I am Dreading Christmas

[grlNIN]

I don't want to get into really specific details but every Christmas since probably the age of 14 has been nothing short of depressing for me.

My father was sick and bedridden 2 years in a row, one year i got locked out of the house by accident and had to crash at my boyfriend's house (after having just met his family), and other such horrors and so on.

It's not that i hate this time of year but i just can't deal with Christmas at all. I don't talk to my brothers and barely see my parents so being with my boyfriend's family is really hard to swallow.

I don't know why it just hit me but i feel like i have a knotted ball in my stomach that is being pushed up my throat.

I wish there was some way to avoid spending the day with his family but we all live together and so i have to take part in the morning gift opening. I just don't want to put myself through it again this year though, id rather stay upstairs and not have any part of it at all.

Anyone else experience anything similar in feel or circumstance?

[Tenbatsuzen]

I think part of the problem is the unstable? unhealthy? relationships with your family that you've talked about on the board before.

Because the Christmas season is primarily about family and reflecting on the good times you've had throughout the year, I can see your issue. You're transposing feelings you have towards your own family to his family.

The best thing is talk with your boyfriend (fiance?) and communicate how uncomfortable the holidays make you. But you also have to bear witness to how his family operates and maybe the more exposure you have to it, the more comfortable you'll get.

If you're going to marry him, you can't hide from the problem. You do have to suck it up. But Christmas isn't something that's going to go away...

[RoseBlood]

I don't want to get into really specific details but every Christmas since probably the age of 14 has been nothing short of depressing for me.

My father was sick and bedridden 2 years in a row, one year i got locked out of the house by accident and had to crash at my boyfriend's house (after having just met his family), and other such horrors and so on.

It's not that i hate this time of year but i just can't deal with Christmas at all. I don't talk to my brothers and barely see my parents so being with my boyfriend's family is really hard to swallow.

I don't know why it just hit me but i feel like i have a knotted ball in my stomach that is being pushed up my throat.

I wish there was some way to avoid spending the day with his family but we all live together and so i have to take part in the morning gift opening. I just don't want to put myself through it again this year though, id rather stay upstairs and not have any part of it at all.

Anyone else experience anything similar in feel or circumstance?

Wow.. I'm so sorry to hear this. Everything you're feeling is completely understandable considering what you've been through with your brothers and now this.

I do know, I can relate on some level as I have some bad memories associated with this time of year.

If I thought it would make things better, I'd tell you to fuck everyone and do what you want.. but that would only make things worse.. MUCH worse. I guess it's all part of becoming an "adult" :unsure:

Have you talked with your boyfriend about this? Is he an easy ear? Since you are living with him and his family, maybe if he knows how difficult this is for you, he'll help you along. You guys don't have to make a big spectical of it Christmas morning, but just knowing he understands and is on your side might help you be able to cope with the "festivities".

I don't suggest you go on a tirade about everything you despise about his family.. just let him know what's on your mind. It doesn't seem like the problem is with his family but nevertheless, you don't want to put him in the awkward and unfair position of him having to blow off his family.

Also, are you able to talk to your family? Is this just a matter of you trying to get through this season with as little pain as possible?

The holidays can be a very happy time but also a very sentimental and depressing time as well. Whatever is going on in our lives or past, the holidays seem to magnify them and bring everything to the surface.

I don't know what to tell you right now.. Good luck and you'll get through this. Keep us posted, we're thinking about you.

[Tenbatsuzen]

Maria, if you don't mind me asking, your boyfriend's family seems like a pretty tight-knit unit from what you've talked about on the board. Why is it hard being with their family versus yours?

[RoseBlood]

Maria, if you don't mind me asking, your boyfriend's family seems like a pretty tight-knit unit from what you've talked about on the board. Why is it hard being with their family versus yours?

Obviously only she can answer your question but I think you were onto something in your previous post. You mentioned her transposing feelings she has about her own family onto her boyfriends family. Correct me if I'm off, but I think she would be having these feelings no matter who her b.f's family was.

