AnnoyedGrunt
04-27-2007, 07:33 PM
I wrote this list rant a few years back on a site where I used to review movies. I was going through some old files, found this rant and thought somebody here might enjoy it.
**************
50 Things I Hate About Porn
By Azzoyed Gaunt
Editor’s Note: Annoyed Grunt has been very busy with school lately and thus can’t contribute to the site as much as he would like. Luckily, his cousin sent in this rant to help pick up his slack. Grunt is a good Christian boy who would never watch a tape devoted to the Devil’s business.
Hello, my name is Azzoyed Gaunt and I love porn. I really do. Hell, every guy out there does. Anyone who says differently is a liar and a Communist. To paraphrase Homer Simpson, “Mmmmm, adult cinema.” From reverse cowboys to DVDA, porn has it all. It’s the hardest business in the world and if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
But don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I don’t like about porn. Here’s a list of 50 off the top of my head.
1. It’s hard to find porn on the net.
2. Hardcore porn is great, but softcore porn is the worst thing EVER! To quote comedian Bill Hicks, “It’s like someone said ‘let’s keep the witty dialogue and intricate plot, but make a fuck film without the fucking!’”
3. When softcore films show a girl about to go downtown but then only show the guy’s face.
4. Another one from Bill Hicks, “I hate these pretentious porn magazines. ‘Our models are over 18'. Models? Okay, how are they wearing semen this year? On the chin?”
5. There are X rated flicks, XXX videos, but where’s the double X? Something has to bridge the gap between the traditional three act structure and disgusting cream pies.
6. There are flicks with clever parody names, but the joke stops there. Is it too much to ask for ‘The Sopornos 8' to have a mob related plot? The whole genre seems to have reached it’s apex with ‘Edward Penishands’
7. Southern Cumfort. Up and Cummers. The Loadman Cummith. Guys, the pun has really worn thin.
8. Movies with typos in the titles. “Exxxposed Amateurs”? Don’t they have spellcheck?
9. I’m fine with phone sex ads before the main feature, but why include ads for a gay sex hotline? I didn’t sign up for that, brother.
10. The lack of classic 70's porn music these days. It’s tradition, damn it!
11. The stereotypical pizza man scenario has rarely been done. It’s the ‘Play it again, Sam”of adult features.
12. Slutty nurses and naughty school girls. Can you say, ‘played out’? How ‘bout some new ideas?
13. Every few years there’s a new ‘World’s Biggest Gangbang’ video, making all previous releases obsolete. How can I enjoy a girl taking on 500 guys when I know someone else did 600?
14. Girls with ugly ass tattoos in the small of the back/top of the crack.
15. Genital piercing. This goes for guys too. Put Prince Albert back in the can.
16. Movies with too much plot.
17. Movies with no plot.
18. The fact gonzo porn has nothing to do with the Muppets or Hunter S. Thompson.
19. The Bang Bus. For those of you who don’t know it’s a ‘reality’ porn series where 2 obnoxious guys drive around, pick up hitchhikers, degrade them and leave them in the middle of nowhere. Not funny, not erotic, just stupid and vaguely disgusting.
20. The Slut Mobile. Same as above, but the girls pick up guys. Although nobody told them that the situation wouldn’t be degrading to guys, it would be awesome.
21. Speaking of ‘reality’ porn, I hate it when they try to pass off professionals as amateurs. You don’t see Clint Eastwood playing the old guy on Survivor this year.
22. The Love Zoo. I don’t know what goes on there, but if it’s what I think- Ewwww!
23. Horrible editing. You wouldn’t think jump cuts would distract from nekkid ladies, but you’d be wrong.
24. When they don’t show the transitions between positions. How the Hell am I supposed to learn without transitions?
25. Okay, we’ve all seen it. The action is coming to an end, the two parties separate and the guy brings himself to a full release, often all over the girl’s face. If I wanted to see a dude pound one out, I’d look in the mirror.
26. Skinny broads. I don’t want to be able to count your ribs, Skeletor.
27. Obscenely large implants. Wendy Whoppers, I’m looking in your direction.
28. Old guys. If you’re going grey you had better bring something special to the table.
29. 6 hour comp tapes with every type of porn known to man- including transsexuals!
30. When the transsexuals in question are just men in drag. I don’t want to see either, but why not be truthful about it?
