My Pants Are Ruined

[underdog]

So last night, I went out drinking with the regional manager and my co-manager after work. After drinking at a local bar, my boss decided he wanted to go to a strip club. I explained I had no money, and he told me not to worry about it, it will be taken care of. So off we journeyed to the first strip club where we were turned away because my 49 year old co-manager had an expired license, so they wouldn't let us in. After that, we traveled to another popular strip club, which let us in with no issue.

I'm sitting at the stage while my boss is getting a dance, he comes back with the ugly girl who was dancing for him. She asks me, "You want a dance?" I say no, as I don't want a dance from ugly, but my boss yells out, "I'll pay for it! Go!" She grabs me and pulls me away. About two minutes into the dance she suddenly jumps up and says, "I have to go to the bathroom, I'm sorry. No charge for the dance," and runs away. I, thinking nothing, just wander back to my seat. After a couple of minutes, I decide to get up and go to the bathroom. I'm peeing, look down and notice a small drop of blood on my shirt. I realize the girl had to run away because she got her period. The stripper fucking bled all over me. I thought it was just my shirt, but I looked on my crotch and it looked like someone killed a small animal in my lap. So I got back and tell my coworkers, who begin to fucking laugh harder than I've ever heard anyone laugh. And I couldn't blame them. It was simultaneously the most grotesque and hilarious thing that has ever happened to me. We called over the manager who gave us a bunch of free shirts and free passes and offered us free sodas (you can't give away free drinks due to Mass law). Strippers would come up and I'd be hiding my shame patch under a table, and my two coworkers would make the strippers guess what was on my pants. They actually had a girl give me a lapdance afterward, and she put a t-shirt on my lap to protect herself. The entire dance, all I could hear were my coworkers howling with laughter. Good times.

Beyond all this, last night, my two coworkers kept saying stuff like, "you're not going to tell your wife, are you?" And all day today, other coworkers kept asking if my wife made me sleep on the couch or if she hit me or was angry at me. What kind of women do most men marry? My wife laughed her ass off at me. She thought it was one of the funniest things she's ever heard.

[KingGeno]

"Sue everybody!"

Yea, that's gross. That's cool that your wife took it in stride and laughed it off. It's like a nightmare time for that to happen. I was at Club Can-Can in south jersey one night, and I was chattin' up a stripper. She mentioend she ate chinese food earlier cuz it was slow. I remember her being up on stage and smelling farts. It turned me off completely.

[burrben]

are you sure you just werent watching superbad?

[PapaBear]

icky

[Fallon]

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:lol::lol::lol:

[FezsAssistant]

Good story. I wish it happened to me just for the story.

[Hottub]

Mrs. Underdog is truly a good egg. You got yerself a keeper there.

[Hottub]

Oh dear God. I can hear my wife now.

Why you gotta go to a strip club?
The pussy you got here porks pretty good.
Let's see. We got missionary. Doggy style.
What else? Reverse Cowgirl...

[underdog]

are you sure you just werent watching superbad?

One of the strippers even mentioned that, only my spot was like 4 times the size.

[sr71blackbird]

I hope she had her shots

[MacVittie]

Ruined, or made extremely sexy?

[jennysmurf]

Mrs. Underdog is truly a good egg. You got yerself a keeper there.


He's right. You've got a very cool wife. You should call in with this story--I got a feeling it'd be a hoot on the show!:laugh:

[ChrisTheCop]

I agree, Mrs U is the coolest daddy-o.

Most guys are afraid they might get some glitter on them.

[Yosammity]

Can I buy your pants?

[britneypablo]

You shouldnt have been there in the first place....that was Gods way of telling you, and your wife was not laughing with you or at you, she was laughin with God....

[nate1000]

My buddy and I took one of our friends out to a club one night. He is divorced, with a kid, paying alimony, and has no GF. So we decided to take him out to see some tail. At one point in the night, one of the dancers comes over and drags him into a private area. He spent around five or six songs in there, then came out walking strangely asking us to float him an extra $60 for the dances. Apparently, she wiggled on his lap until he blew into his underwear. We took care of his money issue, but made him sit through four more rounds as the mess dried up as punishment for overspending his limit. He did nothing but shift and scratch and ask if we were ready to go yet. Sit in your shame. Good times.

[King Hippos Bandaid]

eww


my wife don't care if I go to strip clubs, but no dances, vaginal blood would be frowned upon


that stripper should pay for your dry cleaning , end of story, period


what a douche, oh wait, lack of douche

[Fezticle98]

Your coworkers sound like a blast.

[OGC]

Give up on them

http://www.cringehumor.net/pictures/chshow032107/24.jpg

[ScottFromGA]

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you've been jammed!

[Dougie Brootal]

You shouldnt have been there in the first place....that was Gods way of telling you, and your wife was not laughing with you or at you, she was laughin with God....

what happened to you? are you now part of the tinfoil hat crew with lord jezo?

[topless_mike]

Oh dear God. I can hear my wife now.

Reverse Cowgirl...

i love her and she's not even mine.

[britneypablo]

what happened to you? are you now part of the tinfoil hat crew with lord jezo?

yea your right that was kinda girlie and ethical for me to say....what i meant to say is it would be funny if u grind those pants up (well just the bloody part) and sprinkle them in your boss's coffee....

[Dougie Brootal]

yea your right that was kinda girlie and ethical for me to say....what i meant to say is it would be funny if u grind those pants up (well just the bloody part) and sprinkle them in your boss's coffee....

i was a little scared for a minute there ...

[Westley]

hoars are gross

[frye hole]

I just like the expression "shame patch" .... :lol:

[lleeder]

Maybe she just miscarried.

[landarch]

"Sue everybody!"

Yea, that's gross. That's cool that your wife took it in stride and laughed it off. It's like a nightmare time for that to happen. I was at Club Can-Can in south jersey one night, and I was chattin' up a stripper. She mentioend she ate chinese food earlier cuz it was slow. I remember her being up on stage and smelling farts. It turned me off completely.

ewwwwwwww stripper farts!

[Kevin]

Oh dear God. I can hear my wife now.

Why you gotta go to a strip club?
The pussy you got here porks pretty good.
Let's see. We got missionary. Doggy style.
What else? Reverse Cowgirl...



Why must you make even the funniest of tales, creepy?

[underdog]

Maybe she just miscarried.

My wife actually said, "Ew, it looks like she miscarried on you." And then continued making fun of me.

[drjoek]

eww


my wife don't care if I go to strip clubs, but no dances, vaginal blood would be frowned upon


that stripper should pay for your dry cleaning , end of story, period


what a douche, oh wait, lack of douche



I gotta see that one heading back into a titty bar demanding dry cleaning money from some crackheaded stripper or maybe the no neck bouncer at the door.

[DonInNC]

She should have put shoe polish on her face and called it a menstrual show.