[drusilla]

Maria, if you don't mind me asking, your boyfriend's family seems like a pretty tight-knit unit from what you've talked about on the board. Why is it hard being with their family versus yours?

i think you answered your own question

[grlNIN]

Maria, if you don't mind me asking, your boyfriend's family seems like a pretty tight-knit unit from what you've talked about on the board. Why is it hard being with their family versus yours?


It's not hard to see them interact it's just one of those things where, even when we get married i will always be the outsider and it's just so glaringly obvious on holidays.

It's also that his family is very unappreciative of things. Last year his father opened my gift to him and didn't even say thanks whereas my dad opened my gift to him and he STILL raves about how much he loves it, exactly one year later. I just perceive them to be very ungrateful and that they overlook their advantages in life.


I know i am going to have to deal with them but at the same time on actual holidays i never get to see my own parents and family. Albeit that that would be a hard thing to accomplish but it's not permissible that i would want some time alone or with my boyfriend separate from them in order to reflect or grieve about it? Christmas isn't always a happy year for everyone and i'll tell you the truth i do feel that i grieve every year because inside my heart it feels that my family is dead, that is just how much they are not a part of my life.

[Friday]

I am sorry that this time of year is tough for you.
It's a crappy feeling to have when all the world is throwing 'good cheer' at you.

I do what I can to be happy during Christmas, but it doesn't always work. I often want to just lock myself in my apartment, order chinese food and forget the world outside... My mom died 6 days after Thanksgiving 2 yrs ago and that year I did my best to make everyone feel ok... did everything she does. I still do it... I get gifts for the kids, bring the same pastries she always did...etc... but here in my home there is a huge void. And I have had a few crying in front of the christmas tree moments so far... but I really try to get past the hurt because this is a special holiday to me. And being happy is a nice way to remember all of our good christmas holidays past.

I can only wish for you the fortune to find your own traditions to smile about... and it seems you and your boyfriend have made a good life together so hopefully that will continue and make the days more bearable. And someday you may have your own family... I hear that really helps too...

And hey... if you really want to... find some solitude over the holiday weekend. I went to the movies on xmas day the yr my mom passed and it was one of the greatest decisions i have ever made. Sometimes being AWAY from Christmas is the best way to spend it.

good luck...

[Tenbatsuzen]

Maria, the thing is, they aren't dead... and letting negative feelings fester towards your loved ones is never a good thing.

I know one of your brothers has a criminal past and commited crimes against you and your other brother. Is that parental situation that bad?

I also think that it's totally unfair that you are comparing gift appreciation between two different people. We got Liz's mom a present last year which she gushed about. I got my own father a gift and he was a stiff about it. That's how he is. He's a good man, and he loves me, but he's not very emotional. I will NEVER get acceptance from my father in what I do. I think the closest I ever came was introducing him to a celebrity he admired, and that moment was ruined for me by another asshole.

And you are talking about how happy your dad was last Christmas - isn't that a positive thing to latch on to for this holiday?

[grlNIN]

Have you talked with your boyfriend about this? Is he an easy ear? Since you are living with him and his family, maybe if he knows how difficult this is for you, he'll help you along. You guys don't have to make a big spectical of it Christmas morning, but just knowing he understands and is on your side might help you be able to cope with the "festivities".

I don't suggest you go on a tirade about everything you despise about his family.. just let him know what's on your mind. It doesn't seem like the problem is with his family but nevertheless, you don't want to put him in the awkward and unfair position of him having to blow off his family.

He knows, last year i spent all day upstairs sobbing because his parents decided i was worth all of one clock radio. When they couldnt get over the fact that it wasnt the amount of $$ spent on me that i was upset about but the lack of thought involved with my gift, they decided to ignore me for the rest of the night.

There is no way to patch up the situation with my family, it's just one of those things that it is what it is and i try to work with what i have. My relationship with my mother is especially volatile, so it's as hard as you can imagine to make things "nice" for just one day.