31. There are over 30 girls who go by the name Jenna or Jeanna. How is any serious fan supposed to keep them straight.
32. Cindy Crawford. The porn star, not the model. If this was 1993 and was duped in to buying a Cindy Crawford video, I would have been pissed.
33. Girls taking a shot in the eye. It’s disgusting. I’d rather watch the splinter scene from Zombie, thank you very much.
34. The fact there’s a video called “Pinkeye” where they give girls the Ludovico treatment and take their best shot
35. They haven’t used comic books for inspiration nearly enough. Sure there’s Buttman and Rubbin, but think of what they could do with The Iron Fist, The Punisher and The Elongated Man, not to mention Giant Sized Man-Thing.
36. The definition of an ‘orgy’ has become very loose in recent years. Two couples isn’t an orgy, it’s two people fucking beside their friends.
37. Teens played by chicks in their 30's. What is this, 90210?
38. Where are the 2 disc ultimate edition DVD’s?
39. Hentai. I may be in the minority, but animated girls raped by an evil octopus isn’t my idea of a good time.
40. To quote Stan Lee, “German scat films. ‘Nuff said”
41. The ratio of Asian chicks to Asian dudes is very skewed.
42. Internet geeks who spell it “pr0n”. Losers.
43. Rocco, Max Hardcore, Brandon Iron and the other guys who treat the girls like crap, make them gag and/or vomit, etc.
44. Guys with tan lines. It's hard enough pretneding it's hetrosexual when watching three guys and one girl without having to realize one of them was wearing a speedo at the beach the other day.
45. When you're watching what seems to be regular, all American porn and all the sudden a foot job comes out of nowhere. Let's keep the fetishes in the fetish section, shall we?
46. Magically appearing condoms. I can appreciate that these fine folks don't want to catch any diseases but it bugs me when the disolve to a new shot and suddenly the guy is wearing a bag. Of course when it's time to finish up the condom is gone again. It's like seeing the strings on the Millenium Falcon.
47. Rob Black and Lizzy Borden for making Forced Entry
48. Rob Black for threatening to feed a puppy to a snake on one of his fetish sites.
49. The lack of good roles for minority actors. Where are the smart, well read, well hung black characters? They can’t all be gangstas, can they?
50. The fact porn is sexist and perpetuates a chauvinistic attitude.
Two of these facts are lies. Guess which ones.
**************
50 Things I Hate About Porn
By Azzoyed Gaunt
Editor’s Note: Annoyed Grunt has been very busy with school lately and thus can’t contribute to the site as much as he would like. Luckily, his cousin sent in this rant to help pick up his slack. Grunt is a good Christian boy who would never watch a tape devoted to the Devil’s business.
Hello, my name is Azzoyed Gaunt and I love porn. I really do. Hell, every guy out there does. Anyone who says differently is a liar and a Communist. To paraphrase Homer Simpson, “Mmmmm, adult cinema.” From reverse cowboys to DVDA, porn has it all. It’s the hardest business in the world and if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
But don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I don’t like about porn. Here’s a list of 50 off the top of my head.
1. It’s hard to find porn on the net.
2. Hardcore porn is great, but softcore porn is the worst thing EVER! To quote comedian Bill Hicks, “It’s like someone said ‘let’s keep the witty dialogue and intricate plot, but make a fuck film without the fucking!’”
3. When softcore films show a girl about to go downtown but then only show the guy’s face.
4. Another one from Bill Hicks, “I hate these pretentious porn magazines. ‘Our models are over 18'. Models? Okay, how are they wearing semen this year? On the chin?”
5. There are X rated flicks, XXX videos, but where’s the double X? Something has to bridge the gap between the traditional three act structure and disgusting cream pies.
6. There are flicks with clever parody names, but the joke stops there. Is it too much to ask for ‘The Sopornos 8' to have a mob related plot? The whole genre seems to have reached it’s apex with ‘Edward Penishands’
7. Southern Cumfort. Up and Cummers. The Loadman Cummith. Guys, the pun has really worn thin.
8. Movies with typos in the titles. “Exxxposed Amateurs”? Don’t they have spellcheck?
9. I’m fine with phone sex ads before the main feature, but why include ads for a gay sex hotline? I didn’t sign up for that, brother.
