005, 10:40 PM

I hate myself.

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Mike Teacher

04-11-2005, 02:50 AM

Yep, HBox, my already too long post didnt leave room for the Caveats.Given that many of the people involved with the film are part of an organization [others are not] and there's is a LOT of speculative and/or just plain bunk science in it; it gives a pretty good explanation of superposition of quantum states, the nature of matter, what QP says about the world in general.

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fluffernutter

04-11-2005, 05:33 AM

No offense, but this is a thread about some real personal stuff that I know I'm not willing to talk about with all of you.I
thought that same thing. I then realised no one reads what I have to
say anyway cause I am so long winded and drawn out. Then again there is
that certain comfort with me just throwing myself under the bus. 

http://www.pleaseforgetme.com/SIGS/bush.gif

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AngelAmy

04-11-2005, 05:59 AM

yesterday i was sitting in the passenger seat while reef was driving me home.  we come to a point where we have to yeild onto a road (big shocker in jersey, i know).  this person in front of us didnt go when i expected them to. we werent even going fast, not even close to hitting them but for some reason i stepped on the brake.  the invisible break in the passenger seat.  i cant get over it, i have never done that before and i hope to never do it again.<img height="138" src="http://www.osirusonline.com/amysblog/yoursign.jpg" width="150" border="0" />here's my sign.

<center>You can speak your mind but not on my time.
<img src="http://www.osirusonline.com/EmSig.jpg">
To all the people who never gave love, and continue to deny me 'cuz of what I look like: suck my dick you fucks!!!
I dunno where I'm goin', all I know is when I get there someone's gonna touch my body.

AngelAmy

04-11-2005, 06:10 AM

here's a quickie for ya Reef: I'm watching the Yankee game, it's 2-2 in the 7th. Amy: Are they losing?You can speak your mind but not on my time. <img src="http://www.osirusonline.com/EmSig.jpg" border="0" /> To all the people who never gave love, and continue to deny me 'cuz of what I look like: suck my dick you fucks!!! I dunno where I'm goin', all I know is when I get there someone's gonna touch my body.

This message was edited by AngelAmy on 4-11-05 @ 10:10 AM

grlNIN

04-11-2005, 09:16 AM

When i was about 10 i was eating dinner at my friend's house and hid the food in a napkin then flushed it down the toilet because it tasted bad. Sorry, Sandra's Mom.....wherever you are. 

 
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Jennitalia

04-11-2005, 09:30 AM

i was at my friend's house once when i was in 6th grade and during dinner, i got my period.  one of the first times i ever got it.  i got blood all over the chair, and tried to blame it on the ketchup.

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Furtherman

04-11-2005, 09:52 AM

Everything. Okay, I'll talk. In third grade I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade I stole my Uncle Max's toupe and I glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew school play. In fifth grade I knocked my sister Edith down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... Then my mom sent me to...to a summer camp for fat kids. And that was third lunch I got nuts and I pigged out, and they kicked me out.  But the worst thing I ever done, I mixed up all this fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theatre, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony, and then, then I made a noise like this. BLLLLLOOOOAAAAHHHHHH!  And, and then I dumped it over the side on all the people in the audience.  Then, th-then then this was horrible, all the people started getting sick, and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.  

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FUNKMAN

04-11-2005, 10:11 AM

what a goonie...

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm3_sig.jpg">

SatCam

04-11-2005, 11:32 AM

I find that I will say something that I didnt thing was innapropriate at the time, but will later think about it and become overcome with dread that it was the wrong thing to say it it consumes me.I have the same problem!  Every once and a while, I'll make a quick comment to someone and then realize what I said was pretty fucked up.  It usually doesn't occur to me that I was an asshole until later, but it usually bugs me for atleast a day.

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WhistlePig

04-11-2005, 02:48 PM

[quote]quote:<hr color="cococo" align="left">My idea for this thread was more along the lines of the funny embarassing things we all may do from time to time. Whether it is as the Brian Regan joke goes of saying "Take Luck!" when you meant to say "Take Care" or Good Luck" sort've thing.More of a humorous approach. 

Here's one that still turns my face red with humiliation to this day. It was about 15 years ago when I was a telephone operator. I got into a snippy argument with a royal bitch on the other line about her collect call and something about what area of the country she was calling. This chick was really pissing me off and I wanted to say something about not being a geograpy expert but I ended up blurting out "I'm not a geologist" this just gave her MORE fuel to prove I was a stupid moron. ARRAAGHHH!

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Reephdweller

04-19-2005, 10:02 AM

Last night I was listening to O&A through XM's online streaming, after about 20 minutes the sound cut out. I tried playing around with numerous stations and I couldn't get any sounds. I tried logging off and on and nothing would work. I sort've forgot about it running and went to take a shower. About 20 minutes later I hear this extremely loud noise. I start hearing Lil' Jimmy Norton cursing someone out REAAAL loud. I scramble out of the shower and race to my room. The sound had come back on and the volume was all the way back up blaring. DOH!!

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