[Tenbatsuzen]

He knows, last year i spent all day upstairs sobbing because his parents decided i was worth all of one clock radio. When they couldnt get over the fact that it wasnt the amount of $$ spent on me that i was upset about but the lack of thought involved with my gift, they decided to ignore me for the rest of the night.



How long were you dating your boyfriend at the time? Were you living with him at the time? how close were you to his family?

You can't have it both ways. You can't disconnect from his family and then expect yourself to be well thought-of when the holidays come around.

[grlNIN]

Maria, the thing is, they aren't dead... and letting negative feelings fester towards your loved ones is never a good thing.

I know one of your brothers has a criminal past and commited crimes against you and your other brother. Is that parental situation that bad?

I also think that it's totally unfair that you are comparing gift appreciation between two different people. We got Liz's mom a present last year which she gushed about. I got my own father a gift and he was a stiff about it. That's how he is. He's a good man, and he loves me, but he's not very emotional. I will NEVER get acceptance from my father in what I do. I think the closest I ever came was introducing him to a celebrity he admired, and that moment was ruined for me by another asshole.

And you are talking about how happy your dad was last Christmas - isn't that a positive thing to latch on to for this holiday?


I appreciate your sentiment but i can't go into detail and you're pretty far off target.

I am not comparing gift giving to how unfair life is and i havent talked to one of my brother in 7 months and the other in a year and a half. At 23 years old that is a fucked up thing to deal with, along with all the horrible memories of my adolescence.

I am not projecting negativity onto his family and yes, i actually do grieve over my family dynamic but i think after trying to keep my life on the straight and narrow and succeed in all the areas everyone else in my family has failed in has left me with a huge void concerning my relationships with them.

I know, because this is my actual life that these are things that wont be mended anytime in the near future. Once again i appreciate your posts and trying to help but you're not getting it right at all.

[RoseBlood]

It's not hard to see them interact it's just one of those things where, even when we get married i will always be the outsider and it's just so glaringly obvious on holidays.

It's also that his family is very unappreciative of things. Last year his father opened my gift to him and didn't even say thanks whereas my dad opened my gift to him and he STILL raves about how much he loves it, exactly one year later. I just perceive them to be very ungrateful and that they overlook their advantages in life.


I know i am going to have to deal with them but at the same time on actual holidays i never get to see my own parents and family. Albeit that that would be a hard thing to accomplish but it's not permissible that i would want some time alone or with my boyfriend separate from them in order to reflect or grieve about it? Christmas isn't always a happy year for everyone and i'll tell you the truth i do feel that i grieve every year because inside my heart it feels that my family is dead, that is just how much they are not a part of my life.

Ok, I'm making a rash generalization here but don't give up on his folks and DON'T call yourself the outsider, even if that is how you feel or that is how they make you feel. I don't know how long you've been with your b.f or how long you've been living with his family but these things take time.. ALOT of time from what I've seen.

Not justifying it, but it's usually the norm for the future "in-laws" to pass judgement on the girl their son is going to marry, especially if he is a momma's boy. When I first met my ex's mother, she looked me over intently and I wanted to crawl away. She didn't like me to much for a while, granted I was only 15 and a different person than today. Over time she grew to like me ALOT, so much that when I broke up with her son she called him an asshole for it.

But forget that, I'm sure you realize it's never easy adjusting to someone elses family. We are so conditioned to the way our families did things, when we are exposed to our significant others family, we are often shocked. Try not to pass judgement on his father, even if he is acting rude and ungrateful. Perhaps you can use humor to get your point across with him, if you're good with that sort of thing.. that's what I find works. Tenbats is right as far as not comparing the reactions of two different people. Try to learn to accept his family for who they are, don't expect them to change but be appreciative if they do.