10. The lack of classic 70's porn music these days. It’s tradition, damn it!
11. The stereotypical pizza man scenario has rarely been done. It’s the ‘Play it again, Sam”of adult features.
12. Slutty nurses and naughty school girls. Can you say, ‘played out’? How ‘bout some new ideas?
13. Every few years there’s a new ‘World’s Biggest Gangbang’ video, making all previous releases obsolete. How can I enjoy a girl taking on 500 guys when I know someone else did 600?
14. Girls with ugly ass tattoos in the small of the back/top of the crack.
15. Genital piercing. This goes for guys too. Put Prince Albert back in the can.
16. Movies with too much plot.
17. Movies with no plot.
18. The fact gonzo porn has nothing to do with the Muppets or Hunter S. Thompson.
19. The Bang Bus. For those of you who don’t know it’s a ‘reality’ porn series where 2 obnoxious guys drive around, pick up hitchhikers, degrade them and leave them in the middle of nowhere. Not funny, not erotic, just stupid and vaguely disgusting.
20. The Slut Mobile. Same as above, but the girls pick up guys. Although nobody told them that the situation wouldn’t be degrading to guys, it would be awesome.
21. Speaking of ‘reality’ porn, I hate it when they try to pass off professionals as amateurs. You don’t see Clint Eastwood playing the old guy on Survivor this year.
22. The Love Zoo. I don’t know what goes on there, but if it’s what I think- Ewwww!
23. Horrible editing. You wouldn’t think jump cuts would distract from nekkid ladies, but you’d be wrong.
24. When they don’t show the transitions between positions. How the Hell am I supposed to learn without transitions?
25. Okay, we’ve all seen it. The action is coming to an end, the two parties separate and the guy brings himself to a full release, often all over the girl’s face. If I wanted to see a dude pound one out, I’d look in the mirror.
26. Skinny broads. I don’t want to be able to count your ribs, Skeletor.
27. Obscenely large implants. Wendy Whoppers, I’m looking in your direction.
28. Old guys. If you’re going grey you had better bring something special to the table.
29. 6 hour comp tapes with every type of porn known to man- including transsexuals!
30. When the transsexuals in question are just men in drag. I don’t want to see either, but why not be truthful about it?
31. There are over 30 girls who go by the name Jenna or Jeanna. How is any serious fan supposed to keep them straight.
32. Cindy Crawford. The porn star, not the model. If this was 1993 and was duped in to buying a Cindy Crawford video, I would have been pissed.
33. Girls taking a shot in the eye. It’s disgusting. I’d rather watch the splinter scene from Zombie, thank you very much.
34. The fact there’s a video called “Pinkeye” where they give girls the Ludovico treatment and take their best shot
35. They haven’t used comic books for inspiration nearly enough. Sure there’s Buttman and Rubbin, but think of what they could do with The Iron Fist, The Punisher and The Elongated Man, not to mention Giant Sized Man-Thing.
36. The definition of an ‘orgy’ has become very loose in recent years. Two couples isn’t an orgy, it’s two people fucking beside their friends.
37. Teens played by chicks in their 30's. What is this, 90210?
38. Where are the 2 disc ultimate edition DVD’s?
39. Hentai. I may be in the minority, but animated girls raped by an evil octopus isn’t my idea of a good time.
40. To quote Stan Lee, “German scat films. ‘Nuff said”
41. The ratio of Asian chicks to Asian dudes is very skewed.
42. Internet geeks who spell it “pr0n”. Losers.
43. Rocco, Max Hardcore, Brandon Iron and the other guys who treat the girls like crap, make them gag and/or vomit, etc.
44. Guys with tan lines. It's hard enough pretneding it's hetrosexual when watching three guys and one girl without having to realize one of them was wearing a speedo at the beach the other day.
45. When you're watching what seems to be regular, all American porn and all the sudden a foot job comes out of nowhere. Let's keep the fetishes in the fetish section, shall we?
46. Magically appearing condoms. I can appreciate that these fine folks don't want to catch any diseases but it bugs me when the disolve to a new shot and suddenly the guy is wearing a bag. Of course when it's time to finish up the condom is gone again. It's like seeing the strings on the Millenium Falcon.
47. Rob Black and Lizzy Borden for making Forced Entry
48. Rob Black for threatening to feed a puppy to a snake on one of his fetish sites.
49. The lack of good roles for minority actors. Where are the smart, well read, well hung black characters? They can’t all be gangstas, can they?
50. The fact porn is sexist and perpetuates a chauvinistic attitude.
Two of these facts are lies. Guess which ones.