[Friday]

unfortunately... it seems like your own family has left a void for you that is similar if not identical to a death.

i have seen this in my own extended family and it stinks.

we are not the best of friends, but i think you are worth way WAY more than a clock radio.
you are an intelligent, caring, loyal-minded, and clever person... if his family makes you feel like less than that then they are just silly.

and as for your family... well, it seems you are the star of that group. please take that and run with it. maybe someday they will catch up and you will get back what you have lost. but if not, then it's up to you to make the most of your time with the one you love... and get something good out of this over commercialized holiday season.

happy christmas, darlin.
if i could bring you a canoli and a pomegranite martini i certainly would. :wink:

[Gwen]

I can only wish for you the fortune to find your own traditions to smile about... and it seems you and your boyfriend have made a good life together so hopefully that will continue and make the days more bearable. And someday you may have your own family... I hear that really helps too...


I think that is the most wonderful thing I have ever seen anyone wish for another person, ever. It was eloquent, and just wonderful. I wish all of us could be that lucky.

Maria, since I don't really what there is to say that might be able to help you, I just want to echo Tracy's sentiments and also to hope that it all eventually gets easier for you, you've always seemed really awesome, and it will come back to you, eventually. Sometimes it just feels like it takes forever.

If the whole holiday season is still getting you down, take a trip to RiteAid or CVS or any of those places, they're already putting up the Valentine's Day merchandise, a slap in the face reminder that it's almost over. Chin up, it will get better.

[KatPw]

I hate this time of year. My dad died on Christmas a few years ago, and my mom died January 25, so the whole winter is a wash for me. My husband's family thinks I should be around family (meaning their family, I have no family), but I just prefer to not to. So we lie to them and say we are going to someone's house, but in reality we will hang out at home. I'll cook a ham, and we play board games and watch movies. That way if I feel the need to cry for a bit I don't have to do it in front of others.

[Lady Resin]

My mom passed away Dec. 13th 2006. We didn't celebrate the holiday. My sister of the age of 46 decided to have a baby. She works for a fertility center. On the day my mom passed away, my sister found out the sex of the kid. She found out the sex just for my mom. He was 10 days early. He arrived on 4/11. I can't wait to see Christopher Robert on Christmas Day. Were going to my brothers who bought our parents house. It'll be nice to go home again.

http://rfpwf.com/userpix/2_68353993715_0_BG_1.jpg

[lleeder]

My mom passed away Dec. 13th 2006. We didn't celebrate the holiday. My sister of the age of 46 decided to have a baby. She works for a fertility center. On the day my mom passed away, my sister found out the sex of the kid. She found out the sex just for my mom. He was 10 days early. He arrived on 4/11. I can't wait to see Christopher Robert on Christmas Day. Were going to my brothers who bought our parents house. It'll be nice to go home again.

http://rfpwf.com/userpix/2_68353993715_0_BG_1.jpg

Is your nephew the new owner of Don Rigo Cigars? :smoke:

[TripleSkeet]

I hate this time of year. My dad died on Christmas a few years ago, and my mom died January 25, so the whole winter is a wash for me. My husband's family thinks I should be around family (meaning their family, I have no family), but I just prefer to not to. So we lie to them and say we are going to someone's house, but in reality we will hang out at home. I'll cook a ham, and we play board games and watch movies. That way if I feel the need to cry for a bit I don't have to do it in front of others.

I give your husband alot of credit. I dont know if it is for him but that would be a HUGE sacrifice for me to stay away from my family because my wife doesn't want to be around family on the holiday.

I might be able to do it one year, but after that I would expect her to move on and start enjoying the holidays with the family again if not for herself, then for our kids.

[KatPw]

I give your husband alot of credit. I dont know if it is for him but that would be a HUGE sacrifice for me to stay away from my family because my wife doesn't want to be around family on the holiday.

I might be able to do it one year, but after that I would expect her to move on and start enjoying the holidays with the family again if not for herself, then for our kids.

He's not into family gatherings, they make him uncomfortable. So I guess it's a win/win.

[boosterp]

My mom passed away Dec. 13th 2006. We didn't celebrate the holiday. My sister of the age of 46 decided to have a baby. She works for a fertility center. On the day my mom passed away, my sister found out the sex of the kid. She found out the sex just for my mom. He was 10 days early. He arrived on 4/11. I can't wait to see Christopher Robert on Christmas Day. Were going to my brothers who bought our parents house. It'll be nice to go home again.

http://rfpwf.com/userpix/2_68353993715_0_BG_1.jpg

Awe, another tug of my heart strings. :wub:

I hate this time of year. My dad died on Christmas a few years ago, and my mom died January 25, so the whole winter is a wash for me. My husband's family thinks I should be around family (meaning their family, I have no family), but I just prefer to not to. So we lie to them and say we are going to someone's house, but in reality we will hang out at home. I'll cook a ham, and we play board games and watch movies. That way if I feel the need to cry for a bit I don't have to do it in front of others.

I like your hubby, he sounds like such a nice guy.

[Tenbatsuzen]

Is your nephew the new owner of Don Rigo Cigars? :smoke:

Your response was nicer than mine.

[grlNIN]

Although i don't feel as down in the dumps as i did when i posted earlier about this subject, i am still having mild anxiety about the day.

Wrapping gifts has eased some stress and ive decided to cook a dish for everyone so i can focus some energy on that.

I just don't want to displace energy though because that always comes back to bite people on the ass, i asked my boyfriend if we could sneak away for a couple of hours to see a movie and he said it should be ok because his brother is going to his girlfriend's house for a part of the day-i guess this is my alternative.

[boosterp]

Although i don't feel as down in the dumps as i did when i posted earlier about this subject, i am still having mild anxiety about the day.

Wrapping gifts has eased some stress and ive decided to cook a dish for everyone so i can focus some energy on that.

I just don't want to displace energy though because that always comes back to bite people on the ass, i asked my boyfriend if we could sneak away for a couple of hours to see a movie and he said it should be ok because his brother is going to his girlfriend's house for a part of the day-i guess this is my alternative.

Again, good boyfriend. :thumbup:

[Coach]

I was dreading this year, as it has been a particularly bad one for me. I lost my job, and because of the lying shitdicks who were afraid of my starting a business that would compete with theirs..got no unemployment. I had moved to Montana for the job to get away from my parents who fight constantly, and quite frankly, I think one is slipping into Alzhiemers, while the other is not long for this world. I was facing homelessness..and thought it would be better. But I decided to return home. Now it appears as if I cannot leave. Stuff is in such disarray.
I told them that I would not be joining them at my sister's this xmas. and I am thankfull they didn't push it. I did not need to deal with all the questions as to what I am doing and shit from the in-laws on top of feeling like a failure in my sister's house of opulence. Besides, I have a lot to fix here.

[boosterp]

I was dreading this year, as it has been a particularly bad one for me. I lost my job, and because of the lying shitdicks who were afraid of my starting a business that would compete with theirs..got no unemployment. I had moved to Montana for the job to get away from my parents who fight constantly, and quite frankly, I think one is slipping into Alzhiemers, while the other is not long for this world. I was facing homelessness..and thought it would be better. But I decided to return home. Now it appears as if I cannot leave. Stuff is in such disarray.
I told them that I would not be joining them at my sister's this xmas. and I am thankfull they didn't push it. I did not need to deal with all the questions as to what I am doing and shit from the in-laws on top of feeling like a failure in my sister's house of opulence. Besides, I have a lot to fix here.

I really feel for you budday.

[Coach]

I really feel for you budday.Thanks, I just had to vent. I am going back to being an Emt..while I get my teaching Cert..I may have to be the good kid, but there are always options for improvement.

[FUNKMAN]

Best Wishes NIN! keep your chin up and just you and your boyfriend love each other, and tolerate the family... continue to be a 'better person'

[CountryBob]

Without children, Christmas seems to lose its magic as I get older. More of my family is dead and the ones that are left try to get together because we are programmed that way. All they want to do is talk and cry about the ones that are gone. It totally depresses me to the point that I am seriously thinking of going on a trip every Christmas and avoiding the family. Just saying.

[TheQuestion]

I hear there's a nasty stomach virus going around, which induces both vomiting and diarrhea in the victim. I'm hoping I come down with it Christmas Eve so I don't have to spend the holiday with my family.